Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[SaraJayne]

I did. I never dated anyone whom I would be unwilling to marry. Dating (IMO) is to find someone to marry. I can have fun with friends (and I had a lot of boy friends) but dating is another issue.

Dating in high school is for fun, not worrying about pressure to get married.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Dating in high school is for fun, not worrying about pressure to get married.

 

[Coconut36]

Considering that I never dated a young man without considering his suitability for marriage, yes. I want my children to consider who they date. If they fall in love with a person who is not a suitable marriage candidate, there's heartache in store. It's better to avoid the possibility by setting some expectations. Of course, they shouldn't expect to marry every person they date, but they shouldn't be dating someone that they wouldn't want to marry.

I have no intention of grilling any of the young men that my daughter may want to date, but she'll have the same rules that *I* set for myself. I'll expect that she goes out with the youth group from church and other similar churches in our area. And I expect our boys to respect the parents of any of the girls they want to date. I expect my children to tell me about who they are dating. I shouldn't need to grill them or their dates.

Wow..I don't understand that mentality at all. How they heck would they know if someone was a person they might want to marry without dating them?

I married my high school sweetheart..the person I met when I was 16. I do NOT consider that the norm in the slightest (even though my parents did the same thing..my Mom was 17). I did not date boys with the intent of marrying them..I didn't date my DH with that intent..however after we started dating and got more serious did the thought or marriage come up. Maybe that is where some of us greatly differ in our beliefs..I do not really want my boys at 16 or 17 thinking about marriage even though it worked out (over 20 years later) wonderfully for their parents that is not what I want. I do not consider dating restricted to potential life partners..most especially in high school. I still struggle with how you know someone is potential spouse material without dating them first and then making the determination.

 

[JenM]

One of the best ways to alienate yourself from your kids is to tell them they shouldn't date or get more serious with a person because of his religion or race.

Exactly - and I think putting those kind of serious restrictions on kids when they just want to go out on a simple date will make a kid more inclined to defy the parents and keep secrets, especially if this is a kid they really like. And that's a more dangerous way to get them into trouble.

If your daughter/son wants to go out with someone who's a good kid, but they're worried this kid won't get through this 'interview' process...they may sneak out with this kid anyway, because they really like him/her enough to defy those rules. I would imagine a parent doesn't want that going on either.

 

[FireDancer]

I'm 33 and don't think about marriage on my first date, people in high school do this?

I can only relate from the teenage boy POV and go by my own experience but some of these rules are a bit over. I met the parents of most the girls I dated seriously but not the ones I just took out once or twice. I don't care what religion someone is now and didn't then. I've gone out with Christians, Jews, Buddhists, atheists, and others that I had no idea what their religion was. If it was going to maybe get serious we'd have to have a talk about religion but it sure as heck doesn't play into the beginning of a relationship AFAIK.

I also did a lot of things with girls that were against their parent's rules. There were a lot of times I went out with a girl who wasn't allowed to date, had a girl in my car that wasn't allowed to be in the car of a boy alone, and just about everything else. I'm pretty sure just about all of the girls I slept with in HS weren't allowed to do that either. The more restrictive the rules the higher the likelihood they would get broken.

My brothers and my only rule growing up was be smart and if we were going to have sex use a condom. My parents weren't under the false impression that they could scare us into not dating or having sex. They just made sure we knew what we should do when we did. Now, they also told us not to take high school dating too seriously because for the most part it is fleeting and they hoped we would get out into the world unattached at such a young age. I am quite grateful for that. Again, this is only my experience but I think it was handled great by my parents. None of us have STDs or kids we didn't plan for.

 

[punkin]

Dating in high school is for fun, not worrying about pressure to get married.

It was fun, but I never dated a single boy who was not IMO at least a possibility of becoming husband material.

Now, I don't think a boy should be grilled by a parent on the first date, but when the question was who thinks about marriage in HS, then I would have to answer that I did. I did not actually get married until I was 23 (rather young, I know) but marriage has always been on my mind.

 

[dngnb8]

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

Simple, I tell my daughters date


She is my baby. I only have one baby and I have no problem going back to jail.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Wow..I don't understand that mentality at all. How they heck would they know if someone was a person they might want to marry without dating them?

I married my high school sweetheart..the person I met when I was 16. I do NOT consider that the norm in the slightest (even though my parents did the same thing..my Mom was 17). I did not date boys with the intent of marrying them..I didn't date my DH with that intent..however after we started dating and got more serious did the thought or marriage come up. Maybe that is where some of us greatly differ in our beliefs..I do not really want my boys at 16 or 17 thinking about marriage even though it worked out (over 20 years later) wonderfully for their parents that is not what I want. I do not consider dating restricted to potential life partners..most especially in high school. I still struggle with how you know someone is potential spouse material without dating them first and then making the determination.

