young child to a funeral?

[ksjayhawks]

I think it is up to the parent to decide if/when a child goes to the service. If it is going to be a long one and you know she won't sit still and you will need to get up and go outside with her, I probably wouldn't take her. You will want to be there for the whole service.

Could you get a sitter for her at the location so that she could be close by and could be with everyone after the service? Maybe there are other small children that could use the sitter as well.

Or, if you are married, could your dh sit with her towards the back and take her out if needed? Then you could remain in the service.

 

[kim929]

We always bring the children to the wake and funerals. When my dgf passed the youngest was 2 on up to 16 we brought them all.

We put some little toys together, cars, coloring books and crayons, snacks etc. We explained everything they were allowed to roam the room we were in if they went up to say by great if not that was ok to.

When we were leaving the funeral director come up to my sister and thanked her for bringing the kids. He said so many people make it a taboo that it was nice to see the kids involved and getting to say goodbye in their own ways.

But as already said, you know your child best. Having someone there to watch them if by taking them into another room or home might help.

Whatever you decide, sorry for your loss.

 

[jacksonsmom]

I don't feel 5 is too young at all.

My son went to his first funeral at 10 months old. My grandfather had passed away, i know my DS doesn't remember because he was only a baby, but I feel death is a part of life and I refuse to shelter my son from it.

I was sheltered from death growing up and I hated it. I think that is why I am more open about death and dying with my son.

We did have a "dry spell" in our family for a few years where there wasn't any deaths, but....

At 5 years old we put our cat to sleep. Now I did not have him in the room for the actual procedure, but right afterwards when Charlie was gone, he came in and held our cat and said good-bye. I think that is his first experience with death (that he remembers) and I feel DH and I dealt with it that made him comfortable with death and dying.

In the past 3 years though we had a lot of deaths in the family, my son is now 12, he has been to at least 8 funerals in the last 3 years. I never sheltered him from any of them.
He has hugged and held the dying's hand. He also has touched the dead's body all on his own, whether it was to give the person a kiss or just a final touch on the hand.

When my dad passed away 2 years ago, DS was 9 years old. He asked if he could have some private time with grandpa's body. I gladly told him to take all the time he needs and to just come out whenever he is ready.
I will admit I had some members in my family that were shocked I would leave a 9 year old with a dead body, but I thought "why not" I never forced him and it was something HE asked for. I would never think to deny him that last moment with his grandpa.


So I am a firm believer to never shelter a child from death. Death is nothing to be scared of, sure it's sad...but it is something that will happen to all of us at some point. I believe in giving children the tools to be able to deal with death and not be scared of it.

 

[dyna]

I was always taken as a child my kids was always taken an now when the occasion arises my Gkids are taken.

I did not expect my kids to spend hours an hours at the funeral home tho when I had to be therefor hours an hours I got a sitter an took them for an hour in the evening or whatever, sometimes an hour in the afternoon an another hour in the evening and again for the funeral, usually got them to the funeral home or church no more than a half hour before the service.

 

[Aliceacc]

You know your daughter far better than we do, and better than your sister in law. Here are my experiences.

My dad died in 2000. My son was 5, my daughter was 3, and I was 9 months pregnant. I left my kids with friends so I could grieve without having to tend to my kids.

Aside from that, though, they've attended a number of wakes and funerals.

My father in law died 3 years ago. My kids were 5, 8, and 10. All three of them attended all sessions of the wake and the funeral. Yes, they were sad. But we wanted to give them the chance to say goodbye. We also wanted them to realize that death is part of life, and not to fear wakes and funerals.

My mother in law died last week on Christmas Day. All 3 kids attended the wake and funeral.

They've been to lots of other wakes for grandparents of friends.

My kids have all attended church each week since infancy, so their behavior wasn't going to be an issue, even when they were young.

 

[Sadie22]

Do what is right for you and your child. Toddlers were at the funerals of both my parents, and the happy baby noises were great. When a little girl got hiccups, I imagined my mother laughing along.

