young child to a funeral?

[anniemae]

How young is too young for a funeral? My dd is 5 and her grandpa just passed away. I was not going to have her go, but my sil thinks I should take her. I was concerned first of all because I know she will not sit still for the service, so I would have to probably take her outside. Also, I'm not sure I want her to see everyone fall apart and work through their grief.

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

[Uncle Remus]

How young is too young for a funeral? My dd is 5 and her grandpa just passed away. I was not going to have her go, but my sil thinks I should take her. I was concerned first of all because I know she will not sit still for the service, so I would have to probably take her outside. Also, I'm not sure I want her to see everyone fall apart and work through their grief.

Any insight would be appreciated.

I've been to many funerals attended by 5 year olds who seemed to do just fine, you're probably the best judge for that unless someone else knows your kid better than you do.

 

[kacaju]

I have taken my dd's who are now 18, 16 and 12 to funerals their whole lives. This of course is funerals for family only...not my friends or friends parents.
To my family, death is a part of life and it is nothing to fear. When they were younger we eplained what was happening ahead of time and I never forced them to see the body..that was totally on their part. They were always with us at the Church and funeral home and then to the cemetary.

 

[happygirl]

I took my 6 year old to my grandmother funeral. He seemed to do fine, he had a lot of questions.

 

[vicki_c]

My kids have been attending funerals for family since they were infants. I always attended funerals growing up. I think it's a good thing. I was shocked in college to learn that some of my classmates had never been to a funeral because their parents didn't think it was appropriate or something. It's just a part of life and familiarity can make it all seem a bit less scary.

 

[ICF]

How young is too young for a funeral? My dd is 5 and her grandpa just passed away. I was not going to have her go, but my sil thinks I should take her. I was concerned first of all because I know she will not sit still for the service, so I would have to probably take her outside. Also, I'm not sure I want her to see everyone fall apart and work through their grief.

Any insight would be appreciated.

We took our daughter to the visitation of her 92 yr old great - grandma when she was 5 years old. She knew her pretty well, and it gave her a chance to say 'good-bye'.

She had some quesitons about things, and IMO she did fine with it.

The funeral was the next day and she didnt go to that, as we thought the viewing the night before was enough.

 

[skater]

This is a tough one. At 5, she won't understand much of what's going on and it could be scary for her. I took my 7 year old to his great-granddad's funeral because he was somewhat close to him. Today at age 10, I heard him tell his friend about it and he said he really didn't know his grandfather very well . Who knows what kids are really thinking .

I would probably not take a 5 year old - she most likely won't benefit from it. But you are the only one who knows your child and the situation. Its your call - don't let anyone push you into anything - whatever you decide.

 

[superme80]

We have had 2 deaths in my family in the past 2 years and kids have gone to the funerals. I always checked ahead of time that it was ok to bring them, with my parents or DH's mom and uncle.

 

[babyrich]

I attended my first wake when I was 18. I was a bit scared because I didnt know what to expect. My mother never took me when I was a kid. She didnt feel it was inappropriate she had a bad experience as a child, she was around 7 and at an Uncle's wake, when an Aunt picked her up and forced her to touch the Uncle's hand to say good-bye. The experience stayed with her.

I have seen many children at funerals over the years and I think it should be totally up to you. I dont think it will matter to her but it gives you the opportunity to explain death and show that its not scary or mysterious.

 

[msjprincess]

My kids came to my father's wake funeral when they were 4, 5 and 8 years old.

 

[castleview]

My kids came to my grandparent's funerals but left after about five minutes. I'd have someone available to take them outside or to the church nursery.

 

[Princess_Meghan <3]

My cousin was 3 or 4 when our grandmother passed away. He came to the funeral and did well- he didn't really understand what was going on, but he sat still and was quiet and respectful. We were all very close to our grandmother, so my aunt and uncle thought it was important for him to be there.

 

[Auggietina]

I was brought up going to funerals at a young age, my dd was brought up going to funerals. It's part of life.