The idea seems to be that being the same religion makes them potential spouse material and being of a different religion means they are not marriage material. I struggle with that, a lot. There are wonderful, respectful, trustworthy people in all religions (and lack of religion) and there are dishonest jerks in all of them as well. If my children were ever passed over for a date because they weren't the "right" religion, I would be thankful they dodged that bullet.

 

[KristaTX]

Dating in high school is for fun, not worrying about pressure to get married.

For you, which is fine. You can't apply your way to everyone, though.

I was engaged when I was a senior in high school to my now-husband after dating for a couple of years. We've now been married for 21 years, and it has been wonderful. I know there are lots of people (including here on the DIS) who did happen to find real, true, long-lasting love while still in high school.

Neither the route you took, nor the route they took, is superior or inferior.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

If it has no relevance to their ability to date why would one talk to the boy about it? I feel that is irrelevant and STDs and pregnancy can't be solved in quizzing a teen boy about his religion, politics and so on prior to a date.

There is being involved and there is being overly involved and setting rules that are going to cause more harm than good.

It might have relevance, depending on the religion. It doesn't necessarily mean anything to me, but may to some.

No, preventing pregnancy and STD's can't be solved by talking to a teen boy before a date, but I do think parents need to be more involved in their teens lives and dating is one aspect.

I'm not really sure a parent can be overly involved. Maybe if we are talking about a child over the age of 18, but we aren't.

 

[Jennasis]

Come on guys...seriously. We can learn a LOT about how to handle teaching our kids about dating from THE MOVIES. Those Hollywood folks are SMART! I think we can all agree the dating world would be a safer place if we'd just listened to Jack Burns...

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Simple, I tell my daughters date


She is my baby. I only have one baby and I have no problem going back to jail.

You know that was exactly the quote I was thinking about.

My grandfather would tell his daughters dates and I quote "The a$$ you save may be your own". It was passed down from my mom to me as well.

 

[dansamy]

I married my high school sweetheart as well. We met when I was 15. (I don't count when he used to tease me on the bus when I was 11!) I mean to say that if you wouldn't marry a person outside your faith, you shouldn't date outside your faith. I didn't do a lot of dating around. I knew what I wanted and I dated 4 guys. After the third guy, who was of a different faith and I knew it wouldn't work out, I went back to my high school sweetheart. We didn't get married until our 20s. We didn't have a child until we'd been married for a year. We've been married 13 years. We've had our ups and downs. Every one does. I made the best decision for me. I want to equip my children to make the best decisions for themselves.

The third guy was a wonderful young man and a good prospect, but I wouldn't change my mind about my religious beliefs and he wouldn't change his mind about his. While we were both of Protestant faiths, there were fundamental doctrinal differences between us and it would have been a constant source of stress in our lives as a couple if we'd tried to make it work.

As a mother, I want to equip my children to make good decisions for themselves. I want them to be able to look, critically, at a date and consider whether or not there is a potential there. If not, it's best to move on before you get your heart all involved.

 

[Coconut36]

It might have relevance, depending on the religion. It doesn't necessarily mean anything to me, but may to some.

No, preventing pregnancy and STD's can't be solved by talking to a teen boy before a date, but I do think parents need to be more involved in their teens lives and dating is one aspect.

I'm not really sure a parent can be overly involved. Maybe if we are talking about a child over the age of 18, but we aren't.

Yeah parents can be overly involved..doing things like saying "a boy must ask my permission for a date" is being overly involved. Saying "hey if you are interested in Susie/Jon bring them over to the house for game night" to get to know them..reasonable involvement. There is a line and yes parents can step over it.

Again..being involved and being overly involved are two different things and one of the fastest ways to make a teen rebel (and yes they can and will) is to set rules for the sake of a rule or make them a social outcast with archaic and sexist rules.

Not sure what religion has to do with STDs and pregnancy...people of all faiths have premarital sex with and without birth control. I am Catholic and my boys are being raised as such but you bet your bippy I will be teaching them about BC and condoms. I would rather they be free of STDs and teen pregnancy than pretend they will never have sex.

 

[DebIreland]

I think it's a GRAND idea. It will give the young man in question an opportunity to inquire about the dowry the young lady he's a' courtin' will come with.

... It's probably best if you just arrange her dates for her, and then the marriage.

Well, I just, in all seriousness, told both of my kids that if any adult ever tried to pry into their personal life like this before allowing them to date the adult's child that they should politely decline to answer and then get out.
Sorry OP but I feel that is completely inappropriate for adults to be doing to teens who are doing something as benign as trying to go to dinner or a movie, etc.

