WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[Hrhpd]

I agree, and honestly I think this is the most tame "parenting dilemma" thread I have ever seen. Kids can be involved in some intense stuff that creates true dilemmas, sneaking candy comes under the heading of normal kid stuff!

If the kids can have the candy baked into a cookie why can't they have it by itself?

This is the first parenting thread I have ever seen that has reached 4 pages with 100% consensus. Must be a new DIS record!

 

[smidgy]

That's the thing....it isn't in plain sight. The shelves at eye level in the pantry have the lunch items, the pancake mix, the pasta. The high shelf at the back of the pantry (my eye level, not theirs, and they are on the small side) has the baking stuff....flour, sugar, choc chips, crisco, etc. The bag of PB cups and bag of kisses was mixed into the basket with the choc chips, behind the flour and sugar. So it wasn't in plain sight, nobody was walking by it every day.

I'm surprised folks are so offended by the chip thing....we also don't have jalapenos in the house, because DH and I don't like those, or sherbet, or hot dogs. My kids have chips when they are at parties, or at a pot luck, etc....we just don't have it in the house. We do buy things the kids like and we don't, that are healthy....like yogurt, raisins and ramen noodles. But back to the original topic--thanks, everyone, for the thoughts. I don't know that I'll start giving them candy, but you all have given me lots to think about.

not healthy.. loaded with sodium. I would let the kids have some sweet treats, candy, etc. I think you are setting up the perfect storm for eating disorders.

and even though I let my kids have sweets , I still had troubles keeping a can of ready made frosting in the cabinet!!!! what the heck is it with the frosting and teens/preteens?

ah, and canned ravioli. my boys would come home from school and eat a family size can for an after school snack! and still eat dinner in a couple hours!

 

[Turn the Page]

The kids probably just crave sugar more than you do. And even though the candy is on the baking shelf behind the flour and sugar and above their eye level they still know it's there so yes, they are being told to walk past it every day but aren't allowed to touch it.

I agree with pp's who say comparing it with taking a beer is ridiculous. It is not the same thing at all.

I also agree that calling your kids thieves for sneaking some candy is a big stretch. I think you're being a little too dramatic.

My family is full of people that love candy and sugar. Except, inexplicably, my DD7. She just doesn't like candy, I'm still not convinced I took the right baby home from the hospital. But I digress. When we were kids my brother and one of my cousins both just craved candy. They ate so much I don't know how they weren't bouncing off the walls all the time. After Halloween my mom would gather up all our candy and put it up high and allow us one or two small pieces a day which worked pretty well. My aunt took a different approach. She claimed she got sick of hearing my cousin beg for it so after he got done trick or treating she would let him eat as much as he wanted for three days then she threw the rest out. The kid learned that lesson quickly. After that if you gave him a candy bar he would eat it so fast he nearly choked on it because he knew if he didn't eat it fast she would take it away from him. It was really sad to watch.

It sounds like your kids crave more sugar than what they are getting in their diet. Now, I'm not suggesting you let them eat however much junk food they want but you could loosen up some.

 

[POPCITY]

I was an overweight kid, not horribly so, but a little pudgy. My mom would only let me have candy on holidays (Christmas, Easter, Halloween), but she would buy it the rest of the year for herself and my brother and sister. She would hide it in the back of the cabinets or in her bedroom. Every day after school the three of them would have candy, while I could have carrots or celery. Same with any fast food, they all had happy meals, I had a salad. So, I started "stealing" candy, or whatever else I could get my hands on.

Fast forward 35 years, and I'm very fat. I have had a lifelong urge to eat all of everything, because I feel like I have to. If I don't eat things when I have the chance, I won't have a second chance. I'm not blaming my mom, my choice, my responsibility, but those "forbidden food" habits from childhood are really hard to overcome.

I'm not saying you're setting your son up to be obese, but maybe you should step back and think about the messages you are sending him about food.

 

[Planogirl]

I occasionally buy treats such as candy or chips but only when I've been OK with everyone having some. I couldn't stay out of the candy myself if it was sitting in the pantry!

I would punish them lightly for being sneaky but I do not see this as stealing either. I wouldn't make this stuff so forbidden that it becomes overly appealing and I wouldn't keep it around on a regular basis either.

