DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[Mandychelle79]

I was very dismayed when I found out how young DS was. But there was not alot I could do after the fact. I figured they would have sex in HS, but never at such a young age. Again, if I was home, it may not have happened, but I was working.

Could have happened at with you being at home too. At 14 I was great at sneaking the 17/18 yr old neighbor boy into the house, whether my parents were home or not. Worst thing my parents did was to forbid us from seeing each other once they found out we were no longer platonic friends ( they were ok with the friendship until then) Even my mom now agrees that she handled it the wrong way. He became the forbidden fruit, and we snuck around till I was 18, when mom couldnt do anything. He and I are still friends and my dh and I hang out with him and his wife at times. He also is my ride home from the bar if dh decides to go home or an understanding shoulder to lean on when I need a males point of view. and have come to an agreement that I will keep my daughter away from his son and he will keep his son away from my daughter.

 

[JLitfin]

The same thing happen with my son and his girlfriend. His girlfriend was a HS freshman and my son was a HS junior when they started seeing each other. She hide the relationship from her parents for several weeks until her mother found out. She was ok with the relationship but they continue to keep the relationship from her father. Since the two went to different schools they did get together outside of school. After a couple of months the father found out and kept a close eye on my son, but it was no longer a secret which was nice. She was the best thing that happen to my son, he was starting to hang with the wrong crowd. It's been 3 years now and their relationship is still going strong. My son is in his second year of college and his girlfriend will be graduating HS this year and off to college in the fall. They really care alot for each other, and they're even talking marriage in the future.

I don't always recommend a relationship like this in HS, but it seems to be working for them. I feel HS kids should have different relationships and not be centered in on one person. Good Luck with your daughter, I'm sure everything will work out just fine.

 

[mousebymarriage]

ok. I am the mother of a 14 year old girl and I do permit her to date but, I prefer that they go out in groups. She has had a couple of "boyfriends" but, it's mostly an in school, school events, texts, talking on the computer and cell. These "relationships" never last long and they go back to being just regular friends. Now, I will also say that they have hung out with friends in town, at the mall, movies etc. Am I stupid enough to think that they have never been alone, no. I have been very open with my DD about sex and I hope that she waits until she is older but, I am also realistic.

Since, my DD and her friends spend ALOT of time at my house you cannot imagine some of the stuff I have heard. The thing that amazes me is that one of DD's friends has super strict parents (they try to control every single aspect of the childs life, dating, school, extracurricular activities, "free time" etc.) and guess what, that girl is the most boy crazy of the group. That same girl also lies to her parents constantly about boys (since her parents have a "no dating until your 16" rule-she's 14) and she has also been caught a couple of times at the town park with a boy making out and a few other things. She was not caught by her parents but, by parents of friends. One of those parents spoke to this girls mother and the mother flipped out. The mother then questioned the girl and of course the girl denied it, the girl was punished and when the punishment was lifted she started sneaking around again (DD gave me this info).

Now, to my own personal story. My grandparents were VERY strict with my mother and she also was not allowed to date until she was 16 (not allowed even "group dating"). Well, my mother had a secret boyfriend when she was 13 and the same boyfriend when she turned 14, guess what else she had when she was 14....ME! Yup, I was born when my mother was 14 and my father was just 15. I was raised by my grandparents because my mother was so young.

OP the reason I am telling you this is not to criticize your parenting, we all parent the way we see fit. However, I just wanted to give you a couple of examples about what can happen if the lines of communication aren't open and your DD feels the need to hide. Just remember sometimes when something is forbidden it makes us want it more.
Like I said before I too am the mother of a teenage girl and honestly, it's much harder than I thought it would be.

 

[5lilfish]

As the mother of two girls, I'd like to show some support for the boys in light of the tangent this thread has taken.

It takes two to tango.

I have 4 girls (and 1 boy) and I agree. A girl can say no. I did.

Jess

 

[Mrs. Chamberlain]

As the mother of two girls, I'd like to show some support for the boys in light of the tangent this thread has taken.

It takes two to tango.

I can't agree with you more on this!




