young child to a funeral?

[pacrosby]

I'm shocked by all the posters who have had so many funerals to take their children to. My kids are 6,9,10 and almost 12 and there hasn't been a single funeral to take them to (thank goodness). I hardly consider this lack of experience to be some sort of negative like many here seem to be suggesting.

Personally, I'll admit it, I (at 50) HATE wakes and funerals and would prefer not to go to them myself if I could avoid them. Grieving, for me, is a truly personal thing and I do not like to fall apart in front of large crowds. I've seen some truly heart wrenching expressions of grief at some of the funerals I have been to in my life. Nothing but torture for those family members, and to all who witnessed their public sorrow. No thankyou. I don't need to go through the formality of a funeral service to accept that someone is gone. I tell my husband to throw a party when I go. Celebrate my life in a positive happy way and remember me the way I was...happy, silly, fun, not lying lifeless in a casket.


So to the OP, is 5 too young? In my book....yeah I think so. But clearly I have a different viewpoint than most. Sure death is a part of life but I'm not sure one has to go to funerals to understand that. Denying them the knowledge that the person died would be shielding them from death. The funeral is just a formal public service. Necessary for some yes. But unnecessary for others. Ultimately, do whatever you feel is appropriate based on your own beliefs.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm shocked by all the posters who have had so many funerals to take their children to. My kids are 6,9,10 and almost 12 and there hasn't been a single funeral to take them to (thank goodness). I hardly consider this lack of experience to be some sort of negative like many here seem to be suggesting.

Personally, I'll admit it, I (at 50) HATE wakes and funerals and would prefer not to go to them myself if I could avoid them. Grieving, for me, is a truly personal thing and I do not like to fall apart in front of large crowds. And I do not need to go through the formality of a funeral service to accept that someone is gone. I tell my husband to throw a party when I go. Celebrate my life in a positive happy way and remember me the way I was...happy, silly, fun, not lying lifeless in a casket.


So to the OP, is 5 too young? In my book....yeah I think so. But clearly I have a different viewpoint than most. Sure death is a part of life but I'm not sure one has to go to funerals to understand that. Denying them the knowledge that the person died would be shielding them from death. The funeral is just a formal public service. Necessary for some yes. But unnecessary for others. Ultimately, do whatever you feel is appropriate based on your own beliefs.

Think of it like going to the dentist. My kids have been going to the dentist every 6 months since the age of 3. They actually look forward to it. I think if you never went to the dentist when you were young, you'd be afraid to go. Those of us who grew up going to wakes and funerals aren't bothered by them - actually, I find them helpful and comforting.

 

[pacrosby]

Think of it like going to the dentist. My kids have been going to the dentist every 6 months since the age of 3. They actually look forward to it. I think if you never went to the dentist when you were young, you'd be afraid to go. Those of us who grew up going to wakes and funerals aren't bothered by them - actually, I find them helpful and comforting.

Honestly I'm not sure I agree I don't know too many people who look forward to going to the dentist regardless of when they started going or how regularly they've gone. Generally speaking, if you don't consider an experience pleasurable it really makes no difference how long you've been experiencing it.


And I think you missed something if you can't at least understand that there are different ways to look at this topic. I'm giving others permission to have their point of view. I just happen to have another. I've been to many a wake and funeral myself so believe me, my opinion isn't due to lack of experience. When I think of funeral and wakes, helpful and comforting are two words that definately do NOT come to mind.

 

[mjkacmom]

Honestly I'm not sure I agree I don't know too many people who look forward to going to the dentist regardless of when they started going or how regularly they've gone. Generally speaking, if you don't consider an experience pleasurable it really makes no difference how long you've been experiencing it.


And I think you missed something if you can't at least understand that there are different ways to look at this topic. I'm giving others permission to have their point of view. I just happen to have another. I've been to many a wake and funeral myself so believe me, my opinion isn't due to lack of experience. When I think of funeral and wakes, helpful and comforting are two words that definately do NOT come to mind.

