Allowance disagreement with ex

[TravelMommy]

then paying the $40 is his prerogative. Kids are kids, they occasionally forget stuff. I am confused, do you know why they sent the extra suits home??? Anyone who wants their child to be prepared for their activities would have kept a suit or two at their house???no? (heck, we always have extra equipment in the car, just in case) I think you are absolutely right with your take on the situation. Best of luck with the situation.

 

[Colleen27]

Really $40 is not worth all the drama. The child will learn a lesson about not forgetting items.

The thing is, we don't know if it is a big deal. It doesn't sound like it to us because for us $40 is a tank of gas or dinner for two, but to a child that's a lot of money. When my kids were 10 that was 4-8 weeks' income for them depending on what extra chores they did. That is a big deal punishment for a minor/normal kid mistake.

Also, we don't know what the DD is expected to pay for out of her allowance. My DD, for example, is a 4Her and pays for her animals' upkeep out of her own funds. There's no way I'd let an ex demand reimbursement for his unnecessary purchase, knowing that it would just be shifting the burden of expenses that are her responsibility and for which she budgets onto me.

 

[NinaBella]

Except she provides the allowance. She doesn't have to provide the allowance. So it IS her money - and at that age, she has the right to control what her daughter spends on - if she doesn't want it to go to candy - or replacement swimsuits - that's is her business. Cash at that age only comes from two places - parents in the form of allowance and gifts from usually grandparents.

If Dad wants to move to financial punishments, DAD needs to provide the capital to implement that form of discipline.

When my son was young he accidentally broke the neighbors backboard. He didn't have money to pay for it since his allowance was small - so we did (like Dad paid for the swimsuit) and then he did odd jobs for us and the neighbors until we felt it "paid off."

You're making assumption that dad does or does not contribute to the allowance already. That is why I said without knowing more details. He may be contributing already. The dad also has equal rights and say (unless we know more otherwise) on how his child spends her allowance just as the mom does. Don't make assumptions of situations.

 

[havaneselover]

Except she provides the allowance. She doesn't have to provide the allowance. So it IS her money - and at that age, she has the right to control what her daughter spends on - if she doesn't want it to go to candy - or replacement swimsuits - that's is her business. Cash at that age only comes from two places - parents in the form of allowance and gifts from usually grandparents. If Dad wants to move to financial punishments, DAD needs to provide the capital to implement that form of discipline. When my son was young he accidentally broke the neighbors backboard. He didn't have money to pay for it since his allowance was small - so we did (like Dad paid for the swimsuit) and then he did odd jobs for us and the neighbors until we felt it "paid off."

Yes, the cash comes from me (and there is no child support so it comes straight from my paycheck) and at 10 I still have some say over how allowance is spent. He told me that was controlling but he can give her an allowance or ask her to help around the house.

Hope I can survive another decade of this I know as they get older the problems get bigger.

 

[NinaBella]

The thing is, we don't know if it is a big deal. It doesn't sound like it to us because for us $40 is a tank of gas or dinner for two, but to a child that's a lot of money. When my kids were 10 that was 4-8 weeks' income for them depending on what extra chores they did. That is a big deal punishment for a minor/normal kid mistake.

Also, we don't know what the DD is expected to pay for out of her allowance. My DD, for example, is a 4Her and pays for her animals' upkeep out of her own funds. There's no way I'd let an ex demand reimbursement for his unnecessary purchase, knowing that it would just be shifting the burden of expenses that are her responsibility and for which she budgets onto me.

You are correct, there is a lot we don't know about this family situation. But with the very little details, who is to say that one parent has more say on discipline than the other and can retract a punishment? All we can go on is that both the mom and the dad are parents to the same child and should treat each other with respect on their parental decisions.

Personally this situation would be easy for me to resolve. I would give the guy his $40 and then I would decide how much allowance to give my child afterwards. I think her paying at least half would be reasonable since it should have been BOTH parents ensuring the child was packed correctly for the days activities. The mom could have checked the child's bag BEFORE she left (even before school or the night before) for that matter. So BOTH parents can suck up the cost of the new swimsuit.


And on another note, it's not like when the girl came out her house and got in her dad's car that dad is going to inspect her suitcase to ensure she has everything. He asked several times, he trusted and took her word for it, and got burned. I am sure the girl would not appreciate a bag inspection at every pick-up in the driveway of her home.

We also don't know how many times this child has forgotten an item and it has had to be replaced. This may not have been the first time and perhaps the dad is getting tired of the extra expenses as well. Tons of assumptions can be made. The parents live close by, sounds like a 50/50 custody arrangement to me, who knows what the financial arrangements are, we can only guess.

