Another family issue

[disykat]

But are they reaching out or just doing what would be expected to keep up appearances?

I agree with this. I guess some people put more value on a halmark card with a signature than I do. I don't see how it could even be construed as reaching out. It seems more like a slap in the face to me. Like "we won't really talk to you, visit your home, or want you in our home in case your brother comes over, but we'll send you a card with a signature on it once a year so we're fullfilling our duty as parents" kind of slap.

 

[disykat]

I never mentioned the cards, yet you quoted me. But I'll respond anyway. The BIL refusing the gifts was hateful, and the OP refusing the cards was hateful. The inlaws returning the gifts may have been hateful, or they may have thought they were doing the right thing. Perhaps they felt weird keeping the wrapped gifts in the closet, but couldn't bring themselves to throw away perfectly good merchandise that could be returned by the OP. They may have thought they were doing the right thing by returning it.

I quoted you as one fo the people who referenced returning gifts. I didn't claim you mentioned the cards. That was the ironic part. The two are very similar.

 

[becpee]

When your ds is an adult and he doesn't like something you do (as trivial as who is invited for a golf game), don't be surprised when he cuts off contact with you. Your actions are modeling how to treat family. He is going to think it's perfectly normal to throw away your cards. He may only be 6 but he's watching the whole situation. Treat DH's parents how you hope ds will treat you.

The end argument was over something trivial, but this was a build up, it wasn't a one off BANG not talking to them anymore, when your parents choose which child to have in the house.
I wouldn't get into an argument between my children and I certainly wouldn't tell one of them they're not welcome over an argument that isn't mine.
And I didn't cut off contact, my DH deals with his family and I deal with mine, he chose to not visit them after that, they knew where we lived.
We don't discuss this in front of my DS, he doesn't need to know the ins and outs right now, he doesn't know about the cards, and my DH doesn't tell him, my DH gives me mine and they are mine to do what I want with, they're in the drawer unopened.
I always treated them with love and respect, but if you hurt my DH it hurts me, I don't like that...

 

[sunshinehighway]

I think what everyone is missing about the whole "golf weekend" is that the OP mentioned that it has always been a family weekend. That's how it has been for months, years whatever in the past and the OP's BIL wanted to change that and then threw a temper tantrum when he didn't get his way and went whining to Mommy and Daddy who took his side. The OP's BIL also had 3 other weekends a month to want to plan a "guy's weekend."

If my parents pulled that crap, I wouldn't want to be around them either unless/until they apologized (and sending cards on birthdays is not apologizing).

I must be missing that because I don't see where the BIL threw a temper tantrum. He wanted a guys weekend, OP's DH wanted a family weekend. Either way, its a weekend. How does that become choose between your wife&child and your brother? How long did this feud go on before the parents got involved? How long were they not talking before the parents asked the OP's DH to work it out with the brother? How long after that did the OP's FIL call and "abuse" the OP's DH because the fight between the brother's was upsetting their mother? Were they telling the BIL to work it out with his brother?

 

[ols386]

I think what everyone is missing about the whole "golf weekend" is that the OP mentioned that it has always been a family weekend. That's how it has been for months, years whatever in the past and the OP's BIL wanted to change that and then threw a temper tantrum when he didn't get his way and went whining to Mommy and Daddy who took his side. The OP's BIL also had 3 other weekends a month to want to plan a "guy's weekend."

If my parents pulled that crap, I wouldn't want to be around them either unless/until they apologized (and sending cards on birthdays is not apologizing).

Bottom line....doesn't sound like the dh wants the situation to be reconciled or resolved. If that's his feeling, nothing will change.

Sending birthday cards may not be the same as an apology, but it could be interpreted as them trying to at least keep in touch, and hoping that maybe the lines of communication might open up.

From what I can tell, the dh is either digging in his heels, or he truly does not want anything to do with his parents/brother. It all sounds rather juvenile, IMO.

 

[becpee]

I agree with this. I guess some people put more value on a halmark card with a signature than I do. I don't see how it could even be construed as reaching out. It seems more like a slap in the face to me. Like "we won't really talk to you, visit your home, or want you in our home in case your brother comes over, but we'll send you a card with a signature on it once a year so we're fullfilling our duty as parents" kind of slap.