Excellent post.

I didn't consider marriage on the first date I ever went on. I just thought it was cool that he had a Nintendo.

One of the best ways to alienate yourself from your kids is to tell them they shouldn't date or get more serious with a person because of his religion or race.

This is absolutely true.

OP, be careful. The more you try to reign them in the more they'll try to pull away.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Come on guys...seriously. We can learn a LOT about how to handle teaching our kids about dating from THE MOVIES. Those Hollywood folks are SMART! I think we can all agree the dating world would be a safer place if we'd just listened to Jack Burns...

This was not your typical "Hollywood" movie, it was produced by the same church that produced Fire Proof and Facing the Giants by Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga. It was produced with a message more specific to fathers, but touched on many other topics as well.

 

[SaraJayne]

For you, which is fine. You can't apply your way to everyone, though.

I was engaged when I was a senior in high school to my now-husband after dating for a couple of years. We've now been married for 21 years, and it has been wonderful. I know there are lots of people (including here on the DIS) who did happen to find real, true, long-lasting love while still in high school.

Neither the route you took, nor the route they took, is superior or inferior.

I can apply it to my children, though. They are the only ones that matter to me.

I will impress upon both my children high school is for fun, not worrying about potential marriage partners.

 

[mdsoccermom]

Considering that I never dated a young man without considering his suitability for marriage, yes. I want my children to consider who they date. If they fall in love with a person who is not a suitable marriage candidate, there's heartache in store. It's better to avoid the possibility by setting some expectations. Of course, they shouldn't expect to marry every person they date, but they shouldn't be dating someone that they wouldn't want to marry.

I have no intention of grilling any of the young men that my daughter may want to date, but she'll have the same rules that *I* set for myself. I'll expect that she goes out with the youth group from church and other similar churches in our area. And I expect our boys to respect the parents of any of the girls they want to date. I expect my children to tell me about who they are dating. I shouldn't need to grill them or their dates.

And just what would happen if a boy of another religion - Jewish, perhaps - asks her out and she's interested? What then?

 

[marcyinPA]

Yeah parents can be overly involved..doing things like saying "a boy must ask my permission for a date" is being overly involved. Saying "hey if you are interested in Susie/Jon bring them over to the house for game night" to get to know them..reasonable involvement. There is a line and yes parents can step over it.

Again..being involved and being overly involved are two different things and one of the fastest ways to make a teen rebel (and yes they can and will) is to set rules for the sake of a rule or make them a social outcast with archaic and sexist rules.

Not sure what religion has to do with STDs and pregnancy...people of all faiths have premarital sex with and without birth control. I am Catholic and my boys are being raised as such but you bet your bippy I will be teaching them about BC and condoms. I would rather they be free of STDs and teen pregnancy than pretend they will never have sex.

I was raised Catholic, but no longer practice. However, I'm pretty sure that the Catholic denomination is still against the use of birth control. You may not take that part of your Catholic beliefs to heart, but there are still some Catholics who do. And there are many people of many beliefs who do not believe in premarital sex. So yes, religion does play a part in both STDs and pregnancy for many people.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Yeah parents can be overly involved..doing things like saying "a boy must ask my permission for a date" is being overly involved. Saying "hey if you are interested in Susie/Jon bring them over to the house for game night" to get to know them..reasonable involvement. There is a line and yes parents can step over it.

Again..being involved and being overly involved are two different things and one of the fastest ways to make a teen rebel (and yes they can and will) is to set rules for the sake of a rule or make them a social outcast with archaic and sexist rules.

Not sure what religion has to do with STDs and pregnancy...people of all faiths have premarital sex with and without birth control. I am Catholic and my boys are being raised as such but you bet your bippy I will be teaching them about BC and condoms. I would rather they be free of STDs and teen pregnancy than pretend they will never have sex.

I am not saying you or anyone else here is wrong, but this is the way I would handle things if I had children. I don't know that there is a wrong way and a right way, well there is a wrong way IMO, to not be involved at all, that is where what I said about pregnancy and STD's came in. I would also teach my children about BC and the ill effects, but some parents don't.

And, you know I always thought my mom was overprotective and she was to an extent, but now that I am an adult, she was only doing what she did to protect me and help me make better choices in life.

I am Baptist, my husband was Catholic (non practicing), so what, makes no difference to me, he did join my church before we were married, but didn't have to, he just did what he felt he needed to do. I have a friend that converted from Catholic to Baptist so he could marry in his wife's church, I am not sure of the details, because we didn't have to do that.