DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[BELLE1109]

I dated a junior as a freshman in high school...and married the guy 10 years later

your daughter is a teen and going to date. Its perfectly normal for a 14 year old girl to have a boyfriend. I completely agree with inviting the guy over for dinner and getting to know him.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I'm actually going thru something similar with my niece. She is 15 1/2-- 16 in Feb. She is "in a relationship" --FB's words not hers, with an 18 y/o. She originally didn't tell her family anything. She told her mom, but not her dad(my bro would flip). She didn't tell her mom his age. In the meantime her older sister (20) befriended him on FB (smart girl).

I didn't like the idea of it, but she is not my child. I continuously quizzed her on him, and even offered opportunities that they could get together with us as a group or with my ds and his gf. I only offered that because I knew her parents would never think to do any of that. However, I did let her know that her parents would have to give permission for him to participate in any activities. No permission = no boyfriend included.

Fast forward to both parents know about him and his age and a very adament NO! Now all of them are on FB, my niece and her "bf" are still an item. I finally befriended him w/o her knowing -- and she wasn't too happy, but understood why. I did find that he will be turning 19 ten days after she turns 16. Her parents think she is not "involved" with him, but for some reason they haven't made her change her FB status so the relationship is clearly there.

I found out that my niece talks to him on the phone and on chat. She also sees him over her friends house.

I do not support this relationship, but I told my niece I would keep my mouth shut as long as she was truthful with me because I want her to have someone to confide in and get good advice. Also I want to know where to look should something ever happen. I don't consider it going behind her parents' backs because they don't seem to care about it--it worries me. I told her they will be ticked if they ever find out and that he'd better be worth it because he could get into legal trouble not to mention tearing her family apart. Now having said that I know that they are only at the talking stage.

When I found out about the boy in the first place I told her make sure he knows "hands off the merchandise". When her mother found out about him she basically said the same thing and when my niece told her that I said that--my sil got ticked. My bro called my mom to yell at me about having a sex talk with her. Hello, hand's off the merchandise is hardly a sex talk. My niece does know that I will have one with her if she needs it-- her parents, school, and older sister have made sure she's up on things thankfully.

Again I'm probably very wrong, but I am very concerned about her safety. My bro and sil are unapprochable about it anyways. They don't keep track of her comings and goings. My mom knows about my confidence with my niece-- she's not happy about the situation either but knows that atleast some form of communication is going on.

 

[rigs32]

If they don't hang out after school, then there are no "dates". So, is what you're opposed to her calling him a boyfriend? The possibility of physical affection? Cause you can have one without the other. You can't forbid her from being around him in school - they must have met somehow, if only at lunch or in the hall.

Sounds like a nice talk about it and limits on interaction are the way to go. Just because you tell her she's not allowed to call him her boyfriend doesn't mean they wont hug or kiss in the hall.

 

[Kathi OD]

Based on this, I would not worry about it. She likes him. You can not control that. You have her on a tight lease so you know where she is and you can get to his Facebook wall where he's freely talking. Keep an eye on things and do not over react. Tell your daughter you heard she likes a boy. Do it Mom to daughter and don't make it a bigger thing than it is. Keep the lines of communication open and you won't cause her to do anything wrong. Liking a boy and talking to him on the phone is a perfectly innocent act. You could discuss her staying focused on her school work and that you do not want her liking this boy to in any way change her focus. She's a dancer, she's disciplined. It's good for her ego to have a boy like her. Keep her busy and remind her that dating isn't happening this year. You should begin to work on how you are going to handle her dating-at home dates only, group dates only, no riding in the boys car...these are the decisions you are going to be asked to make. Don't make the mistake of setting unrealistic rules or you will be setting your daughter up to fail. Keep communication lines open with her.

Caution your husband, her doting father, about over reacting. She likes a boy and he likes her. Nothing else has happened. Your daughter needs and deserves a calm, loving environment where she is trusted and can live within the guidelines you have set. Perhaps involving her in the beginnings of this discussion would work and then compromise will seem good to her. She is growing up and going to school with lots of kids who seem just like her -to her. Above all-stay calm, peaceful and rational.

