Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[leagirl12]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

 

[Hannathy]

I think the rules you are planning are excessive. They are high school kids going for coffee or to watch a movie at someones house they aren't getting engaged! My DD is in college and I only ever really got to know 1 kid she dated. Most of the casual dates they don't even really know each other.


You trust YOUR child to make good choices and decisions not the other kid.

It really comes down to you either trust your own child or you don't and if you don't then dating is the least of your problems.

 

[golfgal]

Around here "high school" not a "age" for solo dating is the norm. Here the high school is grades 9-12. Since most 9th graders can't drive, their "dates" still involve parents bringing them back and forth. Into sophomore year kids start getting their licenses so solo dating is more common. By then, kids are 16 or very close to 16 so it works out to be pretty much the same.

A lot of kids, our's included, "dated" in middle school. For most kids that meant you sat by them at lunch. A couple times DD went over to her "boyfriend's" house for a quiet dinner with his parents, sister and about 20 of their friends (football parties) . I was ok with that, plenty of supervision.

It really comes down to your kids and making absolute rules for the sake of making rules is kind of silly to me.

As for meeting the parents, sure, that is just the polite thing to do, asking the Dad before being allowed to date your DD is sexist and degrading to your DD. Why not ask the Mom before you allow your son to go out with a girl? We never expected our kids to bring over a boyfriend/girlfriend before they started dating. We trust their judgement.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think the rules you are planning are excessive. They are high school kids going for coffee or to watch a movie at someones house they aren't getting engaged! My DD is in college and I only ever really got to know 1 kid she dated. Most of the casual dates they don't even really know each other.


You trust YOUR child to make good choices and decisions not the other kid.

It really comes down to you either trust your own child or you don't and if you don't then dating is the least of your problems.

I totally agree with this

It really comes down to your kids and making absolute rules for the sake of making rules is kind of silly to me.

and this

DD is 14, nearly 15. She has not been interested enough to go on a "date" but if she wanted to and it was something I would let her do with just a friend, I would be okay with it. I trust her judgement.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think the rules you are planning are excessive. They are high school kids going for coffee or to watch a movie at someones house they aren't getting engaged! My DD is in college and I only ever really got to know 1 kid she dated. Most of the casual dates they don't even really know each other.


You trust YOUR child to make good choices and decisions not the other kid.

It really comes down to you either trust your own child or you don't and if you don't then dating is the least of your problems.

I absolutely agree it's much more about your own child's judgment. You can tell an awful lot by the friends they pick.

 

[wvjules]

My only 'rule' if you want to call it that, is that the boy can't be more than 2 years older than her.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm always curious about posts like this. What exactly is it that your husband will talk to him about? His intentions? His future career path? How he feels about politics and religion? Do you honestly think in meeting a boy for the first time, even if it's for an hour your husband will really know him enough to make a decision? I think this is putting the cart before the horse. Once the relationship seems to be getting a little more serious, i.e, more than just an occasional date to a movie, etc., then I would begin bringing the boy into the family, so to speak. But putting a kid through a battery of questions before he ever even gets near your daughter is a little overkill, in my opinion.

 

[leagirl12]

I'm always curious about posts like this. What exactly is it that your husband will talk to him about? His intentions? His future career path? How he feels about politics and religion? Do you honestly think in meeting a boy for the first time, even if it's for an hour your husband will really know him enough to make a decision? I think this is putting the cart before the horse. Once the relationship seems to be getting a little more serious, i.e, more than just an occasional date to a movie, etc., then I would begin bringing the boy into the family, so to speak. But putting a kid through a battery of questions before he ever even gets near your daughter is a little overkill, in my opinion.

Yes to the bolded...well not politics but definitely religion. And I know you can't really know a boy from a first meeting but you can tell alot about a boy who has no problem sitting down and having this conversation vs. someone who thinks it is absurd.

I know that trusting your kids is a huge part of it but I also feel it is our job as parents to give them guidance as they move into this part of becoming an adult.

 

[DeaverTex]

Having been a teenaged boy -- long, long ago, but not so many decades past that I've forgotten -- having to meet a girl's parents BEFORE I was permitted to ask her on a date would be way over the top. How would you advise the boy to go about all this?

1. Work up the courage to ask the girl out in the first place. That's not always the easiest thing to do.

2. Ask the girl if she'd be willing to consider a date with him. Careful, now, he'd have to explain that he's NOT asking, just asking about asking.

3. Make arrangements to meet the parents. Hmm... just what I always wanted to do when I was a teenager, visit someone else's parents. Jolly!

4. Endure a "conversation" with the girl's father. As a PP said, what is the father going to ask? What are the boy's job prospects? How many children does he plan to have? Has he drafted a prenuptial agreement?

5. If all goes well now a vision of feminine perfection will make her entrance into the room. What an impression our hero, sweaty and nervous, is making now!

6. In front of our heroine's parents, he asks her if she would like to go out with him. Yeah, right. Which of the kids is going to be more miserable at this point?

Besides, what happens if she's decided that she doesn't want to go? How delightful it would be, there in front of smiling parents, for dear daughter to make her appearance barefoot and in raggedy sweat pants, with wet hair, to tell her would-be suitor that she's not interested.