 

[Colleen27]

I was under the impression that the $40 swimsuit was purchased right at swim practice, hence the high cost.

I would agree that you have to give kids some slack about forgetting things once in a while, but he reminded her more than once to make sure that she had what she needed before leaving the OP's house. There should be consequences.

Absolutely there should be consequences, but they should be consequences imposed by him on his own time - extra chores around his home or help with odd jobs to work off the cost, for example. But it sounds like he doesn't want to be the "bad guy". He solved the problem, now he's leaving it to Mom to enforce the consequences.

Discipline in divorce situations isn't the same as in an intact household, and it works better for everyone involved if the parent who assigns the punishment is the parent that enforces the punishment... Not imposing financial penalties that the other parent will end up paying or grounding a kid on the other parent's time or otherwise avoiding having to carry out the punishment you felt was needed.

 

[Hisgirl]

I haven't read all the responses but I'm old school. If my children didn't have a suit, after saying they did, then when it came time to swim, we wouldn't have gone swimming. We called that consequences. No anger. No reason to at all. but next time, they would remember to bring the suit.

If my children's father chose, on his own reasoning, to purchase something, then he is out the cash. Period. If he is trying to teach a lesson in responsibility by making her pay for it, then I would suggest she work it off by doing some chores at his house. And yes, divorce can be the pits.

 

[havaneselover]

You are correct, there is a lot we don't know about this family situation. But with the very little details, who is to say that one parent has more say on discipline than the other and can retract a punishment? All we can go on is that both the mom and the dad are parents to the same child and should treat each other with respect on their parental decisions. Personally this situation would be easy for me to resolve. I would give the guy his $40 and then I would decide how much allowance to give my child afterwards. I think her paying at least half would be reasonable since it should have been BOTH parents ensuring the child was packed correctly for the days activities. The mom could have checked the child's bag BEFORE she left (even before school or the night before) for that matter. So BOTH parents can suck up the cost of the new swimsuit. And on another note, it's not like when the girl came out her house and got in her dad's car that dad is going to inspect her suitcase to ensure she has everything. He asked several times, he trusted and took her word for it, and got burned. I am sure the girl would not appreciate a bag inspection at every pick-up in the driveway of her home.

We don't have child care after school right now. Dd usually goes straight from my house to swimming as I have physical custody. But right now everyone is making the best of a stressful situation.

Discipline is tricky post divorce. If I take tv away from my kids I can talk to their dad and ask that he respect that and not allow him to watch tv at his house, but I can't tell him what to do. The issue I have is there were many other options including calling me to meet him there with a suit and my daughter swears she was never told she would have to pay for the suit. I believe that decision was made when he got home and his wife got upset.

Their allowance is used to cover things most other parents probably pay for (half of her Girl Scout camping trip for example) so they have some skin in the game. It's not really play money.

 

[NinaBella]

My daughter cheers. Missing a cheer practice is not an option. If she shows up in the wrong practice clothes the gym will give her new clothes and charge my account $40 for a new set. There are repercussions for missing a practice on a competitive team. You can't just punish the child by sitting them out from practice as that effects the entire team. If my daughter is missing, her stunt group can not practice. My neighbor's girl is on a swim team, I would expect if she missed a practice they could decide to sit her out from a swim meet and still expect the parents to pay. If this is the case with this girl, the dad tried to do the right thing buy purchasing a replacement suit and ensuring she made her practice on time. It seems more people are aiming to stick it to the dad instead of trying to see that he was trying to make a good decision for his daughter. Swimming for fun and swimming on a team is not the same thing.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Frankly, this should be between your ex and your daughter. He shouldn't be asking for your involvement.

 

[sunshinehighway]

You are undermining his discipline of his daughter. You might not agree with his punishment but you shoul let the punishment stand and discuss future punishments with him privately.
She might says he didn't tell her about the $40 but that doesn't mean he didn't. Kids can have selective hearing.
Also, maybe calling you to bring the suit wasn't really the simple solution. By the time you got the suit and brought it there, she would've missed at least 20 minutes of practice. That's assuming you were home and ran right out with it. Would you have given him a hard time about it? Maybe he felt it was just easier to buy the suit.
If you tell him she doesn't have to pay, you are letting her know you are the boss and her father has less authority than you. It's not a good message, especially heading towards teen years.

Perhaps, you should help her in the future by packing her swim stuff with her in the future or at least checking the bag when she is done.