I just to post on this thread. I'm a 17 year old girl and my parents have never put restrictions on dating or any of that. I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. I've had boyfriends before. I don't have sex, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. None of that. Being able to date at 14 didn't screw me up at all. People in high school DO date and it's just something you need to get used to. You can't really control what your child does at school. If the school security at her school is anything like at mine, I highly doubt ANYTHING is really going on. The campus monitors tend to get mad when people kiss.

But yeah, just wanted to put my two cents in on the subject.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Another mother of girls, currently 14 and 19. My rule is that REAL dating is not until 16. That means older guy does not pick her up in a car and go out on a date.

Guess what? She lived and did not go crazy and so will this dd. I allowed the "group stuff" as well.

And everyone who is against this is right. You should guide your kids. My dd's did/do not need to be "dating" when they were 14. They were OK with that. What kind of kids do you guys have here that demand to DATE at 14 or else they are going to turn into lying partying monsters.

 

[Tiggeriffic79]

OP you seem to have a good relationship with your dd

if they have only been "gf/bf" for 2-3 weeks could it be possible that she does not see this "relationship" significant enough to mention? Maybe she is waiting to see if she really wants him to be her bf, and doesnt want to upset you or worry you over something that may not be worth upsetting you about. Maybe she is mature enough to realise that her relationship status could change tomorrow, and that if she concerns you with every 'relationship' (in the loosest of terms) she has you would be even more concerned.

The trouble with facebook is that the relationship status' are restrictive. 'in a relationship with...' could mean something serious and committed, (in adult terms it more often than not does), for young teenagers there is no lesser value 'seeing..., dating..., interested in... In teenage terms it could be just an expression of 'I really like you, I don't mind everyone knowing'. I wouldn't read to much into the status.

You say you have known access to her pages.. Does her relationship status reflect his? (ie does it show her as in a relationship?) Could you use this as a discussion starting point?

Try not to approach this with annoyance, she is more likely to open up if you are both on equal terms (you probably already know this as you say you have a good relationship).

Have faith and trust in your daughter, and she will reward you with the same.

 

[marcyinPA]

First thought is lock her in her room and never let her out.

She's a HS freshman, just turned 14 in the fall. Has been told point blank, you are too young for boyfriends. Today I found out from the mommy network that she DOES have a boyfriend for the last 2-3 weeks. He's a junior, at least 16 1/2 based on the fact that he has a drivers license. I haven't heard ANYTHING about it. I just signed on to her FB account and read HIS wall, which announces that he is 'in a relationship with xxxx'.

DH doesn't know, YET. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this calmly. I don't dare jeopardize my mommy network information line (DD told her friend, who told her mom, who told me). But I can manage around that as it is obvious on FB.

Any suggestions? (I'll put on my firesuit in case I am about to be pummeled).

ETA: she never sees him outside of school. we go out of state every weekend, and the only time she isn't home during the school week is when she is at dance class, and the director definitely doesn't allow any boys at the studio when the teen classes are there.

The part I bolded in red, is the reason she has not told you about the boyfriend. If you really came across to her as unflexible as you sound here, you completely shut her down.

I consider myself to be a strict parent, but I have never barked those type of orders to my DS15 because I know it will backfire. My DH and I have a very good relationship with him, and he tells us as much as we need to know.

I have a good friend with three boys (all teens) and they have always been very close minded and very judgmental about things with their kids, and their kids tell them NOTHING.

IMHO, you need to change things with your daughter now. Listen to her, be "real" with her, teach her what she needs to know about having a relationship, and let her work it out on her own. You give them the tools to work with, and then pray that they use them the right way!

ETA: Having a boyfriend doesn't mean having sex, either. She is at the beginning stages of dating. She likes the boy, he likes her. They are probably holding hands, maybe kissed....but that doesn't mean that they are getting married next week! I would talk to her and tell her that this is completely NORMAL, and encourage her to take it slow. This is your opportunity to teach her about respecting herself and being respected by the opposite sex. Don't let this opportunity slip past you!

 

[EllenFrasier]

IMO, any parent who puts that kind of restriction on their high school student should be prepared for rebellion. So she has a "boyfriend" that she sees during the school day only? I cannot think of any reason why this would upset a parent to the point of being forbidden. It's time to open the lines of communication and meet this boy. Otherwise, I think you are setting up for bigger problems down the road.

