DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[IUTBAM]

I have a 17 y/o DD who was not allowed to date (as in go somewhere alone with a boy, be it in his car or someone else's) until she was 16. I personally think a) that a 14 y/o is too young to date and b) a 16.5 y/o is too old for a 14 year old (nobody asked that, but that's just MHO), as that is a huge age gap, especially considering the driving issues.

But what sticks out to me that no one else has mentioned is what the OP said about her DD not leaving the house except to go to school and dance...that seems extreme. Does she not hang out with friends?

 

[cabanafrau]

As the mother of two girls, I'd like to show some support for the boys in light of the tangent this thread has taken.

It takes two to tango.

 

[Bonnie40]

Absolutely! But the male can walk away, boys or grown men. Right or wrong, it is what it is. My ex walked away from his kids didn't pay a dime. Back then they state did very little to go after him.

I have two young men and a grown daughter and from day one I always said that I worry more for my boys than I do for my daughter. One stupid mistake and a boy's life can be turned upside down with no power at all. I always knew that my daughter - if ever in that situation of being pregnant as a teenager - had CHOICES. Boys in the same situation have no choices!

 

[Magic Mom]

As the mother of two girls, I'd like to show some support for the boys in light of the tangent this thread has taken.

It takes two to tango.

 

[Bonnie40]

Let's see, my DD is not a goody goody in anyway. I know what she is doing and what she is lying about, and yes, she does lie, what teenager doesn't?

My DD is different from other girls her age. Let me list how:
1) hates designer clothes and handbags, doesn't feel the need to compete with other girls.
2) won't bully kids and takes a stand at the other kids that do
3) sits at a table with all boys, cause the girls were just mean little monsters
4) has empathy and compassion. Her food science class is watching Jamie Olivers food special (which we watched at home) and the girls are like, OMG, who cares,. the mother is horrilbe and deserves what she got, her kids issues are all her fault. My DD was floored by their lack of compassion.
5) a friend was cutting and she came to me for advice
6) she talks to me about everything, where her bff mom says she has no idea what goes on in her DD life


My dd is very mature for her age in lots of ways. She has a very good sense of herself and other people. She is compassionate and thoughtful. She then also has lots of other faults. She is far from a goody goody.

I don't think anyone is questioning that you have a great daughter and a wonderful, open relationship with her. That's fantastic. I hope she continues to make the sound choices you expect her to make. It isn't easy being a teenager these days!

 

[hereyago]

I can give you some advice from your daughters point of view, as I was 13 almost 14 when I met my 1st boyfriend and he was 19. On his behalf when we first met, he thought I was older, as I was hanging out with my older sister and her friends.

Understandably, my parents had a lot of reservations about us seeing each other, but also knew if they forbid it, I would have found a way to see him behind their backs. What they did was establish very exact, but fair, rules about when and where I could see him. For the 1st year we were only allowed to hang at my parents house or his parents, if my parents called 1st to make sure they would be home. We were not allowed to go anywhere by car, so we could only go to friends houses that were within walking distance.


My advice would be to get to know the boy, let him come over to visit and hang out with your DD. As time passes if they are still and item, talk to both of them about your expectations for their behavior.

This 1st boyfriend is now my DH, we dated all through HS and while I was in college. Aside from my parents he was always one of my biggest supporters, he was always willing to help my accomplish whatever I needed to in school. He was also adamant that I finish college before we got married. I met him 20 years ago this past summer, and we have now been married 13 year and have 2 wonderful sons.

That is great that it worked out for you like that, but you do realize that is not the norm? a 19 is only thinking about 1 thing and in some states if you did something that would be considered staturory rape, whether or not you consented.

 

[AKL_Megs]

I wouldn't be as concerned with the "boyfriend" as much as the hiding it behind mom's and dad's back.