 

[havaneselover]

My daughter cheers. Missing a cheer practice is not an option. If she shows up in the wrong practice clothes the gym will give her new clothes and charge my account $40 for a new set. There are repercussions for missing a practice on a competitive team. You can't just punish the child by sitting them out from practice as that effects the entire team. If my daughter is missing, her stunt group can not practice. My neighbor's girl is on a swim team, I would expect if she missed a practice they could decide to sit her out from a swim meet and still expect the parents to pay. If this is the case with this girl, the dad tried to do the right thing buy purchasing a replacement suit and ensuring she made her practice on time. It seems more people are aiming to stick it to the dad instead of trying to see that he was trying to make a good decision for his daughter. Swimming for fun and swimming on a team is not the same thing.

Dd has to attend 3-4 practices/week and there are six options. If he had called me I would have told him she could skip practice and swim Saturday morning at 8. She wanted to sleep in on Saturday (because she is swimming tonight) so this would have taught her a lesson.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Absolutely there should be consequences, but they should be consequences imposed by him on his own time - extra chores around his home or help with odd jobs to work off the cost, for example. But it sounds like he doesn't want to be the "bad guy". He solved the problem, now he's leaving it to Mom to enforce the consequences.

Discipline in divorce situations isn't the same as in an intact household, and it works better for everyone involved if the parent who assigns the punishment is the parent that enforces the punishment... Not imposing financial penalties that the other parent will end up paying or grounding a kid on the other parent's time or otherwise avoiding having to carry out the punishment you felt was needed.

I agree. This should be between him and his DD on his own time.

The only time XH and I come together to discipline the kids is if it's something major. The only one right now has been bad grades and my DS14 with his smart mouth at times. At that time we discuss what we will do at both homes.

It's a lot for kids to remember everything when they are going back and forth between homes in a divorce. Because of that XH and I do cut them slack. Well mostly him. They have everything they need at my home. He doesn't feel the need to have a set of most things at his home so if they forget he has to come out his pocket and take care of it. Sometimes he gets angry and complains to me and I just tell him "well you should have this stuff at your house already. Your kids aren't visitors. They are your kids." Then he stops with the huffing and puffing and keeps the new things at his home for them. This is how they've accumulated their own underwear, socks, bathing suits, toothbrushes, clothes and other things at his home.

XH and I have a different relationship I think. We can talk to eachother like this and and we get over it the next day. The beauty of divorce. I don't have to deal with you after I give you a piece of my mind.

 

[JanaDee]

Maybe. Maybe not. If this is a swim team it probably had to be a swim team style suit, not a justice or walmart bikini.



Here is my take. The dad is not asking anything from the ex-wife. He is asking his daughter to reimburse him for her mistake. I have to take the dad's side on this one. He knows she gets an allowance and his decision to discipline her is for her to repay him. I think the mom getting involved is undermining the dad's authority to discipline.

Example: If my child broke a vase in my home I may say they have to pay me to replace it as punishment. If my child broke a vase in their father's home and he says they have to pay to replace it as punishment, but I as the mom say too bad, so sad, the child does not have to pay... I am undermining his authority as a parent.

The allowance belongs to the child, not the mom. Both parents are involved here and the child needs to learn she has to follow the discipline of both.

I wouldn't dare say the dad needs to also give a separate allowance unless I knew the full details of the child support agreement, custody arrangements, etc.

Really $40 is not worth all the drama. The child will learn a lesson about not forgetting items. I hope the child does not learn the lesson of how to play mom and dad against each other and have them argue over little things like this.

Once the parent states the punishment, the parent should not have to retract it or else the child learns the wrong lesson. If I was the mom and upset over the situation I would speak with the dad and say I will support him this one time, but in the future if he could speak with me next time, I could save them hassle and money and bring the item to them.

Are you married to a man with kids and an ex-wife, by any chance?

The mother has nothing to do with this situation and no, the mom doesn't need to support him in any discipline. They're divorced and from what she has said, for good reason.

The mother (OP) is not "getting involved". The ex involved her by telling her what she was going to do with the money SHE gives to the daughter. That is none of his business what the OP does with HER money.

He's her father, he can buy her a swimsuit for Gods sake.

 

[sunnyday123]

Just want to thank everyone for their opinions/advice/perspective. It definitely helped a lot.

I told him no and was told I was controlling and interfering with his discipline. I'm just going to leave it alone at this point.

It has made me realize that I'm not going to let the kids know how much is in their savings accounts (birthday money) or he'll have a lot more things they have to reimburse him for.

YOUR controlling??? You're not interfering with his discipline at all-he isn't doing any. He wants YOU bascially to pay for the suit. She's 10 for the love of GOD, kids forget stuff. Why anyone would punish a kid for forgetting something is beyond me. KIDS DO THAT, and you pick your battles.

