WWYD -- Parenting Dilemma

[CdnCarrie]

I'd punish them for taking it, but I'd also make it less of a forbidden fruit.

Probably this. And I would have done the same thing as your son and I'm in my 30s. No way could chocolate be in the house and I wouldn't be lusting after it.

And another vote here for it not being stealing. I can't see food being in the family pantry as being stealing.

 

[cabanafrau]

Looks like to me OP is setting the stage for the mother of all teenage rebellions. I've seen several cases over the years where years of overly controlling parenting reap some nasty consequences.

IMO kids thrive where they have a strong sense of independence they are free to display within a structured family life. It's pretty sad to look back and realize they acted out in a big way, with even bigger consequences, because they've been chafing for years under parental control that knows no bounds.

 

[NoSoup4U]

Very very well put. Everyone likes different things. Some crave salty snacks, some crave sweet. I wouldnt assume cookies (which you bake) is what your son likes. You should ask him. And I agree that 'stealing food' from their own pantry is actually quite a sad way to put it. Its their home too isnt it? If you take food from your own pantry, it sure as heck cannot be called 'stealing'.

You and your husband aren't chip people, so your sons can't have chips. But you do like to bake, so they can have cookies?? So your son's tastes in snacks need to match those of you and your husband?

And I also have an issue with "same as stealing at the store." In our home, food belongs to the family. So if there's ice cream in the freezer, it doesn't belong to me or to my husband, but to the family. Sure, I told my daughter this morning that she couldn't have it for breakfast, but after school she was welcome to it... because it wasn't "MINE", it was "OURS"-- no stealing necessary.

I honestly don't think you're being fair. The snacks your sons are allowed to have are the ones that match your fondness for baking. And I think you're setting them up for some major food issues if the only way to get more than one cookie as a school snack is to "steal" some. Unless one of your sons is a diabetic or something... and the homebaked cookies thing seems to imply that he's not-- then I can't imagine why the rules need to be so stringent. Why not have a variety of snacks around the house? Perhaps have the kids request one, and make sure that they mix healthy sacks, like fruit, with less healthy ones, like those homemade cookies, some candy on occasion, and an occasional bag of chips.

Those chip bags that your son ends up with: I imagine he's trading those home baked cookies for them because he's in the mood for salty instead of sweet.

This is the first parenting thread I have ever seen that has reached 4 pages with 100% consensus. Must be a new DIS record!

not healthy.. loaded with sodium. I would let the kids have some sweet treats, candy, etc. I think you are setting up the perfect storm for eating disorders.

 

[NoSoup4U]

Looks like to me OP is setting the stage for the mother of all teenage rebellions. I've seen several cases over the years where years of overly controlling parenting reap some nasty consequences.

IMO kids thrive where they have a strong sense of independence they are free to display within a structured family life. It's pretty sad to look back and realize they acted out in a big way, with even bigger consequences, because they've been chafing for years under parental control that knows no bounds.

Yup.

 

[NoSoup4U]

I searched the OP's posts, and she had no problem back in Feb. eating 1/3 of a bowl of cookie dough batter. But her kids can't eat candy.

wow, interesting. That makes no sense? Theyre allowed cookie dough but not candy? Interesting. So for example, because I hate brownies and some baked goods, im shouldnt allow my kid have any? I allow him to eat only ice cream and chips because thats what I like?? Thats pretty much what the OP is doing. Doesnt seem fair.

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

The PP's have said it all, but I would add:

1. Pick your battles, this one just isn't worth it. If you feel that strongly about it, remove the temptation.

2. I find it interesting that the Dis'ers usually lambaste people for feeding their kids treats and sugar, but on this thread they are all for more treats and sugar.

3. Eating sugar makes you crave more sugar. If you really want them to not crave the candy, you have to stop with the cookies and pies. I don't think you can have it both ways.

 

[sunshinehighway]

wow, interesting. That makes no sense? Theyre allowed cookie dough but not candy? Interesting. So for example, because I hate brownies and some baked goods, im shouldnt allow my kid have any? I allow him to eat only ice cream and chips because thats what I like?? Thats pretty much what the OP is doing. Doesnt seem fair.

I think she eats the cookie dough, not the kids. It kind of sounds like she just gives them cookies because she likes eating the dough so its her excuse to make dough and seem like she's giving them a treat.

