At What Age Do You Stop Trying to Please Your Parents?

[Wishing on a star]

Totally agree with the above.

I think there needs to be some clarification to the OP's question.

Because, there is a huge difference between loving one's parents, honoring one's parents, respecting one's parents, and 'trying to please', or 'living to please', which is very clearly being controlled by one's parents.

Once I was an adult and on my own, not living in my parent's home... I was on my own.

On the other hand, I know of many many adults, of any age, who are seriously messed up and scarred because of some deep desire or expectation that their parents have to be pleased, and give approval and validation. (there are people who will NEVER be pleased)

 

[LBIJim]

I don't live my life to please my parents but I also don't do anything that would displease them anyway.

Pretty much the same here. When my mom was still alive, I know I did things that displeased her, but I never did them with the INTENTION of displeasing her. I did what was best, or what I thought was best, for me and my family.

On the other hand, until the day he died, DW would often worry about how her father would react to almost anything she did.

 

[LuLuO]

I think I stopped trying to do that at about age 13.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Does anyone else make decisions based on what was/is expected years/decades later?

My grandmother was the most positive influence in my life. I still attempt to honor her by trying to be the grandparent, that she was. I was perfect in her eyes....very, very loved (all the grandkids, not just me). I never wanted to disappoint her. She was a strong woman, who loved her family dearly. I miss her every day.

 

[NotUrsula]

In the case of my schizophrenic mother; not until she was dead except when there was just no avoiding it. Displeasing her was never something anyone did lightly; outright defiance set off her delusions, which were not a pleasant thing.to deal with.

Most people I know, regardless of age, tend to think long and hard before displeasing their parents on major issues; as there is almost always a cost to doing so. It might be a concrete cost, or it might be an emotional one, but most of the time it's still there. Sometimes the cost will be worth paying, but sometimes not.

 

[Allison]

Does anyone else make decisions based on what was/is expected years/decades later?

Nope, never have.

 

[lovemygoofy]

So my answer is yes and no. I'm an only daughter to a special needs mom.

The first thing I did to "defy" my family was marry and move away. I have managed my mom's care from thousands of miles away but still fly home every 3 months or so to check on her and have a face to face visit.
We have turned down overseas assignments because trying to get back here would not be cheap or easy and every year both of our moms have some crazy breakdown that requires us duct taping them back together.

Our salary every month has a line item budget that goes straight to the moms' account because we know they will need money throughout the year. We have large life insurance policies set up like you would for children because if something ever happened to use, we would need our moms taken care of afterwards.

So yes we do think about our moms when making decisions and choices but we also try to live our lives the best we can.

 

[HM]

I'm 52. I still give some thought about what would my parents think when doing some things. I don't let it make decisions for me though.

 

[ronandannette]

Does anyone else make decisions based on what was/is expected years/decades later?

If this is the definition of "pleasing them", then I guess I would have to say that I was always secure in knowing that I didn't need to work for their approval; they were always very lavish with their affection and support. Even during my somewhat mis-spent youth when some of my dumb choices broke their hearts - not for themselves but for the sad consequences they knew I would have to live with.

In maturity, their core values became my core values and pretty much every decision I make is something that does (or did) make them proud. It's not for them necessarily but it certainly is because of them.

As for actually doing things to serve, benefit and "please" them? I became committed to doing that when they began to need it. DH and I focussed on caring for my DDad in the last years of his life and made a lot of our decisions for our family around what would best allow us to do so, even at the expense of our own opportunities. My DMom's life has taken a different path and she is in a locked-down dementia facility at the age of 97 and mostly beyond benefitting from our help. But if there was anything we could do for her we would rush to do it and consider it our privilege.

 

[minkydog]

I stopped trying to please my dad the day I told him I was changing my major to nursing. I was 18 and he told me that I would never be anything, never have anything, and I was the biggest disappointment of his life. As they say, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. I never looked back.

