WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[AntePrincess]

Oh, and one more thing to consider: as your sons become teenagers, having snacks around becomes a great way to ensure that YOUR house is the "hangout house." I love the fact that my kids and their friends hang out at our house for the pool table, the swimming pool, and whatever else. I know who their friends are and what they're doing, because they're HERE. As silly as it sounds, snacks are a big part of that equation, particularly for teenage boys. I'll always make a run to 7-11 for some chips if my son wants to have the guys over. It's a cheap price to pay to know what they're up to.

This is so true. Every time it's mentioned I think of the scene from ET with the teen boys playing D&D surrounded by chips and soda and pizza boxes.

Children do not steal food from their homes. That's a bizarre concept, imho. When I buy things I need for recipes or specific events, I put it where my son and husband can't find it. That way, it's there when I need it.

I'm glad other people have been saying it. We just leave a big fruit bowl out the kids can always help themselves to, and when we get something special for baking, I always get a little extra because I know the kids will be into it. (I'm pretty sure the kids ate twice as many marshmallows straight from the bag as actually went into the marshmallow ice cream recipe we were trying out.)

I searched the OP's posts, and she had no problem back in Feb. eating 1/3 of a bowl of cookie dough batter. But her kids can't eat candy.

No wonder the kids sneak candy, she's MODELING sneaking junk food. I don't think there's anyway to stop the sneaking while she's sneaking herself.

I could never think of my kids eating food that I have bought in our house as stealing. It's just not.

It might be disobeying if you had told them they couldn't have it. But I'm not the food police in our house. I serve healthy, well-balanced meals and don't make a big deal about the occasional treat. We have no food problems.

Ditto. Though now I'm starting to worry that I don't keep enough junk food in the house. Maybe I should put the Nutella somewhere more accessible so the kids don't consider it forbidden fruit?

OP, what are your rules with regard to your kids helping themselves to food generally? My DS (10) is not allowed to help himself to anything other than juice or water without asking. He knows and understands that and, if I found out he had helped himsefl to something without asking, I would be taking the same position as you - that is stealing (taking something which does not belong to you without the owner's permission).

I'm curious about the OP's rules too, but your post caught my eye: your DS is 10 and can't help himself? I really hope my girls will help themselves pretty soon because I don't want to be waiting on them hand and foot when they want a snack much longer. They're still not able to pour from the big jug of milk, so I'm still on the hook. FTR, I was cooking on the stovetop at 10. I probably should have had more guidance than I had, though, since I once tried to microwave one of those flimsy Revereware style pots.

OT: Speaking of sneaking, I tried to hide the ruined pot under newspaper in the garbage bin. I was yelled at for it, but my mother was not so secretly delighted. A whole new nice set of pots appeared in the house shortly after. I have not yet embarked on a life of crime.

OP: The more I think about it, the more I agree with the other posters' focus. Sure you probably want to address the sneaking, but sneaking happens when they don't feel free to talk to you without being judged or punished. One of my dearest friends was pudgy as a tween. She was 'caught' eating leftover chicken cacciatore after school and her father, who was always down on her about her weight, started policing the food and making sure there wasn't anything remotely junky, or even something that could be eaten without cooking it from scratch, in the house. Needless to say, she has food issues. She put on a ton of weight in her last years at the house and not only can't she seem to shed it, but she can't shed the bad habits. She comes over to dinner at our house and she brings a grocery bag full of chips, candy, soda, and ketchup. And it's not to share. (Knowing my kids get confused by this, I always make a cake or other special dessert like ice cream and have treats they like on hand... unfortunately, this friend likes the mini cheeses and things I get for my kids, so she'll eat most of those too. )

 

[aprilgail2]

OP, what are your rules with regard to your kids helping themselves to food generally? My DS (10) is not allowed to help himself to anything other than juice or water without asking. He knows and understands that and, if I found out he had helped himsefl to something without asking, I would be taking the same position as you - that is stealing (taking something which does not belong to you without the owner's permission). I am making hte assumption that you don't starve your children and, therefore, I disagree with many of the posters here who appear to think you are being too harsh. My son does get treats but isn't allowed candy every day - it provides no nutritional value and should be looked upon as a treat. If you have something all the time, it is not a treat.

If your DS (and DD) knew the rules regarding helping themselves to candy/chocolate then they should be punished. If you have never made it clear before that they are not to help themselves, then now is the time to do it.

Having said that, my DS does get both chips and a chocolate cookie/sweet treat, plus yoghurt, fruit and a sandwich for his lunch and sometimes he still says that's not enough. He is a growing boy so, on occasions, he does get a little extra something in his packed lunch (a cupcake, maybe, or cereal bar) but candy and chocolate bars are not appropriate for school (in my opinion)..

