DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

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Honestly, I think you are being way too strict and over reacting! Your dd is 14 not 4. It is perfectly normal for a 14 year olds to develop an attraction to boys and want to have a "boyfriend". It's not like she's trying to spend the night at his house with him. They probably have a fairly innocent relationship and the more you try to punish her, the more she is probably going to rebel.

The best thing you could possibly do at this point is to have an open, honest, and supportive (within reason) relationship with your dd and not push her in to hiding things from you (which she has obviously been doing in this case because she knows you won't react well to this relationship). You are going to have to accept she is getting to the age that you won't be able to control her every thought and movement on a daily basis. Why don't you try meeting the boyfriend before you make up your mind this relationship is going to be harmful to you dd?

BTW, I am posting this as a former 14 year old who did some really stupid things rebelling against parents that were too strict. I became involved in a "relationship" that involved sneaking around with a guy that was much older than high school (yes it was illegal and yes he should have known better even if I wasn't mature enough at the time to recognize it). I ended up hurt very badly (both physically and psychologically) from the experience, but the situation could have ended a lot worse than it did. Had my parents not been so strict and controlling, I probably would not have done what I did and would have been a lot happier during that period of my life.

This. I too was involved with a boy from 14-17 and was not allowed to date until 16. Did that stop me? No way! Just snuck around. I think back now and really feel like if my mom or dad had not made that rule (and there was no talking/discussing it with them either), and had opened the lines of communication, I would have dumped the jerk much earlier. I knew somewhere in my head it was not a normal relationship, but I had no adult to talk to about it. I knew if I had told my parents I would have been grounded etc......
You have to keep the lines of communication open. Telling her that she is "too young" will in fact make her question her own judgement. She obviously doesn't feel too young.
 
Mom of 17 year old SON here...I just want to say that please don't project the worst possible scenarios going on. Some of the comments are based on personal experiences and certainly are not true for everyone.

Not all high school boys only want to have sex with your daughters. Some just happen to like a girl and share a lot on common with her and want to hang out...that doesn't necessarily translate into having sex in the boys restroom.

My son happens to like a girl (also a junior like him), and we have plenty of conversations about treating her with respect and always remembering that she has parents, too that are concerned for her well-being. Both kids are very busy and don't spend a lot of time together...they don't even see each other at school that much.

I also have a 14 year old daughter - freshman. Fortunately, we haven't crossed this road yet because she just isn't boy-focused...lot going on in her life. However, if she were to like a 16 year boy whose family raised him much like we're raising our son, then I wouldn't have a problem with them hanging out together with group of friends or doing family/church things together...but no one-on-one dating until she's 16.

I suggest to OP that she make it a point to meet the family - let them know how you feel about the relationship. You may be surprised and find out you have similar values and can team-parent the couple as to avoid any issues.

:worship: :worship: :worship:

I give men and boys a whole lot more credit than others are in this thread.

Me too.

Yes, there is a double standard. Sucks, but that is the way it is. I have no apologies :).

Wow.

Oh, and wait until your poor son is an adult and ask him how often he got lucky in HS! I am sure you will be as shocked as I was!!

Why in the world would you do such a thing?!




As for the OP... I'm surprised that your relationship with the "mommy network" is so important that you'd be willing to lie to your daughter about how you found out that your daughter was lying to you.
 
We all know what the "goody goody" girls were really doing. :rotfl:

Yep. I was having sex. And I don't regret it for a minute. Which I suppose is not what the OP wants to hear. But seriously, we're not that fragile.
 
So, at 14, the sons get condoms from dad but the daughters get forbidden from dating? What a messed up dynamic! This is exactly what all good parents should strive to avoid. It sends the wrong message about genders and sex at an age where it is crucial to empower and educate ALL teens.

Even though the poster admitted it was a double standard it's probably that she has learned some lessons with her older two children and maybe plans to do things differently with her daughter. You live , you learn kinda thing !
 
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I also find the pious "not my daughter" act hilarious. Your DD is no different than any other kid out there. I'm not shocked by any kid's behavior.

We all know what the "goody goody" girls were really doing. :rotfl:

I know right?

Girls are innocent, except for that slut who stole her son's virginity. :rotfl:

If dad was being "realistic" he'd be handing daughter the condoms same as he did the sons.
 
I am very. Unfortunately there is a big difference between a girl coming home pregnant and a boy getting a girl pregnant. The girl will we home with the child, have to go through child birth and all those changes. The boy? He has a financial responsibility and a moral one, but his life isn't quite changing the way the girls is. He can go off to college and still send money and come home and see the baby, she on the other hand will be there 24/7. Not many teens get married or shared custody.

Boys and girls are different. It is just the way it is.

Um ... I think your beliefs on a certain DIS-forbidden topic may be coloring your perceptions on this one. The girl has total control over the outcome, and can choose whether or not to deal with all those things, but the boy cannot; he has to live with and pay for whatever decision she chooses to make. He cannot unilaterally choose to undo the foolish mistake via termination or adoption, but she can.

