Your Opinions On My Family Situation (Long, With Lots Of Background)

[Vernie822]

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. It could make things worse. It doesn't mean it can't work out later on. Take a nice vacation together!

 

[Allison]

So, explain further why you area all about it. Is it all about it being a free trip to Disney? Is that really worth the pain and drama traveling together is likely to cause?

 

[NHdisneylover]

"aw mom, how sweet. Unfortunately Les already has plans for her limited vacation time, but I'd love the chance to spend more time with you adn Dad since I am self employed and can take the time"

or something along those lines would be my response. it sounds like you are OK with time spet with your mom, and that family connection might really matter to you, so spend the time with them now, while you can--but don't pressure your wife to be a part of it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

.

 

[pryncess527]

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

I just want to touch on this a bit more, I think this is a valid concern for your wife. I (obviously) don't know your mom, but I have known many relatives who use money as a tool of control, and even if they said the vacation was no-strings attached, there would absolutely be strings, expectations, and probably years of relying on the generosity of that vacation as justification for being generally horrible or controlling. It is possible Les is concerned about that? Because that could apply even if you found a way to go without her.

I decided long ago it's not worth it. I'd rather be poor, and suffer through my current 20+ year Disney drought, than trade my peace and strings-free-existence for a free vacation. Never again.

 

[cabanafrau]

When your mother gifts the grandchildren is it done in a similar way -- in other words in a way that involves the grandparents as part and parcel of the gifts, or does she bestow upon them things they like and leave it at that? It's my guess since you participate here you are a Disney fan, but the giving of a very expensive gift with the strings that they travel with you is curious in the circumstances. Or maybe only to me because of my experiences with my MIL.

I'm kinda curious what you planned to do if you received a bunch of responses contradicting your wife?

 

[wenrob]

That would be a big fat, no way in hell for me. I would not vacation with my parents/extended family (whom I adore) let alone my DH's family (we get along just fine). Trying to keep my own little family happy is hard enough on vacation. I can't imagine the stress of traveling with extended family, we're all so different in the way we do things. Add in the tendency towards racism, judgement and the possibility of maybe being cornered about religion and well, just NO. And if your wife is already defensive about the way your mom treats you where she can freely walk away, imagine what it would be like when she can't. Don't do it, man. It won't end well.

 

[cabanafrau]

I just want to touch on this a bit more, I think this is a valid concern for your wife. I (obviously) don't know your mom, but I have known many relatives who use money as a tool of control, and even if they said the vacation was no-strings attached, there would absolutely be strings, expectations, and probably years of relying on the generosity of that vacation as justification for being generally horrible or controlling. It is possible Les is concerned about that? Because that could apply even if you found a way to go without her.

I decided long ago it's not worth it. I'd rather be poor, and suffer through my current 20+ year Disney drought, than trade my peace and strings-free-existence for a free vacation. Never again.

Do you know my MIL, because you sound like someone experienced in dealing with her manipulations and power plays.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I agree with others, listen to your wife. Politely decline and plan a trip another time, just the two of you.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think that married people don't have to always like and spend time with the same people, family or not.

If op likes his parents, and wants to spend time with them at Disneyworld, then he should go.

If SHE doesn't want to go, then she should stay home. I totally support that choice given the details shared.

But I don't think the wife should tell the husband HE can't go, just because SHE doesn't want to.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

TLDR: My mom wants to take me and my wife to Disneyworld, my wife doesn't want to go because she doesn't like my mom.

Longer Version:

My wife simply does not like my mother. She loves her, in the sense that a daughter-in-law loves her mother-in-law out of duty, and she doesn't wish ill upon her, and she's polite to her. But she simply does not like her.

Here's what you need to know about my mother. She is a conservative, uptight church lady who can be racist and judgmental. When she's not being racist and judgmental, however, she is kind, loving, generous to a fault. That she favors my brother is no secret; he is a church-going family man with four kids, and mom is all about church and the grandkids.

My wife and I, however, are not like my brother and my sister-in-law. We weren't able to have kids. Neither of us has seen the inside of a church in ten years. Les is continuing to search for her path, and right now is really into the spirituality of nature - stones and crystals and such. I just prefer to smoke my... not tobacco - and not think about it.

Needless to say, this has caused no end of consternation to my mom, and more than once, she's said something inappropriate or hateful or whatever, stopped talking me to a few days, and then forgotten about it. I've learned to accept that this is just how my relationship with my mom is, and not try to change something that isn't going to change. My wife, however, just refuses to accept this. She says my mom needs to be held accountable for the way she treats me, that I need to not let her "walk all over me like that," and so on.

Anyway, my mom has decided that she wants to take me and Les to Disneyworld next December. She's paying for everything but liquor and souvenirs. She and my stepdad would stay in their camper at Ft. Wilderness while putting up me and Les at Pop Century.

Needless to say, I'm all about it, but Les wants no part of it. She says that having my mom around would ruin Disneyworld for her, that she wouldn't feel right about my mom spending so much money, etc. She wants me to tell my mom "thanks but no thanks."

What say you?

I don't vacation with people that I do not get along with. It is just a personal policy. My vacation time is precious.

 

[rastahomie]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My MIL (and FIL) was one who would have been happy to have us as, what I would call, a 'captive audience'.

I would be VERY concerned that the 5% you are mentioning would end up being more like 25% of that vacation time.

Also, and do not take this lightly... I am being very forthright and serious when I say that your wife's feelings must matter. A spouse must come first.

If you are 'all about' this vacation, then you should probably consider taking a few days to vacation down there with your parents, But leave your wife to have some time to herself at home.