I could never live this way-does he have some food allergies or issues that he is not allowed anything on his own?? If there is food in the house its fair game for anyone- eat it all and it doesnt get replaced until food shopping day. Come home from school grab any snack you want- i dont feel the need to be the food police and micromanage every food going into my childs mouth. Once they are teenagers they will be making their own choices why not start teaching them to make their own decisions and not micromanage every food choice.

 

[Wishing on a star]

WOW, a growing boy, helping himself to food and eating, without asking and getting express permission is 'stealing'.

 

[wilma-bride]

I'm curious about the OP's rules too, but your post caught my eye: your DS is 10 and can't help himself? I really hope my girls will help themselves pretty soon because I don't want to be waiting on them hand and foot when they want a snack much longer.

I think you may have misinterpreted my post (or maybe it is how I worded it) - my son CAN help himself IF he is given permission. What I meant is that he isn't allowed to just take a bag of chips or a packet of sweets/candy without asking first. If he is given permission then, yes, he gets the item himself.

He does make his own breakfast but he knows what is considered to be a breakfast item and is only allowed to have that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

People,

FOOD SHOULD NEVER BE A CONTROL OR DISCIPLINE ISSUE.

 

[wilma-bride]

I could never live this way-does he have some food allergies or issues that he is not allowed anything on his own?? If there is food in the house its fair game for anyone- eat it all and it doesnt get replaced until food shopping day. Come home from school grab any snack you want- i dont feel the need to be the food police and micromanage every food going into my childs mouth. Once they are teenagers they will be making their own choices why not start teaching them to make their own decisions and not micromanage every food choice.

Horses for courses - my son gets 3 healthy, balanced meals a day. He doesn't NEED extra snacks or candy. It is not about micro-managing, it is about the fact that he is a child and I am an adult. The food in the house is not 'fair game' - he has to learn restraint. If he comes home from school and says he's hungry and would like a snack, then he is allowed to have a snack. I don't 'deprive' him of anything but I do limit foods which have no nutritional value.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Horses for courses - my son gets 3 healthy, balanced meals a day. He doesn't NEED extra snacks or candy. It is not about micro-managing, it is about the fact that he is a child and I am an adult. The food in the house is not 'fair game' - he has to learn restraint. If he comes home from school and says he's hungry and would like a snack, then he is allowed to have a snack. I don't 'deprive' him of anything but I do limit foods which have no nutritional value.

I think now that you've further explained what you meant, it seems more reasonable. Most kids I know do have to ask before they grab snacks. I know if they didn't here, all the school lunch snacks would be gone on Tuesday and nobody would eat dinner.

The kids have snacks after school but if they come back an hour later looking for cookies because they are "so hungry", I don't let them have more junk.

 

[wilma-bride]

I think now that you've further explained what you meant, it seems more reasonable. Most kids I know do have to ask before they grab snacks. I know if they didn't here, all the school lunch snacks would be gone on Tuesday and nobody would eat dinner.

The kids have snacks after school but if they come back an hour later looking for cookies because they are "so hungry", I don't let them have more junk.

That's precisely it. It's not micro-managing, it is more about allowing what is reasonable. Like you say, after school, DS is often hungry and would be allowed a snack that I know will (should) satisfy his hunger. After that, he can easily wait the 2 hours until dinner. Similarly, if we are eating early then I might tell him he needs to wait until dinner. I don't think that is unreasonable. Some days I get home from work and feeel hungry but I know I am going to eat dinner an hour later and I will wait.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am sorry, and I am not meaning anything further than what I am saying here. But, I am not really buying the back-peddling.

IMHO, you are indeed controlling what is going into that kids mouth.
IMHO, it is crossing the line into micro-managing.
Exactly what he is eating and allowed to eat... when he is eating and allowed to eat, etc....

I can fully understand having a stash that is off-limits, because of the reasons that have been given.
I can fully understand having healthier options readily available for the taking.
But, there is no way I can understand the level of control that is being described.

However, basically saying, you don't put anything in your mouth unless I specifically serve it to you is, indeed, no question, 'controlling'.

As the parent of a healthy and not overweight teenaged boy, who as many know could eat us out of house and home.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around this approach.

 

[Mickeypooh99]

I would like to offer my support for OP. I have a similar situation with my 11 year old DS. He sneaks food all the time. I have no problem with him having snacks and candy in moderation, but he just can't stop himself from eating entire boxes of snack foods or entire bags of candy. We find piles of wrappers under his bed. We even found empty sugar packets in his room!