Now, with my mother it was a whole different story. Although my mother has always been very critical of me, I had a great desire to please her. I never understood that she would never be pleased with my decisions because it wasn't about me, it was all about her. But I persisted in trying to please, impress, and make my mother happy with the woman I had become. All it did was fuel her fire to turn me into the person she wished I was and it left me more anxious and depressed.

Then I had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. My mother was not the cause of the breakdown, but through intensive therapy I realized that my constant efforts to make her happy were futile. I realized that many of the decisions I had made over the years were actually efforts to appease my mother, rather than to make my husband or myself happy. I had compromised my marriage and relationships with my own children to please my mother. What a revelation! Although I would not want to revisit that dark time, I am grateful for what I learned about myself and how to draw boundaries with people who try to take over my life.

That was 5 years ago and I couldn't be happier. I love my mom and we have a better relationship now. I try to keep our relationship that of good friends, equals, rather than the more one-sided mother/daughter relationship that it had been. Now, I make decisions and I don't consult with her for her approval. I only give her information about my life that I feel comfortable with her having, knowing that whatever I give her can be turned against me at any time.

I realize that this sounds negative, but I assure you it is not. I finally, at the age of 58, feel like I a grown-up. I have much more control over my life and I'm no longer chasing the hope that THIS TIME, my mother will be proud of me. THIS TIME she will approve of my decision. THIS TIME she won't make me feel guilty or ashamed or stupid. I have gathered myself up and worked through a lot of stuff to get to the good place I'm in today. I love my mother very much and I will do everything to see that she has what she needs, including my attention. But I no longer allow her the kind of puppet-master control over me that she once had.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I realized that my constant efforts to make her happy were futile. I realized that many of the decisions I had made over the years were actually efforts to appease my mother, rather than to make my husband or myself happy. I had compromised my marriage and relationships with my own children to please my mother.

This would be an accurate description of my husband and his relationship/issues with his parents.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I only give her information about my life that I feel comfortable with her having,

Yes, I learned this fairly early on into my marriage, re: my inlaws...
Information is power.
Especially to those who do not recognize normal healthy boundaries.

That is one of the little gems that I have posted on threads on the DIS before.

 

[Andtototoo]

When I was 17.

I had a lightbulb moment when I was 17 and realized that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough for my parents. I realized that if I was elected president, I would not have had enough votes; if I was crowned Miss America with a singing performance that got a standing ovation, they would have come back with a critique that one strand of hair was out of place; that if I got all A+ on my report card, I would have been asked why I didn't take an extra class. At that moment, I realized I was a hamster on a wheel and I had to get off.

At that moment, I stopped trying and stopped worrying about trying to please them. It was the moment I gained control over my own life. Within a short time, my ulcer and other anxiety-caused medical problems went away, I became much happier, and my life improved drastically. It was a moment of achieving freedom. People have often commented to me that I seem free from worrying about what other people think of my choices/actions and that I am very secure in them; I always say I am because my parents taught me the futility and cost of trying to do the impossible -- pleasing other people , the vast majority of whom don't actually care about your happiness or welfare, but want you do what they say/believe because it shores up their own self worth or because they get off on controlling others.

I expect the answer will vary depending upon the family system and the individual. Some people come from lovely families that function well and yet rebel and do everything to spite their parents. Other people come from dysfunctional family systems and spend their lives trying to please their parents and never managing to do it and can't see how futile it is. While other people come from dysfunctional families and say "Screw it" and still others come from lovely families and are adults who please their parents in healthy ways.

 

[nkereina]

I'm 28, engaged, and own a house. I'm an only child and have lived outside my parent's house for 9 years now, in another city about an hour away from them. Regardless, we are very close - I speak to them by phone 2-3 times a day, and we text frequently too. My fiance thinks its nuts - his parents are local and he talks to his mom maybe once a week.