 

[leebee]

I'm honestly surprised that nobody sees this from the OP's POV. First, she DOES let her kids have sweets. They get a cookie in their lunch every day, and there are desserts; I'd LOVE it if someone was making cookies, pies, etc., in my house! What's the big deal if she doesn't feed them candy? I can't remember ever buying candy for DD just "to have" and she never snuck anything from the baking supplies (although I rarely bake, so my supplies weren't very tempting). Kids don't die from not having chips in the house. We rarely have chips... high salt, high fat, high calorie filler-food isn't something I choose to spend money on. Oh, we have chips sometimes- I probably buy 2 bags a year- and DD could always have whatever she chose to eat when away from home. It doesn't sound to me like OP forbids sweets, chips, candy, etc.; it just isn't stuff she chooses to have in her home. Besides, these are BAKING supplies. It's not like there's candy laying around and she's saying "look what we have that you can't have;" these are baking ingredients, stored away on the baking shelf, in the back, out of sight.

I didn't read her post as an issue with candy. It seems to me that she is concerned that her son (as opposed to her other child, her DAUGHTER) feels no compulsion about taking things if he wants them, even things that he knows he's not supposed to be into, and that his mom would say "no" to if he asked. Regardless of what instigated the situation, I, too, would be very concerned if I learned that my child would choose to do what he wants to do even when he knows he is not supposed to. How do you instill honesty and responsibility if a child chooses to do whatever it is he wants to do, regardless of what he knows is right or wrong?

I don't have a lot of suggestions here, OP. DD has always known that, while there are things she isn't allowed to do and would be in "trouble" for, it's nothing like the trouble she'd be in for lying to me, or sneaking. I have always been very clear with her that we need to be able to TRUST her. As punishment for sneaking the candy, I guess maybe, since your son cannot be trusted to stay out of the baking candy, I'd get rid of it and make sure the family knows that there won't be choc chip brownies, m&m cookies, pb blossoms, etc., because you can't trust the kids not to eat the candy. (I'd actually make the regular sweets but not put choc chips or other candy in the cookies, bars, etc.) Seems a reasonable response... I can't trust you with it so we cannot have it. However, not knowing your DS and what motivates him, I have no suggestions for figuring out how to teach your son to make the right, trustworthy, responsible choices instead of doing things because he wants to.

And FWIW, don't feel like you are the only one who limits what she offers her kids at home. We never have, on a regular basis, cookies, candy, soda, chips, pudding/dessert cups, brownies, cakes, pies, filled cracker/cookie sandwich packs, etc. in our house. Our big weakness is ice cream, which I try to purchase only once a month, in a 1/2 gallon container. heck, if it were here, we'd EAT it... just what we don't need!

 

[Hrhpd]

I occasionally buy treats such as candy or chips but only when I've been OK with everyone having some. I couldn't stay out of the candy myself if it was sitting in the pantry!

I would punish them lightly for being sneaky but I do not see this as stealing either. I wouldn't make this stuff so forbidden that it becomes overly appealing and I wouldn't keep it around on a regular basis either.

and sneaking a piece of candy certainly is not a crossroads of moral development. Really. I hardly think a child is going to end in Super Max for sneaking a piece of candy, a piece of candy Mom has already admitted she would not have allowed even if he had asked for it.

WWYD? We feel like this is a crossroads, or a crucial lesson that MUST be learned and he's 12 already. (DD8 is a follower and they both admit she told him not to do it but he did it anyway, for weeks apparently) If we don't get this lesson (don't steal) across now, I think we will miss a vital lesson in developing his character.
!

I think everybody has been clear on the WWYD. Lighten up and offer some more tween choices.

A small bag of baked Sun Chips is a healthier choice than a cup of Ramen.

 

[snoopy5386]

I'm honestly surprised that nobody sees this from the OP's POV. First, she DOES let her kids have sweets. They get a cookie in their lunch every day, and there are desserts; I'd LOVE it if someone was making cookies, pies, etc., in my house! What's the big deal if she doesn't feed them candy? I can't remember ever buying candy for DD just "to have" and she never snuck anything from the baking supplies (although I rarely bake, so my supplies weren't very tempting). Kids don't die from not having chips in the house. We rarely have chips... high salt, high fat, high calorie filler-food isn't something I choose to spend money on. Oh, we have chips sometimes- I probably buy 2 bags a year- and DD could always have whatever she chose to eat when away from home. It doesn't sound to me like OP forbids sweets, chips, candy, etc.; it just isn't stuff she chooses to have in her home. Besides, these are BAKING supplies. It's not like there's candy laying around and she's saying "look what we have that you can't have;" these are baking ingredients, stored away on the baking shelf, in the back, out of sight.

