young child to a funeral?

[jrmasm]

I would only take a 5 year old to the funeral of someone that they were very close to.

 

[mjkacmom]

I've attended wakes and funerals for as long as I can remember, as have my kids. I think it's important for children to experience them. I don't remember it ever being a big deal for me (my grandparents all came from huge families). People cry, people laugh, cousins play - a family reunion!

 

[Minnesota!]

My kids have been attending funerals for family since they were infants. I always attended funerals growing up. I think it's a good thing. I was shocked in college to learn that some of my classmates had never been to a funeral because their parents didn't think it was appropriate or something. It's just a part of life and familiarity can make it all seem a bit less scary.

I've attended wakes and funerals for as long as I can remember, as have my kids. I think it's important for children to experience them. I don't remember it ever being a big deal for me (my grandparents all came from huge families). People cry, people laugh, cousins play - a family reunion!

Ditto to both of these. I have been going since I was an infant (my great aunt died when I was 1 month old....), and it never bothered me. My kids, same thing. If someone dies, they go to the wake and funeral. Death is a part of life and I refuse to shelter my kids from it.

 

[Coconut36]

Mine attended my Grandma's funeral at 13 months and 3 1/2. I would never have thought to exclude them from it at any age. They loved her and knew her and did just fine with it.

If it was someone they hadn't known well or didn't know at all I would not have taken them..but for someone they knew and loved..absolutely they should be there.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

My fil passed last year and I was very hesitant to take my younger children to the wake. It turns out it was my oldest that was the most upset and took it harder. The girls were 7 and 9 at the time.

They were fine during the funeral and behaved well in church. They did well at the cemetery also. I think skipping a wake at 5 is fine but I would not keep her from the church service or funeral.

 

[Jey12]

First I am very sorry for the loss in your family.

IMO there isn't an age that's too young. DD5 has been attending funerals since she was an infant. You know your child best and can limit what you think might be too upsetting for them (such as going up to an open casket) but I think sheltering them from death and the sadness that goes along with a funeral is not usually a good idea. I don't think 5 is too young to sit still for a normal service or too young to have death and sadness explained to them in a way they can understand. They might not grasp fully what is going on or what has happened, but they will surprise you with what they do understand. Do you really expect people to be completely overwhelmed with grief? In my experience there is sadness, but also joy and happiness because of memories at a funeral. It's been rare that I've ever seen an extreme display of sadness that I would say could be shocking to a child. Everyone is different though, and there's no right or wrong. Keeping a child away from such an important event might save them from seeing close family members upset, but they also will miss out on the healthy expression of that sadness and also the happiness that comes along with memories of the deceased.

When DH's grandmother died DD was 3 years old. We spent the days before her services talking with DD about death, sadness and happy memories. We didn't talk all day about it, but would bring it up from time to time during the day. We cried in front of her, with her and also smiled and laughed as we remembered the good times. When DD was 4 almost 5 my father was diagnosed with end stage cancer and quickly progressed from the fun and healthy grandpa to a skeleton of the man she knew. It was difficult even as an adult to watch happen, but I did not shelter DD from this. She was there with the entire family when he died. Thankfully hospice was there and he was able to pass as peaceful as you can. Had that scenario been different no I would not have let her remain in the room. I did take her outside when the funeral home came to get his body. No family member needs to see that. She was right there with us at his services. When the eulogies were being given, I was surprised and so proud when my almost 5 year old little girl stood up on her own and went to the front of the church and talked. She told everyone how it was ok to be sad, but to also be happy and remember the good memories we had of her grandpa. She then went on to talk for several minutes about fishing with grandpa and getting to watch ghost hunters with him when she spent the night. It brought tears of pride to most of the audience and I still tear up thinking about how my wonderful little girl seemed to better understand what was going on than most of the adults in the room.

As parents of course we want to keep our kids safe and this includes from being sad and upset. The problem with doing that is death is part of life and a very important part. I say take your child to the funeral. Spend some time prior to the service to explain death, sadness and any spiritual beliefs you have as a family. Be prepared to answer questions, don't be afraid to show emotion in front of her. Kids know more than we give them credit for and often if not shown how to properly express these strong emotions they can and do act out in other ways. I fully believe if a child is old enough to ask certain question they are old enough to hear the answer. Be honest and explain things to her in a way you know she can understand, and in a way that you are comfortable as a family discussing. If the service is one that will be rather long, sit in the back, bring a book or something else that can quietly occupy her. If that still doesn't work then you can easily excuse yourself and take her outside of the room.

I have no doubt that whatever you decide will be the best for your family. I just don't feel that her age alone should be what keeps her from being a part of such an important event that involves a large portion of her family.

