Allowance disagreement with ex

[nugov2]

Don't you see the contradiction here in your post?

The OP gives the money to the daughter.
At that point it becomes the daughter's money.
The situation is between the Dad and Daughter -- and IF she pays it, she's paying out of money that used to be Mom's but is NOW Daughter's.

Disagree she is contradicting herself. I have control over my kids bank accounts, but that does not mean I can take the money to use it on what I want or all of a sudden say you know what I want that money back. It is really mine not yours. That is ridiculous to even suggest that. She is saying that the mom is the one who goes to the bank to get the money when DD needs it and that is why the ex is telling her. She needs to get it so her dd can pay him back for the suit. It is her money...it doesn't matter if it came from Aunt Ethel's birthday card or the money mom gave her for taking out the trash. It is all in the same pot. Otherwise by that logic Ex can just say only take out the dollars that came from her birthday money

 

[richmond282]

So my question is: Where did he buy this swimsuit and how long did it take? Presumably it took a little bit of time to pick out the right size. Maybe DD had to try it on too? Seems like it would have taken the same amount of time or less to just drive home and get a suit or call mom.

 

[danygirl]

The suit was bought at the pool. The kid would know the size because she swims six times a week

 

[Marionnette]

The dad told the dd to take all her suits back to OP house the week before, that alone makes him have to take a hit on the money.

From this point on, either she is able to keep stuff there for stuff to come up or he gets to buy things for her to be able to do, no indian giving, no changing rules because of new wife.

My exs fiancee wanted me to buy dress and shoes for my dd to be part of the wedding, didnt even let dd know. Um no, i dont ask to get money for if i take her on vacation, etc.

The OP never did say why the father sent the suits back to her home. He could have sent them back for numerous reasons, including them being too small for the child, in need of cleaning or repair, or because until very recently the child's practices were right after school and she had no need to go to his home prior to going to practice. Don't be too quick to pass judgement on the guy. You're only getting the OP's side of the story.

 

[Marionnette]

I don't think the dad has the right to spend money and then require to be reimbursed from either the mom or the child. As I understand it, the dad took it upon himself to purchase the swimsuit. No other option was discussed with the mom. I would be furious if someone decided to spend my money without my consent. And this is a 10 yo child who is being put into a very complicated situation.

He's not asking for the OP to reimburse him. He specifically asked that the child reimburse him using her allowance. You don't know what kind of agreement the child made with her father. She might have agreed to pay him back at the time of the purchase and now she's afraid to admit it to her mother because of the way her mother has reacted to the father's request.

 

[hereyago]

The OP never did say why the father sent the suits back to her home. He could have sent them back for numerous reasons, including them being too small for the child, in need of cleaning or repair, or because until very recently the child's practices were right after school and she had no need to go to his home prior to going to practice. Don't be too quick to pass judgement on the guy. You're only getting the OP's side of the story.

If they were too small, he can buy her a new one to keep there. If it needed cleaning or repaired, he is a big enough boy yo get it cleaned or repaired near him. The dd should have things there for her to wear, end of story.

 

[Marionnette]

If they were too small, he can buy her a new one to keep there. If it needed cleaning or repaired, he is a big enough boy yo get it cleaned or repaired near him. The dd should have things there for her to wear, end of story.

Um...not the END OF STORY! You don't know why he sent those particular suits back to the mother. And you don't know if he had recently purchased one or more new suits for her. Until recently, the child had swimming right after school. She had no need to have suits at her father's house if she was leaving from her mother's to go directly to practice. It's possible that he sent those suits back to the mother's house so that the child could actually use them instead of having them sit unused at his house while she outgrew them.

I agree that the child should be permitted to have personal items at her father's house for those times when she is with him. But bathing suits (especially expensive, competitive swim team suits) that aren't anticipated to be used by the child are not among the things I would expect to be on that list.

 

[kymom99]

OP I understand your frustration because my husband would probably do the same thing, buy a new suit. Then when he got home I would have let him know I thought he was wasting money and it doesn't grow on trees. I imagine his wife probably said the same to your ex. That doesn't make her the heavy, but your comment makes it sound like you are laying some of the blame on her.