This is how my DH takes it, i'm not brainwashed but this is how I also take it.
A card?
Pick up the phone, say I shouldn't have gotten involved, I shouldn't have made a choice, sorry, smooth over, lets catch up for lunch somewhere.
Not a card that says " To ____, Happy birthday, from mum and dad".
It's not the same thing.

 

[Ceila]

When your ds is an adult and he doesn't like something you do (as trivial as who is invited for a golf game), don't be surprised when he cuts off contact with you. Your actions are modeling how to treat family. He is going to think it's perfectly normal to throw away your cards. He may only be 6 but he's watching the whole situation. Treat DH's parents how you hope ds will treat you.

Or, he will learn that his father stood up for him and his mother when his grandparents and uncle tried to make his father choose. And yes, I speak from experience.

My father's mother was hateful to my mother when my parents were engaged and first married. (She would call my mother when my father was on travel for work and harass her, and she even tried to talk my father into leaving my mother when she was pregnant with me. And that's not the worst of it, believe me.) When I was very young, my parents elected to cut off all contact with his parents. Although his father did not directly participate in the hatefulness, he did nothing to stop it or show any support to my parents, so he was cut off as well. What I learned as a child was that my parents would not let anyone treat their family so horribly and get away with it.

While my parents' situation and the OP's are not at all the same, I do believe that the OP and her husband have some ground to stand on. The BIL tried to change a long-standing tradition by cutting out the OP and her son. Instead of her MIL and FIL staying out of it, they not only chose sides but dictated the terms under which he could be at their house. Who does that??

Yes, the in-laws may be reaching out by sending the cards. Should the OP and her DH continue to cut off his family? Honestly, I don't know what I would do in their situation. I'd be really mad at them, but I think I would try to work it out, if nothing else for my children's sake. But depending on what else may have happened in their past dealings with his parents, I can believe that staying away from them may be best for them. It's too hard to judge this kind of thing without knowing the full history.

OP, best of luck, whatever you decide to do, now and in the future.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with this. I guess some people put more value on a halmark card with a signature than I do. I don't see how it could even be construed as reaching out.

I'm not a huge card person but my mother is. In her case it absolutely wouldn't be a stretch to say that her sending a card is an expression of love, because she puts so much love into it. She makes a special trip to the card store for special occasions and spends a lot of time picking out just the right card with just the right saying, etc. She doesn't miss one birthday, holiday or special event for anyone. I think this may be the case for many older people who grew up in a time where writing and sending a card or note was just something they did. In this case a card may very well be a form of olive branch for MIL if cards are a meaningful thing to her (and it sounds like they are) but everyone's going to have their own interpretation of it.

 

[padams]

Or, he will learn that his father stood up for him and his mother when his grandparents and uncle tried to make his father choose. And yes, I speak from experience.

My father's mother was hateful to my mother when my parents were engaged and first married. (She would call my mother when my father was on travel for work and harass her, and she even tried to talk my father into leaving my mother when she was pregnant with me. And that's not the worst of it, believe me.) When I was very young, my parents elected to cut off all contact with his parents. Although his father did not directly participate in the hatefulness, he did nothing to stop it or show any support to my parents, so he was cut off as well. What I learned as a child was that my parents would not let anyone treat their family so horribly and get away with it.

While my parents' situation and the OP's are not at all the same, I do believe that the OP and her husband have some ground to stand on. The BIL tried to change a long-standing tradition by cutting out the OP and her son. Instead of her MIL and FIL staying out of it, they not only chose sides but dictated the terms under which he could be at their house. Who does that??

Yes, the in-laws may be reaching out by sending the cards. Should the OP and her DH continue to cut off his family? Honestly, I don't know what I would do in their situation. I'd be really mad at them, but I think I would try to work it out, if nothing else for my children's sake. But depending on what else may have happened in their past dealings with his parents, I can believe that staying away from them may be best for them. It's too hard to judge this kind of thing without knowing the full history.

OP, best of luck, whatever you decide to do, now and in the future.

