DD Drama - at my wit's end (sorry so long) ***Update post 127***

[BroknMom]

Just remembering to stop and send

OP, I realize that we don't really now what the current (as in right now, this afternoon) situation is.

You mentioned that she went to HIS house, but is saying that she was just 'getting away'. Is she still there?????

I am just thinking about how the woman being trapped with no transportation, no communication (cell), etc.... is the absolute dream situation for this kind of psychotic controller/abuser.

Now see, this is EXACTLY why I turned here!! That never even crossed my mind.

I just talked to my mom and she has given DD her cell phone to use in case of emergency (but knows she won't need it for why I think she will). DD was driving HIS (can't even bring myself to call him anything else) truck. She is going back to his house after he gets off work and plans on staying there until she gets back from the beach and has told my mom she will come home then.

 

[ginna74]

hope she is well today

 

[ginna74]

ok not today thought that was today

 

[BigMama]

I am sorry you are dealing with this , hopefully she will come to her senses and relize she has made a big mistake and come back home. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[saratogadreamin09]

I think part of the thing is that her father left and she grew up with just one parent so she never got to see a functioning relationship.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Yes. Stick to your guns. Also, get a restraining order to keep him away from your house. He may be human enough not to hurt your little girl (questionable), but most angry teen boys don't extend that kind of compassion towards interfering parents.

Sorry. Been stalked by exes like this. Got the t-shirt. Not pretty.

 

[Mkrop]

I sitll dont understand why you have not called his parents? I know she is 18 but I would be on the phone.

GL and I hope it does truly work out for you and your DD.

 

[eliza61]

I am having the worst ordeal of my life right at the moment.

DD18 has been dating the same boy since she was 15. Boy seemed to be a decent guy...we never had any problems out of him UNTIL the past year or so. He started getting VERY possessive of DD i.e., not "letting" her hang out with friends and when she did it was WWIII! So after one explosive night of fighting between the two of them last year, he called her late one night (she didn't answer because she did not want to argue) and left left a voice mail. The voice mail was rambling on about how he wasn't going to take it anymore...yadda, yadda, yadda and all of a sudden, you hear a gun go off....the cell phone falls to the ground and he is making these raspy choking noises. She comes to my room and wakes me up hysterical. Well, long story short, I stepped in and forbid them to see each other. I also made her do sessions with the school counselor.

Fast forward to this January. They start "talking/texting" again. She knows how we feel about it, but throws out the "I'm 18" crap around. I tell her as long as she is under my roof, he is to be nowhere around. Well, she decided to not have anymore to do with him. So she is out one night and I get a frantic call from her, "Mom, help me, what do I do...Mom please help me!" Seems ex-b/f is chasing her down the highway. I tell her a route to go to get home w/out having to stop and turn around. Meanwhile I get in the car to go meet her.....all the while, calling the police. I have a confrontation with him and police give him a warning.

So...come March, they are talking again!! By this time I am completely frustrated and everyone around me keeps telling me to let it run it's course. I still stick to my guns...he is to be nowhere around here. They make a date to go to prom together. They leave to go to prom dinner (two nights before prom), get into a fight and he leaves her along the road 45 minutes from home!!!!!! They break up again.

Thursday night I find out they're talking again. Same argument....different outcome. She packs her bags and leaves!!!!! WTH?!?!?! Same answer "I'm 18 and you can't do anything about it." No, she doesn't go to my parents' house....she goes to HIS house!!!! I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she ever leaves home to "live" with a boy...she was on her own paying for college and I would NOT supply her with her car!! Her story is...she wasn't moving out, just getting away. If she wanted to get away, she could have gone to my parents' house!! I am wrong in my reasoning???? Have I completely lost my mind here? Do I just stand by and let her "stay" with this boy and his parents and supply her with the means to go to school in August? I just need someone to give me an honest opinion on what they would do. I feel all alone here!!!! I'm worried sick about her and devestated to say the least.

First, you are not wrong. This guy #1 is violent. A gun going off is not some thing I am letting some one have a 2nd whack at. This is abuse. classic case. Isolation, threats, pleading for forgiveness. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. Donot let her sugar coat it or try to make it no big deal.

I also would not be paying for any thing. If she feels that she is mature enough to handle this relationship than she must face the consequences.

My hugs for you op, I'm on the opposite side. My oldest son is 18 and he is currently the international poster child for why some species eat their young.
I'm scared to drink a beer because I swear I'll never stop drinking.

 

[rie'smom]

This is exactly what I keep telling my mom!! She just doesn't get it. She is romanticizing (sp?) the whole thing! She keeps saying, "we can't help who we fall in love with." I could honestly ring her neck. I keep telling her that I see why she "condones" DD's behavior because she put up with a form of abuse from my dad for 41 years!!!! No, he was never physically abusive, but his cheating ways have taken its toll on her. She is letting her GrandDaughter think these actions are acceptable.

Ask your mother if she would have put up with that behavior from you when you were 18.

 

[BroknMom]

My hugs for you op, I'm on the opposite side. My oldest son is 18 and he is currently the international poster child for why some species eat their young.
I'm scared to drink a beer because I swear I'll never stop drinking.

I'm right there with ya sister! I did, however, just send hubby out for some good cold Bud Lime since DD isn't here. Hopefully it will settle my nerves and get rid of this raging headache!!

 

[BroknMom]

I sitll dont understand why you have not called his parents? I know she is 18 but I would be on the phone.

Calling would definitely be a waste of time. These are people who have told her all along that she doesn't need to go to school....their darling son will take care of her on his $200/wk job!!!!!

