Allowance disagreement with ex

[Mrs. Bradbury]

Frankly, this should be between your ex and your daughter. He shouldn't be asking for your involvement.

I haven't read all the responses, but I agree with this.

And I agree with the OP, divorce sucks!

I have been divorced twice, with children involved both times. This is not something I'm proud of but I've made my peace with it. My oldest is 27 and my youngest is 16, so let's just say I'm a sadder but wiser girl in dealing with exes and children.

This isn't a stranger, it's her father. By not stepping into the situation, your daughter is getting to see what kind of a person her father is, whether that means he's petty, or whether he's allowing himself to be controlled by his new spouse, or whether he enjoys upsetting you. Or any number of other behaviors, good or bad.

 

[JanaDee]

He is her parent. Even if you don't agree with the punishment, I don't think you can over-ride it. What if you punished her, saying no screen time, and he didn't agree, and let her watch tv or play on the computer at his house? I think it's even more important to respect each other's parenting in a divorce situation. I don't think I'd ever tell my kids they didn't have to listen to their father (unless it would harm them).

The dad isn't giving the daughter any punishment. He is making the OP deal with the punishment he deemed appropriate.

Parents buy their kids swimsuits. It's called being a parent. Maybe next time he'll make sure (as her parent) he has the appropriate clothing at his own home, which oops, he just made her take home.

Now who's more irresponsible, the 10 year old kid or the adult parent that knows his daughter swims regularly but made her remove all suits from his house?

 

[havaneselover]

Why assume he's just a deadbeat and his evil new wife doesn't want him buying the kid a suit? If he's not paying any child support there could be a very logical reason for it. If he's supposed to pay support and doesn't, that's up to the mom to deal with. It seems to me the problem is more that the daughter said she wasn't told she had to pay him back. That's too much of a he said she said to open a can of worms over. It actually makes sense that she did agree to pay for it since she didn't want to go to Saturday practice. Like I said before, kids can have selective hearing. Making the kids pay back $40 does seem like a lot but we don't know the history here. Kids are forgetful. Perhaps she always forgetting things and he's trying to reach her to be more responsible. At that age it's important for kids to start learning to be more responsible. It's also important to teach them they need to stick by the agreements they make. It seems much more likely that she was told she had to pay him back (especially considering she didn't want to go Saturday instead) than he's just lying.

She was never told she had options so she wasn't worried about Saturday morning swim as punishment for forgetting. That's what I would have suggested if he called me to explain the situation but first I would have offered to drive 12 minutes and meet him with a suit because I had time.

The support issue is way too complex to explain but he isn't a deadbeat. He pays for health insurance. His financial situation is messy and he is trying to get a company off the ground. It makes my life harder than it should me IMO but I really can't do much beyond hoping he succeeds.

I absolutely have no idea who's telling the truth.

 

[Marionnette]

The dad isn't giving the daughter any punishment. He is making the OP deal with the punishment he deemed appropriate.

Parents buy their kids swimsuits. It's called being a parent. Maybe next time he'll make sure (as her parent) he has the appropriate clothing at his own home, which oops, he just made her take home.

Now who's more irresponsible, the 10 year old kid or the adult parent that knows his daughter swims regularly but made her remove all suits from his house?

You don't know why the suits were sent back to her mother's place.

• It could have been because (prior to the time change for practice) Dad was not involved in transporting daughter to practice.
• It could be because the suits no longer fit the child (hey, 10 years girls grow quickly!), but there would have been hell to pay if he just discarded them.
• It could have been that he wanted the child's things at her mother's place, when he was making his move to a place 30 minutes away, so that they didn't get lost in the shuffle.
• It could be that the suits were worn, torn or in need of repairs that the father has no skill in performing and step-mom wants nothing to do with because nothing she does is good enough in the OP's eyes.
• It could be that the suits had been left wet in a gym bag by the child and they needed to be laundered, again by the OP since Dad and his wife can't seem to do anything right.
• Or it could be that you're right and he was being a jerk and doesn't want his kids to keep anything at his house.

But we will never know because the OP is more interested in making the father out to be an ogre in the eyes of the disboard.