Oh... what happens if dear daughter asks the boy out? Is there a full round of social calls between the kids and the parents? Do the fathers size each other up warily, hands on six-shooters or clubs? Do they negotiate a bride price?

Lighten up! It's just a date. If you've raised your daughter to respect herself, then you need to quit worrying. If you haven't raised her that way, then it's too late to worry.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

I agree with you that this is something that is very important more so in this day and age. Some will say it is not necessary, but I think it is. I don't have children, but I would raise mine with the same values I was raised with.

My mom always told me that I could start dating at 16 and she would have to meet the young man before we went out and at that time, I was in a small school and she knew most of my classmates and parents, so not a big deal.

I think what you have in mind is great. I see too many "babies" in relationships and having babies themselves because their parents aren't involved in heir lives and I am not saying this is the case for everyone, but it does happen alot. I work in a hospital, I see alot.

That movie came out of a church in a town close to us. It sent out several important messages. I saw it more from the perspective of a child who didn't have a father. It was a very powerful movie.

 

[miralys]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

This is basically what my parents required in our household, but the age limit was 16. 16 was the magic age for so many "grown up" things in our house It irritated me when I was younger, but looking back I think they were right.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes to the bolded...well not politics but definitely religion. And I know you can't really know a boy from a first meeting but you can tell alot about a boy who has no problem sitting down and having this conversation vs. someone who thinks it is absurd.

I know that trusting your kids is a huge part of it but I also feel it is our job as parents to give them guidance as they move into this part of becoming an adult.

So if his religion was different than yours, would you not allow your DD to go out on the date?
Could she not ask them about that herself anyway?
I am totally serious. I find that fascinating.

 

[marcyinPA]

I saw the movie...I loved the movie. It really hit home in many ways, and made me even more convicted.

The dating thing is hard. I have two boys. They are both good boys. Churched boys. Christian boys. Respectful. They stay out of trouble. They are friends with good kids. The thing is that not every parent of every girl they want to date will know this about them. They need to get to know them.

My 16 year old took a girl friend of his to homecoming. Her parents were a little nervous, because although they sort of knew my son, they don't KNOW my son like we know him. We all got together at another friends house for pictures before homecoming, and my son gave his date some flowers, told her she looked nice, and immediately went up to her dad and shook his hand, and introduced himself. Between that, and the interaction with us and his peers, I could sense the relief in her parents.

I don't think it has to be a formal conversation. I think parents need some sense of character to have some comfort. I want to spend some time getting to know their dates before they go out one on one. I always tell my DS16 that he can invite whoever over for dinner, or for game night, or movie night...something so we can casually get to know the person. It also shows my son that we care, and it shows the same to whoever it is that he is dating.

 

[marcyinPA]

So if his religion was different than yours, would you not allow your DD to go out on the date?
Could she not ask them about that herself anyway?
I am totally serious. I find that fascinating.

Not the OP, but I can see how being of different religions can get complicated, especially when relationships become serious. I would never forbid my son from dating someone who is of a different religion than his, but I also know that he is very strong in his faith and it is important to him. In many ways, he is much more committed to his faith than even I am, and I have our adult volunteers at church to thank for that. I don't think that dating someone with a different religion would be a problem for him, but I do think he would not start a relationship with someone with NO beliefs or beliefs that are contradictory to his own. I do trust him to make those kind of judgement calls on his own.

 

[Coconut36]

Yes to the bolded...well not politics but definitely religion. And I know you can't really know a boy from a first meeting but you can tell alot about a boy who has no problem sitting down and having this conversation vs. someone who thinks it is absurd.

I know that trusting your kids is a huge part of it but I also feel it is our job as parents to give them guidance as they move into this part of becoming an adult.

Wow really? You think it's appropriate to quiz a minor about religion? You will go a long way towards making your daughter a pariah and then what happens if he says "I don't go to church" or "I am ____" (insert whatever religion(s) you deem unacceptable or not on par with what you want or have deemed acceptable. Show him the door and not allow them to date? It's a high school date not an engagement..you have no business prying into personal things like religion or politics with high schoolers and using that to deem them acceptable or not (and way to teach your kid intolerance by doing that!).

Rules have a place and a need but as kids hit the older teens you run the risk of rules for the sake of rules causing problems you wouldn't have had without them.

I would have no issue with an introduction "Hi, I'm Johnny and I'm a Jr at Susie's school" and a brief chat but I agree with the pp that speculated on what you think your husband (or you) would gain in a brief conversation before a date and that is putting the cart before the horse for sure to be having some sort of in depth discussion with a 16-18 year old on his religious beliefs, life plans, politics..etc.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Wow really? You think it's appropriate to quiz a minor about religion? You will go a long way towards making your daughter a pariah and then what happens if he says "I don't go to church" or "I am ____" (insert whatever religion(s) you deem unacceptable or not on par with what you want or have deemed acceptable. Show him the door and not allow them to date? It's a high school date not an engagement..you have no business prying into personal things like religion or politics with high schoolers and using that to deem them acceptable or not (and way to teach your kid intolerance by doing that!).