I didn't read her post as an issue with candy. It seems to me that she is concerned that her son (as opposed to her other child, her DAUGHTER) feels no compulsion about taking things if he wants them, even things that he knows he's not supposed to be into, and that his mom would say "no" to if he asked. Regardless of what instigated the situation, I, too, would be very concerned if I learned that my child would choose to do what he wants to do even when he knows he is not supposed to. How do you instill honesty and responsibility if a child chooses to do whatever it is he wants to do, regardless of what he knows is right or wrong?

I don't have a lot of suggestions here, OP. DD has always known that, while there are things she isn't allowed to do and would be in "trouble" for, it's nothing like the trouble she'd be in for lying to me, or sneaking. I have always been very clear with her that we need to be able to TRUST her. As punishment for sneaking the candy, I guess maybe, since your son cannot be trusted to stay out of the baking candy, I'd get rid of it and make sure the family knows that there won't be choc chip brownies, m&m cookies, pb blossoms, etc., because you can't trust the kids not to eat the candy. (I'd actually make the regular sweets but not put choc chips or other candy in the cookies, bars, etc.) Seems a reasonable response... I can't trust you with it so we cannot have it. However, not knowing your DS and what motivates him, I have no suggestions for figuring out how to teach your son to make the right, trustworthy, responsible choices instead of doing things because he wants to.

And FWIW, don't feel like you are the only one who limits what she offers her kids at home. We never have, on a regular basis, cookies, candy, soda, chips, pudding/dessert cups, brownies, cakes, pies, filled cracker/cookie sandwich packs, etc. in our house. Our big weakness is ice cream, which I try to purchase only once a month, in a 1/2 gallon container. heck, if it were here, we'd EAT it... just what we don't need!

The things she are giving them may just not be the things they want....my kids love to help me bake, but are rarely interested in eating the results, they'll have maybe 3 cookies out of a batch if we make their favorite kind but pass on the rest. They have no interest in eating pie or brownies either but go nuts for a few Starbursts or a Popsicle or a package of Cheetos. That's what they like.

 

[ironpig70]

Time for some punishment.

Whether its extra chores or standing in a corner or taking stuff away. What ever works best to get the message across. Its time they learn rules are rules.

As for the idea you should not have it around that doesn't work as when they get older they will be around lots of things they should not have.

 

[Nola Girl]

As a teacher I could always tell which kids were not allowed to have sweets or were limited at home. They were the ones who obsessed about trading snacks to get the sweets. On party days they ate cupcakes and drank punch until they were sick. It was heartbreaking to watch these kids gorge themselves instead of participating in games and other party activities. Please don't do this to your kid.

 

[tasha99]

This one caught my attention. If I was your kid you'd have bottles full of water in your cabinet


And omg, I ate a boullion too, thinking it was fudge!

Op, lighten up and let them have some junk before an eating disorder is formed

As a young teen, I remember my parents coming home and questioning why there was a lime in the lazy boy. We didn't tell, but while they were out, my brother and I made gin and tonics and watched Deliverance on the VHS. Good times, good times. We just watered the gin bottle a little afterward so no one could tell by looking.

 

[stackyallred]

Personally, I feel that if you've made a rule or there was an understanding that something was off limits and it is broken, there should be consequences- that is just how I would handle it but I certainly know we all feel differently about discipline. Of course the consequence in theory should "fit the crime" so this situation is probably not something to go too crazy about, but still a matter of concern. If you felt your child really didn't think it was a big deal, perhaps reiterate that it is and be clear about the rule for future reference.

