A Big Fat ZILCH!!!! (vent)

[Bren's Mom]

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

All that said, I'd have his butt in counceling or if he refused that, I'd see an attorney. Life it too short to live with someone you can't stand because of the way he treats you. Please try counseling if you can talk him into it. You need a disinterested third party.

Very smart bear that Paddington!

 

[spacemermaid]

I was thinking a frying pan would be a good alternative.


I am so sorry you are going through this.

Yep, sounds like it's frying-pan-upside-the-head time. Sorry you're dealing with such antics, especially during the holidays.

 

[Pumbaa_]

instead of getting everything ready this weekend, make a list of what the kids need for the weekend. Offer to help him this time, but that things need to change and you need help. The days of you getting things ready for the weekend are over

and paddington has excellent points. Men do not read minds. They do not think like women think. they just handle things differently

and for him, homelife is great He doesn't see the issue. Or why you are so upset. Life is pretty darn good from his view of life.

Time to express to him what you need. Not that he does nothing, but more concrete. I need help with .....

Good luck and hope you guys can work this out before the resent wins

 

[3prettyprincesses]

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

All that said, I'd have his butt in counceling or if he refused that, I'd see an attorney. Life it too short to live with someone you can't stand because of the way he treats you. Please try counseling if you can talk him into it. You need a disinterested third party.

This is good advice.

To the OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like an unhappy situation. Try to talk it out, you may be surprised by how it could turn out. Seriously, whenever I'm annoyed with my DH, I tell him and he's 99.9% of the time surprised! Things that bother me are very different from the things that bother him. I think that as a working mom, you are probably exhausted and frustrated by his lack of help. Completely understandable. I'd feel the same way, especially if I sensed a lazy attitude too. But I would make my DH very aware that I was not pleased with him, in a non-sarcastic way too. I've learned that sarcasm hardly ever helps in a relationship situation like marriage. It also sounds like you and he are passers by in your home. Meaning you're working, he's home, he's working, your home. Relationships take time and effort, I say this kindly. If you're both just merely passing by each other, it's difficult for that relationship to flourish and very easy for even the smallest of things to annoy the heck out of you. I do agree that you seem to be doing most of the work at your home. Try talking it out and then perhaps seeing a counselor. Sometimes just letting a 3rd party hear you out really helps get to the root of things. I hope things do work out for you and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all this frustration, especially during Christmas.

 

[npmommie]

You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently.

exactly, very well said

One thing I think most of the posters here don't realize is since you are a nurse, you are used to doing things for people. You are used to making it all better. My mother is a retired RN and she is still trying to fix everything, LOL.

we are also used to being in control, taking care of things, organizing, and yes taking care of everyone.
when my first was born, if i had to leave the house for anything, just a trip to the store even, leaving baby with dh, i would leave detailed 2 page notes with instruction for hubby, he would throw them out
I learned to just step back and not try to do it all.

 

[pyrxtc]

I say put it behind you and then go to work like normal. Don't prepare food, put out clothes, pack the diaper bag. Do nothing but get everything ready for yourself to go to work. You may come home and he'll complain about all the stuff he had to do but do it again the next day, just get yourself ready. Somebody has to feed and dress these kids and he will do it if he has to. Next time you come home from work and he is watching Tv or playing on the computer do whatever opposite of what he is doing (you watch tv if he is playing the computer) and when he asks whats for dinner tell him that you don't know, you thought he was making it tonight. You were just getting time to yourself like he was and hadn't planned anything. That won't last long and he'll realize all the things you do or you'll realize that he needs some time to think ... alone ! Take a week off and go visit your mother with the kids and your hubby can fend for himself completely for the week. No maid, cook, or anything... everything for himself byt himself.

 

[Shmily1]

So sorry you didn't have an awesome Christmas.

I had a DH like that one time... he's been an ex DH for 15 years now! I figured I could be happy and broke with him or without him since he was not contributing to anything anyway!

 

[pearlieq]

Personally, I would insist on marriage counseling. If he won't agree to counseling, go yourself and start divorce proceedings.

There's no need to keep living like this a moment longer. If you're already doing everything, you really don't need him and would probably be just fine without him.

 

[The Princess]

WOW he's an idiot!!! You don't deserve to be treated like that!!! Hope that whatever you decide to do works out good for you.

 

[sunnyday123]

I'm at the point now where I don't even know if I want it to.

I was in your shoes, minus one child 6 years ago. We call him the ex-husbnad now. Maybe counselling? Is there a specific reason he resents your son or am I reading that wrong?

 

[diznygirl]

Sounds like you are a single mom already. The transition should be easy, and your home life more pleasant once you get rid of the extra baggage. Good luck.

 

[bumbershoot]

While it's nice to vent, I would like to offer some of the sincerest advice I could ever give: only discuss marriage issues with your spouse or with someone who knows and loves you both. I have seen too many marriages end because one spouse complained about the other to his/her friends, none of which knew the spouse in question, rallied to the side of the venting spouse and encouraged him/her to leave the marriage when they haven't even met the other spouse or don't really know or care about them.

