Bridzilla Disney Style?

[Laura66]

No, I would not attend. Her brother suggested she not attend. Her mother did the same. The bride "invited" her in a way that makes it clear she really doesn't want her there and is only issuing the invitation for the sake of appearance. Why on earth would anyone attend under those circumstances? The bride us destined to find fault with something, so why give her ammo? Just stay away.

I get that - I do.

I guess - I think (I will never know because my brother
died 2 1/2 years ago) I just can't imagine things getting so bad (and over a party) that, even if I was in the wrong or right, that I would not apologize or try to make some sort of peace with my brother (or any other close friend or family) so that I could be there on one of the most significant days of his life.

 

[Brier Rose]

Really? I just can't imagine not attending my brothers wedding over drama over a bachelorette party. You won't even go and sit quietly in the back? That you can't admit at all you might be overreacting or contributed a sliver to this while mess tells me that you enjoy this drama and get som kind of reinforcement from being the matyr. Sil doesn't get a pass on this - but neither do you. Let's face it - you really don't know your sil as well as you claim. I think you enjoy doing these generous things for friends and family - but that you also think everyone should fall over being grateful and impressed - be that because you ar throwing around so much money and creativity and planning you get to control everything. When people throw around money it sometimes makes people uncomfortable. And when she wanted to cancel that one reservation and do something else did she not offer to pay. I think if some posters saw what you have said on different message boards they would see there is a whole other side to you and not be so quick to lay all of the blame on your future sil

Omg, I seriously can't win either way! If I tried to go anyway I'd be the selfish witch that wants my way.

Look, you're gonna believe what you want to believe I can't change that. Does it hurt me not to be at my brothers wedding, yes! But it doesn't hurt me as much as a ruined wedding day would him.

Again, you will believe I did everythinggg I did out of some need to play the hero benefactor. It's just not true. Could I have done something wrong? Yes, I do suppose so, but I don't know what it was and none of them will even bother to tell me.

It's not just my word against hers you know! There were people there besides me who absolutely had the same opinion, perhaps I'm making them up as well?

You mention things I've said elsewhere, I haven't said one thing there I haven't or wouldn't say here, so don't know where you're going with that.

I don't know what kind of person you are or what kind of people you're around that you can't understand somebody doing something for someone else simply out of love. I DID NOT and DO NOT need any other kind of response other than kindness in return.

I am the same amount of disappointed as I would be if I gave one of my kids a Christmas present I thought they would love, but didn't.

When you put thought and effort into something for someone do you not have the hope that they will love it? Is it for any other reason than to see them happy?

 

[Brier Rose]

I get that - I do. I guess - I think (I will never know because my brother died 2 1/2 years ago) I just can't imagine things getting so bad (and over a party) that, even if I was in the wrong or right, that I would not apologize or try to make some sort of peace with my brother (or any other close friend or family) so that I could be there on one of the most significant days of his life.

You cannot apologize to someone who will not even talk to you! Not to mention that I would at least like for SOMEONE to tell me what the heck I'm supposed to be apologizing for.

Did you miss the part where he LIED to my mother about things he said my daughter did? He ADMITTED this...straight up admitted he made it up. Why? Because she didn't DO anything!

Do you have kids? Would you really be ok with a family member admittedly lying to make them look bad?

 

[Laura66]

You cannot apologize to someone who will not even talk to you! Not to mention that I would at least like for SOMEONE to tell me what the heck I'm supposed to be apologizing for.

Did you miss the part where he LIED to my mother about things he said my daughter did? He ADMITTED this...straight up admitted he made it up. Why? Because she didn't DO anything!

Do you have kids? Would you really be ok with a family member admittedly lying to make them look bad?

I do have 3 kids. And many family members who are type A personalities who think they can run the roost. We all have had major disagreements abd have did terrible things on occasion to one another in the heat of the moment. But most of the time we find a way to cone to a truce of some sorts for important events.

You say you know her and you asked and she agreed and said yes. Haven't you or I all tried to be polite or say yes to an offer we really weren't comfortable with? If I'm honest I know I've put people in situations like that - not on purpose - and caved and agreed to sonething I'm not comfortable with because I was out in the spot.

You admit you do this sort if thing all the time - that your husband repeatedly tells you not to bother.