 

[katrina1122]

When my dad died my niece was 5 at the time. My sister asked her if she wanted to go and explained all that would happen. She wanted to go. Even tho she never sat still in church, she did for the service. To help her feel involved we had a basket of floweres on the alter, she placed a tennis ball in since she, lil bro and granddad tossed balls around alot.
She then went to the gravesite where we sat under a tent in a torrential bitter cold downpour, she still didnt complain. She got a bit scared during the gun salute, but was fine. She then placed a flower on his casket and as the wind kept blowing them off she'd put them back on.
We then went to lunch where her lil bro joined us and she was her silly squirmy self again. She is now 8 and rememers granddad and thst day. It was a good thing for her.

 

[Mandychelle79]

My kids have been attending visitations/funerals for family members for a while and they are 6 and 8. I think dh's gma passed when they were 3 and 5 and they went. They would visit her at the nursing home I worked at so they knew who she was. But the funeral home she was laid out in was not busy that week ( we were the only family there) and they have a grief dog. The staff put all the kids and the dog in another room if they were doing the I'm bored thing to allow them to play and not bother anyone.

 

[puffkin]

My DS was 3 when my DH's grandfather passed away. We did take him to the viewing/visitation the evening before however we took him to daycare that day. I didn't really have a problem taking him, but I personally did not want to have to deal with trying to keep him quiet (service was in a small funeral parlor) or take him out during the service.

My grandmother passed away this summer when DS was 5. He did go to both the viewing and funeral as did all 7 other great grandchildren (ages 1-16). They all did just fine. DS was definitely much more capable of sitting and being respectful during the service and the church was a bigger and there were more places to spread out if needed. He did have a lot of questions and he still asks about certain things.

My brother passed away at age 17 (car accident) and many of his friends who came to the viewing/funeral had never been to one before. It was very difficult for them to not only process the loss, but to understand what a funeral is. I definitely think from living through that, that all children should be exposed to funerals/death from a young age. I think most 4-5 years olds are at the perfect age to start the exposure.

 

[GAGirlInVA]

Our 5 year old would go for a close relative like a grandpa-- but I know our 5 year old could sit and not be a distraction since she sits for church each week.

 

[Southernmiss]

We took DD to her great grandmother's funeral when she was about 5.

DD is used to going to church on Sundays, but I packed a bag of coloring/activity books and brought those too because the wake was before the funeral and we would be there for an extended period of time.

She did fine and I agree funerals and death are a part of life.

Sadly, my teen sons have experienced the deaths of 3 friends just this school year.

 

[jcano]

We took my dd to my grandfather's funeral when she was 4. No other option. She has Type 1 diabetes, and there was just no one to leave her with. She did fine and provided some great stress relief on the way to the gravesite.

As were were pulling into the cemetery, she noticed a big cannon-type gun at the entrance (It was partially a military cemetery.) Anyway, we have a van load of people including my mother. As we pulled in she goes, "What are they going to do? Shoot him out of a cannon?" First funeral I have ever been to where we spilled out of the van trying to control the laughter!

 

[Andtototoo]

My dd went to my mother's funeral at age 5 and my MIL's funeral at age 7. She barely remembers my mother's funeral although she was fairly close to her, but has very clear memories of my MIL's funeral, although she did not know her. Part of the difference is, of course, the age but other reasons are that my dh's family had an open casket funeral and they are very dramatic people (my SIL threw herself across the casket). So dd remembers her aunt's behavior and seeing a dead body, which she found just "weird". I will note that she did not relate to the viewing as seeing her grandmother for the last time or saying good bye. To her, it was just a dead body, a shell, and it was meaningless and she did not (and still does not) understand displaying it. In re my mother's funeral, all she really remembers is that I cried (I've cried about 3 times in my entire adult life, so seeing me cry was a huge event for dd). I don't think it was a bad thing that she saw me cry.

My issue with small children is that unfortunately I have seen them disrupt the service in highly inappropriate ways (singing, running around, throwing stuff). I don't believe a parent's desire to educate their child about death or funerals trumps the need of mourners to have an appropriate service.