Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[NHdisneylover]

The three things folks need to know and agree on before marriage: money, religion and children. I think it's reasonable to ask a young man's religious background if he's dating your daughter.

Personally, I think ti is reasonable for HER to ask him about these things if they are dating and it is starting to get serious.
I think parents asking a TEEN boy this before a first date (or even him asking her on a first date) is intrusive, shows little trust in the daughter AND puts waaaaaay too much pressure on the teens to consider their relationship to be really serious instead of just a casual get to know you thing which I feel is appropriate for teens.

ETA--I get that religion is very important to some people and differing religions can cause difficult relationships--I just don't see why you cannot explain that to your teen and then trust him/her to decide how much impact they think that should have--especially in a high school relationship. Do you actually WANT them to be looking at every teenage dating experience as strong marriage candidate?

 

[Jennasis]

I think it's a GRAND idea. It will give the young man in question an opportunity to inquire about the dowry the young lady he's a' courtin' will come with.

 

[LittlePinkDot]

I think it's reasonable to ask a young man's religious background if he's dating your daughter.

I think it is rude to ask someone about their religion It is really none of your business. If the young man is a good person, treats your daughter well and your daughter likes him, religion shouldn't be an issue.

 

[RitaE]

exactly. The whole boy must petition the father for permission to date a daughter thing pretty much says to me that you don't trust your daughter to
choose what you consider acceptable boys to date to begin with.

It's probably best if you just arrange her dates for her, and then the marriage.

 

[JenM]

Personally, I think ti is reasonable for HER to ask him about these things if they are dating and it is starting to get serious.
I think parents asking a TEEN boy this before a first date (or even him asking her on a first date) is intrusive, shows little trust in the daughter AND puts waaaaaay too much pressure on the teens to consider their relationship to be really serious instead of just a casual get to know you thing which I feel is appropriate for teens.

ETA--I get that religion is very important to some people and differing religions can cause difficult relationships--I just don't see why you cannot explain that to your teen and then trust him/her to decide how much impact they think that should have--especially in a high school relationship. Do you actually WANT them to be looking at every teenage dating experience as strong marriage candidate?

I agree with this as well. I can understand wanting to have a sit-down with the date once they start seeing each other more frequently - but if they're just going out to a movie or joining some friends at Applebee's or something (which tended to be what "dates" consisted of in my high school), the formal interview with dad (or mom, let's have some equal time here) seems to be a bit excessive.

 

[Coconut36]

I don't really think she is saying that she wouldn't allow them to go out on a date if was a different religion or had no church background.

This may not be an engagement, but you can gauge their intenetions after speaking for a short time and it shows respect to the young lady. I hear too much about the things that happen on the bus, I see too many children with STD's and pregnant and wonder what their parents were doing or not doing for this to happen and yes, it happens to good kids too, but maybe if we stop and get involved in children's lives more, it would happen less.

If it has no relevance to their ability to date why would one talk to the boy about it? I feel that is irrelevant and STDs and pregnancy can't be solved in quizzing a teen boy about his religion, politics and so on prior to a date.

There is being involved and there is being overly involved and setting rules that are going to cause more harm than good.

 

[Coconut36]

I think it is rude to ask someone about their religion It is really none of your business. If the young man is a good person, treats your daughter well and your daughter likes him, religion shouldn't be an issue.

I agree. It's extremely inappropriate and rude and I fail to see the relevance or how it would influence anything.

exactly. The whole boy must petition the father for permission to date a daughter thing pretty much says to me that you don't trust your daughter to
choose what you consider acceptable boys to date to begin with.

It's probably best if you just arrange her dates for her, and then the marriage.

I was thinking this too..at 16 they need a certain amount of autonomy and certainly it is good to meet and greet a date and get to know them if a relationship progresses it's excessive to demand a boy "petition" the father for a date and go through a grilling process to do so (with invasive questions like religion being involved)

I agree with this as well. I can understand wanting to have a sit-down with the date once they start seeing each other more frequently - but if they're just going out to a movie or joining some friends at Applebee's or something (which tended to be what "dates" consisted of in my high school), the formal interview with dad (or mom, let's have some equal time here) seems to be a bit excessive.