My DS knows we allow him a treat every day after dinner. He picks the treat. I buy foods he likes. He also usually takes a piece of candy each day in his lunch. He is allowed to have pop on the weekends. It doesn't matter. He is still the kid at the school parties stuffing his face with all the treats he can. The teachers probably assume we don't allow him sugar at home. I think people assume too much. Teachers think they can tell the child who can't have treats at home. Are they in my home watching what my child eats? I don't think so. Both my boys are raised the same as far as what they can eat. Only one of my boys stuffs his face with junk at every opportunity. Maybe people should stop assuming they know what goes on in everyone's home!

This was becoming a huge problem. He was sneaking around eating all this junk, and then not eating his dinner. I can't imagine what all the sugar was doing to his teeth. He put on a lot of weight in the last year too. We thought if we eliminate everything it would become the forbidden fruit situation that everyone is talking about. Well, we ended up doing just that. We put a lock on a pantry in the basement, and all the snacks and treats are now in that closet. DS knows he can ask me for the key and get a snack or treat each day, but I found that he rarely asks me for it. I guess out of sight out of mind.

It really bothers me that I can't trust him with junk food in the house, but I also try to look at it from his point of view. I have a hard time not eating junk too. So I made it easier for him to follow the rules by taking away the temptation. I chose to lock it up rather than not have it at all because we will still eat it in moderation. I do see your point about beer. We lock up our alcohol too. I never took alcohol from my parents, but who know what my kids will do. They are good kids, but sometimes good kids make bad choices.

 

[luvsJack]

I could see where some kids need some restraints put on the snacks that they eat or the amount. If any of my children had been overweight, I might have gone that route. But, I have never found a reason to limit what they eat or ever make it a rule that they have to ask.

I had a friend who was not allowed to just eat anything in the house. Her step-father was very controlling---to the point of abusive. He would throw a fit if she just went in the kitchen and got something to eat. She was very overweight her entire life, because food became such a control issue with her. She died a few month ago from a heart attack, a lot of her heart issues were due to her obesity and the obesity was a side effect of her unhealthy relationship with food. Now, do I think the OP or PP is controlling to that point, no. But, it's just an extreme example of what food control can do.

 

[NoSoup4U]

People,

FOOD SHOULD NEVER BE A CONTROL OR DISCIPLINE ISSUE.

Agree. I see that as controlling too. But hey, if thats how someone would like to raise their kids, then so be it.

I am sorry, and I am not meaning anything further than what I am saying here. But, I am not really buying the back-peddling.

IMHO, you are indeed controlling what is going into that kids mouth.
IMHO, it is crossing the line into micro-managing.
Exactly what he is eating and allowed to eat... when he is eating and allowed to eat, etc....

I can fully understand having a stash that is off-limits, because of the reasons that have been given.
I can fully understand having healthier options readily available for the taking.
But, there is no way I can understand the level of control that is being described.

However, basically saying, you don't put anything in your mouth unless I specifically serve it to you is, indeed, no question, 'controlling'.

As the parent of a healthy and not overweight teenaged boy, who as many know could eat us out of house and home.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around this approach.

BTW this is a discussion board and we are free to discuss. A lot of good points here. I hope the OP finds them useful.

 

[AddictedtoDoleWhip]

This reminds me of stuff I have read where parents try to control what their children eat to the point where the kids end up sneaking food from the kitchen and hiding it in their rooms because they want to eat it so bad even though they weren't allowed to. These children ended up having eating disorders, and I feel like the OP is teaching the kid bad eating habits and going to end up having them have issues with food.

 

[Wishing on a star]

He sneaks food all the time. I have no problem with him having snacks and candy in moderation, but he just can't stop himself from eating entire boxes of snack foods or entire bags of candy. We find piles of wrappers under his bed. We even found empty sugar packets in his room.....

Oh my goodness... That must be so hard for you to try to understand and deal with.

It sounds like you might be the less common type of case where there are some real underlying issues involved with your son.

Hopefully you are trying to address and deal with those, in addition to your efforts to control the negative effects of your precious son's OCD eating behaviors.

I can only send hugs!

Parenting can be HARD!!!!

 

[hops&dreams]

(I've not read the whole thread) but OP, from what you said in your original post...

I would look at 2 issues separately - the sneaking/stealing and the need for sweets.
sneaking/stealing - I would treat this as a dishonesty, and deliberate disobey-ing of rules. In my house, that warrants grounding. And we ground from things that matter to DD at the moment. So, if DD is in the middle of a book and can't wait to get back to it at night, she's grounded from reading (for pleasure), among other things. This works for us because if she was into video games, and we took that away, it would hurt just as much... our kid just happens to be more into reading than her Wii.

