Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[TipsyTraveler]

This is kind of how I saw things going down when mom brought the idea p to me yesterday. And Mrs. Homie and I will either drive down there ourselves or rent a car; I refuse to rely on them for transportation. And I honestly don't think my mom and stepdad want to be together morning, noon and night, either.

Why are you still including your wife in this trip? No. Just no. She has very valid reasons for not wanting to be a part of this and that needs to be respected.

Here's the thing with toxic, abusive, controlling, and/or manipulative people... It's very easy to learn to accept those behaviors, or not even notice them, when it's what you've grown up with and is all you've ever known. Sometimes it takes someone with an outsider's perspective to see how bad things truly are. You said your mother treats you differently than your brother (look up the golden child/scapegoat dynamic), your wife has said your mother 'walks all over you,' and you describe your mother's behavior as histrionic. I think your wife sees how toxic this situation is far more clearly than you do. Ill-advised trip to Disney aside, you need to sit down with your wife and listen to her concerns about the dynamic in general, take some time to try to look at the situation objectively, consider if a therapist might be helpful, and establish some firm boundaries going forward for the relationship between you/your wife and your mother. Maintaining the status quo will do nothing to improve the situation.

 

[jt'smom]

See, it's possible to have a polite and edifying conversation with my mom. Just don't mention any of the three M's: Muslims (they're going to enforce Sharia Law in Riverton, Illinois some day and her granddaughters are going to have to wear burqas to school), Mexicans (they're taking our jobs!), or Marijuana (reefer madness will take over the country and the roads will be filled with crazed stoners who are too baked to drive!).

First off, you and my husband obviously are brothers, so why haven't I met you at family gatherings, LOL?

Second, and I say this as kindly as possible, nope nope and nope. After a grueling week in a beachfront condo with my inlaws, listening to similar nonsense, I would rather eat dog poop than ever have to endure that again. Seriously. A wife can only be expected to take so much. Be happy that she is cordial to your mother, and leave it at that!

 

[jevs]

It sounds like the trip would end in tears.

I would politely decline the offer

 

[rastahomie]

First off, you and my husband obviously are brothers, so why haven't I met you at family gatherings, LOL?

Melissa, is that you?

 

[Nettester]

Wow, I'm very surprised at how negative everyone is responding. I can be in the company of people I completely disagree with, and who I do not "like" and it isn't going to ruin my moment, my day, or change who I am as a person. Unless that person is at that moment being rude, mean or insulting, if any of those 5% instances come up, then I would be honest and upfront about my uncomfortableness, ask for it to stop, or perhaps excuse myself and spouse from the meal or whatever activity, take a break and maybe meet up again later. If MIL has been rude, out-of-line, or has personally insulted, snubbed, or slighted either of you? I would suggest to your mom that there is some mending that needs to be done if there's to be a chance you both will be interested in going on the trip with them. If you want to go, you should go. Spouse would have my support in choosing to stay home. Just because people are married doesn't mean all travel and vacations have to be together. It doesn't mean you don't support your wife and respect her feelings.

 

[gotomu212]

Kind of ironic that so many people here are saying "A judgmental person isn't a good person", but by saying that without even knowing her, who's the one being judgmental??? I'm not saying she's a good or bad person, I don't know her. Everyone is entitled to their views. Doesn't mean you have to like them or agree. There are racist white people, racist Mexican people, racist Asians, on and on. Not all of them are bad people, though their particular view on race may be reprehensible to us. And in no way, shape or form am I saying that's right or wrong. My point is it's her choice. Doesn't make her a horrible, awful person. I know people like that, and regardless of what I think about some of their views, I still think they are good people at heart. I know plenty of people who I like, but maybe I despise their religious views...or their view on guns...or politics. But everything else about them, I like. Doesn't make them a bad person. I'll bet most of you have people like that you know and/or like..

I just had to respond to this because I know a lot of people that have different views and opinions on policies and religions and we respect each other and get along fine. I do NOT under any circumstances have friends that express racist or sexist opinions that judge people only by the color of their skin, ethnicity, or gender. It's not a "view on race" it's a view that someone of a certain race has attributes (negatively) that apply to everyone of that race. It's hateful and it has no place around me. Again if anyone makes a racist comment around me I'm going to speak up and say it's offensive and then I'm leaving the room/area.

I am flabbergasted that people are saying we need to have tolerance for racist views.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes, gardening managed to set them off on a political rant. It is truly a miserable situation we avoid as often as humanly possible.

Was it about flying tomatoes?

 

[sk!mom]

I read your short version and thought- Heck yes! Sign me up.

But since I knew there must be much more and it might be really interesting, I read on. And...No, nope, no way!

I was raised in a fundamentalist, evangelical, judgmental religion. I have come to view it as cultlike although it is quite main stream. I had to draw some firm boundaries with family and friends regarding it. Those who respect my boundaries are still in my life. I have very limited contact with those who do not.

If your mom doesn't respect your wife and lifestyle enough to keep her views to herself, no way would I go on vacation with her.

 

[fly girl]

OP, I get how even though she can be racist and judgemental, she's still your mom. Yeah, she has some not so good traits, but you look past them because she has good ones too. If she was awful all the time I doubt you'd even consider this vacation.