I am going to ask you to please, please not let your daughter hear you make comments like these. I am a step mom and for years my husband paid child support and paid a judgment for a lawsuit over a house sale that he and his ex were equally responsible for. She filed bankruptcy and left my husband holding the bag. So after paying that and the child support he had somewhere around $400 a month to put towards his own living expenses. The ex wife regularly blamed me for daring to have a say in how my hard earned money was spent. The kids told their dad many times about things she would say. (Your dad won't buy you a car because M won't let him, etc. etc.) If his wife did indeed complain about him buying a suit, she is essentially agreeing with you and she has every right to voice her opinion especially assuming she works to support the household.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Don't you see the contradiction here in your post?

The OP gives the money to the daughter.
At that point it becomes the daughter's money.
The situation is between the Dad and Daughter -- and IF she pays it, she's paying out of money that used to be Mom's but is NOW Daughter's.

There's no contradiction in my post. The mom pays the daughter an allowance which the mom deposits in a bank account for the daughter. Once she pays the daughter, it's not mom's money. It's the daughter's money.
The mom controls the account so the daughter needs the mom to get the money for her.
It seems pretty simple to me.

 

[supersnoop]

This is a parenting issue, not an allowance issue. Would this be an argument if the parents were still together? If the mom had to buy a suit because the child left them at home, what would happen? How would you discipline the child? Regardless of the parents divorce, the child needs to be treated consistently.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The money thing has me confused. Personally, my husband & I pay our kids $20 a week allowance to offset our expenses. Never in their lives have our children actually done $20 worth of housework or lawn work. Its always dodgy but we let it go because they need to learn responsibility & such and the money helps with the day to day burgers, gas, mascara and all that. Anyway, the fact i let things slide and can suspend it at will is why I do not see myself as a real employer and the reason why, IMO, allowence is really the parents money not 'hard earned independent cashflow'.

 

[mjkacmom]

The money thing has me confused. Personally, my husband & I pay our kids $20 a week allowance to offset our expenses. Never in their lives have our children actually done $20 worth of housework or lawn work. Its always dodgy but we let it go because they need to learn responsibility & such and the money helps with the day to day burgers, gas, mascara and all that. Anyway, the fact i let things slide and can suspend it at will is why I do not see myself as a real employer and the reason why, IMO, allowence is really the parents money not 'hard earned independent cashflow'.

All of the money that I have given my children is their money. Sure, I can withhold giving them any more, but what they already have is theirs. Plus, OP mentioned birthday money - the money my kids have received from birthday gifts is their money. If, for whatever reason, I think my kids owe me money (going over data allowance, arcade charges on a cruise), I will take it out of their accounts.

It seems like, in this case, dad is not able to take money from his dd's account, and needs mom's help.

 

[Marionnette]

All of the money that I have given my children is their money. Sure, I can withhold giving them any more, but what they already have is theirs. Plus, OP mentioned birthday money - the money my kids have received from birthday gifts is their money. If, for whatever reason, I think my kids owe me money (going over data allowance, arcade charges on a cruise), I will take it out of their accounts.

It seems like, in this case, dad is not able to take money from his dd's account, and needs mom's help.

This is why he got the mother involved, even though people are saying that this is between him and the daughter. Mom controls the children's money, so Mom has to be advised when the children owe Dad for something.

I don't necessarily agree with making a child pay for a $40 swimsuit, but there are a lot of details that are missing and we don't know the whole story. People here are too quick to damn the father without knowing what really went down as opposed to what the child told her mother and what information the mother chooses to share with us.

 

[MrsPete]

There's no contradiction in my post. The mom pays the daughter an allowance which the mom deposits in a bank account for the daughter. Once she pays the daughter, it's not mom's money. It's the daughter's money.
The mom controls the account so the daughter needs the mom to get the money for her.
It seems pretty simple to me.

Check your post again. Check the part I highlighted in red. You said -- and I agree -- something to the effect of, "Once she gives the money to the daughter, it's the daughter's money."

Thus, it's between Dad and Daughter. It's not Mom's money any longer.

 

[nugov2]

Check your post again. Check the part I highlighted in red. You said -- and I agree -- something to the effect of, "Once she gives the money to the daughter, it's the daughter's money."

Thus, it's between Dad and Daughter. It's not Mom's money any longer.

