Allowance disagreement with ex

[mckelvey72]

Another point, he could have just said he would buy her a suit but it would stay at his house.

I agree with this. My step-daughter has clothes, bathing suits, snow pants/boots at both houses. She does not have to take anything back and forth.

But as he was picking her up and going halfway in between so he asked her to bring one...we all forget stuff. I have made lists, checked them twice and still forgotten stuff. So I would have just bought the suit or just not gone. Maybe if it happens all the time, made her sit for 10 minutes watching everyone and act like you weren't going to buy it to make them learn a little lesson, then would have gotten her one.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Also I don't think the punishment fits the crime. A 10 year old paying her FATHER back for forgetting her swimsuit?? Doesn't make sense to me.

Now a 10 year old having to pay back $40 (over time with his own allowance money and extra chores) for a window she broke after you told her repeatedly to stop playing ball in the house...ok I can understand.

She's 10. She forgot her swimsuit. She goes between homes. It's a lot to remember for divorced kids.

He should have thought harder and called you. I think making her wake up Saturday at 8 am to swim, after knowing she wanted to sleep in, is a good enough punishment.

He's her dad. Sometimes, as parents, we have to come out of our pockets unexpectedly for our kids. It's part of the territory of being a parent.

He has to deal with it.

Our kids suit up before they leave the house. If they forget their suit, they're naked. So far, so good

 

[havaneselover]

Our kids suit up before they leave the house. If they forget their suit, they're naked. So far, so good

Lol. My kids usually do too. But swim practice is at 630 and my ex or his wife got my dd off the bus at my house at 4 (he lives in another county so kids always come home to my house) then took her to his house to do homework/have dinner.

 

[crisi]

This situation is very complicated as the multiple answers/opinions have shown.

In my situation, my ex-husband always pays support on time. He also pays for DS13 and DS15 health insurance as my work does not offer it and I pay out of pocket.

However, he NEVER pays for anything extra for the boys. Not 1 pair of soccer cleats, shin guards, registration fees, etc. My contribution for the boys is equal to his child support payment x2 (at least).

That's the situation, or something similar, I'm most familiar with from friends - several cases and they all look the same - shared custody, no child support - but she is the one who picks up all the "little extras" that don't turn out to be that little - shoes, school supplies, clothes, allowances, registration fees, school yearbooks. When he has the kids, he feeds them, and might hand them $10 to see a movie with friends. And I'm assuming that something similar is going on here - she is being supportive of her ex trying to start a business - but I'd bet she is the one who picked up the school supplies and took them school shopping.

Even in my marriage, where finances are combined - I'm the one that sacrifices when the kids need something - his days move along with him spending at the same rate as always - completely unaware that $300 in tennis shoes for the kids have meant that I've put off getting my hair cut and all the other incidentals in my life.

 

[havaneselover]

That's the situation, or something similar, I'm most familiar with from friends - several cases and they all look the same - shared custody, no child support - but she is the one who picks up all the "little extras" that don't turn out to be that little - shoes, school supplies, clothes, allowances, registration fees, school yearbooks. When he has the kids, he feeds them, and might hand them $10 to see a movie with friends. And I'm assuming that something similar is going on here - she is being supportive of her ex trying to start a business - but I'd bet she is the one who picked up the school supplies and took them school shopping. Even in my marriage, where finances are combined - I'm the one that sacrifices when the kids need something - his days move along with him spending at the same rate as always - completely unaware that $300 in tennis shoes for the kids have meant that I've put off getting my hair cut and all the other incidentals in my life.

Lol. I just got my first haircut in 11 months

 

[crisi]

Lol. I just got my first haircut in 11 months

I got my first since March today. At Cost Cutters. With a coupon. Well, other than having my mother or 14 year old daughter or myself hack at it. And I splurged and bought a hair color off clearance at Walgreens for $4 - not my color, but it covered the grey....

 

[lovesmurfs]

Okay, I'm looking for objective opinions here.

