Allowance disagreement with ex

[jennasmommyinMS]

I think dad needs to start giving her another allowance out of his pocket. Then if he has an issue like this again, he can hold it out of what he gives her. It sounds to me like he's trying to put you in the middle of an issue that is really between the two of them. He can start with the swim suit issue right now--when that's paid off, then she'll get $X.XX from him per week or month from then on.

 

[havaneselover]

Just want to thank everyone for their opinions/advice/perspective. It definitely helped a lot.

I told him no and was told I was controlling and interfering with his discipline. I'm just going to leave it alone at this point.

It has made me realize that I'm not going to let the kids know how much is in their savings accounts (birthday money) or he'll have a lot more things they have to reimburse him for.

 

[MomToOne]

I suspect there is your ex's version of the story, your child's version, and then the actual truth. Who knows what it is. If you feel bad about it and don't think your daughter should be out the money, then have your daughter do extra chores (to ensure she still learns her lesson) and pay her $40 that she can then give to her dad. $40 to avoid a drama would be worth it to me.

 

[nugov2]

Just want to thank everyone for their opinions/advice/perspective. It definitely helped a lot.

I told him no and was told I was controlling and interfering with his discipline. I'm just going to leave it alone at this point.

It has made me realize that I'm not going to let the kids know how much is in their savings accounts (birthday money) or he'll have a lot more things they have to reimburse him for.

So is he really a deadbeat who would take money from his children or are you just angry? I actually don't think his punishment is harsh, but don't know the history to make full judgement(ie does she do this a lot). I am assuming at 10 she is in 4th/5th grade and should be responsible for her stuff, but also get they are kids and mistakes happen. I forget things myself so I think everyone is due a free pass from time to time, but I also think sometimes you have to take responsibility for your actions even at 10. I'd talk to the ex and go with the half option if I felt he was way out of line and it would be a lesson learned for everyone. To me it wouldn't be worth a big fuss. I don't think his punishment was so extreme I'd get upset about it, but it sounds like this is about a lot more than this issue based on that comment.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I'm also divorced. With two kids.

In a situation like this it would be his problem to deal with on his time with his own money. I wouldn't be caught in the middle of this or taking the allowance I give her. We get along great but this would be an instance where I would laugh in his face. SN: were the type that can argue today and tomorrow go back like nothing happened so I have no issues giving him a peace of my mind.

Dd forgot her bathing suit at his house when he took her to the beach. He bought her a new one on the boardwalk. He was irritated but got over it in an hour. He never asked anyone for anything.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think buying a kid a new swimsuit before practice because she forgot to pack one is a bad idea. There were numerous ways he could have dealt with it and still taught her a lesson - pick up a suit at home and be late for practice; call mom to bring a suit but if she can't make it then no swimming today; go to practice and watch everyone else swim. Buying a new suit when she already has several isn't a good solution. Then it sounds like his wife didn't like that he spent the money and he's trying to find a way to recover it. If he never said to DD, "I'll buy you a suit but you'll have to pay me back with your allowance," then he can't backpedal and make up new rules later. DD would have had the chance to say, "No. I'll just skip swimming today." His choices. His mistakes. His expense.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I do get the lesson & its reasonable but I dont get why its allowed to infringe on the allowence agreement regarding money you give your girl in your home? He didnt let you weigh in on it, it was between him & his daughter so it shouldn't involve you or your money in any way. Now if HE gave her another allowence and wanted to withhold, so be it, or if you both contribute to the joint allowance and it just so happens you give it to her thats ok too. If not, Its a muddying of the water I wouldn't participate in, since its his lesson let him figure out a way to address it that has zero to do with you. Boundries arent being respected IMO & that should be nipped

Good luck

 

[ceecee]

He's her father, he can buy her a bathing suit. If he didn't want to pay for it his options were to bring her home for one, call and ask you to bring one, or to skip swimming.

I agree, he should have called you and said to bring it or miss swimming!