 

[Pigeon]

I could never think of my kids eating food that I have bought in our house as stealing. It's just not.

It might be disobeying if you had told them they couldn't have it. But I'm not the food police in our house. I serve healthy, well-balanced meals and don't make a big deal about the occasional treat. We have no food problems.

 

[clm10308]

I have had issues with my DDsimilar to the OP. the main difference was that our food restrictions are more of a budget issue than limiting sweets and snacks.

My kids take lunch to school most days and I do buy chips and sweets for lunches, but due to limited funds, there is a limit of how much I can purchase. Yes, the kids knew which foods were specifically for school lunches. Many, many time I would go to fix lunch for my DS and find out that all the chips were gone when they should have lasted several more days. My DD would take the stuff and eat it all day long if she could.

I didn't think of it as stealing, but I always tell my kids that if they are sneaking that means they know what they are doing is wrong. So there is punishment/consequences for those actions.

With my DD we tried many different punishments, but nothing really made her change that behavior.

What I finally did was change the situation. I buy x amount of chips and desserts for lunches and figure out how long that it should last. Then I just give them to her. If she eats it all in a few days, then she is stuck with buying her own stuff(which she does do) or take peanut butter sandwiches and carrots for lunches.

This change as really taken the pressure off us all. Now I truly don't care what she chooses to do with the chips, and my DSs food is separate from hers so that he has food for lunch.

 

[MeeskaMomma]

I think several of you need to move on from this post. I am not entirely sure she said she doesn't allow her kids candy. Your comments are no longer helpful, or supportive, but quite frankly you sound like bullies. How much can you really tell about a person from a few posts, and you are calling for therapy, searching through her previous post and making fun of her for previous things she said. Being a parent is stressful. There are a million different days to do things and everyone has a different style. I may not agree with all her rulers, but she obviously is reevaluating things or she wouldn't have come on here seeking advice. Let's keep it civil.

 

[leebee]

I think several of you need to move on from this post. I am not entirely sure she said she doesn't allow her kids candy. Your comments are no longer helpful, or supportive, but quite frankly you sound like bullies. How much can you really tell about a person from a few posts, and you are calling for therapy, searching through her previous post and making fun of her for previous things she said. Being a parent is stressful. There are a million different days to do things and everyone has a different style. I may not agree with all her rulers, but she obviously is reevaluating things or she wouldn't have come on here seeking advice. Let's keep it civil.

OH YES!!

It frustrates the daylights out of me when people jump on the bandwagon and bash a poster without reading, or remembering, the original post. She LETS her kids have sweets. These kids are a son and a DAUGHTER, not two sons. She doesn't forbid sweets or snacks, she is worried about her SON, who doesn't understand it's not OK to follow the rules just because he wants to do something else.

If you don't agree with someone and choose to criticize and bash instead of offer helpful comments and suggestions, AT LEAST GET THE DETAILS OF THE SITUATION CORRECT!!

(oh and we don't buy pop tarts or sweetened cereal, either. There's a few more buttons pushed, I would guess!!)

 

[mombrontrent]

Everyone is making it seem like the OP is an overcontroling parent that Is depriving her children

I don't see it this way at all. Sure treats and snacks are fine once in a while but why does a kid need to have chips, pop and candy everyday. I just don't get that mentality. I rarely had these things as a kid. Pop (only at parties), candy (at Halloween, parties and occasional trips to the store, which got more frequent when I got to be a pre-teen and had my own money). Chips, cookies and sugary cereal were rarely in my home as a kid but I was free to eat them outside the home. My mom did make homemade treats and desserts occasionally. I am now a grown women who never eats or buys candy, cookies, sugar cereals, pop ect. I simply do not have a taste for it.

I raise my kids the same way. We rarely have "junk food" in the house. My kids snack on popcorn, whole grain pretzels, and popsicals (one treat that I do buy) and mostly fruit. Occasionally I buy chips and ice cream (ok my DH does and shares with the kids). We don't even buy juice (we solely drink water here), a treat in the summer is homemade lemonade. I bake my own treats once in awhile.