I can see a problem with having a "boyfriend" in high school. When I was in school some of my friends had boyfriends. They cut classes and hung out in cars and smoked pot and made out instead. If this kid has a driver's license, they could be leaving school grounds to be alone in the car. Do not assume just because she is in school that inappropriate behavior cannot occur. This is not the same thing as kids in grade school having a "boyfriend". My dd11 asked me about this just this year as most of her friends in 6th grade have boyfriends and she does not. I told her she can have all the friends she wants that are boys, but no boyfriends!

I think if it was me, I would approach it carefully, but ask her who this person is and why he has her listed as being in a relationship with him on facebook? Let her do the talking and explaining.

 

[Shmily1]

Telling her she can have no boyfriends is like putting her in a candy store and saying "no sweets for you!" Teen girls will have boyfriends whether you want them to or not. The real point you should focus on is if you want to continue having an open relationship with her or have her keep secrets from you. If you want to remain open, don't forbid-work with her, talk to her, and most of all, listen to what she wants and needs. If you want to continue to forbid her from anything, then you should be prepared to continue down the road of secrets. She'll still have the boyfriends, but she just won't share that with you. The problem there will be when she wants to take it further than just a platonic relationship, she won't feel comfortable talking with you about it and you won't get the chance to guide her through all those feelings and choices. It really seems to me the ball's in your court to decide which path you take it down.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I had unsubscribed to the thread after it had turned into a witch hunt, but, my curiosity got the best of me and I am back.

There are quite a few varying ideas when it comes to dating and the age at which it is best, worse, etc.

I would think that the OP and her husband know their daughter best and are looking out for her best welfare. They have set up the rules and their daughter knowingly violated these rules. That is problem #1. Whether or not you agree with the rules is another subject all together. IF the rule was no makeup until you are in high school, what makes it okay for the rest of you to judge that rule and tell the parent they are wrong?? The OP's daughter LIED, she had VIOLATED an established rule. That is the problem, not whether or not the majority think it is okay for her to date and therefore the daughter's lying is justified. The parents need to follow through on their rules and punish the violation. Now is NOT the time to negotiate the rules with the daughter, she already broke them. Do that with a teen-ager and you are asking, begging for trouble!! At every turn the daughter will be questioning the rule and saying "oh everyone else is doing it" and since when was that they way we parent?

As for 14 being too young, well, if you read my previous posts, you know I am against it. Our house was the hosting house for my daughter and her friends. I heard some stories that would make your hair curl. One girl in particular, at first hearing her talk, you would think her parents were holding her hostage, they were very strict. As time went on, we found out and discovered that this girl was sneaky and lying and she managed to sidestep her parents rules at every turn. Heck, she lost her virginity at a youth meeting in the Catholic church! Sometimes the parent actually knows their kid best and can make the right decisions for them. Undermining them is bad.

Each child is an individual and what is right for one may not be right for another.

Rules are rules, whether or not you agree with them is a different matter, the time to change the rules is before you break them, not as a means of defending what you did.

 

[Mermaid02]

I had unsubscribed to the thread after it had turned into a witch hunt, but, my curiosity got the best of me and I am back.

There are quite a few varying ideas when it comes to dating and the age at which it is best, worse, etc.

I would think that the OP and her husband know their daughter best and are looking out for her best welfare. They have set up the rules and their daughter knowingly violated these rules. That is problem #1. Whether or not you agree with the rules is another subject all together. IF the rule was no makeup until you are in high school, what makes it okay for the rest of you to judge that rule and tell the parent they are wrong?? The OP's daughter LIED, she had VIOLATED an established rule. That is the problem, not whether or not the majority think it is okay for her to date and therefore the daughter's lying is justified. The parents need to follow through on their rules and punish the violation. Now is NOT the time to negotiate the rules with the daughter, she already broke them. Do that with a teen-ager and you are asking, begging for trouble!! At every turn the daughter will be questioning the rule and saying "oh everyone else is doing it" and since when was that they way we parent?

As for 14 being too young, well, if you read my previous posts, you know I am against it. Our house was the hosting house for my daughter and her friends. I heard some stories that would make your hair curl. One girl in particular, at first hearing her talk, you would think her parents were holding her hostage, they were very strict. As time went on, we found out and discovered that this girl was sneaky and lying and she managed to sidestep her parents rules at every turn. Heck, she lost her virginity at a youth meeting in the Catholic church! Sometimes the parent actually knows their kid best and can make the right decisions for them. Undermining them is bad.