When it comes to the eating habits we have established in my home, I'm trying to find a balance of helping my son (3.5) understand why i make the choices we do regarding food (to keep us healthy and to avoid future health problems) but also try to find healthy alternatives so he doesn't feel like he's missing out. Due to health problems and food allergies, I am on a very restricted diet. This diet is meant to heal and prevent further damage to my digestive system. Basically, I eat lean meats, fruit, vegetables, a few nut/but butters and two kinds of beans. No grains and no sugars. When I began this diet, I knew I couldn't be fixing two meals at each meal time- one for me and one for DS and DH so they eat what I eat 85% of the time. They do both have some non GMO whole grains, some coconut sugar and both drink coconut milk. I make treats with alternative flours (like almond flour) and I keep food dye free suckers and jelly beans on hand from trader joes (DS does not handle food coloring well at all so we avoid it). He knows the treats aren't every day- they are treats. But he does get them and though he may not completely understand why we eat this way yet, I do explain it to him and will continue to. He may ask for things he can't have, but he doesn't throw a fit when the answer is no. In social settings, I try my best to let him be a kid and try small things he wouldn't eat at home. Because our treats are limited at home, I don't mind letting him splurge a little. If there will be food I know he can't have (due to food dyes or dairy intolerance) I try to bring him something very similar to what will be served, in hopes again that he won't feel like the odd one. I know this will get much harder as he gets older but I hope to always emphasize WHY we have these food choices so hopefully one day he will choose habits that will lead him away from a lot of the issues I have.

... All that to say (geez I've written a novel, sorry, it's late and I'm long winded!) that whatever your reasons for your food habits, perhaps explaining why you've chose these rules will help (and maybe you have). Maybe try to give some alternatives on a certain day each week or surprise them occasionally so they have something to look forward to when they feel tempted to sneak a treat. ...Again just thoughts from another mom who is trying her best and realizes we all do things differently and that's ok.

 

[Bertnie20]

I'm kinda shocked with all the comments here, so judgemental. Here's my person story with this. Growing up I always had sugar candy pop cookies etc, and I hardly craved it knowing I could have it. My cousins would come over and nail the cookies and pop because they never got it. Now I eat healthy and my cousin eats junk. HOWEVER: a child I babysit

 

[Bertnie20]

Oops hit send, I babysit a kid that craves sugar like no other will sneak it out and his parents let him have it when he wants, it's not forbidden. You all know your own kids and are to make the best decisions for them personally. Not every kid is the same and they need handled differently. I would figure out why, and go from there, maybe make it as a treat for good behavior, but not something that goes to school. (The schools out here by me, they can't take anything sweet except for on their bday)

 

[brockash]

I'm honestly surprised that nobody sees this from the OP's POV. First, she DOES let her kids have sweets. They get a cookie in their lunch every day, and there are desserts; I'd LOVE it if someone was making cookies, pies, etc., in my house! What's the big deal if she doesn't feed them candy? I can't remember ever buying candy for DD just "to have" and she never snuck anything from the baking supplies (although I rarely bake, so my supplies weren't very tempting). Kids don't die from not having chips in the house. We rarely have chips... high salt, high fat, high calorie filler-food isn't something I choose to spend money on. Oh, we have chips sometimes- I probably buy 2 bags a year- and DD could always have whatever she chose to eat when away from home. It doesn't sound to me like OP forbids sweets, chips, candy, etc.; it just isn't stuff she chooses to have in her home. Besides, these are BAKING supplies. It's not like there's candy laying around and she's saying "look what we have that you can't have;" these are baking ingredients, stored away on the baking shelf, in the back, out of sight.

I didn't read her post as an issue with candy. It seems to me that she is concerned that her son (as opposed to her other child, her DAUGHTER) feels no compulsion about taking things if he wants them, even things that he knows he's not supposed to be into, and that his mom would say "no" to if he asked. Regardless of what instigated the situation, I, too, would be very concerned if I learned that my child would choose to do what he wants to do even when he knows he is not supposed to. How do you instill honesty and responsibility if a child chooses to do whatever it is he wants to do, regardless of what he knows is right or wrong?

I don't have a lot of suggestions here, OP. DD has always known that, while there are things she isn't allowed to do and would be in "trouble" for, it's nothing like the trouble she'd be in for lying to me, or sneaking. I have always been very clear with her that we need to be able to TRUST her. As punishment for sneaking the candy, I guess maybe, since your son cannot be trusted to stay out of the baking candy, I'd get rid of it and make sure the family knows that there won't be choc chip brownies, m&m cookies, pb blossoms, etc., because you can't trust the kids not to eat the candy. (I'd actually make the regular sweets but not put choc chips or other candy in the cookies, bars, etc.) Seems a reasonable response... I can't trust you with it so we cannot have it. However, not knowing your DS and what motivates him, I have no suggestions for figuring out how to teach your son to make the right, trustworthy, responsible choices instead of doing things because he wants to.