 

[cybrkitn]

I don't think it's too young. When my father passed away a little over 3 years ago, DS9 was 6. We brought him to the wake as well as to the funeral ceremony (my father was being being buried in a military cemetary).

DS was my father's only grandchild and he thought the world of his "Mr. Pumkins". We still talk about my father to him and he still remembers his Pop Pop.

 

[evandmp]

I took my almost 2 year old and almost 5 year to my dads funeral. In church there was a special room they could sit in and my MIL sat with them in there and fed them snacks. For the burial dd fell asleep and I carried her. DS sat just fine. They also attended my dh's bio moms memorial 6 months prior and it went equally well. Your kids should be fine and with family around to help, someone could probably take them to the side or help you with them if they are having a meltdown. the others emotions did not bother my kids. Losing someone is sad and they shouldn't be afraid to cry or see others upset.

 

[karriemouse]

My DDs went to their great-grandmother's funeral (closed casket, Catholic Mass and burial) when they were 7 and 2 1/2. Elder DD understood what was happening and younger DD knew that we were 'going to church to say goodbye to Great-Granny Annie'. They were so well behaved and all the family said how good it was to see them there, several people described it as a wonderful reminder of life.
I was unsure about taking them but I'm very glad I did. My personal opinion is that it would be very appropriate for your DD to attend. And my condolences for your loss.

 

[Jey12]

As were were pulling into the cemetery, she noticed a big cannon-type gun at the entrance (It was partially a military cemetery.) Anyway, we have a van load of people including my mother. As we pulled in she goes, "What are they going to do? Shoot him out of a cannon?" First funeral I have ever been to where we spilled out of the van trying to control the laughter!

This reminds me of a funeral I was at and the pastor was explaining that there was nothing more than just a body in the casket. That what we have in our hearts and heads is what will continue to live on, or something to that effect. Then during the prayer I hear my little cousin from way in the back ask rather loudly "but mom where is his heart and head? Where did the put it?" I love kids. Needless to say the entire room broke out in laughter.

 

[violetrose]

My kids have been attending funerals for family since they were infants. I always attended funerals growing up. I think it's a good thing. I was shocked in college to learn that some of my classmates had never been to a funeral because their parents didn't think it was appropriate or something. It's just a part of life and familiarity can make it all seem a bit less scary.

Totally agree.

We just went to a funeral for a family friend, he was only 26 when he was tragically killed in a car accident. We were so shocked that his mother didn't allow his younger brothers to come to the funeral. They are like 10 and 12! She thought it would be too hard for them. I don't judge her, as I am sure she was out of her mind with grief. I just worry that they will never get closure.

 

[Debbie7452]

This past Monday was my MIL's funeral. She was a beloved Grandma to our kids including DS-5. We took him to the funeral as we thought it was important for him to understand ,as best he could, what was going on. For our family, it seemed to help him "get" the fact that she was truly gone. He did fine for the service which was a formal Mass in the church, but he goes to church every week, so we've had practice. He is a wiggly little boy in general...He was allowed to help bring in the gifts with his older sisters. He was very proud of himself and I believe he will remember being part of the event in a positive way, even though it was heartbreaking and sad. Does that make any sense?

I'm so sorry for your loss! Every family and child is different so there is no definitive "right" answer for everyone.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I went to my first funeral at 3. It taught me how to behave and not to be scared. My friend didn't go until she was older and she had a hard time dealing.

 

[suzannen]

My Ex and I had recently separated when my FIL died unexpectedly. My DD was 5 and my ex did not feel that she should go to the funeral because she was too young. In my family, kids always went to funerals, so I felt that she should attend, particularly because they spent time together every week and were very close. But since it was his dad, I felt it was ultimately his decision, so she did not attend.

She's now 30 and has said repeatedly to both of us through the years that she's upset that she did not attend that funeral because she never felt she got closure with her "Poppy." She says she feels like he just disappeared. I

It makes me sad for her and that memory, and I feel bad that I didn't press the issue. Even taking her to the cemetery many times, never took away that feeling.

I would hate for some other child to end up feeling that way about someone they had been so close to.

 

[ilovejack02]

Took my youngest to his great grandpa's funeral when he was 5. I sat in the back with him, as this was my husband's family it was ok . He went up to casket , asked a few questions of us and all was fine. He was a little wiggly ,but not a big deal .

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I have taken my dd's who are now 18, 16 and 12 to funerals their whole lives. This of course is funerals for family only...not my friends or friends parents.
To my family, death is a part of life and it is nothing to fear. When they were younger we eplained what was happening ahead of time and I never forced them to see the body..that was totally on their part. They were always with us at the Church and funeral home and then to the cemetary.