Ceila, you may be right. I grew up in a situation very similar to yours. As an adult, however, I've come to a different conclusion. No matter how ugly my DGM may have been to my parents, I should have been given an opportunity to forge a relationship with my relatives. Perhaps I would have walked away as my parents did from them but it was my right to do so. As much as I find my own inlaws annoying, my kids have a right to know their grandparents. Also, I would bet our families' situations involved issues more serious than who goes golfing. If the OP's ILs were abusive or truly toxic, then I'd agreed with the OP.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, while I do see the 'hurt' and therefore the 'blame' etc. in your posts.

I have to say that I very much understand!

My MIL is one to send cards....
No matter what....
It just makes HER feel better - so she can pat herself on the back, without any real effort in the relationship, at all.

My FIL verbally accosted me before I cut off all communication with him.
(Yes, he passed away a year later - NO regrets on my part, at all...)
I can say with 100% confidence that my inlaws have never had any respect or love towards me, at all.

Yet, every single time - yep - here comes that obligatory card from MIL.

My FIL had a child prior to marrying my MIL.
He walked out on that child and never maintained any real contact or relationship whatsoever. Yes, he simply walked out on this child. My husband has a half-sister in her 50's now that he does not know, at all. I hear that, at one point, where one of them lived was just blocks from where one of them worked. They never had any personal relationship, at all. But, Ohhhhh, I imagine that they did send cards. I know that a few times, this daughter sent a Christmas card to FIL (and MIL).

It sounds like there is a long history of emotional hurt between your DH and his parents and the situation with his 'favored' brother.
Bottom line, this is your DH's situation to handle....

I would NOT advise you to push for any reconciliation unless that is what your DH wants!
I am trying to understand how people can be flaming YOU for your husband's situation with his family?????

I would highly suggest that you try to learn to let go of your personal angst over the situation. Because, as others have said, that amount of negative stress and angst is just not going to do any good, at all. It does does not need to be a part of the equation.

PS: Personally, I would not be hanging on to those cards with them in a drawer. I do not still have one single card that my MIL has sent. It is like, "Ohhh, nice, another card... and then not too long later, after a few days for DH's sake (he does have a relationship with his mother, we see her weekly....) It just disappears into the trash.

IMHO, hanging on to all of those cards and all the negative stress and angst that they represent is representative how you, personally, seem to be hanging on to all of this...

Hope this helps!

Just know that I am another one who totally understands what you are facing, and how reconciliation may not be realistic.

I feel that if his parents did want to reconcile, they would, indeed, find a way to communicate with your husband personally... A card, just signed Mom & Dad, simply does NOT signal 'reconciliation'.

 

[S. C.]

DH was told not to be in their house while his brother was there, so you can come but not if he's here...they made the choice for him.
They did come around to see us once after the hoohah, to drop off presents that DH had dropped off for his niece and nephew, slap in the face much?

Maybe they told BIL the same thing sounds like they didn't want any drama in their home.

I haven't read the whole thread and may have missed something here.

 

[becpee]

Ceila, you may be right. I grew up in a situation very similar to yours. As an adult, however, I've come to a different conclusion. No matter how ugly my DGM may have been to my parents, I should have been given an opportunity to forge a relationship with my relatives. Perhaps I would have walked away as my parents did from them but it was my right to do so. As much as I find my own inlaws annoying, my kids have a right to know their grandparents. Also, I would bet our families' situations involved issues more serious than who goes golfing. If the OP's ILs were abusive or truly toxic, then I'd agreed with the OP.

So it's ok to tell my DH to leave me and DS behind on something that we've always gone to where we'll see the same people we see every year? To take his brother, does this not spell out a bigger issue?
Which is where my DH sits, he's telling them he won't put his brother first, he chose to take us and they didn't agree with it...Maybe a little toxic?
The parents think he should have taken his brother, who by the way was still welcome to come but didn't want to go if I was there, and he refused to take his family...
Awww he likes his wife better than me mum...

 

[Mkrop]

So it's ok to tell my DH to leave me and DS behind on something that we've always gone to where we'll see the same people we see every year? To take his brother, does this not spell out a bigger issue?
Which is where my DH sits, he's telling them he won't put his brother first, he chose to take us and they didn't agree with it...Maybe a little toxic?
The parents think he should have taken his brother, who by the way was still welcome to come but didn't want to go if I was there, and he refused to take his family...
Awww he likes his wife better than me mum...