Do my kids complain, yes sometimes, my DS13 always says "we have no good food here". The older two occasionally buy junk food at the store with their own money, through my son rarely because he has a hard time parting with his money. At parties they eat candy and drink pop and I am fine with that. All 3 don't like cake though and prefer fruit as a snack over most other things. In fact I have a hard time keeping fruit on hand but the box of snack pack cookies and crackers I bought a couple months ago is still in the pantry untouched. The snack packs of fruitcups and applesauces don't make it more then a couple days.

My 6 year old packed her own lunch today which included a salad, hemp seeds and pretzels. She takes a refillable water bottle. Would she eat a piece of candy if it was offered to her, of course, but would she eat the whole bowl, no. When we eat a complimentary breakfast at a hotel they like to choose a sugar cereal like fruit loops because we have never have them at home but they always choose the fruit option to go along with that and I think that's a great compromise for a special occasion. Are my children doomed to have food issues, I doubt it, me and my brother both turned out just fine.

 

[wvjules]

But the problem is...she wants her kids to want cookies, brownies, cakes, etc, when apparently they want candy. Instead of giving them cookies all the time, give them some stupid candy once in a while.

Punish them for the sneaking because it was 'wrong' however loosen up the candy rules a bit and they will probably stop feeling like they need to sneak the things they actually like. And buy the boy some chips once in a while.

 

[DLgal]

OP, are your kids generally healthy? If so, this is what I would recommend.

Get a small bowl, like a cereal bowl. Fill it up with wrapped candy (kisses, pb cups). Leave it out somewhere like the kitchen counter or something. Let the kids know that is THEIR candy, and they can eat as much as they want at a time, but you will ONLY fill the bowl once every week, so they better ration it. Put enough in there for each kid to have like 2 pieces per day for a week.

Hide the remainder of the candy somewhere like your bedroom or something, and use it when baking and then put it back in the hiding spot.

We do this in our home and after the first few days, the novelty of having a candy bowl wore off, and my son will occasionally come and grab 1 or 2 kisses, but I haven't filled that bowl since about March.

Maybe for awhile, stop with the homemade treats. It seems like they want candy as a lunch treat, so just throw a couple pieces in their lunches instead of cookies.

I also agree that it's not really stealing if the food is just sitting in the pantry. The pantry belongs to the household, and there really shouldn't be foods in there that the kids aren't allowed to have. Either don't buy them or hide them if you are saving them for specific cooking/baking purposes.

Now, if you suspect your child has some sort of food/eating issues, that is another discussion altogether.

 

[cheer25mom]

Seems to me like the problem here is twofold:

1. Yes the kids absolutely need to be punished for taking without asking. Not OK.


2. The root cause of WHY they are taking it. Maybe you need to consider loosening the reins a little on this particular issue and allowing this stuff in moderation. Beleive me, I have been through it with kids and their relationship to food. What you do now is going to effect eating habits for the rest of thier lives, and if they want these things badly enough to go behind your back to get them they are not developing heathly relationships with food and learning how to manage thier own eating.

My parents tried the "no junk, ever" tactic with us and it backfired big time. WE have a family tendency to be overweight, and they thought they were doing the right thing. We had exactly the problems you are having now, never learned how to consume treats in moderation, and overindulged when we were out of our parents control. It took me a LONG time to realize as an adult what we going on and WHY I was eating the way I was. I caused me lots of problems that could have been avoided by teaching healthy relationships with food and eating in moderation when we were kids. We were never taught that an occasional treat was ok, just thathose foods were "bad" and not allowed. It just didnt work.

 

[MSLRAC]

But the problem is...she wants her kids to want cookies, brownies, cakes, etc, when apparently they want candy. Instead of giving them cookies all the time, give them some stupid candy once in a while.

Punish them for the sneaking because it was 'wrong' however loosen up the candy rules a bit and they will probably stop feeling like they need to sneak the things they actually like. And buy the boy some chips once in a while.

Exactly! Save yourself the trouble of baking the dang cookies and let them eat the candy that is in the cookies if that is what they want. It's the same difference in my book. And unless the OP sat the kids down and said this candy is off limits, then I don't even think they should be punished for sneaking candy. One thing I have realized is that there are no implies rules with kids...you have to spell it out.