And FWIW, don't feel like you are the only one who limits what she offers her kids at home. We never have, on a regular basis, cookies, candy, soda, chips, pudding/dessert cups, brownies, cakes, pies, filled cracker/cookie sandwich packs, etc. in our house. Our big weakness is ice cream, which I try to purchase only once a month, in a 1/2 gallon container. heck, if it were here, we'd EAT it... just what we don't need!

I agree. I also don't buy that this is a control or a consequence of OP being too strict with food. My DS (11) has done this in the past as well. It does anger and agitate me, but I'm just not sure it's a battle that I should engage in. I let my kids pick a bag of chips (it's what they prefer) each week, and they usually have that as their snack each day. During the week they usually get a piece of candy or two that we have in the house and sometimes they eat popsicles etc. for snack. Point is, they aren't super-healthy eaters who aren't allowed some junk (they are both pretty active and both "fit"), and my ds (11) still has done this sneaking thing. I don't know why he does it, and obviously I put limits on the amount of junk I'll allow my kids to have, but I think it's totally irresponsible and potentially harmful, not to.

OP, I'm really not sure what the best answer is. On the one hand, I wouldn't want my kids to feel like they were not allowed to eat without asking in their own home, but on the other hand, junk is junk and for the most part, my kids do need to ask/let me know when they're going to have some kind of junk food. So far, I haven't really made a big issue out of it, as I'm just not sure it would do any good, but good luck to you. I'm just hoping he outgrows it, as I did it at times when I was a kid.

 

[Nancyg56]

You and your husband aren't chip people, so your sons can't have chips. But you do like to bake, so they can have cookies?? So your son's tastes in snacks need to match those of you and your husband?

And I also have an issue with "same as stealing at the store." In our home, food belongs to the family. So if there's ice cream in the freezer, it doesn't belong to me or to my husband, but to the family. Sure, I told my daughter this morning that she couldn't have it for breakfast, but after school she was welcome to it... because it wasn't "MINE", it was "OURS"-- no stealing necessary.

I honestly don't think you're being fair. The snacks your sons are allowed to have are the ones that match your fondness for baking. And I think you're setting them up for some major food issues if the only way to get more than one cookie as a school snack is to "steal" some. Unless one of your sons is a diabetic or something... and the homebaked cookies thing seems to imply that he's not-- then I can't imagine why the rules need to be so stringent. Why not have a variety of snacks around the house? Perhaps have the kids request one, and make sure that they mix healthy sacks, like fruit, with less healthy ones, like those homemade cookies, some candy on occasion, and an occasional bag of chips.

Those chip bags that your son ends up with: I imagine he's trading those home baked cookies for them because he's in the mood for salty instead of sweet.

And I don't think the beer comparison holds water. For starters, beer is illegal for minors, candy isn't. More imporant, there's a concrete reason why beer isn't good for them, one they're well aware of. And if you thought that your son was sneaking beer, I'm guessing it would no longer be accessible in your home. Na I'm guessing that if you had a child who was bulemic, you would make sure that laxitives were hard to come by. Yet the candy continues to show up in the back of the pantry.

I agree!

There is a big difference between stealing and sneaking some candy! Your strict food rules have caused this. Because you and your husband don't care for chips the kids can't have them?? Its actually mean to have candy there and say you can look at it but don't touch it! I have never limited candy for my daughter, she likes candy but since its always there and she can grab a piece here and there when she feels like it its not the big "forbidden fruit" thing. When she goes trick or treating we actually have to empty out her bag of candy that was still left from the previous year in order to use the same bag to trick or treat. I think you are being totally unreasonable, especially with him being 12 years old, certainly old enough to start policing his own food.

 

[Aliceacc]

And not to worry. He isn't named Billy. The names were changed to protect the innocent.

And to aggravate the guilty!

(Sorry, I couldn't resist. That's what we've always added to the Dragnet disclaimer.)