Exactly..for first/casual dates it's beyond excessive. As a relationship progresses by all means get to know them (and their parents) better.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I think it's a GRAND idea. It will give the young man in question an opportunity to inquire about the dowry the young lady he's a' courtin' will come with.

I see this as sexist and demeaning to daughters. You are seriously going to question the poor kid about his religion just because he wants to take your daughter to a movie? He's not "courting" her. What if he's an atheist, do you show him the door?

I am raising a confident and strong daughter (and son). I think she will be able to do a good job picking someone to go to a movie with.

If you raise your children with good moral, standards and a healthy dose of self respect then you should trust in their choice for a Friday evening.

And I would honestly be ticked if my son was questioned about his religion when he went to pick up a girl for a 4 hour date.


Edited to add: I think this plays well for a Family Values Christian movie, but not so well in real life.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, I just, in all seriousness, told both of my kids that if any adult ever tried to pry into their personal life like this before allowing them to date the adult's child that they should politely decline to answer and then get out.
Sorry OP but I feel that is completely inappropriate for adults to be doing to teens who are doing something as benign as trying to go to dinner or a movie, etc.

 

[Coconut36]

Well, I just, in all seriousness, told both of my kids that if any adult ever tried to pry into their personal life like this before allowing them to date the adult's child that they should politely decline to answer and then get out.
Sorry OP but I feel that is completely inappropriate for adults to be doing to teens who are doing something as benign as trying to go to dinner or a movie, etc.

Mine are too young for those talks just yet but I will be stating the exact same thing. Highly inappropriate and I would feel so bad for the poor girl who has parents that acted that way but I will teach my sons that things like their religious beliefs, their politics and other private details are not something they have to disclose to a potential dates parents and they should run for the hills if someone asks them. They can politely state "I am not comfortable discussing this" and end the conversation.

I would feel differently if it was a long term girlfriend or someone they were serious about but for a first date or casual high school date? No how, no way.

 

[JenM]

That's an excellent point too - I can't imagine being the parent of a teenage boy finding out how my son got grilled like he was at a job interview just because he wanted to take a girl out on a simple date. I wouldn't be happy about that at all.

And it doesn't seem fair to either of the kids in question - it puts the girl in the awkward position of telling any boy that asks her out that they'll have to go through all if this before they can even ask, and it really puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on the boy.

Yes, there are terrible stories out there about teenage relationships gone bad, but honestly...most are certainly harmless enough then to put the kids through all of this just so they can spend an evening together.

 

[KristaTX]

I don't think it has to be a formal conversation. I think parents need some sense of character to have some comfort. I want to spend some time getting to know their dates before they go out one on one. I always tell my DS16 that he can invite whoever over for dinner, or for game night, or movie night...something so we can casually get to know the person. It also shows my son that we care, and it shows the same to whoever it is that he is dating.

I don't have kids, so I'm thinking of my perspective when I was a kid. I'm also not directing this post at the thread starter. But this is my reaction when trying to think from both a kid's and a parent's perspective.

I like the idea of having just some kind of casual get-together with the date before actually going out alone. Like pizza and a movie night at the house. I like that idea no matter whether your child is a boy or a girl, as long as you apply that rule to your girl and boy children equally. If both families have that rule, then they can have a get-together for all of them at the same time.

But I HATE the idea of the boy asking the dad if he can take someone else's daughter out. Especially before even asking the girl. Does that go both ways? Does the girl also have to ask the boy's mother if she can go out with the boy?

The child of that parent should be the only one asking if they can go out with the other kid, and what the rules are for dating. But not the other kid. Gee whiz. And I especially hate that idea if only boys have to ask a girl's dad and not the other way around.

 

[dansamy]

Considering that I never dated a young man without considering his suitability for marriage, yes. I want my children to consider who they date. If they fall in love with a person who is not a suitable marriage candidate, there's heartache in store. It's better to avoid the possibility by setting some expectations. Of course, they shouldn't expect to marry every person they date, but they shouldn't be dating someone that they wouldn't want to marry.

I have no intention of grilling any of the young men that my daughter may want to date, but she'll have the same rules that *I* set for myself. I'll expect that she goes out with the youth group from church and other similar churches in our area. And I expect our boys to respect the parents of any of the girls they want to date. I expect my children to tell me about who they are dating. I shouldn't need to grill them or their dates.