 

[wilma-bride]

OP, what are your rules with regard to your kids helping themselves to food generally? My DS (10) is not allowed to help himself to anything other than juice or water without asking. He knows and understands that and, if I found out he had helped himsefl to something without asking, I would be taking the same position as you - that is stealing (taking something which does not belong to you without the owner's permission). I am making hte assumption that you don't starve your children and, therefore, I disagree with many of the posters here who appear to think you are being too harsh. My son does get treats but isn't allowed candy every day - it provides no nutritional value and should be looked upon as a treat. If you have something all the time, it is not a treat.

If your DS (and DD) knew the rules regarding helping themselves to candy/chocolate then they should be punished. If you have never made it clear before that they are not to help themselves, then now is the time to do it.

Having said that, my DS does get both chips and a chocolate cookie/sweet treat, plus yoghurt, fruit and a sandwich for his lunch and sometimes he still says that's not enough. He is a growing boy so, on occasions, he does get a little extra something in his packed lunch (a cupcake, maybe, or cereal bar) but candy and chocolate bars are not appropriate for school (in my opinion).

The best advice I could give would be to discuss it with your children and find out WHY they have been taking this stuff, then deal appropraitely with it and make sure they understand the rules going forward. I did like a previous poster's suggestion of letting them choose one treat each day from a big stash.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Seems to me like the problem here is twofold:

1. Yes the kids absolutely need to be punished for taking without asking. Not OK.


2. The root cause of WHY they are taking it. Maybe you need to consider loosening the reins a little on this particular issue and allowing this stuff in moderation. Beleive me, I have been through it with kids and their relationship to food. What you do now is going to effect eating habits for the rest of thier lives, and if they want these things badly enough to go behind your back to get them they are not developing heathly relationships with food and learning how to manage thier own eating.

EXACTLY


First, anyone who thinks kids this age will not be 'raiding the cookie jar'...
Seriously, this has been proven time and again.
I can remember the 20/20 segment where they studied kids being left alone in a room, for a few minutes, being told "I will be back in a couple of minutes... do NOT get into those M&M's over there... EVERY SINGLE CHILD went for the candy. EVERY ONE. They had thought that there was one 'good girl' who managed to refrain. But upon review of the tapes... Yes, you guessed it. EVERY SINGLE CHILD went for the candy.

Second, anyone who is as controlling with food and treats, etc... as the OP seems to be, well, I have to agree with the post above. this is a problem. This will lead to even bigger problems. This is NOT a healthy 'relationship' with food and treats. I do not feel that what was described is appropriate. Eating disorders, obesity, anorexia, and a myriad of other problems will come from this type of 'control'. This can often show up as children hit their tween and teen years.

I also do not feel that it is a good thing to 'punish' kids for not maintaining unrealistic expectations.

My husband, after hitting 40, gaining a few pounds, and wanting to maintain his health, is now absolutely OCD about what he puts into his body. I had to establish very quickly, under no uncertain terms, that this was NOT going to apply to, or affect, my son in any way.

 

[Mandychelle79]

Seems to me like the problem here is twofold:

1. Yes the kids absolutely need to be punished for taking without asking. Not OK.

OP has already said the answer would be no if asked, her kids most likely already knew that.

Pretty much all the food brought into my house is fair game for everyone. If my kids decide to chow down on the chips that I bought for their lunches then they either have to buy lunch on a day they dont like what is being served or no chips in their lunch. Though I do typically keep the small bags of chips in the back of the car, they are welcome to get a bag at any time and they know that, but it is the out of sight out of mind type thing. And I have chips for my lunch and they have chips for theirs.

 

[design_mom]

I don't have any answers, but I wanted to let the OP know that I feel your pain.

We have sweets in our house and they are not forbidden. They can have cookies or some candy as an after school snack or as dessert after dinner. However, things seem to be disappearing around here at a great rate and I *never* see anyone eating it. All of the sudden, the package is just empty.

Upon my directly asking him, my 12 year old has acknowledged he's eating most of it. I don't really mind him eating it (and have told him so). He also eats plenty of healthy food and is very physically active, so I don't think it's really hurting him. However, it bothers me that I never see him eat it. I spend most of my time in the kitchen/family room (they're connected), and whenever I see him grab a snack, it's cheese or fruit or a bowl of cereal or ramen noodles... but he's eating the cookies/chocolate at SOME point. I feel like he must be "sneaking it" if I never see him eat it in the course of a day. And that bothers me. Why would he do that? (He insists that he's not sneaking it, he's just eating it and I must not have noticed... but I don't think so.)