DD Drama - at my wit's end (sorry so long) ***Update post 127***

[The Mystery Machine]

Thursday night I find out they're talking again. Same argument....different outcome. She packs her bags and leaves!!!!! WTH?!?!?! Same answer "I'm 18 and you can't do anything about it." No, she doesn't go to my parents' house....she goes to HIS house!!!! I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever leaves home to "live" with a boy...she was on her own paying for college and I would NOT supply her with her car!! Her story is...she wasn't moving out, just getting away. If she wanted to get away, she could have gone to my parents' house!! I am wrong in my reasoning???? Have I completely lost my mind here? Do I just stand by and let her "stay" with this boy and his parents and supply her with the means to go to school in August? I just need someone to give me an honest opinion on what they would do. I feel all alone here!!!! I'm worried sick about her and devestated to say the least.

I have an 18yodd with a BF in TX, who she is going to see in a couple of days. This has been ongoing for over a yr. when we moved back to MO.

My dd has already tried the "18" thing and we told her she is welcome to move out, she can pack 2 suitcases and she would have to surrender her cell phone to us. We would even buy her a plane ticket.

We all moved out at some point and while I would be totally disappointed in her I would not stop her if she felt she was ready to go it on her own.

She thought about her options and decided to continue on the education track. Then again she knows we mean it.

In your situation, hmmmm.....

I would have my dd surrender her car, cell phone, keys to the house, let her pack a few boxes and then change the locks if she was serious about moving out.

Was she planning on going away for college or living at home?

If she wants to move out then OK....I would remind her that she would have no health insurance and I would not pay for college either.

I would give her the ground rules if she ever wants to come back and live under my roof. I would also remind her that my door is always open for visits, dinner, etc...

 

[sbell111]

I fail to see the direct connection between college and bad boyfriend. Further, I feel that withholding college from her will have the affect of pushing her to the boyfriend, not away. Finally, I think that ultimatums are a bad idea because when this relationship goes from bad to really, really bad, you want her to be willing to come to you.

 

[walkerag]

I fail to see the direct connection between college and bad boyfriend. Further, I feel that withholding college from her will have the affect of pushing her to the boyfriend, not away. Finally, I think that ultimatums are a bad idea because when this relationship goes from bad to really, really bad, you want her to be willing to come to you.

ITA, a boyfriend/husband that likes to play mind games is usually pretty successful in making the girl feel no one else wants her around. You need to make sure she knows that you are there if/when she needs you.

 

[BroknMom]

I would assume that she is not talking to you due to some influence he has over her. Or, she's just not ready yet to see that perhaps mom is right in this case.

Do her grandparents not think that perhaps this is an abusive relationship? What do they think about the faked death as well as the car chase?

I think she is not talking to me because she knows that I am right! But, it really doesn't even have anything to do with who is wrong or who is right in the situation....I am terrified for her safety.

My parents felt he was definitely in the wrong, but continually say...she has to make her own decisions...you did, we did, etc. I could ring their necks!!! I asked them yesterday what it was going to take for them to see the light, someone calling and informing us she was found in a ditch alongside the road?!??! I'm sorry, but I cannot sit by and wait for that to happen!

Thanks to ALL of you for making me feel I'm not losing my mind!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think she is not talking to me because she knows that I am right! But, it really doesn't even have anything to do with who is wrong or who is right in the situation....I am terrified for her safety.

My parents felt he was definitely in the wrong, but continually say...she has to make her own decisions...you did, we did, etc. I could ring their necks!!! I asked them yesterday what it was going to take for them to see the light, someone calling and informing us she was found in a ditch alongside the road?!??! I'm sorry, but I cannot sit by and wait for that to happen!

Thanks to ALL of you for making me feel I'm not losing my mind!!!!

I do agree she has to make her own decisions. However I would not support bad ones.

 

[sbell111]

I do agree she has to make her own decisions. However I would not support bad ones.

There is a difference between not supporting bad decisions and forbidding bad decisions.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

.

The boy lives with his parents. Would I actually have grounds calling and demanding they make her leave there since she's 18? I feel so stupid about all this stuff.