I'm not calling that unfair, but it does mean that boys actually need to be MORE careful about who they choose to become intimate with. These days, STD precautions notwithstanding, any kind of sex other than an anonymous one-night stand might come with an 18-year-long financial penalty that they can do nothing to get out from under. They need to pay attention and take precautions more complex than just being sure to have a condom on hand.

As to the surety of becoming active; it depends on the kid. I wouldn't throw a fit if either of my kids became sexually active before the end of high school, as long as they were careful about ALL aspects of that choice. However, I fully believe that it is quite likely that my DS will get all the way through HS before he becomes active, because of who he is and how bad his social skills are. DH likes to point out that for your average young teen boy, wanting sex is a whole 'nuther story than actually managing to get it. You have to find a willing partner, for starters. For a lot of boys, it works a lot better in theory than it does in reality, and deciding to take that leap for the first time can be a bit overwhelming -- even for boys.
 
You should.

I can't wait until the day your daughter calls you on it.

LOL...she is with me as I am typing all this and we are discussing it. She understands the standard adn where I am coming from. Like I said, we talk about everything. We have a very open relationship.

She isn't crazy about the double standard, and neither am I, but it really is what it is. I am a realist.
 
You should.

Really why? Because I am a realist? There is a double standard. Boys and girls are different. Men and women are different. That is a fact. There are things that men can do and women can't and vice versa. That is a fact.

Females can get pregnant, males can't.
 
The boy also has NO SAY in the outcome of a pregnancy. NOBODY is better off than anyone else in these situations. And that financial responsibility is HUGE.


Absolutely! But the male can walk away, boys or grown men. Right or wrong, it is what it is. My ex walked away from his kids didn't pay a dime. Back then they state did very little to go after him.
 
I know right?

Girls are innocent, except for that slut who stole her son's virginity. :rotfl:

If dad was being "realistic" he'd be handing daughter the condoms same as he did the sons.

Maybe he is. After all the poster claims not to have known about her son until 13 years after the fact. Maybe she'll find out about her daughter in a decade or so also.

I was allowed to date whenever. I dated a lot of guys in high school. All of them wanted sex, but all of them took no for an answer. I never felt pressured at all. Boys and girls both have very strong hormonal urges during their teen years, yet many people manage to have warm, respectful, and affectionate relationships with the opposite sex without becoming physical. We are human beings, after all, not animals.
 
Absolutely! But the male can walk away, boys or grown men. Right or wrong, it is what it is. My ex walked away from his kids didn't pay a dime. Back then they state did very little to go after him.

key words- back then. Now men are paying for kids for YEARS who later turn out NOT to be theirs. No refund.
 
Boys are never taught what's appropriate or to value themselves, either, I take, in your world?

What a load of crap.

ANd I said that where?? My boys were taught what was right and what was wrong. I was a single mom for a long time, they saw me with a broken heart more then once. They saw first hand the responsibilities and how difficult it is to take care of a baby. They saw it with their baby sister and their baby brother.

I had many talks with them about how to value themselves and how to treat girls. My DS at 14 female friend was after him, I saw it. Unfortunately I worked full time and commuted to work so I was out of the house from 6:30 AM until 5:30 PM. Not much I could do about that. Thankfully they never got a girl pregnant or got an STD. They had gf's they didn't just go around willy nilly. Again, they were told that they were too young to have sex, but they were told if they were going to have it to use protection, to protect themsevles and the girl.

Should I have told them ok, you can't have sex and not dicussed birth control or the ramifications?

Thankfully I am currently a SAHM, and I am here for my 2 youngest kids.
 
I also find the pious "not my daughter" act hilarious. Your DD is no different than any other kid out there. I'm not shocked by any kid's behavior.

We all know what the "goody goody" girls were really doing. :rotfl:

Let's see, my DD is not a goody goody in anyway. I know what she is doing and what she is lying about, and yes, she does lie, what teenager doesn't?

My DD is different from other girls her age. Let me list how:
1) hates designer clothes and handbags, doesn't feel the need to compete with other girls.
2) won't bully kids and takes a stand at the other kids that do
3) sits at a table with all boys, cause the girls were just mean little monsters
4) has empathy and compassion. Her food science class is watching Jamie Olivers food special (which we watched at home) and the girls are like, OMG, who cares,. the mother is horrilbe and deserves what she got, her kids issues are all her fault. My DD was floored by their lack of compassion.
5) a friend was cutting and she came to me for advice
6) she talks to me about everything, where her bff mom says she has no idea what goes on in her DD life


My dd is very mature for her age in lots of ways. She has a very good sense of herself and other people. She is compassionate and thoughtful. She then also has lots of other faults. She is far from a goody goody.
 