Your future sil was doomed as were you from the get go. How would you really have reacted if you put all this to het and she said - you know what? That's very generous of you but I'm not comfortable with that extravagant or that type of planned party so I'm going to decline. I'm willing to bet we would still have a long thread about how ungrateful my future sil is.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I absolutely positively do NOT plan to attend the wedding. Not out of spite, or even hurt, but because I truly don't want to ruin my brother's day

Really? If you sitting quietly in the back and leaving quietly when it is over and not going to the reception ruins anyone's day well they deserve to have their day ruined.

Did you miss the part where he LIED to my mother about things he said my daughter did? He ADMITTED this...straight up admitted he made it up. Why? Because she didn't DO anything!

Edit: This wasn't stated to me but I did in fact miss that. If things have degenerated to the point where he's lying about you and yours, then he's made his choices. I'd sit down with my brother, see what he has to say about things, and depending upon what he had to say, my decision to attend or whether to have him in my life at all would be dependent upon what he had to say.

 

[Brier Rose]

I do have 3 kids. And many family members who are type A personalities who think they can run the roost. We all have had major disagreements abd have did terrible things on occasion to one another in the heat of the moment. But most of the time we find a way to cone to a truce of some sorts for important events.

You say you know her and you asked and she agreed and said yes. Haven't you or I all tried to be polite or say yes to an offer we really weren't comfortable with? If I'm honest I know I've put people in situations like that - not on purpose - and caved and agreed to sonething I'm not comfortable with because I was out in the spot.

You admit you do this sort if thing all the time - that your husband repeatedly tells you not to bother.


Your future sil was doomed as were you from the get go. How would you really have reacted if you put all this to het and she said - you know what? That's very generous of you but I'm not comfortable with that extravagant or that type of planned party so I'm going to decline. I'm willing to bet we would still have a long thread about how ungrateful my future sil is.

Ummm, I think you're missing the most important part here, and that is that she ASKED for this trip! I did not say, hey, I wanna take you for an all out over the top Disney Bachelorette blowout!

We were talking it over and I asked her what she had in mind for it. No, there was never a question that I wasn't going. Again, we travel together all the time, she spends a lot of time with me, we are/were friends as well as future family members. No it was NOT wedding party only. She only had 2 other Bridesmaids and DD who was MOH. There were 3 other girlfriends there..if only for the day..my sister and myself, all of which were not in the wedding party.

I tried to talk her into going somewhere else more laid back. Specifically something that would require less structure and planning. That was MY idea! SHE is the one who wanted Disney and all that entails.

When we travel we travel extravagantly. We don't overindulge in our day to day, so when we go we go big. So what? She does this herself and she is also used to doing it with us. Don't project things that would make you uncomfortable with things that were too over the top for her.

You say "I" don't really know her, lol, but you don't know her AT ALL. Which one of us do you think is closer to knowing the truth.

The one distinct issue with THIS trip is that this is such odd behavior for her toward others. I've never really seen her act like that to anybody but my brother.

I HAVE seen her be moody, I HAVE seen her be a whiny brat, but it has NEVER been directed at me in such a way..we've never even had ONE argument.

Things she had liked a few months ago, she hated this go round. How in the absolutely hell could I not have been blindsided by that??

You seriously just have no freakin clue the level of rude she achieved on this trip. It embarrassed me, and it embarrassed others around her.

 

[Tozzie]

Really?

I just can't imagine not attending my brothers wedding over drama over a bachelorette party. You won't even go and sit quietly in the back?


That you can't admit at all you might be overreacting or contributed a sliver to this while mess tells me that you enjoy this drama and get som kind of reinforcement from being the matyr.

Sil doesn't get a pass on this - but neither do you. Let's face it - you really don't know your sil as well as you claim. I think you enjoy doing these generous things for friends and family - but that you also think everyone should fall over being grateful and impressed - be that because you ar throwing around so much money and creativity and planning you get to control everything.

When people throw around money it sometimes makes people uncomfortable. And when she wanted to cancel that one reservation and do something else did she not offer to pay.

I think if some posters saw what you have said on different message boards they would see there is a whole other side to you and not be so quick to lay all of the blame on your future sil

Oh Please this is rediculous, I wouldn't attend the wedding either especially if my own mother decided to choose sides and I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for any of them in the future. .

 

[Brier Rose]

Really? If you sitting quietly in the back and leaving quietly when it is over and not going to the reception ruins anyone's day well they deserve to have their day ruined. I'd bet it's more of a case of your brother fearing a dust up rather than a case of not wanting you there.