Back to the OP: Parenting is so much more difficult than people realize. And each of us does the very best we can, with what's best for our children at the forefront of every decision we make.

But, like most here, I think you're choosing the wrong battle this time. It sounds like, aside from this issue, you have 2 great kids. So maybe, once you get past the sneaking around thing, you could rethink your stand on the whole snack thing. Unless there's a medical reason why they should be such a big issue, consider simply having a variety of snacks around. Your kids are good kids. If you do buy a 12 pack of chips and some candy, and they all disappear the first night, then there are none left until the next shopping trip. Oh well, they're back to the apples and yogurt.

But with all the issues to stand between parents and kids, this isn't the battle ground I would choose. And I do think that placing such a huge emphasis on snacks is only going to lead to problems down the road for your sons.

You sound like good parents who want what's best for your kids. But I would seriously reccommend reconsidering your stance on the food issues.

Oh, and one more thing to consider: as your sons become teenagers, having snacks around becomes a great way to ensure that YOUR house is the "hangout house." I love the fact that my kids and their friends hang out at our house for the pool table, the swimming pool, and whatever else. I know who their friends are and what they're doing, because they're HERE. As silly as it sounds, snacks are a big part of that equation, particularly for teenage boys. I'll always make a run to 7-11 for some chips if my son wants to have the guys over. It's a cheap price to pay to know what they're up to.

 

[PollyannaMom]

As far as parenting philosophy goes, I am in the camp that forbidding things like sweets only makes kids want them more. And I believe letting children have small choices now teaches them how to make choices so they are ready later when it's all on them. So I might consider in the future giving them a small budget to work with to choose a few of their own treats at the grocery store.

But, for right now, you say you're more concerned with the fact that Your DS thinks he can have anything he wants even if he knows she would say no. So, I would deal with it as an issue of "You knew I bought these because I was going to make something with them, and you opened them anyway. That was rude and disrespectful. Here's what you need to do to make up for it.....". Let him know that the punishment isn't about eating candy, it's about not being honest. And keep up with the honesty theme for a while. (Use that Scout curriculum to your advantage, movies, etc.)

PS - I wouldn't worry that the chips are connected. It just sounds like your cookies are delicious, and rating big trades at school!

 

[shortbun]

Children do not steal food from their homes. That's a bizarre concept, imho. When I buy things I need for recipes or specific events, I put it where my son and husband can't find it. That way, it's there when I need it.

If you allowed candy once in a while, the natural consequences of them sneaking it would be to take the treat away for two weeks or so. Since it's totally outlawed...I don't know what to suggest. Ask them what they think the consequences should be. I've found children to be harder on themselves and more creative regarding punishment than I would have been.

I suggest that when this whole thing is over, you reconsider your rigid rules and allow occassional snacks that a typical pre teen would enjoy. One way could be to have Saturday be free snack day and allow 'forbidden' candy or chips. Even dieticians allow 'illegal' food twice a week so people losing weight don't feel deprived. As a diabetic, I can indulge once or twice a week as long as I measure and count what I eat and don't overdo it. Why? Because everyone knows that when deprived, all one thinks about it the thing that has been removed and success gets sabotaged.

 

[Poohforyou]

The things she are giving them may just not be the things they want....my kids love to help me bake, but are rarely interested in eating the results, they'll have maybe 3 cookies out of a batch if we make their favorite kind but pass on the rest. They have no interest in eating pie or brownies either but go nuts for a few Starbursts or a Popsicle or a package of Cheetos. That's what they like.

Exactly, a treat isn't a treat if it isn't something you really care about. I don't eat chips and the only candy I like is very dark chocolate. My family is completely different in their likes.

DD13 has a treat in her lunch box and a treat after dinner if she wants. Sometimes she'll have some chips after school. The thing is she'll often choose fruit, cheese or another healthy alternative when allowed to make choices for herself.

What the OP needs to realize is that at some point her kids will be making all their own food choices. If they aren't allowed some freedom to practice making those choices (sometimes healthy and sometimes not) they're likely to overload on the bad stuff at every opportunity.

Now, I do have to say there is nothing wrong with having things in the house that are off limits because they're for a recipe or whatever. I'll let my family know if they can't eat something and usually put it aside. I've never had an issue with them sneaking something because there are similar things to choose from.