So let's say the dd who is 10 agrees to pay the money...doesn't MOM have to go to the bank to get it? Mom has to be involved because she is the only one who has access to the money. I agree with the PP this is a situation where everyone is quick to flame this father when we have very limited info and the mom has IMO posted some very telling statements about how she feels that are red flags there is probably a lot more to this story. If my dh makes a decision with the kids I don't agree with I don't override the punishment. We discuss it like adults and agree if it stands or not. Divorced or not this should not change. Be adults, discuss the situation with the ex and if he has valid reasons dd pays. If you feel the reasons aren't valid, but he still feels strongly have her pay half. There are lots of options beside overriding the Dads authority and is setting both parents up for a long bumpy road for a very minor consequence disagreement.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Check your post again. Check the part I highlighted in red. You said -- and I agree -- something to the effect of, "Once she gives the money to the daughter, it's the daughter's money."

Thus, it's between Dad and Daughter. It's not Mom's money any longer.

And the mother is the only person who can access the money .Thus, she needs to get the money (from the bank) for the daughter so the daughter can work it out with her father. It's really not that hard to understand.

You seem to be failing to understand that the mother controls the daughter's money. She has to get involved only to give the daughter her money. After she does that she can step out of it.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

The OP seems long gone from this thread and it appeared from her answer she was not going to give her ex the money. He's free to start paying his dd an allowance out of his own pocket, open a bank account, and withdraw the funds when issues like this come up in the future.

 

[wilkeliza]

The OP seems long gone from this thread and it appeared from her answer she was not going to give her ex the money. He's free to start paying his dd an allowance out of his own pocket, open a bank account, and withdraw the funds when issues like this come up in the future.

So in your situation where does birthday money go? The account dad gave her or mom? Also say she has 100 in mom's account and 50 in dad's. She wants to buy something that cost 150. Mom says yes dad says no what then? Or lets say she wants to buy something for 25. Mom aays absolutely not even though she has the money so DD runs to Dad and be says yes.

Where are lines drawn when there are 2 accounts. He isn't taking Moms money he is trying to teach hia daughter responisibilty by her using her allowance to pay for the suit. My mom use to have use do this all the time. If she asked us if we had something several times and say yes and then get where ever we are going it was our job to pay for it. Didn't matter if we were at dad's or mom's. I broken my glasses doing something I shouldn't have been. Mom taped them up and told me if I wanted new ones I would have to find a way to pay for them. My entire years worth of allowance went to new glasses. I've never broken anothwr pair.

 

[LuvGoofy6]

1st off she 10 years old, he is the parent, he should have made sure. That's what parents do. Yes I understand about the responsibility... but she is a kid and no-ones perfect.

2nd - your the one that's gonna come across as being mean, if you take the 40.00 out of the allowance. If he wants it he should tell her, again its about parenting, let him explain it, then work it out with her.

3rd - He is the father... he can buy his child a swimsuit.. There is no way I would give him money that You give her for allowance... Maybe you should suggest that he can start giving her a allowance as well.

4th - Your divorced.. Don't let him tell you what your gonna do... Why would worry about pleasing him..... As far as him getting back at you, you might want to think about what that kind of behavior is doing to your DD... Trust me she knows. I would talk to him.. one on one and set some guide lines, keep a log of incidence, date, time and what happened( stick to the facts.. keep emotion out of it)

5th - You have to be strong for your kids, and you have to step up for them.

On a side note if my ex would have tried that, I would have said, WOW that's great you did that for her. I know she appreciated it. Well gotta go.... and hang up the phone....

I had ALL of these same thoughts! Well said LovesTimone. The bottom line is he is the adult, he shouldn't make this your problem and a natural consequence would have been, "I guess you aren't swimming today. I hope you remember your swimsuit next time."

 

[sunshinehighway]

So in your situation where does birthday money go? The account dad gave her or mom? Also say she has 100 in mom's account and 50 in dad's. She wants to buy something that cost 150. Mom says yes dad says no what then? Or lets say she wants to buy something for 25. Mom aays absolutely not even though she has the money so DD runs to Dad and be says yes.

Where are lines drawn when there are 2 accounts. He isn't taking Moms money he is trying to teach hia daughter responisibilty by her using her allowance to pay for the suit. My mom use to have use do this all the time. If she asked us if we had something several times and say yes and then get where ever we are going it was our job to pay for it. Didn't matter if we were at dad's or mom's. I broken my glasses doing something I shouldn't have been. Mom taped them up and told me if I wanted new ones I would have to find a way to pay for them. My entire years worth of allowance went to new glasses. I've never broken anothwr pair.

You know what'll happen if she has two accounts and conflicts arise. It'll be the dad's fault and he only got her a second account because he didn't like the mom controlling the money.