I will agree with this when talking about people "in real life".

I disagree if we're talking about a venting thread or even getting advice online. I got HUGE help from absolute strangers online, when then-fiance and I were having big problems. My friends didn't want to believe the negative stuff about *me* that *I* was telling them, and his friends were way too eager to hear even more bad stuff about me! And then my friends wanted to get WAY too mad at him. So I couldn't talk about it to them, and he realized quickly that his friends just wanted their gaming partner back, their "I'll spend 1K on paintball equipment" single guy (living with his mom b/c she'd had 2 heart attacks and FIL worked 2 states away and the oldest son still wasn't totally back in their lives at that time) buddy back.

He got solo counseling, then we got couples counseling, but honestly, the people online helped a great deal. Totally neutral, called me on my crap, etc etc. Asked the *hard* questions that I wasn't being asked (until we went into couples counseling) and made me think, hard, about things.

I am saying this with total good will and sincerity:

You have to take responsibility for the relationship you are in. All the "come to Jesus" meetings in the world won't solve anything if the communication goes like it did when he asked you what you want for Christmas. You got sarcastic, he got sarcastic, and you got hurt. One of the first lessons of a happy marriage (and dealing with men generally) is say what you mean, state clearly what you want, don't expect them to pick up on hints or to read the hurt in your voice/body language. They just don't. If you'd said, "I want bowling shoes, a lottery ticket and some Swedish Fish", chances are your Christmas would have turned out differently. If you'd said, "I'll tell you what I want, but I'm offended you waited until Dec 23 to think about a gift for me" He'd know you were hurt and wouldn't have just thrown the gift cards at you.

If you want help, you have to ask for it. If you're doing too much, say so clearly and concicely. No sarcasm, no hinting, no beating around the bush. You can't change who he is- and you may not even be able to chance where the marriage is headed -but you can change your communciation style.

I also agree with that. And I say that from experience in the other way, because the whole gift-for-spouses thing is hard for me! I need my husband to tell me "this is what I want as a gift". We just had another convo about this the other day, when he suddenly talked about how jealous he was at how many gifts DS was getting, and he was only getting blah blah. He only knew of one gift...I had picked him up a surprise gift (under 10 bucks) that he didn't know about but did want...but suddenly was acting like he wanted way more. If he wants xyz, I have to KNOW that, so that there's even a chance of his getting xyz (I'm the one who budgets the money). But first he said "I just want the amount of debt we've paid since summer printed out as a gift", then he said "I want these headphones"...and then 2 days before, a bigger list comes out. Augh.

(adding in...ended up, this was pretty much his best yule/xmas in his life. not because he got thousands of gifts, but because I made him a new-new stocking by hand (with his help, he's better with the machine but I'm better with the hand sewing stuff to personalize it), I got him that extra goody, I filled his stocking, and so on. it was lovely to have him have such a wonderful day.)



And then with me, I find the spouse-gift thing ridiculous, b/c unless you have equal incomes and separate accounts, the "gifts" are being paid for from the household funds anyway! It just seems silly.

So, if DH had given me leftover giftcards, I would have been HAPPY, b/c that's less money coming out of our household budget. I know it's not usual for a female to feel this way...but at least it gives me knowledge of the "other" side.




Counseling is good. Even if he's not ready yet, counseling for YOU is good. It can help give you ways to talk in non-threatening ways to him. It gives you things to think about.


MaryJo said a good thing, the question of can you live with this for the next 20+ years.

I'll say another thing that made all the difference for me/us. It's something that isn't a sound-bite, you have to think about it. You have to already be working on yourself with a view to helping hubby see that he could work on himself, it takes a future view to BOTH of you getting counseling.

And it's...if you have to deal with things being bad for 1, 2, 5 years...but at the end of that, things will be good for the rest of your lives together...is that worth it to you?

For us, that was worth it. From my experience, there are relatively few couples who jump into counseling and come out of it SO different, and really make things better than they were before. For us, having that really rotten year before DH (then fiance) moved out, then having a nasty summer of him getting counseling to get his head put on straight, me wondering if I'd take him back, etc etc etc...and then the occasional bounceback into "ooh we need to go back to our counseling" days...is worth it. The good 2 years of bad is worth what's going on now.

But of course you never know how things will shake out.



Like others, I'm exhausted just reading about all you do. And I don't work outside the house! You need to not do so much (and perhaps remind him that you both work 40 hour weeks, even if you are in the home more because you get your work done faster (my stepmom is a NICU nurse and a shift nurse...she now works one weekend and that's it...but it's a LONG weekend!)). He *needs* to do more.

I wish you luck.

 

[Carly_Roach]

It seems to me that if you are doing everything, then why have him around?