My dd (10) was picked up by her dad after school and taken to his house about 30 minutes away and then to swimming (halfway between his house and mine). He says he asked her twice if she had everything for swimming before leaving my house. She realized at his house that she didn't have a suit. She asked him to take her home but he said that was too far so he took her to swimming and purchased her a new suit for $40. He also could have texted/called me and asked me to bring a suit to swimming but didn't. She claims he never told her she would have to reimburse him for it.

I got a text about 45 minutes after swimming started telling me that she owed him $40 from the allowance I give her. Am I wrong to think that he can't make that decision? Sometimes with exes there's too much emotion to be rational. But I'm at a loss to see how I'm in the wrong (he's very mad at me and I'm sure he'll find some way to get even).

The bolded strikes me as totally bizarre. A guy would rather take a girl shopping for a swimsuit instead of just going back home to get it? Or asking you to bring it to the pool?

Lesson learned for HIM: Communicate better or be out $40. I understand the "teaching her responsibility" issue, but that would have been better handled by not allowing her to swim.

 

[havaneselover]

The bolded strikes me as totally bizarre. A guy would rather take a girl shopping for a swimsuit instead of just going back home to get it? Or asking you to bring it to the pool? Lesson learned for HIM: Communicate better or be out $40. I understand the "teaching her responsibility" issue, but that would have been better handled by not allowing her to swim.

The swim shop is attached to the pool she swims at. In his defense, because we have no nanny he and his wife have been handling the kids most days after school (they have flexibility) and been doing a lot of driving.

I just wish he would have called me.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmmm, it seems like your main concern is keeping peace and that you fundamentally respect and appreciate your ex & his wife and need their support. If thats the case its I'd say its best to just let him have his way, let it blow over & make sure your ex has a bag of extra everything 'just in case' then leave it at that for the sake of peaceful co-parenting.

You are totally right but sometimes we all need to decide which is more important, being right or being ok. Seems you already know which way to go

 

[Judique]

Yes, the cash comes from me (and there is no child support so it comes straight from my paycheck) and at 10 I still have some say over how allowance is spent. He told me that was controlling but he can give her an allowance or ask her to help around the house.

Hope I can survive another decade of this I know as they get older the problems get bigger.

Actually, some of the problems may get smaller for you. He will have to do a lot more work to maintain a relationship with his kids, and many guys just can't keep it up as the kids get older.

My kids are grown up but I had a 5 year old and a ten year old when I first got divorced.

Their Dad was a great guy and father. Really. And he tried to see them as often as he could, which is what I also wanted. (What happened in my marriage does not negate that.)

But after a while it became much more difficult for him to maintain a close relationship. They lived primarily with me and he had as much visitation as he wanted. It just wasn't always convenient for him. There was the new wife, and all the stuff that goes with that.

So, early teens, daughter no longer wanted to go stay with him. She had other interests with her school and friends. And then her brother followed suit. Not because they don't love him - they just had their own lives to live.

So, from my experience, if they live primarily with you, he should make the most of his time. The kids will soon enough develop their own lives and will still love him and do holidays, but their lives get busy if they are heavily into school activities.

I think if he wants to teach his daughter (you owe him nothing) he had better rethink his strategy. What he will be teaching her is that he is mean spirited, and he won't be offsetting that impression with a lot of tempering moments, because he doesn't enjoy that quality of time with her as a complete family. He will be pushing her away. Discipline yes, but the whole $40? No way - he over did it buying the suit.

Hopefully he will be smart enough to let it go for his own sake.

 

[meajuly5]

I asked about extra chores and he said that wasn't an option. I also said he could have told her she was not going to swimming and would have to swim Saturday morning instead. I agree that kids (even 10 year olds having to make sure they shuttle the right stuff between their mom's and their dad's houses) need to learn to be responsible. But she swears he never gave her options. Just bought her a suit. I think he then got home and his wife may have gotten on his case but I wasn't there.

this. If he wants to be reimbursed ( which I think is reasonable since she was reminded to be sure she had what was needed), he should have her "earn" the money at his house, not take what is essentially your $ as punishment.