 

[sharonmickey]

Both my DD's were about 9 months old for their first funeral. They did well. They both went to their grandfathers viewing and funeral - the older one was 6 and the younger one 3. My SIL was not going to take her children but when I said mine were going she brought all three of hers, the oldest was 7. It's been great for them. They are now adults and comfortable at visitation as well as funeral services.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm fully in the kids go to funerals camp. Death is a part of life. Every adult I know who has issues with death and funerals was shielded from them as a child. In my family we went to every family wake and funeral. You just did. I have no negative feelings about any of it. As a teen I lost several friends and now, in my early 30s I have many friends who have lost parents. I don't take my kids to those funerals but they go to family funerals. My DD was 12 days old at my Aunts, that was her 1st. She had been to 5 before she turned 4. Neither of my kids have issues. They've never been upset. My DD tends to "hang out" at the casket at wakes. My DS doesn't like it and I don't force him to do anything he is uncomfortable with....but he is there.

 

[lovesmurfs]

We took DS 5 to his great-grandmother's funeral (out of state) and he did just fine. At the end of the visitation, the whole room got silent, and all of a sudden, he just said, "Bye-bye grammy". It was a very poignant moment.

When I myself was five, my favorite person in the whole world passed away (a sort of adopted grandkid of hers). I desperately wanted to go to the funeral (or at least the visitation) and to this day I regret not being able to say goodbye (yes, over 40 years later).

That said, you need to judge your own child based on past situations.

 

[gris gris]

When I myself was five, my favorite person in the whole world passed away (a sort of adopted grandkid of hers). I desperately wanted to go to the funeral (or at least the visitation) and to this day I regret not being able to say goodbye (yes, over 40 years later).

This is exactly one of the reasons why I brought my DD9 to my Aunt's funeral and wake this year. My Aunt was young (49) and was an Aunt to my DD as well. My DD was grieving so much, and I couldn't bear to think of leaving her at home with a sitter to grieve on her own when her entire family was together grieving.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I went to many, many funerals as a child, (My DF is a minister.) but at my grandmother's funeral when I was 6, I had a meltdown; full-blown hysterical howling because it suddenly hit me she was dead and I would never see her again. I'd been to the visitation the night before, I'd been to many other funerals, but this was the first one I had an emotional stake in.

My mother was in no state to deal with me, so a family friend stepped in and took me outside to calm down and sat with me until I was able to go back inside.

Yes, I'm glad I was there, but I am v. glad someone was there to take care of me when I was hysterical. My advice would be to have someone already planned out to take your son if he needs a break for any reason whatsoever.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How young is too young for a funeral? My dd is 5 and her grandpa just passed away. I was not going to have her go, but my sil thinks I should take her. I was concerned first of all because I know she will not sit still for the service, so I would have to probably take her outside. Also, I'm not sure I want her to see everyone fall apart and work through their grief.

Any insight would be appreciated.

If it were my dd she would be there. My kids have been to visitation/funerals since they were babies.

However I would say that when dh's grandpa passed they did not want young children (any great grandkids) there because they did not want it "interrupted". But this was just at the "funeral" part in the church. They hired babysitters for the young ones which was nice actually.

At the age of 5, I would absolutely have my child there to grieve with family to say goodbye to grandpa.

Sorry for your loss.....

 

[Skip2MyLou]

My FIL passed away last September.

We took DD to both visitations & the funeral. She is 3.

I took bag full of things to entertain her. Books, puzzles, crayons & coloring books, a portable DVD player (with headphones) & movies, some toys cars, etc. I also brought her drinks & favorite snacks. I set her up in her own little space on a couch in the back of the room.

I was constantly being told what a well behaved little girl we have & how proud her Papa must have been of her.

We also had another adult (my mom) on the edge of the row behind us during the actual funeral ready to take her out of the room in case it got to be too emotional or she got restless.