Did you start going as a very young child? Most of our family wakes tend to be pretty upbeat (especially the Irish side).

 

[MickeyCrazedMom]

We just went through this about 2 years ago when my kids were 2, 6, and 7. My bil got sick and passed within 2 months. DH did not want the kids at the funeral because their uncle did not look like himself. He was very yellow from Jaundice and down to about 120 pounds. He also did not want them to see him lose it. I disagreed because I felt that they had a right to say goodbye and because it had happened so quickly I am not sure they understood it. It was the first person they knew who had died and he was only 41. In the end we sent them to school like any other day but my mom picked them up and brought them to the wake for about an hour. I told them exactly what they were going to see and told them it was ok to go up to the casket, or they could stay in the lobby. I told them it was ok to laugh or to cry, whatever they were feeling. I had them leave before the service mostly because I needed to be there for my dh. DS, who was 7, was very emotional and had to be carried out. But honestly it was mostly because he realized that parents die (my bil had a 9 year old) and he became petrified for months that something would happen to me or dh. My dd, 6, is very black or white with things and she was just interested in why his hands were placed the way they were, how we chose his clothes, where his legs were (the bottom half of the casket was closed!). I am glad they came because it helped break up a very long day, family who had never met my kids got to, and it gave us an opportunity to open a discussion on death.
I think the most important thing is to let them know what is happening and that it is ok to feel however you feel. I went to a funeral for a family friend when I was 16 and no one warned me of the 7 gun salute. Scared the crap out of me and about killed me when it was followed by taps. I just wasn't prepared.
I was also told at the funeral for my uncle that I wasn't allowed to cry because it would upset my aunt. I was 10. That was so wrong that I had to hold back what I was feeling, I would never tell my kids to do that!

 

[kacaju]

I'm shocked by all the posters who have had so many funerals to take their children to. My kids are 6,9,10 and almost 12 and there hasn't been a single funeral to take them to (thank goodness).

Well, your children are very lucky not to have lost family members then.
5 years ago..my kids were about 13, 11 and 6. I lost two great Aunts (their great, great Aunts) one was 84 then other 101. They died Jan 3rd and
Jan 28h Then my Uncle passed away in April and my husbands Uncle in May.

 

[scottishduffy]

My Daughter is 7 months old now and went to her first funeral in December. My grandmother (her great-gramma) passed away. The funeral was in another city. My in-laws were also close to my gramma as our families have known each other for 12 years now. The baby came to the wake for a couple hours, dressed appropriately in a black dress. She was a good girl and didn't cry at all. We arranged for another family friend to hold her during the actual burial since we didn't want her making noise and so she could nap. Obviously, I am OK taking a child of any age to a funeral. The only reason I would leave a child behind was if I was worried they could not behave appropriately, but the death aspect does not bother me. It is a fact of life that must be explained.

The first funeral I remember going to I was 5, though I believe I went to them before that. I went to several more in the next couple years.

Our family funerals are sad, but they are also happy in a lot of ways since that is one of the few times the whole extended family will come together. When my LO came to the funeral she met many people who had not had a chance to see her yet and provided a nice distraction to some of the more somber moments.

 

[cybrkitn]

This reminds me of a funeral I was at and the pastor was explaining that there was nothing more than just a body in the casket. That what we have in our hearts and heads is what will continue to live on, or something to that effect. Then during the prayer I hear my little cousin from way in the back ask rather loudly "but mom where is his heart and head? Where did the put it?" I love kids. Needless to say the entire room broke out in laughter.

Reminds me of DS when he was 3. I explained to him before we left the house what he can expect to see when we went to his Pop Pop's wake. I told him that Pop Pop has gone up to be with Jesus and what is left is his "shell" (his body). Right before we left DS asks us fairly loud, "Can we see Pop Pop's shell?" I didn't know whether to or to . DH just chuckled .

I guess I was afraid of what my family would think if he asked that out loud.