That said, she's not your wife's mom. And I can understand her not wanting to ruin a great destination like WDW. If you all wound up going and it was a complete disaster, you'd never live it down. Women are so good at never letting things die. ( )

Make sure your wife knows it wouldn't be a 24/7 togetherness vacation. Let her mull it over for a few days. If she is adamant, then maybe you could go solo.

Good luck. Family ... they can bring out the worst in us!

 

[Nancyg56]

I wouldn't vacation with a racist, or someone who was unkind (or judgemental) to my spouse, or someone who truly believes that their religion makes them much better than everyone else.
I'd save my money for a happy vacation with my spouse and not invite the unwelcome drama.

Family vacations are hard enough when everyone likes each other.

Don't do it.

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

That 5% of the time would not be okay with me. How could I be sure her 5% woudl be I he own room, locked in he bathroom without anyone, especially me, in earshot? Nope. I knwo Mom loves you but she clearly is not willing to make concessions in how she behaves in the company of the two of you.

See, it's possible to have a polite and edifying conversation with my mom. Just don't mention any of the three M's: Muslims (they're going to enforce Sharia Law in Riverton, Illinois some day and her granddaughters are going to have to wear burqas to school), Mexicans (they're taking our jobs!), or Marijuana (reefer madness will take over the country and the roads will be filled with crazed stoners who are too baked to drive!).

Well, Disney is going to be a challenge for your Mom as well as anyoen with her. Most of the mouse-keepers are foreign born and many ae not bilingual. Disney welcomes everyone, ad you will see plenty of people who "dress funny". Burkas, saris etc are common, as are many other outdside acknowledgements of ones religious or ethnic background. I also bet your Mom has little or no tolerance for the LGBT community, and if she runs into one of "them" she may find herself hard pressed to keep he opinion to herself.

Stoners? I don't smoke anything but I am pretty up in the air in Disney. I might be taken for a token up ninny.

Nope. Of all vacation destinations to choose, you are discussing a trip to one of the most diverse vacation destinations that I know of. No one there, not a housekeeper, server, bus driver, concierge or guest deserves to have their day impacted in a negative manner because your Mom has opinions, (although if we could find enough "Americans" to do some of these jobs we would not be trying so hard to bring people in on guest worker visas) and I would flat out refuse to put myself or anyone else in her path.

Wow, I'm very surprised at how negative everyone is responding. I can be in the company of people I completely disagree with, and who I do not "like" and it isn't going to ruin my moment, my day, or change who I am as a person. Unless that person is at that moment being rude, mean or insulting, if any of those 5% instances come up, then I would be honest and upfront about my uncomfortableness, ask for it to stop, or perhaps excuse myself and spouse from the meal or whatever activity, take a break and maybe meet up again later. If MIL has been rude, out-of-line, or has personally insulted, snubbed, or slighted either of you? I would suggest to your mom that there is some mending that needs to be done if there's to be a chance you both will be interested in going on the trip with them. If you want to go, you should go. Spouse would have my support in choosing to stay home. Just because people are married doesn't mean all travel and vacations have to be together. It doesn't mean you don't support your wife and respect her feelings.

I think if Mom was willing to wrap it up on this vacation, the OP woudl have said, Mom knows that her opinions and behavior make my wife uncomfortable and has agreed to dial it down for the week we are together. If not, given that DIsney is so diverse and would either be a bigots paradise in regards to getting to voice all thos opinions, or a nightmare if the bigot get muzzled.
I agree that if the OP wants to go with his parents, I woudl fully support that as his spouse, but I would nto go. I would rather chew glass and die.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Vacations tend to bring out the worst in relationships. People get tired and stressed. Add December to that, when people are stressed about the holidays. Also it's the month after the election, and since people are already on edge about that, I can't imagine the country will settle down that quickly after the election. You didn't say if you share your parents' political views, but with everything else stressing your relationship, I'd be surprised if you're in total agreement with whichever candidate they favor.

Even if you bury the hatchet (and not in each other's skulls) between now and then, don't plan on WDW being the happiest place on earth for so much time spent together with people who aren't 100% ideologically in synch with each other.

We've vacationed with my side of the family, and several times with DH's family. My family shared a huge cabin and it was like rats in a cage. We cruised with DH's side of the family, and even with separate staterooms and everyone doing their own thing during the day then meeting up just for dinner, it still caused some conflicts every now and then.

 

[Nancyg56]

Vacations tend to bring out the worst in relationships. People get tired and stressed. Add December to that, when people are stressed about the holidays. Also it's the month after the election, and since people are already on edge about that, I can't imagine the country will settle down that quickly after the election. You didn't say if you share your parents' political views, but with everything else stressing your relationship, I'd be surprised if you're in total agreement with whichever candidate they favor.

Even if you bury the hatchet (and not in each other's skulls) between now and then, don't plan on WDW being the happiest place on earth for so much time spent together with people who aren't 100% ideologically in synch with each other.

