Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[rastahomie]

OP, haven't you posted before about your mother saying nasty things to you about your lack of religion? Or do I have you mixed up with someone else? My apologies if I do.

Nope, that was me, lol.

 

[mom2rtk]

No way would I go on that trip, let alone drag along a reluctant partner. Even if you all managed to have a good time without incident on the trip (unlikely), your mother would hold her generosity and your acceptance of it over your & your wife's heads forever after.

You need to stop smoking weed & tuning things out, and start taking charge of your own life. You can do it . If you want go with your wife to Disney World, you need to find a way to finance it yourselves.

Just because it bears repeating.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You sound just like her.

If there is any truth to that comment, at all...
Then I will re-emphasize everything that I mentioned in my previous posts.

This is NOT a 'nice old lady'.
You need a more truthful and objective view of this situation with your mother.
Your wife is right.
You need to respect your wife, and take a good hard look at any possibility of forcing/subjecting your wife to have to deal with this on any trip. Ever.

And, I will take a phrase from another recent poster... Maybe quit smoking so much weed, which sounds like an effort to withdraw and not deal with the situation...

 

[CarolAnn856]

Nope, that was me, lol.

If your wife is not religious, then what your mother has said to/about you in that regard has been said about your wife, too.

 

[ronandannette]

LOL, I should have thought about that before I posted.

I also should have been clear that my mother has never said an unkind word to, or about, my wife. It's the way she treats me that my wife has a problem with.

Again, take it from an uptight church lady - we can't help but have expectations (hopes, dreams) for our own kids that we'd never project onto anybody else. We also maybe feel a little freer to express those thoughts to our own kids, since presumably you're already well aware of how your mother thinks and feels. Her greatest offence against your wife is very likely the "thought crime" of nebulous disapproval, even if she never, ever expresses it and your wife is also probably defensive on your behalf even when you are not particularly perturbed. Not sure if you do this, but if you routinely ***** to your wife about your mom, maybe consider stopping that if you ever want your wife to feel more kindly disposed towards her. Same thing with your mom - never use her as a sounding board for complaints about your wife. Again, this is really general advice and I don't mean to imply that it's your practise.

 

[Wishing on a star]

In my book, as a spouse/family... NOBODY disrespects my spouse or my kid(s) like that.
NOT Okay... EVER.
It does not matter if, according to you, she has not very specifically made such comments towards your wife. Not at all. Point is moot.... She made that comment about her spouse, whom she loves. (as well as speaking negatively about some life-views and convictions that are important to your wife.)

This situation sounds very dysfunctional and toxic.
You have not been blessed with children... But, think about it... If I had a child, and they were EVER to witness anyone talking about their dad/mom like that.... OMG....
That is the turning point.
Time to open one's eyes and make a change.

( BTDT.... )

 

[Wishing on a star]

Now, don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel. Let it out...

Just to lighten up this thread a little bit.
Funny!!! hahaha!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, you asked for our opinions.
And, guess what...
Most every single poster here is in agreement.
Here on the DIS, that says a lot!!!!!

You continue to try to defend your mother as 'not that bad'.
Seems like you continue to hope to find somebody to pat you on the back and tell you that your wife should go on the trip 'on your behalf'.
Not happening.

I am just not so sure that you are really able to listen or to get that message.

 

[barkley]

In my book, as a spouse/family... NOBODY disrespects my spouse or my kid(s) like that.
NOT Okay... EVER.
It does not matter if, according to you, she has not very specifically made such comments towards your wife. Not at all. Point is moot.... She made that comment about her spouse, whom she loves.

This situation sounds very dysfunctional and toxic.
You have not been blessed with children... But, think about it... If I had a child, and they were EVER to witness anyone talking about their dad/mom like that.... OMG....
That is the turning point.
Time to open one's eyes and make a change.

( BTDT.... )

same train of thought here-and dh and I put it into practice EARLY in our marriage.

one of my adult in-laws would speak horrifically to his father and treat him with tremendous disrespect. after the first couple of family get-togethers I told dh no way I wanted to be around it and when we had kids there was NO WAY ON EARTH I would let them be exposed to it. dh agreed and we limited our exposure/didn't allow our kids to be exposed to it.

I remember telling dh when I was first exposed to it how i was willing to bet that the offensive family member was going to find in later years with his own kids that they would end up treating HIM in the same disrespectful manner b/c that was what he had modeled to them as the manner in which an adult man behaves towards their father. sure enough now those kids are grown up and the in-law can't figure out why his kids speak to him in the identical manner (and sadly it's likely passing on down to the next generation who have similarly witnessed it all of their young lives).

