Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[Wishing on a star]

I imagine that for this coworker, her husband feels compelled and obligated, beyond reason (insanity), to travel to/with his family.
Learning directly from and thru his family, he has learned to transfer this feeling of obligation so that the coworker feels obligated to her husband... (in the name of family, marriage, hierarchy, etc...) I think this is actually very, very, common.

the term martyrdom is interesting...
I think that some families are so deeply off that it is like a 'cult' mentality.

 

[DiannaVM]

My MIL can be such a lovely lady, but she is also a very tough pill to swallow because she is very judgemental and picks at everything she doesn't like. I don't take well to criticism and I know there are alot of things about me she doesn't like. Sometimes I even wonder if she likes me at all or would've wished her son married someone else. However, I take even more offense when her comments border on the ignorant or intolerant and that's when I start going stir crazy because I am not the type to speak out about it. My husband know fully well how I feel about his mother, despite the fact that she has never shown any ill-will towards me and has expressed concern and care for us as a couple and not just for her son.

That said, I've been on maybe...three small trips with them? And in those short trips (meaning like a two-three day trip) I have come to realize...I could not ever see myself willingly take a vacation for more than three days with MIL and my DH knows this because I let him know after our last trip. I appreciate that usually our travelling expenses and at least one meal are covered for us, but between her judgement and then her short temper (I always thought my mom had a short temper but MIL has her beat), I just know I would be miserable on a longer trip and would have to fight hard to bite my tongue. And as some of you know, that is not always best idea because when you DO blow up feelings get hurt, regretful things are said, etc. I would only consider a longer trip if we had kids involved, because I wouldn't want to deprive either party from spending some special time together as a family.



TL;DR: Sounds like your wife is not too different in her feelings to her MIL like I have for mine. "Sucking it up" will only help after the first one or two incidents, but soon its going to build up and in the end EVERYONE will probably end up with a miserable vacation. If grandkids were involved MAYBE I would consider for their sake, but since there aren't, then IMO its just not worth it. Unfortunately there is no way to make everyone happy in this situation.

 

[TLSnell1981]

You can make your mom happy or make your wife happy. In other words are you a fool or are you smart?

It wouldn't make me unhappy, if DH went on the trip or visa versa.

 

[Sydney2977]

In reference to the vacationing with family for 18 years, this could be like DH and I's situation: we live far away from the rest of the family. We're on the east coast because he was in the military and they've all lived in the same general area in Texas (and my dad and his side of the family was in Cleveland before he passed away). Sometimes family comes to visit us, but more often than not we go visit them. I will say that at least DH and I agree on how we view all of our family members, like we can only tolerate so much of his mom, we love his dad to death but only put up with his wife, my brother and his wife are amazing, his sister can be cool but also selfish at times, etc. (I already talked about my mom and stepdad).

In recent years it has started feeling like an obligation at times. With our youngest still in school and both of us working it's not like we can just pick up whenever and come visit! If we drive that's four days there and back, and if we fly we still have to rent a vehicle to get around to see everyone, plus driving time between people. Now that our oldest is in the military we'd like to save some vacation time to be with him when he can visit too. Plus we'd like to actually get away as a family to a real vacation! We've just come to the conclusion that we have to choose to do what's best for us.

 

[mjkacmom]

It appears that the OP loves his mom, and even likes her, in spite of her flaws. He should go on vacation with his parents if that's what he wants to do. His wife is in no way obligated to go.

 

[tinah159]

I have a similar situation. My in-laws are getting older (77), judgmental, opinionated, and racist. I don't enjoy spending time with them but they are good to us and mean no harm with their beliefs. When we are invited for a vacation with them, we will accept every few years. However, my husband will sometimes go with them while I stay home. I do go occasionally as I realize my husband loves his parents (flaws and all) and I need to do things I don't like to do sometimes. That is marriage.

 

[Dread Pirate]

My EX husband choose his mother over me, and over the kids. She was a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. She sounds a lot like your mother from your short description.

THere is no way on earth that I would have put myself in the situation where I was expected to put up with racism. When she said racist things, I called her out on them. If you allow racists to get away with their behavior, it continues. Needless to say, she was always right, in her mind, about her bigotry and I just didn't know any better since I got brainwashed by getting a college education.

Listen to your wife, and pick your wife over your mother. If you pick your mother, you might alienate your wife. Choose wisely.

 

[TLSnell1981]

My EX husband choose his mother over me, and over the kids. She was a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. She sounds a lot like your mother from your short description.

THere is no way on earth that I would have put myself in the situation where I was expected to put up with racism. When she said racist things, I called her out on them. If you allow racists to get away with their behavior, it continues. Needless to say, she was always right, in her mind, about her bigotry and I just didn't know any better since I got brainwashed by getting a college education.

Listen to your wife, and pick your wife over your mother. If you pick your mother, you might alienate your wife. Choose wisely.

I've never understood relationships, that were "either or".

 

[Planogirl]

I think that the OP should go if he wants to. If I were the wife I wouldn't mind as long as he didn't try to make me go.