The way it was put to me by my mother is that if I come, chances are the bride could perceive a look I have on my face wrong and it turn into a "thing". She will think I came just to annoy her and be looking for any reason to throw a hissy fit.

You're right, it's not that my brother just doesn't want me there. She said as much in her oh so polite text...per my brothers request we were still allowed to attend public related wedding events only.

They want to exclude me and my family to keep her happy..so be it.

I know some of you won't believe there isn't some sort of history here. That there is no possible way the level of this ******* didn't come from some preexisting issue.

It didn't. I am straight up confused. At this point I would rather hear she has secretly straight up always hated me. At least that would make sense!

 

[tigercat]

I really do wonder sometimes if people actually read the posts of the OP or just assume things. I guess to some extent everyone has their own view of how their own family is and that is the only view they take.

Growing up with the family I have I can totally see the OP's view. One sister and my Mum took my other sister and her 2 kids to Florida and Disney. They did everything for them that they wanted. Gave them a really nice vacation. Very few things were set and that was with the input of the 2 kids and my sister who were being treated. When they got home I heard about what went wrong and how things were not to her liking. I would have loved to have had that oportunity with my kids. It upset my Mum and it never happened again with anyone else. This sister likes to make herself the victim, always has and always will. Nothing and no one can please her even if you do everything she says at that moment. We all stopped trying.

So even if you don't have a family member like that doesn't mean they don't exist. It is easy to say appologize to someone in your life where they will let you. If they don't let you then you are stuck. If you are told by some family members they don't want you there and it will upset the "victim" then be the better person and don't go. When you have a fairly harmonious family things work a lot better than when you don't. If you don't have that experience than you really have no understanding at all, the only thing you could have is compassion.
tigercat

 

[sunshinehighway]

Oh Please this is rediculous, I wouldn't attend the wedding either especially if my own mother decided to choose sides and I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for any of them in the future. .

Right. It's not like the OP is just thinking of not going out of nowhere. The bride kicked her DD out of the wedding and basically told her she didn't want her there (in a passive aggressive way of course). Her own mother told her not to go.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I really do wonder sometimes if people actually read the posts of the OP or just assume things. I guess to some extent everyone has their own view of how their own family is and that is the only view they take.

Growing up with the family I have I can totally see the OP's view. One sister and my Mum took my other sister and her 2 kids to Florida and Disney. They did everything for them that they wanted. Gave them a really nice vacation. Very few things were set and that was with the input of the 2 kids and my sister who were being treated. When they got home I heard about what went wrong and how things were not to her liking. I would have loved to have had that oportunity with my kids. It upset my Mum and it never happened again with anyone else. This sister likes to make herself the victim, always has and always will. Nothing and no one can please her even if you do everything she says at that moment. We all stopped trying.

So even if you don't have a family member like that doesn't mean they don't exist. It is easy to say appologize to someone in your life where they will let you. If they don't let you then you are stuck. If you are told by some family members they don't want you there and it will upset the "victim" then be the better person and don't go. When you have a fairly harmonious family things work a lot better than when you don't. If you don't have that experience than you really have no understanding at all, the only thing you could have is compassion.
tigercat

Very true. I had a trip with my mom, sister and her children that was a total nightmare due to my sister's behavior. By the end of the trip I blew my lid and told her off.
I'm sure if I came here to vent about the trip, many just wouldn't understand how bad her behavior was just by my posts or that it was all just out of nowhere. I'm sure people would try to come up with senerios to put blame on me because it seems bizarre to think of someone behaving as she did for no reason.
My mother and I were completely on the same page about my sister though so it wasn't just me.

 

[laughinplace199]

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you after all the thought you put into it.

Perhaps you should skip the wedding and do something fun that weekend - like maybe go to WDW with your DH & DD!

 

[LiveYourLife]

Sorry if I missed this in one of the 200+ posts, but are the Bride's parents (especially her Mother) involved? Also, who is paying for the Wedding?

Curious and curiouser

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I did read the whole thread. I think the SIL was inconsiderate and your text was inappropriate.

I would not go to the wedding and I would plan a weekend away with my family. Something low-key and relaxing. Time for you and your daughter to heal and get away. No posting pictures of your getaway and actually I wouldn't even speak of it to anyone.

Hope you can find some closure and get past this whole situation. Family is tough with age differences with children.