 

[jenrose66]

I tend to have the same issue with my DH. Not as bad as your situation...he got me something for christmas. But with the kids and housework...it sounds like my life...it also took him 11 months to really bond with 2nd DS and start to be more involved with him...that was a really trying time.

Anyway it's always the same argument...we both work why do I do everything, that is poison for a marriage.

The problem is now a days that both spouses work. Women can't do everything. Stupid woman's movement...we're now supposed to not only be super moms, wife of the year, and housekeeper...we need to work outside the home and contribute an income...yet the role of the man hasn't really changed.

I told my DH flat out...I can't do everything...I'm depressed, I'm tired and I'm spread too thin. We took a good look at our finances...found some stuff we can cut back on and I'll be giving my notice at my job after my next paycheck (we need to pay off christmas).

It's not going to be easy but we are willing to make the sacrifice. If that is truly not possible in your situation I would suggest marriage counseling.

 

[Disney Doll]

It sounds very one sided. He sounds like he doesn't really care. I think you need marriage counselling. If he won't go, go yourself so you can have a professional assist you with your problem.

And get a handle on your financial situation now...copies of income tax returns, paycheck stubs, credit cards, loans etc.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If my dh said, "you get them ready while I take a shower", I would have a conversation about it.

Now maybe you are not speaking with him when stuff like this happens because of many reasons. I would have to say that your communication skills need to be enhanced. If you need to sort some stuff out with a neutral party a counselor is the way to go.

Or maybe you did say something to him?

You have a 6month old and I am not going to lie that sometimes men will take advantage of it. Changing your communication with him could help. Bring both of you to the same level.

 

[quentina]

You need to stop enabling the behavior. I am married for 15 years. For 10 of these years, my husband crawled into bed, took his socks off and threw them on the floor next to the bed. For 10 years, I picked those socks up. One day, I had it. I stopped picking them up.

So, 30 socks are piled on the floor and one day he runs out. He says....I don't have any socks. I say, sure you do, there on the floor next to the bed.

Now, through the years, I did make comments about picking them up, just didn't happen.

I no longer pick up the socks, they are with the rest of the dirty clothes.

I wish you well OP, I hope you guys can work this out. Please do not give up without trying. Sometimes, marriage is alot of hard work however, the benefits are great.

 

[babytrees]

I agree with what everyone else has said.

But I guess I'm going to be the odd one here and say, you have some part in this. Quite honestly, you do WAY too much. While he takes full ownership for his poor behavior, you've also helped to enable by trying to make up for where he lacks. Just reading what you do makes me want to go to bed for a few hours. Sometimes when people have very high expectations of what they think they need to do and how things should be, it puts pressure on those around them and they can "rebel" in other ways. Believe me, I'm NOT giving your husband a pass but WOW I think you do a LOT.

ITA!!

My husband (hopefully soon to be ex) is the same as the OP's and I was the OP doing so much....too much. Once I stopped covering his butt for everything and slowed down in what I did, it was obvious to everybody (except him and his family because they are the ones who raised him to be this was) how much I really was doing. I still do a ton but it doesn't compare to what I did in the past.

Slow down OP and enjoy your kiddos in the here and now because the teenage years are only a blink away.

 

[Disneylover79]

I am an RN and I feel your pain...please take a step back and think about what you want in life.... feel free to PM me if you need to

 

[tazdev3225]

I can't offer much except to say I'm sorry you are going through this. Doing nothing for a weekend probably won't do much to change the situation since he goes to his mother's house. You need to decide what is right for you. My DD is in a similar situation except her whatever he is won't marry her yet. They have a house they are buying together, have 3 children 5 and under and are under an enormous financial burden. She works 6 days a week and then has to come home and take care of the kids. She can't save any money on food because he is very picky and will not eat a leftover. He yells if the house is a mess and throws a tantrum. he is a supervisor of a big meat processing plant and is paid barely above minimum wage and he sees nothing wrong with this because he got a lot of free things for Christmas as gifts. In his defense he is a hands on dad but usually teaches the kids how to play his computer games. I actually had to go over several times because he couldn't deal with the baby's crying when she was first born. Before the flames hit he was threatening to throw her through a wall and I only lived around the corner. I would get her to calm down and all was well. She still screams when I leave and she is left with him. He deals with it better now. My DH and my other 2 kids have talked to her about his behavior but she loves him and sees nothing wrong with it. She also becomes very defensive and sticks up for him.
OP my DD is content with this life, you clearly aren't or you wouldn't be on here. See a counselor - marriage or individual- and then make an informed decision. If you love him and want to stay with him do it. If there are things that need work, do what you can. I have been married 28 years amd I take my DH to the store and point out what I want and in what colors. I would even take gift cards. It beats the earlier presents when he bought me size
2X sweaters, I took a medium. Good luck and sometimes a good vent is good for a person It clears the head. I pay someone every week for that.