The need for the junk-food - I've found in my friends when I was growing up and my kid's friend - if something is banned, that kid will find a way to get it and binge on it. I've found this to be true for types of junk food, candy, ice-cream, tv, video games, soda pop, fashionable clothes... I've found parents who were so strict on food, their kids became obsessed with it and struggled with eating disorders as adults. As good as your intentions may be to reign in on the sweets, give your kids a chance to make their own choices. At the beginning, they might binge themselves because it's "omg, what they've ALWAYS wanted." but after a while, the allure will probably wear off and they'll make the RIGHT choices for themselves. DD understands the whole "everything in moderation" concept because we've allowed her to make choices for herself. We've let her make the wrong choice and learn from that lesson. (cotton candy, dippin dots, and running at a baseball game = very upset tummy) I am by no means implying that I'm a perfect parent, or even a great one at that, but I'm just trying to give you some food for thought... hope it helps.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Wow. Grounded from reading? for "stealing" food?

(I've not read the whole thread) but OP, from what you said in your original post...

I would look at 2 issues separately - the sneaking/stealing and the need for sweets.
sneaking/stealing - I would treat this as a dishonesty, and deliberate disobey-ing of rules. In my house, that warrants grounding. And we ground from things that matter to DD at the moment. So, if DD is in the middle of a book and can't wait to get back to it at night, she's grounded from reading (for pleasure), among other things. This works for us because if she was into video games, and we took that away, it would hurt just as much... our kid just happens to be more into reading than her Wii.

 

[Tinkermommy]

Chiming in here.

My husband was not given many treats when young (his mother is a diabetic and didn't buy any). When he was around 6 years old he stole a candy bar from the store. My MIL made him take it back, apologize etc (which I agree with).

She also took him to see their priest. She was sure he was going to get another lecture. When the priest asked him why he stole the candy, DH said, "Because she never buys me any." The priest then turned to my MIL and said "buy the kid some candy once in awhile."

I also think as parents we grossly underestimate the appetite and need for calories for kids as they grow (especially tweens). What may seem like a reasonable amount of food just isn't enough for them sometimes. I am astonished how much my kids can eat sometimes. Even my 6 year old eats more than me at certain meals.

Also, there is no stealing food in our house. If I need something for a recipe I put it away. I think you are missing a bigger point if focus on the "stealing" and not on they why. As many others have said before me.

 

[wilma-bride]

I am sorry, and I am not meaning anything further than what I am saying here. But, I am not really buying the back-peddling.

IMHO, you are indeed controlling what is going into that kids mouth.
IMHO, it is crossing the line into micro-managing.
Exactly what he is eating and allowed to eat... when he is eating and allowed to eat, etc....

I can fully understand having a stash that is off-limits, because of the reasons that have been given.
I can fully understand having healthier options readily available for the taking.
But, there is no way I can understand the level of control that is being described.

However, basically saying, you don't put anything in your mouth unless I specifically serve it to you is, indeed, no question, 'controlling'.

As the parent of a healthy and not overweight teenaged boy, who as many know could eat us out of house and home.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around this approach.

Assuming that this is aimed at me, firstly there is a difference between my child and yours. Yours is 15, mine is 10. Was yours allowed to eat exactly what he wanted, when he wanted at age 10? If so, fine if that worked for you. Where do you draw the line on what is controlling? Is he allowed to watch what he wants on TV, play computer/video games when he wants, for how long he wants, go to bed when he wants, go where he wants when he wants with who he wants? Was he allowed to do all thos things at age 10?

Children are children and they should have boundaries and limits.

Part of our boundaries and limits are that DS has to ask if he wants a snack. Simple as that. He may have less restrictions on other things but, knowing my child as I do, without limits I know he would not limit himself and I would end up in a situation like the previous poster whose son eats boxes and boxes of candy/chips/cookies.

As an example, while on vacation last year, we told our son he could order whatever he wanted for dinner, no need to order from kids' menus. After 3 nights of watching him waste more than half a meal because he had ordered a meal that (we told him) was far too much food, we put restrictions in place. Without those restrictions, I know he would have carried on over-ordering because he just wasn't recognising that it was too much for him. Everything the previous day had been forgotten and, when we reminded him, he would tell us it was different tonight because tonight he was really, really hungry. Because we'd originally told him it was OK, we had a difficult time going back on what we'd agreed. In the end, we explained to him why we had put the restrictions in place and he understood. Controlling? Maybe. Was I willing to keep flushing dollars down the drain? No.