Rules have a place and a need but as kids hit the older teens you run the risk of rules for the sake of rules causing problems you wouldn't have had without them.

I would have no issue with an introduction "Hi, I'm Johnny and I'm a Jr at Susie's school" and a brief chat but I agree with the pp that speculated on what you think your husband (or you) would gain in a brief conversation before a date and that is putting the cart before the horse for sure to be having some sort of in depth discussion with a 16-18 year old on his religious beliefs, life plans, politics..etc.

I don't really think she is saying that she wouldn't allow them to go out on a date if was a different religion or had no church background.

This may not be an engagement, but you can gauge their intenetions after speaking for a short time and it shows respect to the young lady. I hear too much about the things that happen on the bus, I see too many children with STD's and pregnant and wonder what their parents were doing or not doing for this to happen and yes, it happens to good kids too, but maybe if we stop and get involved in children's lives more, it would happen less.

 

[leagirl12]

Having been a teenaged boy -- long, long ago, but not so many decades past that I've forgotten -- having to meet a girl's parents BEFORE I was permitted to ask her on a date would be way over the top. How would you advise the boy to go about all this?

1. Work up the courage to ask the girl out in the first place. That's not always the easiest thing to do.

2. Ask the girl if she'd be willing to consider a date with him. Careful, now, he'd have to explain that he's NOT asking, just asking about asking.

3. Make arrangements to meet the parents. Hmm... just what I always wanted to do when I was a teenager, visit someone else's parents. Jolly!

4. Endure a "conversation" with the girl's father. As a PP said, what is the father going to ask? What are the boy's job prospects? How many children does he plan to have? Has he drafted a prenuptial agreement?

5. If all goes well now a vision of feminine perfection will make her entrance into the room. What an impression our hero, sweaty and nervous, is making now!

6. In front of our heroine's parents, he asks her if she would like to go out with him. Yeah, right. Which of the kids is going to be more miserable at this point?

Besides, what happens if she's decided that she doesn't want to go? How delightful it would be, there in front of smiling parents, for dear daughter to make her appearance barefoot and in raggedy sweat pants, with wet hair, to tell her would-be suitor that she's not interested.

Oh... what happens if dear daughter asks the boy out? Is there a full round of social calls between the kids and the parents? Do the fathers size each other up warily, hands on six-shooters or clubs? Do they negotiate a bride price?

Lighten up! It's just a date. If you've raised your daughter to respect herself, then you need to quit worrying. If you haven't raised her that way, then it's too late to worry.

Just for the record....I never said I was doing this. I said that is how it was in the movie and I liked the idea of it. The boy was expected to come to dinner with the family and get to know them before he could ask the girl on a date. I have raised my daughter to respect herself and do not worry about her but as I said in my OP I am just asking for ideas of how people do things in their home not snippy comments.

 

[leagirl12]

I saw the movie...I loved the movie. It really hit home in many ways, and made me even more convicted.

The dating thing is hard. I have two boys. They are both good boys. Churched boys. Christian boys. Respectful. They stay out of trouble. They are friends with good kids. The thing is that not every parent of every girl they want to date will know this about them. They need to get to know them.

My 16 year old took a girl friend of his to homecoming. Her parents were a little nervous, because although they sort of knew my son, they don't KNOW my son like we know him. We all got together at another friends house for pictures before homecoming, and my son gave his date some flowers, told her she looked nice, and immediately went up to her dad and shook his hand, and introduced himself. Between that, and the interaction with us and his peers, I could sense the relief in her parents.

I don't think it has to be a formal conversation. I think parents need some sense of character to have some comfort. I want to spend some time getting to know their dates before they go out one on one. I always tell my DS16 that he can invite whoever over for dinner, or for game night, or movie night...something so we can casually get to know the person. It also shows my son that we care, and it shows the same to whoever it is that he is dating.

This is how I feel...especially after seeing the movie..it kind of drove home some things for me. Not so much a formal conversation I guess but a time of getting to know a boy before he takes my DD out. And I pray that we are raising our son to want to do the same thing for any girl that he chooses to date.

 

[dansamy]

The three things folks need to know and agree on before marriage: money, religion and children. I think it's reasonable to ask a young man's religious background if he's dating your daughter.

 

[leagirl12]

So if his religion was different than yours, would you not allow your DD to go out on the date?
Could she not ask them about that herself anyway?
I am totally serious. I find that fascinating.

My thoughts are very much like Marcy's below and I hope we are raising our children in a way that they would seek out relationships with people who have the same committments and beliefs that they have.

Not the OP, but I can see how being of different religions can get complicated, especially when relationships become serious. I would never forbid my son from dating someone who is of a different religion than his, but I also know that he is very strong in his faith and it is important to him. In many ways, he is much more committed to his faith than even I am, and I have our adult volunteers at church to thank for that. I don't think that dating someone with a different religion would be a problem for him, but I do think he would not start a relationship with someone with NO beliefs or beliefs that are contradictory to his own. I do trust him to make those kind of judgement calls on his own.