 

[havaneselover]

You don't know why the suits were sent back to her mother's place. [*]It could have been because (prior to the time change for practice) Dad was not involved in transporting daughter to practice. [*]It could be because the suits no longer fit the child (hey, 10 years girls grow quickly!), but there would have been hell to pay if he just discarded them. [*]It could have been that he wanted the child's things at her mother's place, when he was making his move to a place 30 minutes away, so that they didn't get lost in the shuffle. [*]It could be that the suits were worn, torn or in need of repairs that the father has no skill in performing and step-mom wants nothing to do with because nothing she does is good enough in the OP's eyes. [*]It could be that the suits had been left wet in a gym bag by the child and they needed to be laundered, again by the OP since Dad and his wife can't seem to do anything right. [*]Or it could be that you're right and he was being a jerk and doesn't want his kids to keep anything at his house. But we will never know because the OP is more interested in making the father out to be an ogre in the eyes of the disboard.

No, I'm really not. Just trying to see what others think because I'm emotionally involved. I try very hard to be reasonable.

 

[sunshinehighway]

She was never told she had options so she wasn't worried about Saturday morning swim as punishment for forgetting. That's what I would have suggested if he called me to explain the situation but first I would have offered to drive 12 minutes and meet him with a suit because I had time.

The support issue is way too complex to explain but he isn't a deadbeat. He pays for health insurance. His financial situation is messy and he is trying to get a company off the ground. It makes my life harder than it should me IMO but I really can't do much beyond hoping he succeeds.

I absolutely have no idea who's telling the truth.

By throwing the "he pays no support" out there, you are letting people jump to their own conclusion. You are looking for people to agree with you so you throw little things like that and his wife probably have him a hard time, to give a negative impression of him.

Would you have the same problem with this if she said she agreed to pay him back?

 

[havaneselover]

By throwing the "he pays no support" out there, you are letting people jump to their own conclusion. You are looking for people to agree with you so you throw little things like that and his wife probably have him a hard time, to give a negative impression of him. Would you have the same problem with this if she said she agreed to pay him back?

People said he may have some say in the allowance if he paid child support. That's why I explained that.

I also said he isn't a deadbeat. While I wish the situation were different we both are trying to make the best of the situation and generally get along but we aren't able to co-parent.

 

[tina.tina]

Dear OP, Since the father specifically called to tell you that your daughter owes him for the suit, I do not think he told her that up front when he was buying the suit. I think it was an after the fact kind of decision which is not fair to your daughter.

I would do as PPs have suggested and completely take myself out of the equation. Let him get it from your daughter. He chose this method of "discipline," let him deal with it. NEVER act as a go between for them. He is her father and she should (unfortunately) just have to deal with whatever kind of father he is. All you can do now is be her mother and be there for her.

My BIL's parents were divorced when he was very small. His dad said "that's why I pay child support" and refused to even pay for a haircut. BIL's dad is having medical treatments now and BIL often "forgets" or puts off calling him. I guess his dad set the tone for the level of consideration in their relationship when BIL was a child....

 

[sunshinehighway]

People said he may have some say in the allowance if he paid child support. That's why I explained that.

I also said he isn't a deadbeat. While I wish the situation were different we both are trying to make the best of the situation and generally get along but we aren't able to co-parent.

But he does help support her. He pays health insurance ( which can be very expensive). Why should it make a difference if he's paying that himself or giving you child support so you can pay it?

Would you have an issue with the $40 of your daughter said she had agreed to pay it?

Also, does your daughter need you to access her money?

 

[NinaBella]

Are you married to a man with kids and an ex-wife, by any chance?

Ha Ha, I just love all the assumptions. No, I am just not an angry ex-wife. I have sole-custody of my kids from my previous marriage and he was a deadbeat. I moved to a different country not too long after our divorce and never relied on him for any financial support. Those kids are 22 and 20 now. My DH does have an ex-wife but they were not fortunate enough to have children together (ex had fertility issues).

You don't need to be married to co-parent a child. Co-parenting includes supporting the other person's decisions, even if you do not always agree. If it is a problem talk it out together without the child involved.

 

[havaneselover]

But he does help support her. He pays health insurance ( which can be very expensive). Why should it make a difference if he's paying that himself or giving you child support so you can pay it? Would you have an issue with the $40 of your daughter said she had agreed to pay it? Also, does your daughter need you to access her money?

The support issue is too complex and I'm not interested in explaining it further. It's not a great situation but like I said we both are doing our best. I am grateful that he pays their insurance as it would cost me about $300/month to add them to mine.

If dd had agreed to pay it I would have suggested she figure out how to work it off at his house.

Money is in an account so she has to ask me for it.

 

[sunshinehighway]

The support issue is too complex and I'm not interested in explaining it further. It's not a great situation but like I said we both are doing our best. I am grateful that he pays their insurance as it would cost me about $300/month to add them to mine.

If dd had agreed to pay it I would have suggested she figure out how to work it off at his house.

Money is in an account so she has to ask me for it.