I take exception to your suggestions of 'back-pedalling' - I was merely providing further clarification on a statement I had made previously. Yes, my son is allowed snacks. No, he is not allowed to just eat whatever he wants whenever he wants.

Will that continue indefinitely. No, probably not. I have two older DDs, one of whom still lives at home. She is an adult (20). She does not have to ask when she wants something to eat, she helps herself. Does she eat too much unhealthy stuff? Absolutely she does. Do I try to tell her I think she is eating unhealthily? Yes I do. Do I tell her she can't eat the stuff? No, because she is an adult.

At this point, I am bowing out of the thread as I have a horrible feeling this is going to get personal and nasty like most threads of a similar ilk.

Wishing on a star, your parenting methods (as far as food goes) do not and would not work for me. Does that make you wrong and me right? No. Does that make me wrong and you right? No. Like I said before, horses for courses.

 

[Poohforyou]

OP, what are your rules with regard to your kids helping themselves to food generally? My DS (10) is not allowed to help himself to anything other than juice or water without asking. He knows and understands that and, if I found out he had helped himsefl to something without asking, I would be taking the same position as you - that is stealing (taking something which does not belong to you without the owner's permission). I am making hte assumption that you don't starve your children and, therefore, I disagree with many of the posters here who appear to think you are being too harsh. My son does get treats but isn't allowed candy every day - it provides no nutritional value and should be looked upon as a treat. If you have something all the time, it is not a treat.

If your DS (and DD) knew the rules regarding helping themselves to candy/chocolate then they should be punished. If you have never made it clear before that they are not to help themselves, then now is the time to do it.

Having said that, my DS does get both chips and a chocolate cookie/sweet treat, plus yoghurt, fruit and a sandwich for his lunch and sometimes he still says that's not enough. He is a growing boy so, on occasions, he does get a little extra something in his packed lunch (a cupcake, maybe, or cereal bar) but candy and chocolate bars are not appropriate for school (in my opinion).

The best advice I could give would be to discuss it with your children and find out WHY they have been taking this stuff, then deal appropraitely with it and make sure they understand the rules going forward. I did like a previous poster's suggestion of letting them choose one treat each day from a big stash.

Wow, so every time your 10 yo is hungry he has to come ask you if he can have something to eat. Holy heck, with the frequency that my 13yo dd eats I'd be spending my entire day giving her permission to eat .

I can understand needing to ask to eat certain things but needing to ask every single time takes controlling behavior to a whole other level.

Just out of curiosity, who is the owner of the food in your house? If you're a SAHM does that mean your DH owns the food since he pays for it? Do you need to ask before you eat anything?

 

[NoSoup4U]

OP, what are your rules with regard to your kids helping themselves to food generally? My DS (10) is not allowed to help himself to anything other than juice or water without asking. He knows and understands that and, if I found out he had helped himsefl to something without asking, I would be taking the same position as you - that is stealing (taking something which does not belong to you without the owner's permission). I am making hte assumption that you don't starve your children and, therefore, I disagree with many of the posters here who appear to think you are being too harsh. My son does get treats but isn't allowed candy every day - it provides no nutritional value and should be looked upon as a treat. If you have something all the time, it is not a treat.

If your DS (and DD) knew the rules regarding helping themselves to candy/chocolate then they should be punished. If you have never made it clear before that they are not to help themselves, then now is the time to do it.

Having said that, my DS does get both chips and a chocolate cookie/sweet treat, plus yoghurt, fruit and a sandwich for his lunch and sometimes he still says that's not enough. He is a growing boy so, on occasions, he does get a little extra something in his packed lunch (a cupcake, maybe, or cereal bar) but candy and chocolate bars are not appropriate for school (in my opinion).

The best advice I could give would be to discuss it with your children and find out WHY they have been taking this stuff, then deal appropraitely with it and make sure they understand the rules going forward. I did like a previous poster's suggestion of letting them choose one treat each day from a big stash.

Wow, so every time your 10 yo is hungry he has to come ask you if he can have something to eat. Holy heck, with the frequency that my 13yo dd eats I'd be spending my entire day giving her permission to eat .

I can understand needing to ask to eat certain things but needing to ask every single time takes controlling behavior to a whole other level.

Just out of curiosity, who is the owner of the food in your house? If you're a SAHM does that mean your DH owns the food since he pays for it? Do you need to ask before you eat anything?

Unreal isnt it? Sorry but I cant even imagine. I can understand not wanting your kids to eat just before dinner. But to ask for permission every single time is beyond controlling. I would honestly seek help for this.