And I believe he is to have clothing and such available for her at his house. You weren't taking her swimming. She has two homes, she shouldn't have to schlepp things back and forth.

 

[sunnyday123]

You are undermining his discipline of his daughter. You might not agree with his punishment but you shoul let the punishment stand and discuss future punishments with him privately.
She might says he didn't tell her about the $40 but that doesn't mean he didn't. Kids can have selective hearing.
Also, maybe calling you to bring the suit wasn't really the simple solution. By the time you got the suit and brought it there, she would've missed at least 20 minutes of practice. That's assuming you were home and ran right out with it. Would you have given him a hard time about it? Maybe he felt it was just easier to buy the suit.
If you tell him she doesn't have to pay, you are letting her know you are the boss and her father has less authority than you. It's not a good message, especially heading towards teen years.

Perhaps, you should help her in the future by packing her swim stuff with her in the future or at least checking the bag when she is done.

Absolutely not. He has the right to discipline at his house, his way, but in no way, shape or form can he impose his discipline on the Mothers home. Now, if they're effectively co-parenting and on the same page, awesome. But clearly they're not. He wants her to pay for the suit from money at the Mom's house? No.

First, you should'nt make your 10 year old reimburse you for buying them clothing. Second, do it from money she has at YOUR house.

 

[JanaDee]

You are undermining his discipline of his daughter. You might not agree with his punishment but you shoul let the punishment stand and discuss future punishments with him privately.
She might says he didn't tell her about the $40 but that doesn't mean he didn't. Kids can have selective hearing.
Also, maybe calling you to bring the suit wasn't really the simple solution. By the time you got the suit and brought it there, she would've missed at least 20 minutes of practice. That's assuming you were home and ran right out with it. Would you have given him a hard time about it? Maybe he felt it was just easier to buy the suit.
If you tell him she doesn't have to pay, you are letting her know you are the boss and her father has less authority than you. It's not a good message, especially heading towards teen years.

Perhaps, you should help her in the future by packing her swim stuff with her in the future or at least checking the bag when she is done.

Or perhaps since he doesn't pay any child support, he can buy his DAUGHTER a swimsuit.

Good grief, in what universe do parents make their 10 year old kid pay them back for a piece of clothing? Especially since you just made that child take multiples of that particular piece of clothing out of your own home for who knows why?

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Also I don't think the punishment fits the crime. A 10 year old paying her FATHER back for forgetting her swimsuit?? Doesn't make sense to me.

Now a 10 year old having to pay back $40 (over time with his own allowance money and extra chores) for a window she broke after you told her repeatedly to stop playing ball in the house...ok I can understand.

She's 10. She forgot her swimsuit. She goes between homes. It's a lot to remember for divorced kids.

He should have thought harder and called you. I think making her wake up Saturday at 8 am to swim, after knowing she wanted to sleep in, is a good enough punishment.

He's her dad. Sometimes, as parents, we have to come out of our pockets unexpectedly for our kids. It's part of the territory of being a parent.

He has to deal with it.

 

[mjkacmom]

He is her parent. Even if you don't agree with the punishment, I don't think you can over-ride it. What if you punished her, saying no screen time, and he didn't agree, and let her watch tv or play on the computer at his house? I think it's even more important to respect each other's parenting in a divorce situation. I don't think I'd ever tell my kids they didn't have to listen to their father (unless it would harm them).

 

[sunshinehighway]

Or perhaps since he doesn't pay any child support, he can buy his DAUGHTER a swimsuit.

Good grief, in what universe do parents make their 10 year old kid pay them back for a piece of clothing? Especially since you just made that child take multiples of that particular piece of clothing out of your own home for who knows why?

Why assume he's just a deadbeat and his evil new wife doesn't want him buying the kid a suit?
If he's not paying any child support there could be a very logical reason for it. If he's supposed to pay support and doesn't, that's up to the mom to deal with.
It seems to me the problem is more that the daughter said she wasn't told she had to pay him back. That's too much of a he said she said to open a can of worms over.
It actually makes sense that she did agree to pay for it since she didn't want to go to Saturday practice. Like I said before, kids can have selective hearing.
Making the kids pay back $40 does seem like a lot but we don't know the history here. Kids are forgetful. Perhaps she always forgetting things and he's trying to reach her to be more responsible. At that age it's important for kids to start learning to be more responsible. It's also important to teach them they need to stick by the agreements they make.

It seems much more likely that she was told she had to pay him back (especially considering she didn't want to go Saturday instead) than he's just lying.