You are both doing your best, so ignore the advice about him not having a day because he doesn't pay support. He's not a deadbeat so that advice doesn't really fit this situation.
Instead of assuming he told you so you'd have to get involved and be the bad guy by making you the one who follows through on his punishment, assume something more positive. If you are the one that has to access her money, assume he told you for that reason and nothing more.
You don't know that she didn't know about paying him back. Don't get involved in taking her side over his.
Give her the $40 from her account and tell her she needs to work it out with him.

Look at it this way, if she did know she'd have to pay him back and you tell her she doesn't have to, she's learning that she can lie to you and you will side with her.
If she didn't know and he takes the money, she's learning who he is and what she can expect from him.
If she is prepared to give him the money but talks to him and together they come to a different resolution, she's learning to keep her word and how to better communicate with her father.

 

[momplus3]

This situation is very complicated as the multiple answers/opinions have shown.

In my situation, my ex-husband always pays support on time. He also pays for DS13 and DS15 health insurance as my work does not offer it and I pay out of pocket.

However, he NEVER pays for anything extra for the boys. Not 1 pair of soccer cleats, shin guards, registration fees, etc. My contribution for the boys is equal to his child support payment x2 (at least).


I do understand teaching responsibility to kids but he had options he could have taken before he bought a new suit. He chose the easy way to deal with the situation.

 

[Colleen27]

He is her parent. Even if you don't agree with the punishment, I don't think you can over-ride it. What if you punished her, saying no screen time, and he didn't agree, and let her watch tv or play on the computer at his house? I think it's even more important to respect each other's parenting in a divorce situation. I don't think I'd ever tell my kids they didn't have to listen to their father (unless it would harm them).

It isn't a question of telling the kids they don't have to listen to their other parent. It is about respecting the boundaries between mom's home/mom's time and dad's home/dad's time.

Using your example, if one of the things Dad and daughter look forward to every weekend during her visits is watching Doctor Who on Saturday night, should Mom really have the right to take away that element of their limited time together because she's on no-TV punishment at home? Or if Mom has plans for a special girls' day out but daughter gets in trouble at Dad's house, should Mom have to cancel her plans to accommodate Dad's punishment?

This is something my ex and I hammered out when DS was rather young because it was a constant source of conflict; he'd ground DS and expect me to hold him to it during the week regardless of our plans, or I'd take away video games which was for a long time their main bonding activity and then get mad at my ex for not sticking to the "no games" decree when DS went over there. And we quickly learned from experience that unless the issue is major, punishments are best confined to the home of and carried out by the parent who imposed them. There is less conflict all around and a much clearer presentation of authority to DS - he never had to wonder who had the final say, it was Mom at my house and Dad at his.

 

[wilkeliza]

It isn't a question of telling the kids they don't have to listen to their other parent. It is about respecting the boundaries between mom's home/mom's time and dad's home/dad's time.

Using your example, if one of the things Dad and daughter look forward to every weekend during her visits is watching Doctor Who on Saturday night, should Mom really have the right to take away that element of their limited time together because she's on no-TV punishment at home? Or if Mom has plans for a special girls' day out but daughter gets in trouble at Dad's house, should Mom have to cancel her plans to accommodate Dad's punishment?

This is something my ex and I hammered out when DS was rather young because it was a constant source of conflict; he'd ground DS and expect me to hold him to it during the week regardless of our plans, or I'd take away video games which was for a long time their main bonding activity and then get mad at my ex for not sticking to the "no games" decree when DS went over there. And we quickly learned from experience that unless the issue is major, punishments are best confined to the home of and carried out by the parent who imposed them. There is less conflict all around and a much clearer presentation of authority to DS - he never had to wonder who had the final say, it was Mom at my house and Dad at his.

To me yes. Growing up in a divorced home our punishments carried over. We had our video games taken away for a year. Dad was a dead beat so we hardly saw him that year but my mother made it very clear that just because we were at dad's didn't mean the punishment was gone. Just like if we got in trouble at dad's and were grounded for a week but since we were only at dad's for no more than two days he would tell mom what we had done (usually brothers fighting) and what their punishment was and mom would make sure if was finished.


Punishments not being carried over is what creates the well I'm going to live with dad or I'm going to live with mom arguments later.

 

[nugov2]

Maybe. Maybe not. If this is a swim team it probably had to be a swim team style suit, not a justice or walmart bikini.



Here is my take. The dad is not asking anything from the ex-wife. He is asking his daughter to reimburse him for her mistake. I have to take the dad's side on this one. He knows she gets an allowance and his decision to discipline her is for her to repay him. I think the mom getting involved is undermining the dad's authority to discipline.