THIS is by far the best response I've read.

You may find that she's glad you know about her "friend." She may want you as a confidant as she moves through this time in her life. Keep those lines of communication open!

 

[ilovejack02]

Based on this, I would not worry about it. She likes him. You can not control that. You have her on a tight lease so you know where she is and you can get to his Facebook wall where he's freely talking. Keep an eye on things and do not over react. Tell your daughter you heard she likes a boy. Do it Mom to daughter and don't make it a bigger thing than it is. Keep the lines of communication open and you won't cause her to do anything wrong. Liking a boy and talking to him on the phone is a perfectly innocent act. You could discuss her staying focused on her school work and that you do not want her liking this boy to in any way change her focus. She's a dancer, she's disciplined. It's good for her ego to have a boy like her. Keep her busy and remind her that dating isn't happening this year. You should begin to work on how you are going to handle her dating-at home dates only, group dates only, no riding in the boys car...these are the decisions you are going to be asked to make. Don't make the mistake of setting unrealistic rules or you will be setting your daughter up to fail. Keep communication lines open with her.
Caution your husband, her doting father, about over reacting. She likes a boy and he likes her. Nothing else has happened. Your daughter needs and deserves a calm, loving environment where she is trusted and can live within the guidelines you have set. Perhaps involving her in the beginnings of this discussion would work and then compromise will seem good to her. She is growing up and going to school with lots of kids who seem just like her -to her. Above all-stay calm, peaceful and rational.

 

[Tinkh]

My son is 16 and a half. His girlfriend is 15 and a half. They have been together a year and a half or so. Neither parents were THRILLED that they were a couple, but we did what we could to keep the communication open so they would not attempt to sneak around. We found out quickly how much nicer this was than when we had to sneak around behind our parents backs. They see each other a couple of times a week at our houses. My son either goes there for dinner and hanging or she comes here. We have open communication with her parents and touch base very often. Even exchanged Christmas gifts with one another. When they have a fight or are sad they come to us and talk about it. Until she turned 15 they were not allowed to go anywhere alone. Now that they have been together this long we do drop them off for dinner and a movie at our mall area. When I was a teen, my parents were that deluded that they truly believed that I was not going to like someone. Caused a lot of anger, resentment and sneaking around. The kids that are having sex at school etc. are either kids who have no parental involvement or the ones who have hovering overprotective ones for the most part. They are rebelling or just have no esteem. It is horribly sad. We have grown very fond of our son's girlfriend and for the time that they choose to be a couple they BOTH will enrich our lives.

Good luck truly. I would not presume to give someone advice about their children unless asked, but IMHO you are COMPLETELY expecting too much from her. It is a situation where she has no good choice in this matter. Yes, punish her for the lie of omission, but then say something like "how about next week your friend comes to dinner and we can watch a movie." She will probably be over the moon and look forward to those moments that you ALL can share together and still let her enjoy these new romantic feelings that are within her. Do not set up a battle that will make you both lose.

 

[Keli]

My Dh and I didn't allow dd to date until she was 16 years old. She may have liked boys before that but all contact would have been at school so we wouldn't have known if she did.
Dd was pretty excited about her first date. She had that date lined up two months in advance, lol.
With your dd I think I would try to talk to dd, open up communication. And I would consider giving her permission to like a boy at school as long as she understood no dating until she has reached 16 years or whatever age you and your Dh feel is best.

 

[phorsenuf]

Be so shocked and fall on knives all you want....

I love that!

 

[beattyfamily]

Op, I feel your pain.

I have a 14 year old DD too. She is not allowed to date yet except in a group setting. She likes someone from another town (met through friends/cheerleading).

She's always trying to get friends to go to the movies or the mall with her so she can see him in a group setting.

I'd also be concerned with the sneaking and the age difference too. Definitely time for a talk. Focus on those two issues.

I cannot believe how many people think real, exclusive, one on one dating at 14 is perfectly ok. I couldn't date till I was 16 either.

I also would like to know where those of you live who have 14 year olds having sex in school. I never saw it in my school and my daughter says nothing like that's happened in school that she knows of and she tells me everything (as far as I know). She did tell me there's a pregnant junior and that another kid sells drugs and finally that another girl did sexting and sent a nude pic to her boyfriend and the pic spread through the school (she thinks she's a dummy).