Anyway, my parents don't expect me to please them and I don't overtly make decisions with the intentions of pleasing them. But I do value their opinions. For instance, I leased a car for the first time two years ago and couldn't decide whether to get front wheel drive or all wheel drive. My dad was very much pro-all wheel drive, and that is what I ended up going with. So, I didn't do it to please him necessarily but I trusted what he was saying. I know it's a fine line, but hopefully that makes sense

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I'm 28, engaged, and own a house. I'm an only child and have lived outside my parent's house for 9 years now, in another city about an hour away from them. Regardless, we are very close - I speak to them by phone 2-3 times a day, and we text frequently too. My fiance thinks its nuts - his parents are local and he talks to his mom maybe once a week.

Anyway, my parents don't expect me to please them and I don't overtly make decisions with the intentions of pleasing them. But I do value their opinions. For instance, I leased a car for the first time two years ago and couldn't decide whether to get front wheel drive or all wheel drive. My dad was very much pro-all wheel drive, and that is what I ended up going with. So, I didn't do it to please him necessarily but I trusted what he was saying. I know it's a fine line, but hopefully that makes sense

See, if *I* was your dad, I would have lectured you on the evils of leasing

 

[bookgirl]

Never.

Look I'm not saying that I never make decisions that my parent's don't agree with, because I do. I'm an adult and it's my life.

But if it doesn't cost me anything important then how hard is it to do something that I might not particularly want but would make them happy. So yeah sometimes I do something because I know it'll please them, mostly because sometimes I do something I know it won't please them but it's too important to me not to. I can compromise on the small stuff to soften the big stuff.

Life is too short to do things to spite your family just so you can put your hands on your hips and give them the "you're not the boss of me" face.

That's just so bratty teen.

YMMV but it works for my family and they appreciate when I do things to please them and they let me know it. They also give me an opinion when I make a choice that does not please them, but they still love me and I love them, even when I don't please them or I'm doing something that doesn't please me.

 

[njmom47]

Hmmm...I was always the "good kid" in the house because my brother was the "bad kid" (and really, he was a HANDFUL but being aware of learning disabilities weren't the same as these days, and he eventually was diagnosed). So after I moved out (early 20s) I would say I stopped worrying about pleasing my Mom.

These days, she is very critical of things (mostly things about my kids=the way I raised them ) but I just keep telling her "There's nothing I can do about it." She's definitely part of the "I'm old and can say whatever I want and if I hurt your feelings, oh well" club. I've learned to let it roll off my back.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I speak to them by phone 2-3 times a day, and we text frequently too.

I would, very rhetorically (you don't have to answer), ask... How often to you call and speak to and text your Fiance?

And, I might want to re-evaluate how healthy it is to be so close to anyone, that one would not go a few hours without staying in constant contact.

 

[JanaDee]

I'm 28, engaged, and own a house. I'm an only child and have lived outside my parent's house for 9 years now, in another city about an hour away from them. Regardless, we are very close - I speak to them by phone 2-3 times a day, and we text frequently too. My fiance thinks its nuts - his parents are local and he talks to his mom maybe once a week. Anyway, my parents don't expect me to please them and I don't overtly make decisions with the intentions of pleasing them. But I do value their opinions. For instance, I leased a car for the first time two years ago and couldn't decide whether to get front wheel drive or all wheel drive. My dad was very much pro-all wheel drive, and that is what I ended up going with. So, I didn't do it to please him necessarily but I trusted what he was saying. I know it's a fine line, but hopefully that makes sense

You talk to your parents 2-3 times every single day?

 

[worm761]

I have only ever made decisions or lived up to expectations of my own since moving out at 18. My life, my choices, my consequences.

With that said, my dad lives with me. I also have an adult child that is a high functioning autistic. He can hold a job but if we weren't there to do things like remind him to eat or shower, it would never be done. Anyway, he won't be leaving home any time soon. And DD is only 5.

So, DH and I make decisions based on the above scenario. We know that when we buy a new house we need space for my dad and that he cannot do stairs. We also know that a MIL suite or cottage on the property for DS would be perfect since he could have the freedom of living on his own but still us close enough to watch over.

So in some situations, we think of my Dad and DS. His parents are not factored into our decisions by his choice. I took the wise advice of the Dis ladies that have been married much longer than me and DH deals with his parents and I nod my head unless I feel it would harm DS or DD in any way.