I had my first "boyfriend" Freshman year. He bought me a rose one day and brought it to me as my mom picked me up in the station wagon.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, but at school, he was "my boyfriend". Keep in mind, teenage girls love titles. BFF... as an example.

My REAL "boyfriend" was 17 and I was 15. He had a car, which he wanted me in, but I never saw the inside of. I respected my parents. But inside the four walls of school, we held hands, innocently kissed... And my mom knew about him! She thought he was cute! Could I date him? No.

Normal teenage girl with normal feelings. You need to find out why she's keeping it a secret. She must be afraid...

 

[RitaE]

Anybody Else Have An Urge to Go Read?

 

[cabanafrau]

Wow...I am so amazed at some of the responses here. I am the mom of a DD14. and she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or date. My DH and I are not being unreasonable in any way, and DD agrees with us. Now, if she wanted to go out on a group date with a bunch of kids, we would let her.

Most of her friends are boys, and she sits with a group of boys at lunch (they are nicer then the girls). Now 2 boys admitted this year, they liked her. She very nicely told them she was not allowed to date, and she only saw them as friends.

DD has a friend her age, that isnt allowed to date, and has secret bf;s at school...and is just making out with them there. You would be shocked at what these kids try to do and do actually do at school and on the bus.

Now, I have a very open relationship with my DD, we talk about everything. She tells me what is going on with her friends, and we have a trust that is built up. We have discussed sex, drugs and drinking for years. We have also dicussed that teenage boys just want one thing. ANd yes, 99.9% of them do, they want sex.

My oldest DS's are now 26 & 27. My eldest was having sex at 14, initiated by the girl (who I never liked), and even he agrees he was way too young. He slept his way through high school. Now my DH knew most of it, and made sure they used condoms. Being they had a brand new baby sister, they were very careful, but it didn't change the fact that they were man-*****s.

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Oh, btw, DD knows there is no privacy in our house. We have full access to her facebook page, and talk to her about every person she friends (my DN has almost 2000 friends...), we can check her texts at anytime and have full access to her email. She is only 14 and she knows we have her best interest at heart. Her computer is located in a public area also.

And I don't think we are going overboard, I know what I was doing at her age, and my parents were clueless. I have a very different relationship with my DD then my mom had with me!


OP, you need to have a long talk with your DD.

I feel sorry for a lot more than the first boy she likes back. This mentality will do nothing to help her in having a decent relationship with any males she gets involved with.

You pride yourself on your relationship w/ your DD in light of the fact that your parents were clueless???? So were you not ready to clue in w/ raising your sons or was it not worthwhile?

 

[hereyago]

Anybody Else Have An Urge to Go Read?

OMG! I am so dating myself, but I remember that movie. Rex Smith-You take my breath away!

 

[RitaE]

I had his poster on my wall!

And I'm embarrassed to admit I ~still~ own all 3 books.

 

[hereyago]

I had his poster on my wall!

And I'm embarrassed to admit I ~still~ own all 3 books.

Youtube it!

 

[dehlers]

Do not ever give up the network..... Its the most sacred of items you must keep.
Take some deep breaths... and then go in for the open hearted talk. If you cant get through this boyfriend thing how will you get any good info out of her?
So be calm and just be curious and try to continue to lead her to good decisions.
If you over react- imagine how she will react? Can we say REBELLION!

 

[dehlers]

You can put an age on dating... But they only get or go as far as you allow them.
Keep them busy and keep their trust- I support mine (who are younger) and we talk about everything.
Even the other girls in the hood come to our house for guidance and support.

 

[shortbun]

Look, I think there are a lot of you out there who are pretty clueless about what is going on with teens today. My son is 15, he has never been on a date yet he has had a girlfriend. They text, IM and talk at school. they hang out with a group of their friends and never have a private moment in person. To outlaw that kind of relationship-innocent flirting, sweet smiles and having lots of fun with your friends is nuts!! My in-laws and my parents were doing this sort of thing in the 1940's and they are Ozzie and Harriet, still. I think there are a whole bunch of you out there criminalizing innocent behavior. Granted, there are some kids doing a lot more but they are unsupervised and have not enough parental support. When hormones begin to surge, children begin to look at each other in a different light. Help your children ease into this part of their lives, give them guidance and love. they won't disappoint you.