Regarding Facebook, going into your 14 year old's Facebook is NOT snooping. It's good parenting. Also, friend them too! I'm horrified by some of the stuff I see 14 year olds posting or talking about. The language is unreal. I never even heard those words till I was an adult! It's obvious to me that most parents are not their teens 'friend' and do not check on their kid's Facebook page which I think is not a good move.

Good luck, OP.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I love that!

Why do you love that?

 

[Magic Mom]

In order for your dd to learn how to have healthy relationships, she has to be able to start to develop them. Why can't she have a boyfriend?

Instead of putting iron clad restrictions on her, let her move into the world of dating slowly. i.e. at first a boyfriend is OK but dating isn't, then later allow group dates etc, etc.

You have to give a little or she will keep lying to you.

 

[phorsenuf]

Why do you love that?

It was a funny expression I never heard before. Just thought it was funny is all.

 

[Mermaid02]

It was a funny expression I never heard before. Just thought it was funny is all.

You're allowed to think it's funny.

 

[phorsenuf]

You're allowed to think it's funny.

Are you suuuurrrre??

 

[Anna_Marie]

In order for your dd to learn how to have healthy relationships, she has to be able to start to develop them. Why can't she have a boyfriend?

Instead of putting iron clad restrictions on her, let her move into the world of dating slowly. i.e. at first a boyfriend is OK but dating isn't, then later allow group dates etc, etc.

You have to give a little or she will keep lying to you.

 

[Minnesota!]

IMO, any parent who puts that kind of restriction on their high school student should be prepared for rebellion. So she has a "boyfriend" that she sees during the school day only? I cannot think of any reason why this would upset a parent to the point of being forbidden. It's time to open the lines of communication and meet this boy. Otherwise, I think you are setting up for bigger problems down the road.

 

[armomof3lvsdisney]

Mom of 17 year old SON here...I just want to say that please don't project the worst possible scenarios going on. Some of the comments are based on personal experiences and certainly are not true for everyone.

Not all high school boys only want to have sex with your daughters. Some just happen to like a girl and share a lot on common with her and want to hang out...that doesn't necessarily translate into having sex in the boys restroom.

My son happens to like a girl (also a junior like him), and we have plenty of conversations about treating her with respect and always remembering that she has parents, too that are concerned for her well-being. Both kids are very busy and don't spend a lot of time together...they don't even see each other at school that much.

I also have a 14 year old daughter - freshman. Fortunately, we haven't crossed this road yet because she just isn't boy-focused...lot going on in her life. However, if she were to like a 16 year boy whose family raised him much like we're raising our son, then I wouldn't have a problem with them hanging out together with group of friends or doing family/church things together...but no one-on-one dating until she's 16.

I suggest to OP that she make it a point to meet the family - let them know how you feel about the relationship. You may be surprised and find out you have similar values and can team-parent the couple as to avoid any issues.

Great post, I totally agree. From the mother of a DS18 and DD15

 

[5lilfish]

Op, I feel your pain.

I have a 14 year old DD too. She is not allowed to date yet except in a group setting. She likes someone from another town (met through friends/cheerleading).

She's always trying to get friends to go to the movies or the mall with her so she can see him in a group setting.

I'd also be concerned with the sneaking and the age difference too. Definitely time for a talk. Focus on those two issues.

I cannot believe how many people think real, exclusive, one on one dating at 14 is perfectly ok. I couldn't date till I was 16 either.

I also would like to know where those of you live who have 14 year olds having sex in school. I never saw it in my school and my daughter says nothing like that's happened in school that she knows of and she tells me everything (as far as I know). She did tell me there's a pregnant junior and that another kid sells drugs and finally that another girl did sexting and sent a nude pic to her boyfriend and the pic spread through the school (she thinks she's a dummy).

Regarding Facebook, going into your 14 year old's Facebook is NOT snooping. It's good parenting. Also, friend them too! I'm horrified by some of the stuff I see 14 year olds posting or talking about. The language is unreal. I never even heard those words till I was an adult! It's obvious to me that most parents are not their teens 'friend' and do not check on their kid's Facebook page which I think is not a good move.