 

[JenM]

Considering that I never dated a young man without considering his suitability for marriage, yes. I want my children to consider who they date. If they fall in love with a person who is not a suitable marriage candidate, there's heartache in store. It's better to avoid the possibility by setting some expectations. Of course, they shouldn't expect to marry every person they date, but they shouldn't be dating someone that they wouldn't want to marry.

I didn't consider marriage on the first date I ever went on. I just thought it was cool that he had a Nintendo.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Considering that I never dated a young man without considering his suitability for marriage, yes. I want my children to consider who they date. If they fall in love with a person who is not a suitable marriage candidate, there's heartache in store. It's better to avoid the possibility by setting some expectations. Of course, they shouldn't expect to marry every person they date, but they shouldn't be dating someone that they wouldn't want to marry.

I guess that is where we really differ. I was not thinking about marriage in anything other than the most transitory way when i was in high school and I hope my kids are not either.
I expect/want my kids to date someone because they like them, enjoy time with them and want to get to know them better NOT because they are checking to see if they want to marry the person. THAT is what dating in your mid twenties is (or can be) for, nit teen dating (in my opinion anyway).
This is not to say that it is never possible or even good that a highschool romance turns out to last forever. It can. I just think it should never start off with those intentions or thoughts at such a young age.

 

[SaraJayne]

Considering that I never dated a young man without considering his suitability for marriage, yes. I want my children to consider who they date. If they fall in love with a person who is not a suitable marriage candidate, there's heartache in store. It's better to avoid the possibility by setting some expectations. Of course, they shouldn't expect to marry every person they date, but they shouldn't be dating someone that they wouldn't want to marry.

I have no intention of grilling any of the young men that my daughter may want to date, but she'll have the same rules that *I* set for myself. I'll expect that she goes out with the youth group from church and other similar churches in our area. And I expect our boys to respect the parents of any of the girls they want to date.

Who considers marriage in high school??

 

[Mrs.Toad]

The three things folks need to know and agree on before marriage: money, religion and children. I think it's reasonable to ask a young man's religious background if he's dating your daughter.

It's a date, it's not a marriage proposal. And if that time comes, it's between the two people getting married, not their parents.

One of the best ways to alienate yourself from your kids is to tell them they shouldn't date or get more serious with a person because of his religion or race.

On the other hand, I do agree with your first sentence, and will tell my girls the same thing when they begin serious dating. The difference is that I believe it's between them and their boyfriends, and is none of my business.

I think it's a GRAND idea. It will give the young man in question an opportunity to inquire about the dowry the young lady he's a' courtin' will come with.

 

[punkin]

Who considers marriage in high school??

I did. I never dated anyone whom I would be unwilling to marry. Dating (IMO) is to find someone to marry. I can have fun with friends (and I had a lot of boy friends) but dating is another issue.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I guess that is where we really differ. I was not thinking about marriage in anything other than the most transitory way when i was in high school and I hope my kids are not either.
I expect/want my kids to date someone because they like them, enjoy time with them and want to get to know them better NOT because they are checking to see if they want to marry the person. THAT is what dating in your mid twenties is (or can be) for, nit teen dating (in my opinion anyway).
This is not to say that it is never possible or even good that a highschool romance turns out to last forever. It can. I just think it should never start off with those intentions or thoughts at such a young age.

Well said. I was speechless trying to respond to that and you did it very well.

I'm still speechless WRT the second paragraph, though.

 

[marcyinPA]

Who considers marriage in high school??

I'm not the poster, but I don't think this is what she meant. Just going out on a limb here, but I think it has more to do with respect and trust. I would not want my son to date someone who did not respect him, and who he did not trust, just as I would not want him to MARRY someone who did not respect him and who he did not trust. That doesn't mean that marriage is being considered every time your kid dates someone. It just means you can apply the same rules to both dating AND marriage.

Again, this was my perception of what she posted. I could be dead wrong.
ETA: just re-read that poster's post....I think she DID mean exactly what she said. So, I retract. BUT, I agree with what I posted, which I put in bold!