 

[meajuly5]

I can sort of see the lesson he's trying to teach. I've done it myself when my kid decided to get in the car without shoes and I had to pick up a pair of flip-flops so we could run our planned errands, or when she left her goggles at home after being reminded three times to make sure everything was in her swim bag before a meet (she uses them at the beach, so them not getting back into the pool bag was a recurring issue). But those were small dollar amounts and I was the only one with the potential to be effected by her spending her allowance/earnings in unexpected ways (ie if something important came up, I'd have been the one she went to for a loan). I think in divorce situations these things necessarily become more complex, and a non-custodial parent shouldn't be imposing financial penalties that a child will have to "make up" on the custodial parent's time. I also think $40 is a very steep lesson for a 10 year old, for whom that is presumably a lot of money, especially when it could have been avoided with a simple text or phone call.

agreed. The responsibility is important but I don't agree with imposing a punishment that the other parent needs to enforce with discussing it as co- parents first.

 

[zoemurr]

I didn't read everything so if this is redundant I am sorry.

What does your daughter think should happen? If $40 won't break you then I would pay him. Have your daughter do some extra chores. I agree that the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. I see where you want to side with DD but kids can sometimes see a situation the way they want to. (Well, we all can.) I think expecting him to call you to bring it is a bit much. I doubt you would have been happy then either. How would you have reacted if he made her miss swimming? Probably upset then too. He was in a no win situation.

Anyway, being a child of divorce, I'm asking you to please just let this one go. I imagine your daughter is now feeling terrible for stirring up trouble and thinks she needs to pick sides. She is 1/2 of him no matter what. Acting like he is bad, or wrong teaches her that she is also. I had parents that fought, put me in the middle, and told me things that I never wanted to know about each other to make themselves feel better. I'm sure it's very hard, but be the bigger person. She will thank you for it later. It's not about how you feel or the $40. It's about preserving her relationship with her father. Obviously I don't know any of the history, but it seems he is visiting with her regularly and getting her where she needs to go. He can't be all bad.

 

[purpledisneyprncess]

My husband has a child with an ex g/f. I can never ever imagine him asking her or his daughter to reimburse him for $40. That wouldn't go over well. Now I know you said you didn't want to go into why he's not currently paying child support & only health insurance but I'd say he has it pretty easy! He shouldn't push it with asking for the $40 back. I understand he's upset she was forgetful and didn't bring a swim suit but kids make mistakes & it was not done on purpose. Has her dad told her he wants the $40 out of her allowance? Or did he just talk to you? The last thing you and her dad should do is undermine each other. Only other option I can say is have your daughter take a small babysitting job to repay her dad. If anything, that will teach her to be more responsible & reiterate consequences.

 

[mjkacmom]

People are saying the punishment doesn't fit the crime, and he shouldn't have asked the OP to get involved. The punishment has already been stated to the OP'S dd - telling her she doesn't have to give dad the money undermines the dad.

Dad had to get the OP involved because the money is in a bank account. It is not the OP's money - some of it was, but she gave it to her dd. and according to the OP, there is also birthday money in there.

It sounds like the dad has to make this trip every weekday? I don't blame him for not wanting to drive back to get the suit. I schlep my kids a lot, and it's very annoying when they forget stuff - especially if I ask them to make sure they have everything.

I just can't advocate one parent telling a child they don't have to fulfill consequences the other parent imposes.

 

[MrsPete]

So Dad asked daughter if she had her stuff.
She promised she did -- but she didn't.

In raising children, the right answer is almost always NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
In this case, having neglected to pack all her gear, the natural consequence should have been that Daughter didn't swim that day. This was swim team practice? Her coach might've told her that she couldn't participate in the next meet, might've made her run, or whatever. If her mistake hurt the team (i.e., if she's part of a relay team), the consequence might've been that her friends were angry with her. That should have been HER RESPONSIBILITY. Dad should not have "saved her" from her mistake. He should've allowed her to learn from it.

Thing is, the same NATURAL CONSEQUENCES works for Dad too. He bought a new (and rather expensive) swimsuit for Daughter rather than let her miss an activity on his watch. Now the natural consequence of his choice is that Dad is out $40.