Good luck, OP.

Speaking to the bolded statement....I did not get that feeling from this thread. Most people seem to be saying that the OP's DD is not really dating...since they have never seen each other outside of school. I know I have said that I just wouldn't give a blanket rule Forbidding dating in any sense (as in liking each other, sitting together at lunch, calling each other...which is all that seems to be going on here). I'd encourage open communication so that I could set up the appropriate ground rules for whatever age I was dealing with.

Jess

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow...I am so amazed at some of the responses here. I am the mom of a DD14. and she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or date. My DH and I are not being unreasonable in any way, and DD agrees with us. Now, if she wanted to go out on a group date with a bunch of kids, we would let her.

Most of her friends are boys, and she sits with a group of boys at lunch (they are nicer then the girls). Now 2 boys admitted this year, they liked her. She very nicely told them she was not allowed to date, and she only saw them as friends.

DD has a friend her age, that isnt allowed to date, and has secret bf;s at school...and is just making out with them there. You would be shocked at what these kids try to do and do actually do at school and on the bus.

Now, I have a very open relationship with my DD, we talk about everything. She tells me what is going on with her friends, and we have a trust that is built up. We have discussed sex, drugs and drinking for years. We have also dicussed that teenage boys just want one thing. ANd yes, 99.9% of them do, they want sex.

My oldest DS's are now 26 & 27. My eldest was having sex at 14, initiated by the girl (who I never liked), and even he agrees he was way too young. He slept his way through high school. Now my DH knew most of it, and made sure they used condoms. Being they had a brand new baby sister, they were very careful, but it didn't change the fact that they were man-*****s.

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Oh, btw, DD knows there is no privacy in our house. We have full access to her facebook page, and talk to her about every person she friends (my DN has almost 2000 friends...), we can check her texts at anytime and have full access to her email. She is only 14 and she knows we have her best interest at heart. Her computer is located in a public area also.

And I don't think we are going overboard, I know what I was doing at her age, and my parents were clueless. I have a very different relationship with my DD then my mom had with me!


OP, you need to have a long talk with your DD.

 

[GoodFairies]

Wow...I am so amazed at some of the responses here. I am the mom of a DD14. and she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or date. My DH and I are not being unreasonable in any way, and DD agrees with us. Now, if she wanted to go out on a group date with a bunch of kids, we would let her.

Most of her friends are boys, and she sits with a group of boys at lunch (they are nicer then the girls). Now 2 boys admitted this year, they liked her. She very nicely told them she was not allowed to date, and she only saw them as friends.

DD has a friend her age, that isnt allowed to date, and has secret bf;s at school...and is just making out with them there. You would be shocked at what these kids try to do and do actually do at school and on the bus.

Now, I have a very open relationship with my DD, we talk about everything. She tells me what is going on with her friends, and we have a trust that is built up. We have discussed sex, drugs and drinking for years. We have also dicussed that teenage boys just want one thing. ANd yes, 99.9% of them do, they want sex.

My oldest DS's are now 26 & 27. My eldest was having sex at 14, initiated by the girl (who I never liked), and even he agrees he was way too young. He slept his way through high school. Now my DH knew most of it, and made sure they used condoms. Being they had a brand new baby sister, they were very careful, but it didn't change the fact that they were man-*****s.

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Oh, btw, DD knows there is no privacy in our house. We have full access to her facebook page, and talk to her about every person she friends (my DN has almost 2000 friends...), we can check her texts at anytime and have full access to her email. She is only 14 and she knows we have her best interest at heart. Her computer is located in a public area also.

And I don't think we are going overboard, I know what I was doing at her age, and my parents were clueless. I have a very different relationship with my DD then my mom had with me!


OP, you need to have a long talk with your DD.

So, at 14, the sons get condoms from dad but the daughters get forbidden from dating? What a messed up dynamic! This is exactly what all good parents should strive to avoid. It sends the wrong message about genders and sex at an age where it is crucial to empower and educate ALL teens.