I would definitely start by calling his parents and telling them she does not have your permission to be there. Be nice and try to get their support. It's possible she or the boyfriend have told them some sob story about her getting kicked out or something. If the parents have any sense hopefully they will make her leave and go home. If they are wackos though they may let her stay and in that case there may not be anything you can do.

 

[Magic Mom]

I fail to see the direct connection between college and bad boyfriend. Further, I feel that withholding college from her will have the affect of pushing her to the boyfriend, not away. .

Although I understamd your fears, I tend to agree with Sbell. Your DD needs her college education ESPECIALLY if she continues her relationship with this clown. Eventually, in 6 months or 6 years she will see him for the jerk he is and leave him. Do you want her to have the freedom to leave him or feel stuck because she doesn't have a good job to fall back on? Also, when she goes to school chances are she will meet other kids and see that there is more ou there for her than an unhealthy relationship.

 

[EthansMom]

My kids are young yet, but, hypothetically, in your situation, I would let my daughter know that I love her and she can come to me at any time for any reason. But I don't believe that her relationship is healthy and that she deserves someone who treats her better.

I would NOT give DD any financial support (car use, pay for school, pay cell phone bill, spending money, etc...) while she was in a relationship with this boy. I would help pay for college once she got her head back on straight, but even then my support would be cautious and conditional (no seeing this guy, good grades, etc..).

I hope this works out for the best!

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd let her see what beign an adult is all about. be very calm and call her and say "DD, since you are now an adult, I just wanted to tell you that the car you are driving is inour name, so we'd like it back. Adults buy their own cars. The cellphone you are carrying is on our plan, so we will be removing your service. Adults pay for their own cell phone service. College is up to you. Adults figure out how to pay for college themselves. If you decide you no longer want to be an adult, what you would need to do is to remove bad BF from your life, period. That would be an adult decision that we could support and then we'll talk about the rest. In the meantime, when this relationship goes bad, as it will...again...you can call us and we'll come get you."

Some people have to learn the hard way.

 

[WriteDisney]

I fail to see the direct connection between college and bad boyfriend. Further, I feel that withholding college from her will have the affect of pushing her to the boyfriend, not away. Finally, I think that ultimatums are a bad idea because when this relationship goes from bad to really, really bad, you want her to be willing to come to you.

I completely agree.

 

[C.Ann]

I'd let her see what beign an adult is all about. be very calm and call her and say "DD, since you are now an adult, I just wanted to tell you that the car you are driving is inour name, so we'd like it back. Adults buy their own cars. The cellphone you are carrying is on our plan, so we will be removing your service. Adults pay for their own cell phone service. College is up to you. Adults figure out how to pay for college themselves. If you decide you no longer want to be an adult, what you would need to do is to remove bad BF from your life, period. That would be an adult decision that we could support and then we'll talk about the rest. In the meantime, when this relationship goes bad, as it will...again...you can call us and we'll come get you."

Some people have to learn the hard way.

Exactly what I would have said - but you said it so much better..

This is a clear cut case of "natural consequences".. The ball is in her court..

I hope it all works out in the end - but don't expect it to happen overnight..

 

[MELSMICE]

My support to you. Parenting is tough.

I would sit down & talk to her like Disney Doll said. Tell her that now that she is an adult, you would like to speak with her as an adult.

I'd remind her that you still love her, but are worried the same vicious cycle will continue over & over & you can not support that.

I would tell her that life comes with tough decisions & you, as a parent, are making a very difficult one in letting her become an independent adult, even though you don't agree with what she is doing.

Tell her you hope that she decides to continue with her education and that if she decides to move back home you will financially help her. If not, it will be tough but you hope she can find a good job so she will be able to go to school & support herself.

I would also remind her that she is very young & while she may not think so at this point, there is a lot of time for a relationship to grow & it may be best to work on this while she remains at home. She already knows how you feel about the relationship, throwing the negative in her face at this point is not going to help. If she believes that in some small aspect you aren't completely dissing the relationship she may back down on being so defensive.

I guess my main point is that I would try to calmly talk with her, while telling her that you are only looking out for her best interests. Yelling & screaming will accomplish nothing.

Good luck.

 

[sbell111]

I would definitely start by calling his parents and telling them she does not have your permission to be there. ...