If your mother is thinking that this vacation would encompass flying, driving, renting a car, together.... That would never, ever, even be an option for me.

 

[NHdisneylover]

When your mother gifts the grandchildren is it done in a similar way -- in other words in a way that involves the grandparents as part and parcel of the gifts, or does she bestow upon them things they like and leave it at that? It's my guess since you participate here you are a Disney fan, but the giving of a very expensive gift with the strings that they travel with you is curious in the circumstances. Or maybe only to me because of my experiences with my MIL.

I'm kinda curious what you planned to do if you received a bunch of responses contradicting your wife?

I guess that depends on the family---while my in laws do buy physical gifts for the grandkids--far in a way the most money they spend on them is taking them places (locally or travelling) and they do travel with all of their kids and pay for a lot of it (and do not use it as a capitive audience situation).
That thought never crossed my mind----my husband is one of four and my in laws have made a point of paying for some trips with that adult child too, and not just for the ones where they get to travel with their grandkids

 

[cabanafrau]

I think that married people don't have to always like and spend time with the same people, family or not.

If op likes his parents, and wants to spend time with them at Disneyworld, then he should go.

If SHE doesn't want to go, then she should stay home. I totally support that choice given the details shared.

But I don't think the wife should tell the husband HE can't go, just because SHE doesn't want to.

We don't know that's the case at all.

I also would suggest that your entire premise isn't as cut and dry as you suggest. Gift trip or not, OP may not be able to afford the time away from his business for this trip and time off to spend with his spouse. If that's the case, if I'm the spouse I know I'm suggesting to my husband I would not appreciate it if he chose to use his vacation time in such a way that leaves me with the option of going and being made miserable or coming up with my own vacation plans without him.

 

[pryncess527]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

I totally get that. My MIL is a manipulative and controlling person, and I would never in a million years vacation with her (neither would her son for that matter . . .) but she's not a bad person. She even means well when she manipulates and controls!! In her own way, she's just showing us how much she loves and cares about us when she expresses concern about our eternal damnation ;p She's just a product of her upbringing and, quite frankly, never learned to how to treat other people. She was too old and set in her ways to change by the time I came around.

But, in order to exert control over our own lives, my husband and I have had to develop techniques to distance ourselves and ensure we protect the relationship we do have by not spending more time with her than we can bear (in my case, he has less tolerance for her than I do, which makes my life easier). I think that going on this vacation with your MIL is asking more than your wife can bear.

 

[MainMom]

You know, the thing is, my mom is not a bad person. She has her flaws, I have my flaws, you have your flaws. Mom is only judgmental and racist 5 percent of the time. The other 95% of the time she's a sweet old lady who loves her family and would do anything for them. I've just chosen to live with her flaws and put up with them. Les views them as deal-breakers.

I can't stand my FIL. He's a jerk. Perfectly nice to us when we visit, buys the kids things, cooks, cries when we leave. Being around him more than 10 minutes makes me want to scratch my eyeballs out. His opinions, his constant complaining about everything wrong in his life, tearing down other people/races, it gets real old real quick. I would NEVER vacation with him. We visit a couple of times per year because MIL is an angel, but we stay in a hotel. DH knows not to leave me alone with him for long periods of time. It has become this way over the years we have been married. DH did not 'see' it at first or else thought it wasn't a big deal. It IS his Dad after all. However, he chose me and we came up with this compromise.

If my FIL invited DH on a trip I wouldn't care if he went. I definitely would NOT go. Don't insist your wife go. Have a discussion with her about how you would like to go and see if you can come up with a compromise. Good luck.

 

[cabanafrau]

I guess that depends on the family---while my in laws do buy physical gifts for the grandkids--far in a way the most money they spend on them is taking them places (locally or travelling) and they do travel with all of their kids and pay for a lot of it (and do not use it as a capitive audience situation).
That thought never crossed my mind----my husband is one of four and my in laws have made a point of paying for some trips with that adult child too, and not just for the ones where they get to travel with their grandkids

Be eternally grateful for your in-laws. I would twist my arm off to be able to engage in anything resembling a pleasant conversation with mine. They are very rabid about their political ideologies and entirely judgmental about everything else, literally everything. Discussing the weather can't carry you through dinner. Books, TV, movies, music, sports, gardening, you name it, will earn you a litany of criticism and complaints and lectures that you either have to decide to listen to, or attempt to politely inform them you don't wish to discuss it.

Yes, gardening managed to set them off on a political rant. It is truly a miserable situation we avoid as often as humanly possible.

 

[Nettester]

They would stay at Fort Wilderness, and you would stay at Pop. I think that sounds like a good amount of separation. You can always have quiet evenings or space to have breaks apart. I would not flatly decline. I'd probably talk to mom, have a chat just the 2 of you, I mean. And ask her how she envisions the 4 of you touring together. If she is insistent that you be together morning to evening, all meals, all rides and attractions, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. But if they are more flexible and low key about it, that's much better. For example, if she's thinking you can have breakfast, do a few attractions together, and then split up to have some time for everyone to get to do things the whole group would not enjoy, and then meeting up later, I think it could work just fine. It all depends on your mom's expectations, if she can give you enough of your own space. If she is basically going to be controlling and pout if/when not everyone wants to follow her agenda (because they paid for it, or whatever), you don't want to go there.

Of course, if your wife is strongly opposed, I wouldn't try to pressure her into it. It would be fine to let her opt out if you just want to go yourself.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I couldn't imagine sharing my Disney time with people that I couldn't stand to be around. I don't care who is paying for it.