Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[Wishing on a star]

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental,

.... more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever,

... Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. .... "thanks but no thanks."

Let me address the original post more clearly and directly...
About the first comment, above... Your spouse does not HAVE to 'like' your parents. That should not be 'expected'.
About the second comment.. NOT flattering, to say the least... really... don't know how else to say it.
About the third comment... Not sure how you could expect your spouse to like, and/or want to travel with, somebody when this is the history. I can understand how your wife might have a problem if you have just accepted and expected that it was okay for your mother to treat her in this way.... It might be 'the norm', for you. But def. not acceptable to your wife. To you, regarding your mother, this might be 'just how she is'... But that does not absolve you from demonstrating respect for your wife's wishes and protecting her from inappropriate behaviors.
About the last comment... You need to respect your wife's wishes. If there is anyway that you can spend some time with your mother while your wife has some solo time at home, then this might be a good option.

 

[gotomu212]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

You know not to pile on your mom but TO ME 5% racist is a deal breaker. Yes I understand there are different generalities that older generations have but I couldn't tolerate hearing a single racist thing from anyone and not responding with "you know Mary that's really offensive to me". It also sounds like your mom is really disrespectful towards your wife's religious choices. I don't know why you would want to ask your spouse to suffer through someone's disrespect while biting her tongue for a vacation.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Be eternally grateful for your in-laws. I would twist my arm off to be able to engage in anything resembling a pleasant conversation with mine. They are very rabid about their political ideologies and entirely judgmental about everything else, literally everything. Discussing the weather can't carry you through dinner. Books, TV, movies, music, sports, gardening, you name it, will earn you a litany of criticism and complaints and lectures that you either have to decide to listen to, or attempt to politely inform them you don't wish to discuss it.

Yes, gardening managed to set them off on a political rant. It is truly a miserable situation we avoid as often as humanly possible.

I am eternally grateful for my in laws. I know not everyone is nearly so lucky.
My father in law can be difficult, but he'll bite his tongue if we make it clear we are not going to just listen to his opinions without him then listening to ours in return, so best to avoid topics like politics.
And there was an ongoing situation in which my youngest was left out of several trips 8first time was "not enough space so a different kd will miss each year but all will go" which we later found out there was exgtra space and non family memebers on and it was very hurtful---but we chose to move past it and foster good relationships and are fortunate that it has worked out.

 

[wenrob]

I think that married people don't have to always like and spend time with the same people, family or not.

If op likes his parents, and wants to spend time with them at Disneyworld, then he should go.

If SHE doesn't want to go, then she should stay home. I totally support that choice given the details shared.

But I don't think the wife should tell the husband HE can't go, just because SHE doesn't want to.

In addition to our family trip, my DH and I each take a trip (finances permitting) on our own every other year. I'm fine with him going off on his own but what I wouldn't be okay with is if he were to go somewhere I really love without me, especially it we couldn't otherwise afford a vacation together. I think each spouse has to take the others feelings into consideration and where possible compromise but if I felt really strongly about not going and he went without me, right or wrong it would change my view of him a little bit.

 

[Owlpost23]

5% racist??? That's like being 5% pregnant-you either are or you aren't.Skip the vacation.

 

[rastahomie]

They would stay at Fort Wilderness, and you would stay at Pop. I think that sounds like a good amount of separation. You can always have quiet evenings or space to have breaks apart. I would not flatly decline. I'd probably talk to mom, have a chat just the 2 of you, I mean. And ask her how she envisions the 4 of you touring together. If she is insistent that you be together morning to evening, all meals, all rides and attractions, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. But if they are more flexible and low key about it, that's much better. For example, if she's thinking you can have breakfast, do a few attractions together, and then split up to have some time for everyone to get to do things the whole group would not enjoy, and then meeting up later, I think it could work just fine.

This is kind of how I saw things going down when mom brought the idea p to me yesterday. And Mrs. Homie and I will either drive down there ourselves or rent a car; I refuse to rely on them for transportation. And I honestly don't think my mom and stepdad want to be together morning, noon and night, either.

 

[jbcheerchick93]

I'm with your wife. No way in hell would I be going with someone who is racist and mean, even if it's not "all of the time". Your wife just plain does not want to go and would NOT enjoy herself if you and your mom guilted her into it. It seems like you already know the answer that we are going to give and are trying to justify mom's behavior. Sorry, but there is no excuse for someone who favors your brother over you and is outright racist. What kind of comments is she going to make when she goes to WDW and sees same sex parents, interracial families, people who don't "fit" with the status quo? That would completely ruin a vacation for me.

 

[rastahomie]

Discussing the weather can't carry you through dinner. Books, TV, movies, music, sports, gardening, you name it, will earn you a litany of criticism and complaints and lectures that you either have to decide to listen to, or attempt to politely inform them you don't wish to discuss it.