 

[RF536]

That is great that it worked out for you like that, but you do realize that is not the norm? a 19 is only thinking about 1 thing and in some states if you did something that would be considered staturory rape, whether or not you consented.

I agree most 19 yr olds (boys and girls) are only thinking about 1 thing, but as a society when they act on it, the boy is viewed as the aggressor and the girl is viewed as the victim. Both sexes are equally capable it of not having sex if they chose (excluding cases of rape).

While I do understand that my story is not the norm, it does show what can happen when instead of slamming the door, parents trust their kids and keep the lines of communication open. My parents were not happy with the age gap, but they figured it was better to allow us to see each other in a controlled environment, then forbid it and force me to sneak around.

 

[Magic Mom]

Look, I think there are a lot of you out there who are pretty clueless about what is going on with teens today. My son is 15, he has never been on a date yet he has had a girlfriend. They text, IM and talk at school. they hang out with a group of their friends and never have a private moment in person. To outlaw that kind of relationship-innocent flirting, sweet smiles and having lots of fun with your friends is nuts!! My in-laws and my parents were doing this sort of thing in the 1940's and they are Ozzie and Harriet, still. I think there are a whole bunch of you out there criminalizing innocent behavior. Granted, there are some kids doing a lot more but they are unsupervised and have not enough parental support. When hormones begin to surge, children begin to look at each other in a different light. Help your children ease into this part of their lives, give them guidance and love. they won't disappoint you.

Exactly!

 

[JoiseyMom]

I feel sorry for a lot more than the first boy she likes back. This mentality will do nothing to help her in having a decent relationship with any males she gets involved with.

You pride yourself on your relationship w/ your DD in light of the fact that your parents were clueless???? So were you not ready to clue in w/ raising your sons or was it not worthwhile?

Having protective brothers and father is not going to help her have a decent relationship with a guy? How?? She sees how much she is loved and valued for who she is, and how much they want to protect her and not be hurt. That is bad? Not where I am sitting.

Yes. and I do pride myself with the relationship I had with my DD. Where did I not clue in my sons?? Did I ever say that? NO. I spoke to my DS's all the time. I was not detailed with them, since they didn't want to talk to me about it. They discussed it with my DH. I taught them to respect women and to be careful and to protect themselves. And that the consequences of unprotected sex was babies, and they saw how much work goes into babies. They have told me numerous times how careful they were becuase of their baby siblings!!

I talked to them about birth control, and how having sex so young was not a good thing. But again, if they were going to do it they had to be careful.

I had/have an excellent relationship with my DS's. But they did not want to discuss details of their sex lives with me. That they discussed with DH. And yes, when the opportunity came up for sex they took it. THey also took the precautions to protect themselves adn the girls they were with. The girls were all in the age category too.

I was very dismayed when I found out how young DS was. But there was not alot I could do after the fact. I figured they would have sex in HS, but never at such a young age. Again, if I was home, it may not have happened, but I was working.

DO you guys read before you post?

 

[JoiseyMom]

I don't think anyone is questioning that you have a great daughter and a wonderful, open relationship with her. That's fantastic. I hope she continues to make the sound choices you expect her to make. It isn't easy being a teenager these days!

The person that I responded too did question it. Insinuating that my child was just like all other teens, adn that she was a goody goody and what most goody goody teens are doing.

Which I why I responded they way I did.

I also hope she continues to make sound choices. It scares the heck outta me!! It is very hard being a teen today. I wish I could get her to make sound choices when it comes to school work!!

 

[dehlers]

how is she ever going to learn anything about relationships unless you guide her through this....