We've vacationed with my side of the family, and several times with DH's family. My family shared a huge cabin and it was like rats in a cage. We cruised with DH's side of the family, and even with separate staterooms and everyone doing their own thing during the day then meeting up just for dinner, it still caused some conflicts every now and then.

WE vacation as a large extended family when we go to Disney and we all share rooms. We like Deluxe and we like dining so we commit a lot of money. We would never do this and certainly not so closely together if I could not be sure that thee woudl be mutual respect and a lot of consideration for each other. The first time someone was rude to someone in the group or disrespectful to anyone of the CM's or other guests, would be the last time they came with us. We do not all stay together all day, and many times after we all head out to the park we just meet for meals.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Kind of ironic that so many people here are saying "A judgmental person isn't a good person", but by saying that without even knowing her, who's the one being judgmental??? I'm not saying she's a good or bad person, I don't know her. Everyone is entitled to their views. Doesn't mean you have to like them or agree. There are racist white people, racist Mexican people, racist Asians, on and on. Not all of them are bad people, though their particular view on race may be reprehensible to us. And in no way, shape or form am I saying that's right or wrong. My point is it's her choice. Doesn't make her a horrible, awful person. I know people like that, and regardless of what I think about some of their views, I still think they are good people at heart. I know plenty of people who I like, but maybe I despise their religious views...or their view on guns...or politics. But everything else about them, I like. Doesn't make them a bad person. I'll bet most of you have people like that you know and/or like.

For me, the answer to your question has nothing to do with your mother being a racist or judgmental. It simply has to do with the fact that your wife doesn't like her. Going to dinner is one thing. Spending days or a week in Disney is something entirely different. I absolutely wouldn't go on the trip. Nobody will have fun, and I think it would just be stressful. If by saying no, your mother is going to blow up your relationship, then that's really out of your control.

I have no qualms about judging people, but I judge them on their words and actions -- things they choose and control. I have no respect for people who would judge others on things they can't control (race, gender...) based on beliefs about inferiority that are simply not true. And if there is an aspect of someone's character that I consider to be reprehensible, then yes, that makes them a bad person in my book. I don't care if someone is only a pedophile 5% of the time, that's enough to make them a horrible, awful person as far as I'm concerned, and I want nothing to do with them. For me, the same goes for racism. It's another vile behavior I don't want to associate with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I just have to say this... A WDW vacation, or any vacation, is just NOT the place or time or way to 'hash things out'.
If things need hashed out, they need to be hashed out between the OP and his wife in a counselor's office.

I still agree with everybody else.
Unless I am comfortable in somebody else's company, I am NOT, vacationing with them.

It sounds like the OP has been raised in this 'norm', and does not see the level and complexity of what is going on.
It sounds as if, because of this, he has not 'been there', and is very passive with his mother, and has not really had his wife's back when when these situations happen.

He states that his wife has been polite and civil...
He is lucky and blessed!!!
If he wants this to continue, I would very very very strongly admonish him to 1. not pressure her to travel with his mom, 2. to respect her feelings, and 3. let his spouse know that, no matter what, he will be there for her, put her first, and, as a man, not let anyone treat her with disrespect

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: About traveling, and judgemental people....
I am kind of researching a possible future vacation trip.
Just, today, read an online review about a full-day excursion where it was an Asian amily who was upset to find that this would be them, and a family who were described very, very, very negatively as inbred, Southern, fundamental Christians, who must be voting for TRUMP.

These people even engaged in political argument, while on a wonderful vacation experience!!!!!

OMG!!!!

I could not, for the life of me, imagine spending ONE HOUR with such a person, much less one full day, or god-forbid, a WEEK, with such a narrow minded and horrible person.

I think I would want to jump off the catamaran and start swimming back.

Sorry, but a vacation is NOT the time to hash out serious issues and different life views and judgements.

 

[MariMama]

Probably. Mom can be a histrionic drama queen.

Not just no, but hell no. Listen to your very wise wife. I don't tolerate drama queens and I'm assuming your wife is the same way.

 

[CarolAnn856]

OP, I get that you really want to go, and I get that you get along with your mom despite her faults. The thing is, though, your wife does not. In the grand scheme of things, do you really want to make your wife miserable just so you can go to WDW?

You keep coming back to defend your mom to the posters here, and I get the feeling that you are hoping someone, anyone will agree with you and justify why you should accept you parents' offer. But here's the thing...none of us are your wife, and SHE is the one who needs to be 100% on board. And let's face it, that isn't likely to happen.

Put your wife first in this case. I think that not wanting to deal with a racist, holier-than-thou for a week trumps your wish to visit a theme park.

 

[pigletto]

I couldn't say no to this offer loud enough or fast enough. I would run so fast from the suggestion I would have to mail a postcard to say "NO, thank you."
It just a bad idea.

 

[Poohforyou]

If my mil was a condescending racist "Christian" even 1% of the time I wouldn't except a trip from her either. I'd tell my dh to go if he wanted but I wouldn't be condoning that kind of behavior by accepting gifts from her.

You're right, everyone has faults. I personally draw the line at the faults I'm willing to overlook.

 

[Hikergirl]

No way would I go away with someone I didn't like, especially on their dime.