 

[wilkeliza]

I suspect there is your ex's version of the story, your child's version, and then the actual truth. Who knows what it is. If you feel bad about it and don't think your daughter should be out the money, then have your daughter do extra chores (to ensure she still learns her lesson) and pay her $40 that she can then give to her dad. $40 to avoid a drama would be worth it to me.

Ding ding ding. I think it is a she said he said situation. Ex husband says he told her that the $40 would come out of her allowance to teach her responsibility. DD says he never said that. You'll never know who actually said what so if you don't want DD to loose the money then telk her look you have to so xyz and then I'll give your dad the 40 for the swimsuit.

I remember saying stuff like that when I was at my dad's house. My brothers and I would always try the pull mom never told us that card. Mom was the sole custodian and better parent but hey kids will do anything to get out of trouble.

Personally to me where the allowance came from doesn't matter. I got my allowance from mom but if I forgot something non-essential at the house while at dads it came out of my allowance no matter who gave me the money.

 

[crisi]

The allowance you give her is your money that you give her. I agree, if he wants to start withholding an allowance, he needs to give her some money for when she is with him to spend - not take the money you give her to spend when she is with you. I'd close off that method of discipline right now - your ex will have to come up with a different way to discipline them for forgetting things - like not going to swimming or making them work off the money at his house with chores.

With my kids the punishment wouldn't have been buying a new swimsuit - at that age my kids got $5 a week - and two months allowance for forgetting a suit is steep. Not to mention that I buy $12 swimsuits on clearance . It would have been "well, I guess you'll sit out swimming today."

 

[slzer0]

$40 is a lot of money for a ten year old's bathing suit.

 

[NinaBella]

$40 is a lot of money for a ten year old's bathing suit.

Maybe. Maybe not. If this is a swim team it probably had to be a swim team style suit, not a justice or walmart bikini.



Here is my take. The dad is not asking anything from the ex-wife. He is asking his daughter to reimburse him for her mistake. I have to take the dad's side on this one. He knows she gets an allowance and his decision to discipline her is for her to repay him. I think the mom getting involved is undermining the dad's authority to discipline.

Example: If my child broke a vase in my home I may say they have to pay me to replace it as punishment. If my child broke a vase in their father's home and he says they have to pay to replace it as punishment, but I as the mom say too bad, so sad, the child does not have to pay... I am undermining his authority as a parent.

The allowance belongs to the child, not the mom. Both parents are involved here and the child needs to learn she has to follow the discipline of both.

I wouldn't dare say the dad needs to also give a separate allowance unless I knew the full details of the child support agreement, custody arrangements, etc.

Really $40 is not worth all the drama. The child will learn a lesson about not forgetting items. I hope the child does not learn the lesson of how to play mom and dad against each other and have them argue over little things like this.

Once the parent states the punishment, the parent should not have to retract it or else the child learns the wrong lesson. If I was the mom and upset over the situation I would speak with the dad and say I will support him this one time, but in the future if he could speak with me next time, I could save them hassle and money and bring the item to them.

 

[ShelsGoingToDisney]

This problem is between Dad and DD. I agree that DD needs to learn to be more responsible for her things. Dad also needs to learn to have back-up plans like keeping a suit at his house, she's 10 after all. If Dad wants to punish her by making her pay him back then he needs to give her a way to do that by enacting some chores that she can do to even the debt while she's at his house. If DD decides to take some of the money she has out of her own allowance and give to Dad then let that be her decision, it's not OP's job to police that. Basically this should all be decided and agreed upon between DD and Dad. OP shouldn't play any part.

 

[lelalittlelegs]

If you remove the fact that he is her parent from the situation for a moment... She is 10. He cannot enter into any type of bargaining or verbal contract with her as she is a minor. He also cannot go after you for the money as nobody can procure something on your behalf, without your knowledge or permission. I would pack up the swimming suit and give it back to him the next time he has visitation. Tell him to return it (I know he won't be able to) because he acquired it without your permission. If he doesn't want to return it, tell his new wife to squeeze into it. And if this is a lesson in responsibility it's also a great time for him to learn that sometimes as the parent you have to be responsible for your child. Works both ways.