 

[Paula Sedley-Burke]

I would never accept this. If your Mom really wanted a vacation for you and your wife then why not pay for it and not come. Everything comes with conditions. This has already begun with them coming. Don't do it your wife will loose respect for you that is not worth it. I would rather take a tent and stay at FW myself. I bet your wife would love that more.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I find it completely alien for parents to pay for vacations for grown, married children. I would politely refuse the offer and tell your Mom that you can pay for your own vacation and will choose the time and location. In your circumstance i think this will be a breeding ground for conflict.
If you do go pay for your own vacation and just meet up with the parental unit for meals or something.

 

[Bluestars]

LOL, I should have thought about that before I posted.

I also should have been clear that my mother has never said an unkind word to, or about, my wife. It's the way she treats me that my wife has a problem with.

It sounds like you have a wonderful wife who appreciates you and doesn't like to see you treated unkindly. If my mother was the way you described your mother and I really wanted to go on vacation with her, I would not try to convince my spouse to go along too. I would go without my spouse, as long as it didn't bother him, or not go at all. It's one thing to tolerate someone you dislike at family events, but a completely different thing when you have to vacation with people you dislike. That's not fun for anyone. It sounds like your wife knows her limits in tolerance, which is probably why she isn't fully onboard with this vacation. I would not take a vacation with my spouse if I knew my spouse didn't want to go.

 

[manning]

Only read the first page. Perhaps a suggestion that you need the money and They give the money they would spend for Pop Century would be a big help and most appreciated.

If your wife do it be nice to her.

I'm part German and and she Polish. Her parents got caught in WW2 and were not treated very well by the Germans. When she found out her daughter was marrying me she went ballistic. One date she wanted her back in an hour. Needless to say we had words. Her father comes into the room and said something to mom in polish. My wife said let's go. Boy I'm in real trouble now .I Asked what he said, it was ' shut up and quit causing trouble'.

OK, enough of that useless info. I always treated MIL nice and boy....it drove her nuts!!

 

[CarolAnn856]

I find it completely alien for parents to pay for vacations for grown, married children.

Really? I know many families where older parents happily spring for vacations for their adult children and their families. Sometimes it's to celebrate a milestone anniversary or birthday, and sometimes it's just out of generocity. It tends to be a cycle, as that had been done for them when they were the middle generation.

 

[gotomu212]

That's a very nice soapbox you have there. Build it yourself?

I don't recall saying you have to like it, tolerate it, or agree with it. If you can find those words, by all means let me know. I was referring to making a judgment on the OPs mother. He went out of his way to say there are so many wonderful things about her. I may not like, agree or tolerate the "5%" of the racist in her...and for the record, so we're all clear, I WOULD NOT. However, my whole point is I'm also not going to sit here and call her a horrible, awful person. My grandparents, who grew up Jewish in the 1930s and 1940s, had some views that would be considered "racist" in todays world. You really think I'm going to call them horrible people? I lived in and around Philly the first 42 years of my life. Now I've been in Atlanta for 2 years. I know people, both black and white, who grew up here in the 1950s. Their views are very different than mine, but they're not bad people.

I am flabbergasted that so many people are so self righteous and rush to blanket judgment so quickly.

And this is where we'll just have to disagree. If after being told that your racist views are repugnant and have no place in civil society and you CONTINUE to make those comments, I think you are cruel and horrible. People can be educated, people's hearts can change- but if I say "hey mom when you say those things about x people it really hurts me and more importantly it really hurts them, it's untrue and you can't treat people like that"...and she looks at me and continues to voice racist comments she has made a choice that it's okay to hurt me, other people, and has zero excuse for her behavior. I would no longer say that's a kind loving person.

PS a soapbox is a place to publicly air your views- the whole point of a community message board (but hey thanks for trying to denigrate my zero tolerance policy towards racism).

 

[Seahorse17]

I say go on the trip! If it gets bad, just leave and go home. But I would at least give my mother a chance.

 

[Planogirl]

I'm unclear about something. What kind of racist things does she say? I only saw that she apparently has an issue with you not being religious but I don't see anything else. If it's just the religion thing I could talk volumes about a certain in-law that had that attitude. The only difference is she decided that she wanted nothing to do with us. Her loss.

 

[MariMama]

LOL, I should have thought about that before I posted.

I also should have been clear that my mother has never said an unkind word to, or about, my wife. It's the way she treats me that my wife has a problem with.

Unless you're glued to your wife's side when she's with your mother, you have no idea what is said when you're not present.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

Now I miss my mom.


Oh wait...

 

[kimblebee]

Unless you're glued to your wife's side when she's with your mother, you have no idea what is said when you're not present.

And, you also don't know what's being said about your wife when your mom is around neither one of you.

Coming from someone who's BIL has poisoned loooots of people's attitudes towards her..