She will probably not remember her Papa or the funeral...but she was his reason for living during the past year so I can not imagine her not being there to say goodbye.

 

[abdmom]

The only time I haven't taken one of my children to a funeral is when my dd was 16 months old and not walking yet. I didn't take her to my father's funeral. I took ds4 to that funeral.

The next funeral was dh's. The kids were 5 months, 7 and 10. They were in the front row and they did just fine. They were fine at the next two funerals when my youngest was 3 and 5. No one broke down at any funeral. Any working through grief was done in private.

I was 3, almost 4, when my grandfather died. I wasn't taken to the funeral or allowed to speak of him at home in case someone got upset. I had a lot of issues for many years because of that.

 

[daisyduck123]

I think it depends on the child.

Since you KNOW she will not sit still thru the event & you would have to take her out, I would not bring her.

 

[daisyx3]

When my grandpa died I was almost 7. I barely remember the visitation (I remember seeing his name on the sign, and that's about it) and I was not taken to the funeral. I don't know why, it doesn't make any sense but no way I'm going to ask mom about it now, 40 years later. My 11 year old sister went. As a result, when my husband's grandmother died I took all my kids (it was out of town anyhow). They were almost 3,6 and 9. The older two remember it, although the most vivid memory is running stop signs and lights when the procession went to the cemetery.
I had younger nieces there as well. One dropped some ball type toy in the church, and it was wood floors, and it really made a noise! But no one minded. Everyone celebrated all the grandkids and great-grandkids she left behind.
Daisyx3

 

[mjantz]

I'd take her but definitely have a back-up plan. When my grandmother died my DS was 2. My BIL & SIL came to the funeral (DHs bro & SIL) & it wasn't until later that I realized one of the reasons she came was to take DS if he became too wiggly. If you have a sister or a SIL or someone who can take her out if needed I'd take her.
A few years ago we hit a terrible situation where a close cousin of mine & one of my DHs uncles died one day apart. My parents were also on vacation. DD was 3 & DS was 6 & they went to both funerals. I slipped out of the uncle one when the kids got a bit wiggly & DH did the same at my cousins funeral.

I agree that too many kids are shielded from death. It's difficult & not easy but better to get use to the idea as a kid & just see it as part of the life cycle than to be totally unprepared as an adult.

 

[luvsJack]

Everything just depends on your situation, your child and how you feel.

DD went to a close family friend's funeral when she was 5 or 6. She did fine. Prior to that, my father's funeral and my brother's funeral were both when she was much younger. I chose not to take her because of my own inability to be there for her during the funerals.

When my youngest son was 5, my grandfather died. They didn't know him very well and I knew that it would be very hard on them to see my dad break down. For that reason, I chose not to take them.

They did go to other funerals.

I never made a decision about based just on their age. I considered all the factors before making the decision.

 

[kate_wdw]

How young is too young for a funeral? My dd is 5 and her grandpa just passed away. I was not going to have her go, but my sil thinks I should take her. I was concerned first of all because I know she will not sit still for the service, so I would have to probably take her outside. Also, I'm not sure I want her to see everyone fall apart and work through their grief.

Any insight would be appreciated.

I don't think that 5 is necessarily too young to attend a funeral, and I do think there are benefits to attending funerals in childhood. (I, unfortunately, attended more than my share as a kid.)

However, if your DD wouldn't be able to sit through the service, I think she is too young to be there. I think it would make more sense for you to be able to sit through the service to process your own grief and to provide support to your spouse (if applicable).

 

[BlondeViki]

I agree with those who say if you think your child is old enough not to be too distressed by the experience, to take her.

I was very sheltered from death as a child and in fact did not attend my first funeral until i was age 22. I found it very hard because although I was old enough to understand death & dying, I wasn't ready for how overwhelming the whole day would be. Whilst I completely appreciate why my parents tried to keep this sort of thing away from me and my sister when we were young, I do wonder if I would deal with death better as an adult if I'd had begun my understanding of it as a younger child.