Each child is an individual and what is right for one may not be right for another.

Rules are rules, whether or not you agree with them is a different matter, the time to change the rules is before you break them, not as a means of defending what you did.

She broke the rules by liking a boy. Oh the horror. 14 year old girls are supposed to like boys. The parents "rule" is ridiculous. The girl is not DATING. Most likely she eats lunch with "the boy" and maybe talks to him in the hallways- maybe they hold hands

Many gave the mother advice- good advice, and also told her that "the rule" was ridiculous and pretty much unenforceable. Many spoke from experience. The truth- sometimes it hurts and often it isn't what we want to hear.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have a 17 y/o DD who was not allowed to date (as in go somewhere alone with a boy, be it in his car or someone else's) until she was 16. I personally think a) that a 14 y/o is too young to date and b) a 16.5 y/o is too old for a 14 year old (nobody asked that, but that's just MHO), as that is a huge age gap, especially considering the driving issues.

But what sticks out to me that no one else has mentioned is what the OP said about her DD not leaving the house except to go to school and dance...that seems extreme. Does she not hang out with friends?

This is ABSOLUTELY what jumped out to me (and my DD14). I cannot imagine a 14 year old with such a limited life not feeling totally smothered. As my DD said "so basically she HAS to lie to her parents to do anything normal."
OP--I think you may need to evaluate how you communicate with your daughter and what types pf freedoms you allow her (an personally, I agree with my daughter that she is being forced into not sharing things with you by your rules and should not be punished for this--instead, I truly think you should start a conversation with her by apologizing for putting her into a position of feeling she must sneak around and promising to be more respectful of her FEELINGS and life as you rearrange the rules.
I think suggestions to allow a "boyfriend" at school while not allowing dating alone make lots of sense.

Wow...I am so amazed at some of the responses here. I am the mom of a DD14. and she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or date. My DH and I are not being unreasonable in any way, and DD agrees with us. Now, if she wanted to go out on a group date with a bunch of kids, we would let her.

Most of her friends are boys, and she sits with a group of boys at lunch (they are nicer then the girls). Now 2 boys admitted this year, they liked her. She very nicely told them she was not allowed to date, and she only saw them as friends.

DD has a friend her age, that isnt allowed to date, and has secret bf;s at school...and is just making out with them there. You would be shocked at what these kids try to do and do actually do at school and on the bus.

Now, I have a very open relationship with my DD, we talk about everything. She tells me what is going on with her friends, and we have a trust that is built up. We have discussed sex, drugs and drinking for years. We have also dicussed that teenage boys just want one thing. ANd yes, 99.9% of them do, they want sex.

My oldest DS's are now 26 & 27. My eldest was having sex at 14, initiated by the girl (who I never liked), and even he agrees he was way too young. He slept his way through high school. Now my DH knew most of it, and made sure they used condoms. Being they had a brand new baby sister, they were very careful, but it didn't change the fact that they were man-*****s.

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Oh, btw, DD knows there is no privacy in our house. We have full access to her facebook page, and talk to her about every person she friends (my DN has almost 2000 friends...), we can check her texts at anytime and have full access to her email. She is only 14 and she knows we have her best interest at heart. Her computer is located in a public area also.

And I don't think we are going overboard, I know what I was doing at her age, and my parents were clueless. I have a very different relationship with my DD then my mom had with me!


OP, you need to have a long talk with your DD.

I won't repeat what others have said about the PPs posts--but no one else has commented on the bolded. Am i the only person who HATES this attitude???? How totally disrespectful to the daughter is it for the entire male side of the family to intimidate her choices as boyfriends? Do they not believe she can make her own good decisions? Do they not believe she is strong enough to take care of herself? It seems they believe she will (by default) amke bad choices and not be able to take care of herself, and/or that she is their property to be defended. YUCK. And the whole thing where parents bring in weapons when discussing this--as if it is in ANY way appropriate to threaten violence because someone may turn out to be not a good boyfriend down the line? I am not sure there are appropriate words to convey my dislike for such a thing.