Example: If my child broke a vase in my home I may say they have to pay me to replace it as punishment. If my child broke a vase in their father's home and he says they have to pay to replace it as punishment, but I as the mom say too bad, so sad, the child does not have to pay... I am undermining his authority as a parent.

The allowance belongs to the child, not the mom. Both parents are involved here and the child needs to learn she has to follow the discipline of both.

I wouldn't dare say the dad needs to also give a separate allowance unless I knew the full details of the child support agreement, custody arrangements, etc.

Really $40 is not worth all the drama. The child will learn a lesson about not forgetting items. I hope the child does not learn the lesson of how to play mom and dad against each other and have them argue over little things like this.

Once the parent states the punishment, the parent should not have to retract it or else the child learns the wrong lesson. If I was the mom and upset over the situation I would speak with the dad and say I will support him this one time, but in the future if he could speak with me next time, I could save them hassle and money and bring the item to them.

This is what I was going to post. Once the child earns the money it is hers and if it is her responsibility to pay someone back it comes from her money. He isn't asking mom to pay for it, but her. I feel like there is more to this story and obviously a lot of underlying issues. Based on the information the OP has given, I think it is the mom who is wrong by making it a that is money I gave her so she can't pay you from it.

 

[angwill]

Okay, I'm looking for objective opinions here.

My dd (10) was picked up by her dad after school and taken to his house about 30 minutes away and then to swimming (halfway between his house and mine). He says he asked her twice if she had everything for swimming before leaving my house. She realized at his house that she didn't have a suit. She asked him to take her home but he said that was too far so he took her to swimming and purchased her a new suit for $40. He also could have texted/called me and asked me to bring a suit to swimming but didn't. She claims he never told her she would have to reimburse him for it.

I got a text about 45 minutes after swimming started telling me that she owed him $40 from the allowance I give her. Am I wrong to think that he can't make that decision? Sometimes with exes there's too much emotion to be rational. But I'm at a loss to see how I'm in the wrong (he's very mad at me and I'm sure he'll find some way to get even).

I wouldn't give him the money but I would tell him he is free to have her do chores at his house to earn the money for the suit because it is good to teach her a lesson to be more responsible next time.

 

[nugov2]

To me yes. Growing up in a divorced home our punishments carried over. We had our video games taken away for a year. Dad was a dead beat so we hardly saw him that year but my mother made it very clear that just because we were at dad's didn't mean the punishment was gone. Just like if we got in trouble at dad's and were grounded for a week but since we were only at dad's for no more than two days he would tell mom what we had done (usually brothers fighting) and what their punishment was and mom would make sure if was finished.


Punishments not being carried over is what creates the well I'm going to live with dad or I'm going to live with mom arguments later.

I have to agree. I have never been in this situation, but had a friend growing up who would always fight with her mom and say things like, well I'll go to dad's house where I won't have to be grounded etc.

My dh has laid out punishments and so have I that the other doesn't agree with. Sometimes it does interfere with plans we have, but we have to readjust our plans.

I think the OP should talk to her ex about doing this in the future and how she doesn't feel it is appropriate, but not reverse his punishment this time. IMO it isn't right and sending the wrong message to DD. She has stated he isn't a deadbeat(though I think the comment you made about him not knowing how much money they have in their accounts so he can't take anymore is a sign there are lots of underlying issues with resentment on op part) and the money the dd earned is hers and if she is responsible for a repayment that is her money to use and not for the mom to refuse. I would tell ex that in the future to discuss issues like this type of punishment with me first before laying it down as a consequence and move on. It is $40, not that is nothing, but it isn't a lot of money either. Or at least have dd pay half that seems more reasonable than flat out refusing to have dd pay.

 

[havaneselover]

Thanks again for the opinions and perspective. It was especially helpful to hear from others in similar situations and those who grew up with divorced parents (I didn't so I'm doing my best but sometimes I'm admittedly at a loss).

 

[wilkeliza]

Thanks again for the opinions and perspective. It was especially helpful to hear from others in similar situations and those who grew up with divorced parents (I didn't so I'm doing my best but sometimes I'm admittedly at a loss).

A tiny bit off topic but as a child of divorce this is the advice i have to offwr going forwaed.
Try to menatly prepare yourself for the first time you hear "Well I'll just go live with dad then."
My dad was a dead beat SOB but even I said it once. I was so upset and knew it would hurt the most so I said it. I never meant it or even wanted it but it is ammunition that your kids have and will use if they really want something to sting. Every kid of divorce I know used it at some point.