Ditto (though my kids are still younger than yours). If it's family, you just go, but when our neighbor died, my younger dd was 5 and we gave her the choice. She opted not to go. We didn't give our then-11yo a choice, but she knew she ought to go to support her friends (his kids). When younger dd was just a year older, she opted to attend the funeral of a classmate's mother and now seems to understand that death is a part of life and funerals aren't scary.

Tragically, we have had a bad few years with deaths of young parents in our area. My kids each have several friends/neighbors who have lost a parent so they are getting way too much experience attending funerals. But I do think it's important for them to be there to support their friends. The deaths themselves have made my kids more fearful of something happening to me or dh, but going to the funerals isn't the reason.

I have also found that an innocent (even if sometimes inappropriate) comment made by a small child at a funeral can be very comforting, as it tends to remind us that life goes on and the deceased lives on in his children/grandchildren.

 

[JessicaR]

How young is too young for a funeral? My dd is 5 and her grandpa just passed away. I was not going to have her go, but my sil thinks I should take her. I was concerned first of all because I know she will not sit still for the service, so I would have to probably take her outside. Also, I'm not sure I want her to see everyone fall apart and work through their grief.

Any insight would be appreciated.

This is such a personal opinion. It really depends. My parents more than likely my mom shielded us from wakes and funerals. I mean we did NOT go to any as children and teens. As a young adult I had a very hard time when the time came attending either. I still do.

Now my husbands family are professional funeral goers - they go to all of them and took the kids too.

My children fall somewhere in the middle.

Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Kellydelly]

I remember going to my Grandpa's funeral when I was five. It didn't traumatize me. My kids have been to various funerals (great grandparents and great aunts and uncles, plus two nonrelatives) since they were infants. All of these funerals were held in the same funeral home (except the nonrelatives), so either fortunately or unfortunately my kids know the place and are "comfortable" there. There is always lots of family there for them to see (which adds to comfort level). If your child is a handful and would be more of a distraction for you than anything, then go ahead and get her a sitter, otherwise pack her an activity bag and some snacks. I have never been to a funeral home that did not have a room where kids could hang out if they couldn't sit in the main room.

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't have a lot of experience with this, but here are my thoughts.

At my mom's funeral, there were no kids there. It was all just a somber, sad, rotten thing (I'm sure those with similar religious beliefs to my stepdad felt uplifted, but those of us who didn't were just horrified at what was being said). I was desperately sad, and because I was single and had no outside responsibilities, I had nothing to do but listen and wallow at the funeral.

With FIL's memorial service (which was different b/c "he" wasn't there and it was a solid 2 months after he died), there were TONS of children there, including our 2.5 year old. Hubby was able to come away from the grief and the traditions to get hugs from DS (and me), and it let him come up out of his grief, and he had other choices but to just wallow.

I went to my oldest friend's father's memorial service, and there were several children there. Although the service was tremendously sad, and I think I still have the headache from the crying (it was last spring), having the children there was a GOOD thing. Their "beautiful noise", to quote Neil Diamond, was wonderful, and let the mood lighten just a bit while we all were SO sad for such a wonderful man.


So I think kids at a service aren't a bad thing for the service's sake. They can also help the close relatives, because it gives them something to do other than cry. And kids tend to come with built-in hugs.

She's now 30 and has said repeatedly to both of us through the years that she's upset that she did not attend that funeral because she never felt she got closure with her "Poppy." She says she feels like he just disappeared. I

It makes me sad for her and that memory, and I feel bad that I didn't press the issue. Even taking her to the cemetery many times, never took away that feeling.

I would hate for some other child to end up feeling that way about someone they had been so close to.

I wonder if she could put together a little service on her own, or with a clergy member she's close to? I was at my mom's funeral, but it brought NO closure whatsoever, because it was so soon, because I actually hadn't seen her for months (I kept getting sick, and you can't visit someone with leukemia while you're sick) before she died, and because it was just the antithesis of what I believe, and fairly off from what SHE believed, too. I've often thought about putting together a memorial service that I think SHE would have appreciated, one that didn't insult her children, one that didn't insult me... I feel that that would bring me more closure than the official funeral did.

Maybe it's worth a try? But really, just being at a funeral doesn't mean you'll have closure; she might not have had it even if she had been there.

 

[aprilgail2]

I was brought up going to funerals at a young age, my dd was brought up going to funerals. It's part of life.

My kids have been attending funerals for family since they were infants. I always attended funerals growing up. I think it's a good thing. I was shocked in college to learn that some of my classmates had never been to a funeral because their parents didn't think it was appropriate or something. It's just a part of life and familiarity can make it all seem a bit less scary.

I agree- I work with a girl who told me she was 30 before going to her first wake- I was shocked!! My daughter was about 3 months old at her first one and its been a regular thing since then- she has been to funerals for children, my godson who died at 14, relatives, friends parents, friends grandparents, neighbors parents etc.