If Dad chooses to push the issue with Daughter, let that be his choice. Your best course of action is to do NOTHING. She made the mistake, and he made the choice. You were not involved. Do not involve yourself. If your ex-husband pushes it, say honestly, "I wasn't involved in this situation. You two need to work it out." You are not undermining Dad's discipline, nor are you telling the child she essentially doesn't have to do what Dad says; rather, you are staying out of an issue that occurred between the two of them.

Another NATURAL CONSEQUENCE might be that she needs to spend more time packing her swim bag. Perhaps make up a checklist and have her give up a few minutes of free time the evening before a practice, then show it to you so everyone knows that this problem won't repeat itself.

 

[sunshinehighway]

So Dad asked daughter if she had her stuff.
She promised she did -- but she didn't.

In raising children, the right answer is almost always NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
In this case, having neglected to pack all her gear, the natural consequence should have been that Daughter didn't swim that day. This was swim team practice? Her coach might've told her that she couldn't participate in the next meet, might've made her run, or whatever. If her mistake hurt the team (i.e., if she's part of a relay team), the consequence might've been that her friends were angry with her. That should have been HER RESPONSIBILITY. Dad should not have "saved her" from her mistake. He should've allowed her to learn from it.

Thing is, the same NATURAL CONSEQUENCES works for Dad too. He bought a new (and rather expensive) swimsuit for Daughter rather than let her miss an activity on his watch. Now the natural consequence of his choice is that Dad is out $40.

If Dad chooses to push the issue with Daughter, let that be his choice. Your best course of action is to do NOTHING. She made the mistake, and he made the choice. You were not involved. Do not involve yourself. If your ex-husband pushes it, say honestly, "I wasn't involved in this situation. You two need to work it out." You are not undermining Dad's discipline, nor are you telling the child she essentially doesn't have to do what Dad says; rather, you are staying out of an issue that occurred between the two of them.

Another NATURAL CONSEQUENCE might be that she needs to spend more time packing her swim bag. Perhaps make up a checklist and have her give up a few minutes of free time the evening before a practice, then show it to you so everyone knows that this problem won't repeat itself.

I'd agree with you about mom staying totally out of it except for the fact that she is the one that has totally control over her daughter's money. It's something for dad and daughter to work out but they can't do that unless mom gives the daughter her $40. If she refuses to give the daughter her money, then she is stepping in and undermining the dad.
I also don't understand the people saying it's the Op's money. She controls it but it's money she gives the daughter. Once she does that, it's the daughter's money. I doubt anyone here would say the money in their bank accounts is really their company's money and not theirs.

 

[2Kds2K9]

I don't think the dad has the right to spend money and then require to be reimbursed from either the mom or the child. As I understand it, the dad took it upon himself to purchase the swimsuit. No other option was discussed with the mom. I would be furious if someone decided to spend my money without my consent. And this is a 10 yo child who is being put into a very complicated situation.

 

[hereyago]

The dad told the dd to take all her suits back to OP house the week before, that alone makes him have to take a hit on the money.

From this point on, either she is able to keep stuff there for stuff to come up or he gets to buy things for her to be able to do, no indian giving, no changing rules because of new wife.

My exs fiancee wanted me to buy dress and shoes for my dd to be part of the wedding, didnt even let dd know. Um no, i dont ask to get money for if i take her on vacation, etc.

 

[MrsPete]

I'd agree with you about mom staying totally out of it except for the fact that she is the one that has totally control over her daughter's money. It's something for dad and daughter to work out but they can't do that unless mom gives the daughter her $40. If she refuses to give the daughter her money, then she is stepping in and undermining the dad.
I also don't understand the people saying it's the Op's money. She controls it but it's money she gives the daughter. Once she does that, it's the daughter's money. I doubt anyone here would say the money in their bank accounts is really their company's money and not theirs.

Don't you see the contradiction here in your post?

The OP gives the money to the daughter.
At that point it becomes the daughter's money.
The situation is between the Dad and Daughter -- and IF she pays it, she's paying out of money that used to be Mom's but is NOW Daughter's.