A Big Fat ZILCH!!!! (vent)

[dizluvah]

OP you have gotten lots of good advice and things to think about. I just wanted to say I hope that 2010 brings you all the good things you deserve and that you can find happiness! Happy New Year

 

[Inigo]

You need to stop enabling the behavior. I am married for 15 years. For 10 of these years, my husband crawled into bed, took his socks off and threw them on the floor next to the bed. For 10 years, I picked those socks up. One day, I had it. I stopped picking them up.

So, 30 socks are piled on the floor and one day he runs out. He says....I don't have any socks. I say, sure you do, there on the floor next to the bed.

Now, through the years, I did make comments about picking them up, just didn't happen.

I no longer pick up the socks, they are with the rest of the dirty clothes.

I wish you well OP, I hope you guys can work this out. Please do not give up without trying. Sometimes, marriage is alot of hard work however, the benefits are great.

ITA with this post. I did this with my DH too, and he finally got with the program. He still backslides at times, but by and large, he realizes I work a full time job too (and I have major health concerns). I do make most major decisions and have to do most of the remembering and planning for the family, but at least he contributes a lot now.

Lately, he's been saying he needs tires for his car. I know I supposed to go get his car at work one day, get tires put on, then return his car to his job. Of course that means I'd have to give up my lunch time, which I usually work through. He's been off work 1 week so far, and is off until 1/4/10. I'm betting in January he'll still be saying he needs tires. He should realize, after 24 years, how stubborn I'm going to be about these stupid tires.

 

[MiniGirl]

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed.

I do have some questions though......

Was your dh the same way with your daughter when she was younger? Someone asked that earlier, and I think it is a valid question. I have a very dear friend, and her own dh will admit that he was not a good father to his babies. Quite frankly, he was scared of them. He was unsure how to change, clothe, and feed them. He is, however, a great father now that the kids are older. As they got to where they could do more, he began to feel more comfortable around them and not think of them as being so fragile.

Also, why do you do all the prep work for your dh when you will be gone? My dh's first wife did all this, and like you, got all upset with him because she was doing everything. When she complained, dh would tell her not to do it then. He would do it. However, she felt she HAD to do it because dh always did it "wrong." Truth was he just did it differently. However, if it wasn't the way she would've done it, he was wrong. He became so beaten down that he stopped doing anything. He figured why do anything. She was only going to change it and complain to him that he couldn't do anything right. No wonder they got divorced.

Now.... I'm not saying that you're doing this. It just makes me wonder why you do all that stuff if your dh is capable of doing it himself.

Also, why do you put so many expectations on yourself? When you realized the time crunch, why did you still make a hot breakfast? Certainly a bowl or cereal or instant oatmeal would've gotten the job done just as well.

I'm not ragging on you, OP, nor am I trying to defend your dh. I could easily post something like.... "Divorce the bum. You deserve better than that." Without knowing more though, I feel that would not be right.

I do wish you luck, though, OP.

 

[Goofyzgurl]

Seems like you're doing everything by yourself so you might as well be by yourself and stop putting up with his behaviour. It's not a question of why he doesn't do something, it's more of why do you put up with it? You deserve better so it's a matter of him changing what he does. If it's a deal breaker, then you have to leave if he doesn't change.

 

[kellyg403]

I have an ex like your dh. The problem is really more that he is a 'momma's boy'. Really. He replaced his mom with you, and now enjoys the perks of having a 'wife' and a mom. My ex never liked to stay at a job too long, and with a child and one on the way someboddy had to work. I was working two jobs, we were living with his mom and he was perfectly content to stay that way. One day he came to me and said 'since I am watching the baby while you work I was thinking maybe you could pay me 50 bucks a week like you would a sitter'. Um..yeah. NOOOT. I moved out that day. He still lives with his mom.

Unless you do something drastic, like stop doing everything this will continue. I would not get another job. You are already stretched too thin and your children need a mom too. He has to get on the same program. While you can try not doing anything and letting him do it, you will have to remember. He won't dress the kids like you would. He won't feed them the same meals you would. You have to be 'ok' with his version of you and not argue about how he isn't doing it like you would. Eventually he will get better at it or he won't.

I am sorry your Christmas wasn't what you wanted it to be. I hope next christmas is better for you!