 

[golfgal]

Prime example of why arbitrary ages for "dating" are just silly. Now these parents have forced their child into a situation where she had to make a choice and she made the choice that she thought was best for her-to lie to her parents. It's sad this child was put into this situation.

Personally, I WANT my kids dating in high school so we can help them through the first "relationships". For the most part our kids have made good choices with friends, but dating is a different story. Kids at this age often chose dates based on the wrong things, usually how kids look and while it is a start and lovely to have someone that is attractive to you, as an adult you know that isn't generally the best way to go about it.

DD was 'hanging" out with a boy this past fall. It was never an 'official' relationship. He was a nice kid but just not interested in a 'relationship' but never really told DD that. We had some conversations about how this just wasn't how you treated your friends. Had he been upfront about it that would have been one thing but we felt he was stringing her along. She finally told him what she thought and hasn't done anything with him since.

She also has liked one boy for many years. They are very good friends. We have talked about the pro's and con's about "dating" him and she values their friendship enough not to want to date him so they continue to be good friends. Honestly, I can see them getting married some day, or her marrying someone like him. I am happy I am able to help her through these first stages of picking a lifelong mate.

 

[SeaShelley]

I
As for 14 being too young, well, if you read my previous posts, you know I am against it. Our house was the hosting house for my daughter and her friends. I heard some stories that would make your hair curl. One girl in particular, at first hearing her talk, you would think her parents were holding her hostage, they were very strict. As time went on, we found out and discovered that this girl was sneaky and lying and she managed to sidestep her parents rules at every turn. Heck, she lost her virginity at a youth meeting in the Catholic church! Sometimes the parent actually knows their kid best and can make the right decisions for them. Undermining them is bad.

I have to ask...were the "strict" parents that way before, during and/or after their princess lost her virginity?

 

[5lilfish]

I had unsubscribed to the thread after it had turned into a witch hunt, but, my curiosity got the best of me and I am back.

There are quite a few varying ideas when it comes to dating and the age at which it is best, worse, etc.

I would think that the OP and her husband know their daughter best and are looking out for her best welfare. They have set up the rules and their daughter knowingly violated these rules. That is problem #1. Whether or not you agree with the rules is another subject all together. IF the rule was no makeup until you are in high school, what makes it okay for the rest of you to judge that rule and tell the parent they are wrong?? The OP's daughter LIED, she had VIOLATED an established rule. That is the problem, not whether or not the majority think it is okay for her to date and therefore the daughter's lying is justified. The parents need to follow through on their rules and punish the violation. Now is NOT the time to negotiate the rules with the daughter, she already broke them. Do that with a teen-ager and you are asking, begging for trouble!! At every turn the daughter will be questioning the rule and saying "oh everyone else is doing it" and since when was that they way we parent?

As for 14 being too young, well, if you read my previous posts, you know I am against it. Our house was the hosting house for my daughter and her friends. I heard some stories that would make your hair curl. One girl in particular, at first hearing her talk, you would think her parents were holding her hostage, they were very strict. As time went on, we found out and discovered that this girl was sneaky and lying and she managed to sidestep her parents rules at every turn. Heck, she lost her virginity at a youth meeting in the Catholic church! Sometimes the parent actually knows their kid best and can make the right decisions for them. Undermining them is bad.

Each child is an individual and what is right for one may not be right for another.

Rules are rules, whether or not you agree with them is a different matter, the time to change the rules is before you break them, not as a means of defending what you did.

But has she? She broke the rules by liking a boy at school? She has never seen the boy outside of school...so how can this be called dating?

Jess

 

[penn19]

I had unsubscribed to the thread after it had turned into a witch hunt, but, my curiosity got the best of me and I am back.

There are quite a few varying ideas when it comes to dating and the age at which it is best, worse, etc.

I would think that the OP and her husband know their daughter best and are looking out for her best welfare. They have set up the rules and their daughter knowingly violated these rules. That is problem #1. Whether or not you agree with the rules is another subject all together. IF the rule was no makeup until you are in high school, what makes it okay for the rest of you to judge that rule and tell the parent they are wrong?? The OP's daughter LIED, she had VIOLATED an established rule. That is the problem, not whether or not the majority think it is okay for her to date and therefore the daughter's lying is justified. The parents need to follow through on their rules and punish the violation. Now is NOT the time to negotiate the rules with the daughter, she already broke them. Do that with a teen-ager and you are asking, begging for trouble!! At every turn the daughter will be questioning the rule and saying "oh everyone else is doing it" and since when was that they way we parent?