 

[Anastasi]

I really do wonder sometimes if people actually read the posts of the OP or just assume things. I guess to some extent everyone has their own view of how their own family is and that is the only view they take.

Growing up with the family I have I can totally see the OP's view. One sister and my Mum took my other sister and her 2 kids to Florida and Disney. They did everything for them that they wanted. Gave them a really nice vacation. Very few things were set and that was with the input of the 2 kids and my sister who were being treated. When they got home I heard about what went wrong and how things were not to her liking. I would have loved to have had that oportunity with my kids. It upset my Mum and it never happened again with anyone else. This sister likes to make herself the victim, always has and always will. Nothing and no one can please her even if you do everything she says at that moment. We all stopped trying.

So even if you don't have a family member like that doesn't mean they don't exist. It is easy to say appologize to someone in your life where they will let you. If they don't let you then you are stuck. If you are told by some family members they don't want you there and it will upset the "victim" then be the better person and don't go. When you have a fairly harmonious family things work a lot better than when you don't. If you don't have that experience than you really have no understanding at all, the only thing you could have is compassion.
tigercat

I think you hit the nail right on the head that everybody sees the OP's posts through glasses colored by their own experiences.

We have a person like the OP that loves to plan. We often travel together in a large family group because we do like to travel with almost everybody. But there are always tense moments when everybody is walking on eggshells around one this one member. She has self-declared herself the family travel agent. Anything that may be perceived as a negative comment on her plans will send her into either a tantrum or a period of passive aggressiveness accusing us of not liking her. Her plans are her definition of her self-worth. If you want to change them, you want to change her.

It is part the family's fault as we all go along, agreeing with her when she asks for our opinions. If we said no, we would rather do something else, she wouldn't listen to our suggestions and would pout and go ahead and do it her way anyway. It is just easier to nod our heads and just plan our own outings ourselves.

But when we do go off and do something on our own that is not to her plan, she becomes defensive and calls us all ungrateful *****es and *******s who are taking advantage of all her hard work and yes, sometimes unwanted spending. Just like the OP has called the bride.

The thing is, we would much rather not have her plan. She has been told this, much like the DH tells the OP, but she is deaf. She just knows we want her to do it, convinces herself that it is our idea and then gets extremely angry when we don't want to do everything she planned.

On vacation, it is pretty common to send the same kind of texts "so, how should we handle Marge because our plans have changed and we won't be able to meet for dinner." The whole family knows what that will mean, a huge meltdown and accusations that we don't appreciate all the hard work she did getting the reservations.

So, to quote you "So even if you don't have a family member like that doesn't mean they don't exist. "

I am seeing it through the eyes of having to deal with a crazy planner while many of you are seeing it through the eyes of having a spoiled family member.

We will never know the real story unless the rest of the family comes on here and tells us why they don't want the OP at the wedding. And then the truth will be somewhere in the middle of the two stories.

 

[EMom]

I think you hit the nail right on the head that everybody sees the OP's posts through glasses colored by their own experiences.

We have a person like the OP that loves to plan. We often travel together in a large family group because we do like to travel with almost everybody. But there are always tense moments when everybody is walking on eggshells around one this one member. She has self-declared herself the family travel agent. Anything that may be perceived as a negative comment on her plans will send her into either a tantrum or a period of passive aggressiveness accusing us of not liking her. Her plans are her definition of her self-worth. If you want to change them, you want to change her.

It is part the family's fault as we all go along, agreeing with her when she asks for our opinions. If we said no, we would rather do something else, she wouldn't listen to our suggestions and would pout and go ahead and do it her way anyway. It is just easier to nod our heads and just plan our own outings ourselves.

But when we do go off and do something on our own that is not to her plan, she becomes defensive and calls us all ungrateful *****es and *******s who are taking advantage of all her hard work and yes, sometimes unwanted spending. Just like the OP has called the bride.

The thing is, we would much rather not have her plan. She has been told this, much like the DH tells the OP, but she is deaf. She just knows we want her to do it, convinces herself that it is our idea and then gets extremely angry when we don't want to do everything she planned.

On vacation, it is pretty common to send the same kind of texts "so, how should we handle Marge because our plans have changed and we won't be able to meet for dinner." The whole family knows what that will mean, a huge meltdown and accusations that we don't appreciate all the hard work she did getting the reservations.