Kelly

 

[mygirlkristi]

Oh gosh - I am so sorry. What a disaster. I feel for you.

I hope that things improve. I think I would have been tempted to grab the kids and go to my family's home and let him go back to his mom's all alone.

You deserve better, OP.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I was thinking a frying pan would be a good alternative.


I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[tasha99]

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

All that said, I'd have his butt in counceling or if he refused that, I'd see an attorney. Life it too short to live with someone you can't stand because of the way he treats you. Please try counseling if you can talk him into it. You need a disinterested third party.

This is excellent advice. And yes, this guy's behavior is so extreme it should be marriage counseling or a divorce.

I have an ex husband like that, btw. He treated me like that all the time, but one thing that made me realize I had to go was that he was starting to get rough with our kids, and our oldest boy was starting to imitate him (his dad told him I was stupid and he didn't have to do what I said--so basically I had no authority over our 4th grader). Staying in a marriage where your kids see their mom disrespected is more harmful than a divorce.

 

[Jeanne B]

He sounds just like my ex-DH. Which is why he's an ex-DH. Eventually I got so tired of taking care of everyone all of the time, plus his mother, so we were done.

OP, this is similar to my situation too, a little less extreme maybe, but mine is an ex-DH now also...without going into details I was always the strong, responsible one in my marriage and I got to the point where I just couldn't deal with it anymore, I wanted a man in my life who could be my "rock" at times and I never had that in our near 20-year relationship, I felt like I was married to a child at times, not my equal partner...I've had some disappointing xmas's in the past and this year was my first xmas as a single, divorced mother and even though it was quiet, it was stress free and pain free. When I decided to end my marriage back in the spring it was the biggest relief off my shoulders I've ever felt...and nothing has really changed for me because I was always taking care of so much during my marriage and I had felt emotionally and physically single for a long time anyway...so now I have the same, just minus the ex-DH which means no stress, no awkwardness, no bickering, etc, etc...I do have a man who I've been casually dating for quite a while now and he's everything my ex wasn't...strong, confident personality, responsible, hard-working, caring...and even though I want to continue to stay officially single for a while longer he's been a reminder that there are men out there that I could be in a healthy, loving relationship with.

Now with all that said, I'm not saying jump on the divorce bandwagon but in reading your post CLEARLY there are some serious issues in your marriage that need to be addressed, and SOON, because honestly, neither one of you sound like you're happy...maybe your marriage can be saved through marriage counseling, maybe it can't, but I really hope you take the first step to figure that out sooner than later.

Hugs to you OP ...being in a similar situation in the past I could "hear" the pain in your voice as I read your post, it was almost painful for me to read because I've been there.

I posted this on my Facebook page the day my divorce was final..."I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. ~Author Unknown".

 

[ma2jr]

IMO.. you guys need to sit down and talk, seems you're both harboring resentment, you need to clear the air.

(((hugs)))

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP:
I was exhausted just reading your post

The MORE you do the MORE you will be relied upon by you hubby..............why WOULD he do anything, YOU'LL do it ALL!


You need to have a SERIOUS discussion about what BOTH of you need from this marriage (and I am unfortunately using this word lightly as this is not a "marriage" of anything "shared" ) you have young kids....please seek help for your situation to pull it all back together and have a true FAMILY that gives and receives from one another.....life is tough enough...sharing the burdens are what binds many together!!!!!
Best of Luck to you..........

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sorry about your Christmas. Lots of good advice. I just want to add, rest, rest, rest. Think of what it is you want and need. Rest some more. Be good to yourself. Imagine the life you want for you and your family and how you can get there.

Approach the situation when you are calm and unemotional.

 

[solotraveler]

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

All that said, I'd have his butt in counceling or if he refused that, I'd see an attorney. Life it too short to live with someone you can't stand because of the way he treats you. Please try counseling if you can talk him into it. You need a disinterested third party.

I was thinking this when the OP first posted, but you put it into words better than I ever could.

At the heart of this, it sounds like a communication issue. You're angry, he's angry. But communication is a learned skill, so there's certainly hope that it can get better for the both of you.

I wish you luck.