That is messed up. I would hope he would like you DIFFERENTLY than his mother, but could still like his mother nonetheless.

I think the wanting a guys weekend is making a mountain out of a molehill. If a weekend suddenly changed from a family weekend to a guys weekend, I would probably be slightly disappointed but would tell my DH to have a good time.

OP really what advice do you want regarding the letters? Do you want people to tell you to send them back unopened, you could do that, seems passive aggressive. What should happen, is that your DH calls them, asks them to discontinue sending the cards, that the relationship is beyond repair and wish them well. But I dont see that happening....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I TOTALLY agree with your last post!!!!!
I totally understand your feelings and see the same serious issues!!!

But, it is like you are trying to 'make your point'.

It is like you are saying, "but here are the issues, and I am right..."

As I am sure that, in your mind, and emotionally, you want to be able to make that point with your inlaws!

No inlaw should ever, EVER, try to come between a husband and a wife like that. As you said, and I heard you loud and clear... BIL was welcome to spend brotherhood time with your DH any other 51 weekends out of the year. I get it!!!

But, OP, you may never make your point with them.
Even if you were to try, it would probably never, ever, happen.
Just ain't gonna happen.

OP, Your husband, clearly, agrees, to some level, and is on the same side of the page....

Read this very, very, carefully....

Even if you are right, and you KNOW you are right....
There comes a time to just Let It Go...

Your only thing here is to talk it thru with your husband, and let HIM decide how he wants to handle it.

 

[Magic Mom]

I quoted you as one fo the people who referenced returning gifts. I didn't claim you mentioned the cards. That was the ironic part. The two are very similar.

Actually you said the SAME people who think returning cards is bad are ok with returning gifts. Then you quoted me. So it stands to reason you were referencing ME as one of the "same people."

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP really what advice do you want regarding the letters? Do you want people to tell you to send them back unopened, you could do that, seems passive aggressive. What should happen ????

Yes, I think it would really pay off to take a good look at just what are you really looking for here.

It does not seem like a specific situation.

It sounds like more of a big 'vent'.

What are you really looking for as a solution/closure/etc...

 

[Wishing on a star]

I feel like sending the cards back

This is where you are going astray....

So.... They send a card...
That requires NO response.

Why take that as an opportunity to continue the drama and battle.

I do understand how you feel about parents/grandparents who would even utter the words that their son and grandchild aren't welcome in their home.... And I agree with you on that!

But, it sounds like there is a lot here that you really need to learn to let go of.

 

[luvsJack]

So it's ok to tell my DH to leave me and DS behind on something that we've always gone to where we'll see the same people we see every year? To take his brother, does this not spell out a bigger issue?
Which is where my DH sits, he's telling them he won't put his brother first, he chose to take us and they didn't agree with it...Maybe a little toxic?
The parents think he should have taken his brother, who by the way was still welcome to come but didn't want to go if I was there, and he refused to take his family...
Awww he likes his wife better than me mum...

It was a weekend, not like he was asking him to choose his brother over his wife for eternity.

Sounds like everybody made a mountain out of a molehill and seriously need to get over it.

There should be no competition over who a man likes better--his wife or his mother; that's silly. Everyone has the ability to love everyone in their life without having to choose one or the other.

I can't imagine allowing something like this to go on this long. It would break my heart to hear my child say "when I USED to have a grandma and grandpa" and that would be the words that would stop this feud for me.

 

[tar heel]

The fact that you are still after three years harping about the golf weekend makes it pretty clear that you're up to your neck in the feud.

It's beyond me how adults can act this way. One of my greatest fears is that one of my boys will marry someone who keeps score like this. Human beings are fallible. They screw up. They do dumb things. They say thoughtless things. When you love someone, you try to forgive them.

If my boys had a petty feud, which I can't imagine them doing since they've not been raised that way, I probably would "abuse" them by calling them up and trying to get them to make amends. Life is too short to spend it sulking. Relationships are too important to have to "win" when there's a disagreement.

Will you have any regrets when these folks die? Will your DH?

You're raising your child to think this is normal behavior -- I'd give that some thought.

 

[Planogirl]

Why didn't your DH just tell his brother that you and DS were coming, end of story? I don't see why something like this had to get all blown up out of proportion either.