See, it's possible to have a polite and edifying conversation with my mom. Just don't mention any of the three M's: Muslims (they're going to enforce Sharia Law in Riverton, Illinois some day and her granddaughters are going to have to wear burqas to school), Mexicans (they're taking our jobs!), or Marijuana (reefer madness will take over the country and the roads will be filled with crazed stoners who are too baked to drive!).

 

[cedricandsophie]

Speaking from a wife's perspective..never. The feeling of obligation for the trip to a Woman I can barely be in the same room with would be unbearable. And sorry, but racist and judgmental do not go with a kind and loving woman. So one of those perceptions is way off and I'm guessing it's the kind and loving part. Sounds to me like she can turn on the sweetness when she wants to, and based in my own family situation, when it suits her and she can manipulate.

If I were the wife, I'd happily send you without me and take a trip on my own with girlfriends. And if mother in law is going to be vindictive and hateful because either your wife or both of you don't come, then why would you ever want to be around her? Sorry that sounds harsh but life is just too short to let an unpleasant bossy woman dictate to you. Kindness and being pleasant all the time is way more important than blood or genes.

 

[pryncess527]

This is kind of how I saw things going down when mom brought the idea p to me yesterday. And Mrs. Homie and I will either drive down there ourselves or rent a car; I refuse to rely on them for transportation. And I honestly don't think my mom and stepdad want to be together morning, noon and night, either.

Then I might give your wife time to sit on the idea a bit.
I said in a previous post that I would never, in a million years, vacation with my MIL -- but then I remembered we had a Destination Wedding ;p And I did not attempt to exclude my mother-in-law from that, so in reality, she spent a week with us in Italy. A lot of consideration was given to the sleeping arrangements so that neither my DH nor I would strangle her. And it helped that WE were the hosts, not her, so she did not approach the trip from her usual stance of control . . .
But, my point is we survived, precisely because we had enough space and the trip was unstructured enough to allow us that space. Maybe in another week or two, you can bring this up to your wife again, with the separate cars & sleeping arrangements at the forefront of the discussion (and maybe a few suggestions for a dinner or two alone, better idea of how much time you'd be around your parents, etc) and she might be more open to considering it. I would also be more open to it if I were responsible for a portion of the costs, I've grown wary of free things in my old age.
Good luck!

 

[Bluestars]

I would let your wife make the final decision. Personally, I would never ever go on a vacation with a judgmental racist, even if it was a family member. That sounds miserable and I would never subject my spouse to that behavior on a vacation.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

This thread is moving so fast that I didn't read all the replies, but this is my thoughts:

That could be a good chance for your mom & wife to air out their grievances. A week would give them plenty of time to talk things out. Since your Mom will be paying, you won't lose anything financially by giving it a try.

I have to admit your post struck a nerve with me. After 25 years of my MIL & I being cordial at best, when we're around each other, we could use a week of being a captive audience to talk things out. Because I'm a glutton for punishment & keep trying to develop a close relationship with her, I actually suggested we invite MIL on our next trip to visit Graceland. (Long story, but the visit there would be sentimental to all of us.) DH won't even consider inviting her. I suspect he doesn't want us to be stuck with each other for a week. He's probably afraid of a confrontation that probably would be beneficial to all of us in the long run, but would be extremely uncomfortable at the time.

All that said, if your wife isn't interested in improving her relationship with you mom, IMO you should side with your wife.

 

[Kellykins1218]

It's Disney World. I'd go.

 

[Allison]

I totally get that. My MIL is a manipulative and controlling person, and I would never in a million years vacation with her (neither would her son for that matter . . .) but she's not a bad person. She even means well when she manipulates and controls!! In her own way, she's just showing us how much she loves and cares about us when she expresses concern about our eternal damnation ;p She's just a product of her upbringing and, quite frankly, never learned to how to treat other people. She was too old and set in her ways to change by the time I came around.

But, in order to exert control over our own lives, my husband and I have had to develop techniques to distance ourselves and ensure we protect the relationship we do have by not spending more time with her than we can bear (in my case, he has less tolerance for her than I do, which makes my life easier). I think that going on this vacation with your MIL is asking more than your wife can bear.

Are you Debra Barone?

 

[gwynne]

This thread is moving so fast that I didn't read all the replies, but this is my thoughts:

That could be a good chance for your mom & wife to air out their grievances. A week would give them plenty of time to talk things out. Since your Mom will be paying, you won't lose anything financially by giving it a try.