Um ... I think your beliefs on a certain DIS-forbidden topic may be coloring your perceptions on this one. The girl has total control over the outcome, and can choose whether or not to deal with all those things, but the boy cannot; he has to live with and pay for whatever decision she chooses to make. He cannot unilaterally choose to undo the foolish mistake via termination or adoption, but she can.

I'm not calling that unfair, but it does mean that boys actually need to be MORE careful about who they choose to become intimate with. These days, STD precautions notwithstanding, any kind of sex other than an anonymous one-night stand might come with an 18-year-long financial penalty that they can do nothing to get out from under. They need to pay attention and take precautions more complex than just being sure to have a condom on hand.

As to the surety of becoming active; it depends on the kid. I wouldn't throw a fit if either of my kids became sexually active before the end of high school, as long as they were careful about ALL aspects of that choice. However, I fully believe that it is quite likely that my DS will get all the way through HS before he becomes active, because of who he is and how bad his social skills are. DH likes to point out that for your average young teen boy, wanting sex is a whole 'nuther story than actually managing to get it. You have to find a willing partner, for starters. For a lot of boys, it works a lot better in theory than it does in reality, and deciding to take that leap for the first time can be a bit overwhelming -- even for boys.

You are correct! I hope my DD can get through HS without being active, do I expect it, no. I also hope that our talks and relationship is good and she realizes that 14, 15 and 16 is way to young!! And that you have to be mature and wait.

I hope she listens, where obviously my boys did not.

And to other posters, my DS's were not handed condoms. They were told where they were in the house, if they needed them. I think that was the responsible thing to do. My boys also talked to my DH and he knew what was going on, and I am ok with that. My DD talks to me about this stuff and not her dad, and my DH is ok with that too. Now, if we had condoms in the house today, yes, my DD would know where they were. My DD knows that if she needs them, I will purchase them for her.
 
Absolutely! But the male can walk away, boys or grown men. Right or wrong, it is what it is. My ex walked away from his kids didn't pay a dime. Back then they state did very little to go after him.

Eh....the female can walk away too. She can abort the child (and the male has NO say) or she can give the child up for adoption. She has no greater ties than the father does.

The only real difference, is that if the female decides she doesn't want any chance of responsibilty then she can abort the child. The male doesn't have that choice.
 
Maybe he is. After all the poster claims not to have known about her son until 13 years after the fact. Maybe she'll find out about her daughter in a decade or so also.

I was allowed to date whenever. I dated a lot of guys in high school. All of them wanted sex, but all of them took no for an answer. I never felt pressured at all. Boys and girls both have very strong hormonal urges during their teen years, yet many people manage to have warm, respectful, and affectionate relationships with the opposite sex without becoming physical. We are human beings, after all, not animals.


No, my sons felt more comfotable talking to dad about sex then mom. I am ok with that. My DD talks to me. And yes, we discuss everything! Name the topic and it was dicussed. I am sure DH did not do that with our DS's. :confused3
 
key words- back then. Now men are paying for kids for YEARS who later turn out NOT to be theirs. No refund.

Yes, and there are tons of men who are today, are not paying for one reason or another. Plenty of posts online about that today too!
 
Somebody ask for the parent of a teen boy?

Here I am!

First of all. I sucks that you can't put your son on the Pill the way you can a girl. That's a fact that never even occurred to me until my oldest reached that point.

Second, if one of my little darlings told me that he had sex only because the girl initiated and insisted - I'm not sure if I'd bonk him up side of the head or fall out of my chair laughing at him or both .... but you can bet it'd be some combination of those types of reactions.

Any other questions?

Oh as for the OP. I had a secret boyfriend. Heck, I think ALL my friends had secret boyfriends except back in those days parents didn't consider it their duty to monitor every second of their teens lives.
 
I'm puzzled by some of the attitudes here. Even back in the dark ages when I was a teen, many of the girls were as eager to have sex as the boys. Sure girls could get pregnant but, as a PP already pointed out, they could also abort or put the baby up for adoption.
 
I can give you some advice from your daughters point of view, as I was 13 almost 14 when I met my 1st boyfriend and he was 19. On his behalf when we first met, he thought I was older, as I was hanging out with my older sister and her friends.

Understandably, my parents had a lot of reservations about us seeing each other, but also knew if they forbid it, I would have found a way to see him behind their backs. What they did was establish very exact, but fair, rules about when and where I could see him. For the 1st year we were only allowed to hang at my parents house or his parents, if my parents called 1st to make sure they would be home. We were not allowed to go anywhere by car, so we could only go to friends houses that were within walking distance.


My advice would be to get to know the boy, let him come over to visit and hang out with your DD. As time passes if they are still and item, talk to both of them about your expectations for their behavior.

This 1st boyfriend is now my DH, we dated all through HS and while I was in college. Aside from my parents he was always one of my biggest supporters, he was always willing to help my accomplish whatever I needed to in school. He was also adamant that I finish college before we got married. I met him 20 years ago this past summer, and we have now been married 13 year and have 2 wonderful sons.
 
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