She's 18. She doesn't need her mother's permission.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Although I understamd your fears, I tend to agree with Sbell. Your DD needs her college education ESPECIALLY if she continues her relationship with this clown. Eventually, in 6 months or 6 years she will see him for the jerk he is and leave him. Do you want her to have the freedom to leave him or feel stuck because she doesn't have a good job to fall back on? Also, when she goes to school chances are she will meet other kids and see that there is more ou there for her than an unhealthy relationship.

Yea well that is all true no doubt, you do need an education. Not arguing that point. But I would not pay for it in the OP's situation. That is my limit.

I don't play games like that. I do not have the tolerance for it and neither does DH.

Now if my dd was in a committed relationship with someone and doing well in school with an end goal, then that is a different situation to me.

If my kid at 18 decides they are going to call the shots while I pay for them, they have another thing coming. If you want to move out and be an adult, then go for it. There is nothing wrong with that. Some kids want to do it on their own.

If her life is "on hold" because of the jerk, then that is her cross to bear.

 

[brockash]

I know this is going to sound extreme, but honestly is there any way she could move out of state? Could she transfer schools and stay in a dorm, is there extended family anywhere? Like I said, I know it's extreme, but honestly these are VERY bad signs. The gun thing, the chasing her down with his car, leaving her 45 minutes away from home. This SCREAMS domestic violence, and if he's willing to chase her down with his car, when they're not even together, I don't see him letting go if he has any choice about it. My sister has been in an on again off again dv relationship since she was about 16 (she's now 22.) It's only going to get worse, most likely she'll start trying to cut you guys out of her life (because of him of course) and eventually she's going to leave home and then you won't have any control. The one thing that I sooo wish we would have done with my sister, was to move her out of state back when she was younger. Has you DD accepted that yes these are signs of domestic violence? If not, I'd google it, print it out and just put it on her bed, because I'm sure she won't want to talk about it, but I would guess that she'd still read it, and she'd start realizing what's going on, not that that means she'll automatically want to get out, but still it's a start. Good luck to you. These situations are really the hardest to deal with, because the abuser has all the control, and it just depends how far he's willing to go. I'd say the sooner you get her away from him the better, if you can, even if it means moving her out of state. I know it's extreme, but I work with DV victims every day, and it's just so frustrating, because even if you get a victim that wants out, they really do have to go to extreme measures to be able to doso safely.

 

[luckymom4]

If he won't "allow" her to go to hang out with friends, I highly doubt he will "let" her go to college. I think you're right on track here. Tough love is the answer. I love you, I'm here for you, but I will not supply you with a car and tuition since you chose to leave. And call it what you want, moving out is moving out. If she's not back in a week, I'd consider her moved out and act accordingly. Of course let her know in no uncertain terms that you love her and are there for her. Sounds like you already have. And to you. I can't imagine how hard this is. Good luck.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

There is no way in Hades I would be paying for her college or her car at this point. As many times as this jerk has hurt her, I could not just sit back and let it run it's course. I would tell her she needs to get her butt home or she loses her car and college money. Then I would get a restraining order againest this guy. I would also get her some counseling and find out why she even thinks this guy is good for her.

Absolutely!!

 

[Gabes_mommy]

She's 18. She doesn't need her mother's permission.

I needed my parents' permission for many things as long as they were still supporting me and in my case that was throughout college.

I said to inform the boyfriend's parents of this beacuse we don't know what her DD and the boyfriend told his parents. They could easily have lied to his parents and said it was OK for her to be there. His parents deserve to know the truth about how the OP feels about it and then they can decide how they want to proceed.

 

[Magic Mom]

If my kid at 18 decides they are going to call the shots while I pay for them, they have another thing coming. If you want to move out and be an adult, then go for it. There is nothing wrong with that. Some kids want to do it on their own.

If her life is "on hold" because of the jerk, then that is her cross to bear.

I would feel the same in almost every other circumstance but this one. I've seen women stuck in this type of relationship and it isn't pretty. For whatever reason, this girl thinks she needs this jerk. She isn't listening to Mom, and the more Mom pushes, the more dd will be attracted to jerkface. If it were my DD I would be quietly manipulating the situation to put the dd in the best spot possible to get away from him. In college she will have a support sytem of friends that she will need and will help her see him for what he is.