A Big Fat ZILCH!!!! (vent)

[Bren's Mom]

I just want him to not be lazy and self-absorbed...

Here's a tip...don't say what I quoted above in your letter...that's not likely to go over too well!

Don't say anything about HIM. Say things about YOU. Say how you feel (overworked, overwhelmed, unappreciated), say what he can do to help make things better (be specific, or ask for a sit down meeting to hash it out) and TAKE OWNERSHIP for YOUR part in this communication breakdown ("Honey, I know that when you asked me about a gift I was non-specific and said I didn't care...and that was wrong. You cared enough to ask, I should have given you a clear, honest answer." Something like that.)

You get lots more with honey than with vinegar! $.02.

 

[kafitty]

i think you've gotten some excellent advice here, especially the part about stepping back from your responsibilities a bit and working on direct communication skills.

But i wanted to reiterate this bit in particular:

Something I heard a long time ago that helped me. Do you want to live like this for the next 20 years? If he doesn't respect you now, your children won't respect you later.

i can't tell you how many of my friends have made me with their behavior - then i meet their parents and see the dynamic between them, and then the light goes on. It's a shame, really - i'm in my early 20's, and the lack of respect i see my friends have towards their parents or others is quite frightening and a little embarrassing at times! (and i'm no saint, folks, trust me i was one punk *** kid, hahah)


ETA: what the poster above me said is absolutely spot-on: you canNOT go on the attack, because he will just get defensive and put the walls up. "I" statements - I feel like I'm doing too much, I am hurt when you do xyz...this is Communication Skills 101, quite literally - i was a Comm Studies minor in college.

 

[Pikester]

I have an ex like your dh. The problem is really more that he is a 'momma's boy'. Really. He replaced his mom with you, and now enjoys the perks of having a 'wife' and a mom. My ex never liked to stay at a job too long, and with a child and one on the way someboddy had to work. I was working two jobs, we were living with his mom and he was perfectly content to stay that way. One day he came to me and said 'since I am watching the baby while you work I was thinking maybe you could pay me 50 bucks a week like you would a sitter'. Um..yeah. NOOOT. I moved out that day. He still lives with his mom.

Unless you do something drastic, like stop doing everything this will continue. I would not get another job. You are already stretched too thin and your children need a mom too. He has to get on the same program. While you can try not doing anything and letting him do it, you will have to remember. He won't dress the kids like you would. He won't feed them the same meals you would. You have to be 'ok' with his version of you and not argue about how he isn't doing it like you would. Eventually he will get better at it or he won't.

I am sorry your Christmas wasn't what you wanted it to be. I hope next christmas is better for you!

Kelly

 

[jodifla]

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

All that said, I'd have his butt in counceling or if he refused that, I'd see an attorney. Life it too short to live with someone you can't stand because of the way he treats you. Please try counseling if you can talk him into it. You need a disinterested third party.

I agree with this, up to the last graph, which I think might be a bit premature.

The other thing I would ask is: Where is your relationship as a couple? With your schedules, it seems like you are basically roommates. Relationships can fizzle fast when there's no time for fun and just being with the one you fell in love with.

And I also wonder from reading your posts how "on board" your DH was to the whole idea of having kids. It sounds like he really doesn't want that responsibility, frankly.

My view is that the MARRIAGE comes first, before jobs or kids. That's the foundation of everything else. It's true that some marriages cannot be saved. But it's also true that sometimes the process of life takes over (work and kids and housework), and nobody is taking care of the foundation, the marriage.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Here's a tip...don't say what I quoted above in your letter...that's not likely to go over too well!

Don't say anything about HIM. Say things about YOU. Say how you feel (overworked, overwhelmed, unappreciated), say what he can do to help make things better (be specific, or ask for a sit down meeting to hash it out) and TAKE OWNERSHIP for YOUR part in this communication breakdown ("Honey, I know that when you asked me about a gift I was non-specific and said I didn't care...and that was wrong. You cared enough to ask, I should have given you a clear, honest answer." Something like that.)

You get lots more with honey than with vinegar! $.02.

Great advice.

We're pulling for you! Hope it is received well. Don't forget to update us.