 

[DisneyMum4]

I think that we have to remember that the kid is 10. He needs to teach her ways to remember things and problem solve not just buy a suit . The time it took to drive to a store and go I and purchase a suit, he could have met mom somewhere or driven her back home.

Kids have so much on them today compared to when we were younger. School in itself is unbelievable. I do believe that we have to teach our kids at a young age about responsibility and accountability but also have to understand they are kids not mini adults.

 

[lelalittlelegs]

I think that we have to remember that the kid is 10. He needs to teach her ways to remember things and problem solve not just buy a suit . The time it took to drive to a store and go I and purchase a suit, he could have met mom somewhere or driven her back home. Kids have so much on them today compared to when we were younger. School in itself is unbelievable. I do believe that we have to teach our kids at a young age about responsibility and accountability but also have to understand they are kids not mini adults.

This.

This child is also trying to appease two parents in two separate houses with two different sets of rules and expectations. Instead of punishing her for forgetting a swimsuit, he could implement a check list so that the child isn't left trying to make sure she has absolutely everything she needs when it's Daddy's time. Especially as he sent all the spare swimsuits back to her Mothers home and he knew she had swimming on a regular basis.

 

[havaneselover]

I think that we have to remember that the kid is 10. He needs to teach her ways to remember things and problem solve not just buy a suit . The time it took to drive to a store and go I and purchase a suit, he could have met mom somewhere or driven her back home.

Kids have so much on them today compared to when we were younger. School in itself is unbelievable. I do believe that we have to teach our kids at a young age about responsibility and accountability but also have to understand they are kids not mini adults.

Agreed. She just started middle school (block schedules, three locker combinations, morning bus to hub and bus from hub to middle school, beginner strings, changing for gym) and her swimming just moved to 6:30PM. We also have no nanny right now and are winging after school child care so everything is a bit out of kilter.

For kids with two homes, trying to have the right stuff at the right house on the right day is complicated. Unfortunately her dad moved about 30 minutes away from us so not having something at the right parent's house is a pain in the butt.

 

[danygirl]

Dd has been a swimmer for 14 years

Forgot your suit-
Borrow from a friend (lots if kids carry extra or you could call a friend and ask them to bring one)
Get one from lost and found
Sit out on deck and feel the wrath if the coach
Go home and miss practice

No one I know has ever bought a suit for practice in this scenario - and we have a swim suit vending machine in lobby!!

His lesson was a bad one

I run a summer league team - the above applies there as well

 

[Marionnette]

I think that we have to remember that the kid is 10. He needs to teach her ways to remember things and problem solve not just buy a suit . The time it took to drive to a store and go I and purchase a suit, he could have met mom somewhere or driven her back home.

Kids have so much on them today compared to when we were younger. School in itself is unbelievable. I do believe that we have to teach our kids at a young age about responsibility and accountability but also have to understand they are kids not mini adults.

I was under the impression that the $40 swimsuit was purchased right at swim practice, hence the high cost.

I would agree that you have to give kids some slack about forgetting things once in a while, but he reminded her more than once to make sure that she had what she needed before leaving the OP's house. There should be consequences.

 

[crisi]

M



Here is my take. The dad is not asking anything from the ex-wife. He is asking his daughter to reimburse him for her mistake. I have to take the dad's side on this one. He knows she gets an allowance and his decision to discipline her is for her to repay him. I think the mom getting involved is undermining the dad's authority to discipline.

Except she provides the allowance. She doesn't have to provide the allowance. So it IS her money - and at that age, she has the right to control what her daughter spends on - if she doesn't want it to go to candy - or replacement swimsuits - that's is her business. Cash at that age only comes from two places - parents in the form of allowance and gifts from usually grandparents.

If Dad wants to move to financial punishments, DAD needs to provide the capital to implement that form of discipline.

When my son was young he accidentally broke the neighbors backboard. He didn't have money to pay for it since his allowance was small - so we did (like Dad paid for the swimsuit) and then he did odd jobs for us and the neighbors until we felt it "paid off."