So, to quote you "So even if you don't have a family member like that doesn't mean they don't exist. "

I am seeing it through the eyes of having to deal with a crazy planner while many of you are seeing it through the eyes of having a spoiled family member.

We will never know the real story unless the rest of the family comes on here and tells us why they don't want the OP at the wedding. And then the truth will be somewhere in the middle of the two stories.

If you have a family member like that, you can react in a few different ways.

1. No thank you, we will make our own plans and won't be able to travel with you. That's what I did. DH had a relative that liked to run the show and DH's family was used to this person bulldozing his way over them. I bulldoze right back. After one trip, I saw we would NEVER make good travel mates, so we put a stop to that.

2. Go together and suffer in silence.

3. Stand up to them and deal with the conflict, as unpleasant as that may be.

4. Let them do all the planning, let them pay for everything and them treat them like crap and ditch them after they have paid for you and your friends. Because after all, once they have paid for the trip, it's not that hard to outrun them.

You see, #4 is unacceptable to me. Either stop vacationing with them, shut up and endure it, or tell them what is bugging you. But do not take advantage of their pocketbook, use them and then ditch them like the uncool kid on the playground. That is sleezy and spineless.

 

[Skywalker]

We will never know the real story unless the rest of the family comes on here and tells us why they don't want the OP at the wedding. And then the truth will be somewhere in the middle of the two stories.

I am inclined to think the same.

 

[cleverclovers]

Don't go to the wedding. I imagine bridezilla has already told everyone she knows just how "horrible" you are. Send a card to you brother stating that you will not be attending and your gift to them was the cost (insert cost of trip) and wish him a happy life. Then plan a nice getaway for your immediate family. Let it be known to carefully to other wedding guests that you will be at list location) enjoying yourself - perhaps we'll see you there!

 

[Anastasi]

If you have a family member like that, you can react in a few different ways.

1. No thank you, we will make our own plans and won't be able to travel with you. That's what I did. DH had a relative that liked to run the show and DH's family was used to this person bulldozing his way over them. I bulldoze right back. After one trip, I saw we would NEVER make good travel mates, so we put a stop to that. We are not going to stop vacationing with our group just because there is one psycho family member. All of us are kind enough to allow her to vacation with us.

2. Go together and suffer in silence. Nobody suffers in silence. She is told firmly that we have our own plans and we stick to them. But when she continues like she did not hear us, we just nod our heads and say fine.

3. Stand up to them and deal with the conflict, as unpleasant as that may be.See #2. Some of her plans are great and we do appreciate them and let her know. And we are firm that we also have our own ideas of how we will spend our vacation. We all want some alone time for ourselves and that is when it gets dicey. When the group wants to do individual things, Marge is hurt.

4. Let them do all the planning, let them pay for everything and them treat them like crap and ditch them after they have paid for you and your friends. Because after all, once they have paid for the trip, it's not that hard to outrun them.

You see, #4 is unacceptable to me. Either stop vacationing with them, shut up and endure it, or tell them what is bugging you. But do not take advantage of their pocketbook, use them and then ditch them like the uncool kid on the playground. That is sleezy and spineless.Of course we would never take advantage of our family member and let her pay. As for the OP, again, we are only going on her sayso. The one text that she did share of the bride had the bride offering to reimburse the OP for the missed dining reservations. I would need to know if the bride tried to pay for things herself and was refused before I made a judgement on that. Our relative is notorious for that. She will tell everybody that she is putting the hotel deposits on her credit card just to make it easier for the reservation, with our assumption that we will reimburse her, and then she refuses to take anything because she couldn't be a martyr if she let us pay her back.

My take is that they are both *****es and crazy. However, it does say something when your own mother and everybody else in the family prefers you to stay away from a family wedding. What it says, we don't know. We only have the biased reporting of the OP. It could be that the OP has a huge Drama Queen reputation and they don't want her ruining the wedding or it could say that the rest of the family are uptight *******s, bent on excluding and destroying the OP.

 

[robinb]

Edit: This wasn't stated to me but I did in fact miss that. If things have degenerated to the point where he's lying about you and yours, then he's made his choices. I'd sit down with my brother, see what he has to say about things, and depending upon what he had to say, my decision to attend or whether to have him in my life at all would be dependent upon what he had to say.

I missed that part too. It's one thing to support your fiance. It's quite another to throw your sister under the parental bus with lies to make your bride look better. I agree about Rose talking to her brother *without* the fiance around to find out what's going on in his head.