I have to admit your post struck a nerve with me. After 25 years of my MIL & I being cordial at best, when we're around each other, we could use a week of being a captive audience to talk things out. Because I'm a glutton for punishment & keep trying to develop a close relationship with her, I actually suggested we invite MIL on our next trip to visit Graceland. (Long story, but the visit there would be sentimental to all of us.) DH won't even consider inviting her. I suspect he doesn't want us to be stuck with each other for a week. He's probably afraid of a confrontation that probably would be beneficial to all of us in the long run, but would be extremely uncomfortable at the time.

All that said, if your wife isn't interested in improving her relationship with you mom, IMO you should side with your wife.

My opinion, based on OP's posts....
I think if someone has core values that are steadfast against bigotry and racism that should be respected.
I don't know if that's the case with the OP's wife, but if it is I totally get it.

No one should be expected to make nice with racists or bigots.

 

[pryncess527]

Are you Debra Barone?

ROFL, no, thank goodness! My saving grace is that I'm more tolerant of my MIL than my husband is!! If he were half the Momma's Boy Raymond was our marriage never would have survived this long ;p No matter how crazy she drives me, I have to be grateful for her for giving me her son.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

My opinion, based on OP's posts....
I think if someone has core values that are steadfast against bigotry and racism that should be respected.
I don't know if that's the case with the OP's wife, but if it is I totally get it.

No one should be expected to make nice with racists or bigots.

I'm not suggesting they make nice. I'm thinking more about hashing things out, so each one knows exactly how the other feels & trying to come to a mutual understanding in an attempt to improve the relationship.

 

[Klayfish]

Kind of ironic that so many people here are saying "A judgmental person isn't a good person", but by saying that without even knowing her, who's the one being judgmental??? I'm not saying she's a good or bad person, I don't know her. Everyone is entitled to their views. Doesn't mean you have to like them or agree. There are racist white people, racist Mexican people, racist Asians, on and on. Not all of them are bad people, though their particular view on race may be reprehensible to us. And in no way, shape or form am I saying that's right or wrong. My point is it's her choice. Doesn't make her a horrible, awful person. I know people like that, and regardless of what I think about some of their views, I still think they are good people at heart. I know plenty of people who I like, but maybe I despise their religious views...or their view on guns...or politics. But everything else about them, I like. Doesn't make them a bad person. I'll bet most of you have people like that you know and/or like.

For me, the answer to your question has nothing to do with your mother being a racist or judgmental. It simply has to do with the fact that your wife doesn't like her. Going to dinner is one thing. Spending days or a week in Disney is something entirely different. I absolutely wouldn't go on the trip. Nobody will have fun, and I think it would just be stressful. If by saying no, your mother is going to blow up your relationship, then that's really out of your control.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't know. That could be a good chance for your mom & wife to air out their grievances. A week would give them plenty of time to talk things out. Since your Mom will be paying, you won't lose anything financially by giving it a try.

I have to admit your post struck a nerve with me. After 25 years of my MIL & I being cordial at best, when we're around each other, we could use a week of being a captive audience to talk things out. Because I'm a glutton for punishment & keep trying to develop a close relationship with her, I actually suggested we invite MIL on our next trip to visit Graceland. (Long story, but the visit there would be sentimental to all of us.) DH won't even consider inviting her. I suspect he doesn't want us to be stuck with each other for a week. He's probably afraid of a confrontation that probably would be beneficial to all of us in the long run, but would be extremely uncomfortable at the time.

All that said, if your wife isn't interested in improving her relationship with you mom, IMO you should side with your wife.

Bless you for trying. I hope you manage to make it work out.

In the early years I tried very hard with my MIL and finally came to the realization the only way to get along is to capitulate entirely and allow her to be in total control of our lives, and I mean total control. She genuinely takes to her bed for days if challenged. When DH and I were dating a while it reached a point where we were heading towards a serious relationship and I finally decided to make him mad enough to have a genuine argument, simply because it was driving me crazy when he would agree to everything and never admit to disagreeing. I confronted him and he told me his parents had never had an argument. After a long talk he finally conceded that the couple of times his dad balked at anything his mom simply cried and went to bed for days. She caused a serious family issue in the lead up to our wedding and when DH said something to her about it she exploded, cried and went to bed for at least a week.

Nope, this girl won't play ball with that nonsense. DH's paternal grandfather told us that I was exactly what his grandson needed -- and my MIL's worst nightmare. I'm pleasant, I'm helpful, I use good table manners and will try to hold a pleasant conversation. That's the best I can do. I can handle it fine, but my heart hurts for DH and my kids. They deserve better.

 

[2binak]

OP - I have a feeling this trip will be held over your heads before, during and long after it's taken place. Your wife is looking at your mom from an outside perspective so her view of your mom's personality is probably far more realistic than your own. It's hard to look at your own family members' personality traits with complete honesty. Save your wife and yourself the trouble and decline the offer.