 

[FayeW]

OP, I have been where you have been. Now my kids are teenagers and it is much different (mostly because they can actually feed themselves if they are hungry and DH doesn`t make anything). It is frustrating to do so much for so many and get zero appreciation for it. Here is what I figured out a few years ago, and the main reason why we are still married: If I want something done I have to open my mouth and tell him what I need. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off, doing a million things at once while he sits on his **** on the couch watching TV or playing video games makes my blood boil. So, I learned to say " I have a lot to do. Will you come and peel these potatoes" and guess what.. HE DOES IT! Usually he will make a little joke and say "Do I have to do EVERYTHING!" with a heavy dramatic sigh.

As women we get hurt and angry because we expect the people we love to treat us the way we treat them. For many of us, showing our family we love them means taking care of them, making nice meals, etc. To men, showing them we love them means a roll in the hay. They just simply don't think the way we think. Many of them are idiots. On Christmas Day, my husband did something so stupid and boneheaded that I called a friend and told her that it was quite possible that I was married to the stupidest man on the planet. What he did broke my heart because it was just thoughtless and the lack of thought hurt me very badly. He didn't do it out of malice, just thoughtlessness, and he is now very, very contrite. We'll get through it.

We also expect people to be able to see what needs to be done, and just do it. Nobody needs to tell me that I need to grocery shop, or make a meal, run the dishwasher or do laundry. If I can see these things need to be done, why can't the other 3 people who live in the house see it as well? We see it as them leaving everything for us to do, and not caring about us enough to take care of us for awhile. Step back, stop doing everything, leave him a list and let him do it. Or call him when you are at work and say " Sorry I was late leaving today and I didn't have time to do XYZ, so you will have to do it." You may have to tell him what to make for lunch, or where the baby's clothes are, but he will do it. The only reason he isn't doing it now is because you make it easy for him.

He was a gigantic turd about Christmas...especially about the breakfast. Frankly, that would be the last breakfast I prepared for him for a very long time. I am sure he will manage to feed himself.

 

[sparklynails23]

I think a couple of your points are unfair. You have to know that feeding the kids and getting them dressed on the weekends isn't the majority of the work in taking care of them. Saying that all he has to do is play with them the rest of the time is absolutely not true, and you must know this. He also probably will never do house work and raise the kids the way you would. He'll never fix your daughter's hair right, he'll never fix the kids meals the same, it just won't happen.

Also, if you are working all weekend plus some nights, and he works during the week, when do you see each other? Can't you both step down in spending and lifestyle and work less so that you can see each other a little or at least until the baby is grown?

Another point, and I know some people won't agree, but when my kids were babies, I did the majority of caring for them. DH loved them, but he didn't have the comfort level to care for an infant. As they got older, that changed, and the care taking was more even. So, for one, don't have any more babies, and two, expect that to even out more as the kids grow.

Finally, your husband does sound like he's being a jerk, especially about the Christmas present. Not only that, but it sounds like he might have given up on your marriage.

 

[FayeW]

Hey, OP, how are you doing?

 

[Docwoods]

Face it,ladies-we're all in the same play,but have different scripts.Men tend to hear what they want to hear.If you yelled "Take out the Trash now!"you'd get an"what did you say dear?".However,if you whispered from the garage"want to have sex,honey???" they'd be right there.Selective hearing.

 

[smkiya]

Hey, OP, how are you doing?

Hanging in there. I told dh to expect a letter from me today. It's the best way for me to articulate how I'm feeling. I don't want to get a divorce, I just want him to not be lazy and self-absorbed... I'll update you all with the outcome. Thanks everyone for your thoughts!

ETA- he just called and asked if I sent the letter yet... maybe there is hope.

 

[kellyg403]

Way to go OP. If being in this marriage is what you want, I think you absolutely going about it the right way. Over time I think we 'expect' our spouses to know what we are thinking, or wanting or whatever else we need. The truth is, mom's/women have an internal instinct when it comes to these things and sometimes we get offended. Sure I wish my dh would notice more things but really I am glad he notices anything! Start looking at the positives..cause I am sure there are plenty! Start working on the communication and you will have what you need!

Good luck OP...I hope 2010 is a great year for your family!

Kelly

 

[Darsa]

Wow, I wasn't on the computer from the 22nd 'til yesterday, so I missed this post when it first came up. Holy moly OP, I read your first post like this: I cannot imagine how your DH can justify acting like that towards you and his own children!

for you, and I hope that he catches a clue from your letter!!