As for 14 being too young, well, if you read my previous posts, you know I am against it. Our house was the hosting house for my daughter and her friends. I heard some stories that would make your hair curl. One girl in particular, at first hearing her talk, you would think her parents were holding her hostage, they were very strict. As time went on, we found out and discovered that this girl was sneaky and lying and she managed to sidestep her parents rules at every turn. Heck, she lost her virginity at a youth meeting in the Catholic church! Sometimes the parent actually knows their kid best and can make the right decisions for them. Undermining them is bad.

Each child is an individual and what is right for one may not be right for another.

Rules are rules, whether or not you agree with them is a different matter, the time to change the rules is before you break them, not as a means of defending what you did.

I think what most people were trying to say, or at least what I was thinking, was understand rules, but maybe just maybe, the family could sit down and discuss these "rules". I understand that it is the law that you have to be 16 to drive, 18 to vote etc.....But this is a family and why can't' they discuss the rules calmly and rationally?

 

[Evil Genius]

My mom had the same "rule" And believe me my sisters and I got around it. It sounds like the only time she has to see this boy is in school. So I don't see it as dating anyone. Talking to a male of the species yes, dating ummm no.

As ppp's have said, does this girl not hang out with anyone from school? No friends, etc? Maybe she is with this young man because it is someone out of her normal realm and that is the excitement and attraction of it all. Pick your battles OP. Talk to your daughter and find out if he is a friend or a boyfriend, big difference

 

[bellarella]

Whether or not you agree with the rules is another subject all together.[/I] IF the rule was no makeup until you are in high school, what makes it okay for the rest of you to judge that rule and tell the parent they are wrong??

This is at the heart of the issue, and what many people are trying to point out.

Wearing makeup is an action. Having a boyfriend is a social state. By making the rule "no boyfriends," OP has either made an incredibly strict rule that there is almost no chance of enforcing and cuts her off from communication with her DD, or an incredibly empty rule that captures nothing.

What is having a boyfriend? Is talking to one boy in particular having a boyfriend? Is it liking him while talking to him? If he likes her back then is it a boyfriend? What if they don't call it a relationship?

You simply cannot tell another human being not to like someone. And if the rule is simply that you can't call each other a boyfriend/girlfriend, then it is just silly.

The focus of the rule needs to be on the behavior. Like the makeup rule. I would assume that a girl who wants to wear makeup hasn't broken the rule. If she reads about how to wear makeup she hasn't broken the rule. If she talks to her friends about makeup the rule still isn't broken. She can talk to her mom when she starts getting interested in wearing makeup without fear because she hasn't broken the rule of actually wearing it.

Teens are a generally a pretty insecure bunch. It's unlikely that a boy or girl will go to their parents with their first crush until the "relationship" is pretty far along. First, they don't have a good sense of what the feelings are. Second, they usually don't want to be the first to admit that they might have feelings. So by the time they've really figured out what's going on in their own heads, they've already broken the rule and the incentive to talk about anything is gone, as is the incentive to follow the rule (after all, it's already broken).

You can have a no dating rule. Or a no talking on the phone rule. Heck, you can even try to have a no kissing/touching rule. But having a no relationship rule is mud that is often counter productive.

Oh, and on the negotiating point -- I will say this, I always look back and think some of my best parenting moments are those when I looked at my rules and what I was trying to accomplish and changed the rules when they didn't make sense. The moments I'm least proud of are those where enforcing the rules was about power and not parenting. My kids did not lose respect for me when I acknowledged that the rule may not have been a good one. They were also not let off the hook for choosing to break it rather than discussing it with me, though. There is a middle ground that can enhance your parental role.

 

[JCJRSmith]

Tell your daughter you know about her boyfriend and that you and that she is required to bring him over to meet you. Make sure your husband is cleaning his shotgun when the young man arrives. If DH does not own a shotgun, WalMart sells them