 

[ginna74]

you already told her you took away her school and her car.. which I hope you wont follow through

 

[ginna74]

she needs one there out for sure ......... she shouldn't be trapped if he is really an abuser


well I kinda go on my own experiences... but I wasn't a very tough girl either... there are a lot of tough young ladies out there

 

[MELSMICE]

OP - reaching out to her with the message that you love her & miss her is definitely a step in the right direction. This is just me, but I wouldn't mention the guidelines & restrictions for when she comes home. I would keep sending those message via text or phone while she's on this beach trip so she knows.

As much as it would kill me I would probably send messages such as, "hope you're enjoying the beach, miss you & love you." "Can't wait for you to get home, it's boring here without you." "Miss you, love you." You get the idea.

I think if you are continuing to "remind" her of the "guidelines" at this point it might just annoy her even when she's gone. She knows what your guidelines & rules are & I'm sure she knows you won't be changing your mind.

Again, this is just me, but I wouldn't mention them. When she gets home tell her you've have a lot of time to think & feel that you both need to have a long talk. JMO. Good luck.

 

[harleyquinn]

Sounds like she can get everything she wants from his family and him...DEFINITELY not the quality of life she can get with you, but he's got a car, parents that support him...and she's got your mother who sounds like someone who would go behind your back and support her too.

Don't push her away. She might like playing house with him right now, but she has shown that she will leave him in the past, it's just a matter of time before she leaves him again. I know you're worried about just what he'll do this time to make her leave, but refusing all support just will push her into his arms.

 

[ginna74]

and that is what is scarey...if he does something really bad to her, really hurts her and then she might not be able to come home because of no way to come home ( physically, no car) and just not wanting to come home emotionally,

that is why it is so DANGEROUS to play the car thing, if he was just not a nice guy, but he is abusive right??? GIVE HER BACK THAT CAR!!!! it isn't about a boy anymore it is about a man that could hurt your daughter, people are talking about RESTRAINING ORDERS.... BUT HE IS STILL WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.... so give her the car.... let her be safe... this is about her life... unless I am wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy off base and he is just a guy you don't like and I am reading it wrong like I always do and if I am I am sorry... lol but if I am not let her be safe.. give her the car.. giver her a reason to get away... let her go to college.. FORCE HER TO GO.. lol... I would..

 

[BroknMom]

OP - reaching out to her with the message that you love her & miss her is definitely a step in the right direction. This is just me, but I wouldn't mention the guidelines & restrictions for when she comes home. I would keep sending those message via text or phone while she's on this beach trip so she knows.

As much as it would kill me I would probably send messages such as, "hope you're enjoying the beach, miss you & love you." "Can't wait for you to get home, it's boring here without you." "Miss you, love you." You get the idea.

I think if you are continuing to "remind" her of the "guidelines" at this point it might just annoy her even when she's gone. She knows what your guidelines & rules are & I'm sure she knows you won't be changing your mind.

Again, this is just me, but I wouldn't mention them. When she gets home tell her you've have a lot of time to think & feel that you both need to have a long talk. JMO. Good luck.

I think this is a really good idea!! And you're definitely right about "reminding" her of the guidelines. I'll give it a rest for now.

I will definitely send her the texts on my mom's phone while she's gone.

Thank you for the suggestion!

 

[SnowWhite607]

I would feel the same in almost every other circumstance but this one. I've seen women stuck in this type of relationship and it isn't pretty. For whatever reason, this girl thinks she needs this jerk. She isn't listening to Mom, and the more Mom pushes, the more dd will be attracted to jerkface. If it were my DD I would be quietly manipulating the situation to put the dd in the best spot possible to get away from him. In college she will have a support sytem of friends that she will need and will help her see him for what he is.

But I would also have to agree with the poster that pointed out if he is trying to control her now, he may not allow her to go to college. Trust me, I kow first hand. I was married to a man who verbally and emotionally abused me so bad hat I quit college, not once but twice because he didnt want me around other men, he didnt want me that far away, he didnt want me to get an education (cause if I did that, I could get a good job and not be dependant on him anymore). As soon as I came to my senses (with my mothers support I might add) I dumped that loser, got a divorce, went back to school and got my degree.

I still get collections calls for him 14 years later.. Obviously he isnt doing so well! LOL! And he has been married and divorced twice since me (and once before).

Stick with it, OP!! I would love to know how the "rest of the story" plays out.

 

[BroknMom]

and that is what is scarey...if he does something really bad to her, really hurts her and then she might not be able to come home because of no way to come home ( physically, no car) and just not wanting to come home emotionally,

that is why it is so DANGEROUS to play the car thing, if he was just not a nice guy, but he is abusive right??? GIVE HER BACK THAT CAR!!!! it isn't about a boy anymore it is about a man that could hurt your daughter, people are talking about RESTRAINING ORDERS.... BUT HE IS STILL WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.... so give her the car.... let her be safe... this is about her life... unless I am wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy off base and he is just a guy you don't like and I am reading it wrong like I always do and if I am I am sorry... lol but if I am not let her be safe.. give her the car.. giver her a reason to get away... let her go to college.. FORCE HER TO GO.. lol... I would..

You raise some very good points here!! The situation really has nothing to do with me not liking him....it definitely has everything to do with her safety. Thank you so much for the points you are bringing up...I truly appreciate each and every one of them!

 

[BroknMom]

But I would also have to agree with the poster that pointed out if he is trying to control her now, he may not allow her to go to college. Trust me, I kow first hand. I was married to a man who verbally and emotionally abused me so bad hat I quit college, not once but twice because he didnt want me around other men, he didnt want me that far away, he didnt want me to get an education (cause if I did that, I could get a good job and not be dependant on him anymore). As soon as I came to my senses (with my mothers support I might add) I dumped that loser, got a divorce, went back to school and got my degree.

So how long did it take for you to realize what you had known deep down for awhile?