WWYD, if anything?

[sk!mom]

OP here. I can assure you all that there is nothing more than her calling to chit chat about work. She is very much an extrovert. She is not lonely, doesn’t have anything horrible going on in her life and she isn’t interested in him nor is he interested in her. They are work friends. I really do like her. I really wouldn’t if I thought at all that there were any feelings there besides friends. I can see how looking from the outside it might seem that way. I definitely would feel the same way if a male co-worker were calling him every night. It is just getting old. And like another poster said, she doesn’t know her boundaries. He doesn’t seem super enthused when she calls so I wouldn’t say he enjoys these daily phone conversations...Info someone asked for...she is married and has grown children just like we do. She seems very happy and secure in her marriage.

OK, I’m going to take everything you said as fact- nothing is going on, she’s not lonely, and so on.

If that is all true then I would advise your DH to be very wary of anything he says to a coworker who wants to gossip about work daily. That is a really toxic person.

Plus, remember that those who gossip TO you Also gossip ABOUT you.

I actually had a colleague who would call me about every two weeks to vent, ask advice (as I had previously been her mentor), etc... Even that got to be too much for me as I realized that she was a very negative person. I started letting any inconvenient call go to voicemail and cutting any call that turned gossipy or negative short. She got the message.

 

[cabanafrau]

My DH uses speakerphone ALL the time. He prefers we all do - he is wary of holding the phone too close to his ear all the time because of all the chatter out there about it causing health problems.

Our whole family is used to listening to all his conversations. And he is on the phone ALL day - mostly with various companies and stores or errand-type things. It is surprisingly not as disrupting as it sounds.

OP - glad your DH is acknowledging your irritation and is willing to try to limit the problem. My DH had a bunch of chatty coworkers too - they called all night and all weekend about everything - some important and some unimportant. Seemed like the office culture was just endless calls and texts. I thought it was nuts - and I’m a chatty person.

God bless you. I would have to either divorce or convince my husband that any ill health effects caused by holding a phone to his head all day would be preferable to what I would be forced to do to him if I had to hear him on speakerphone daily. Apparently the fact we both are irritated by speakerphones is the secret to holding our marriage together. Sounds like you and your husband have also had the good fortune of finding your mate.

 

[luvsJack]

Do you have one work friend that calls you 7 days a week to gossip about work?

If so, that's pretty inappropriate.

If not, your situation isn't relevant to this conversation.

You stated that it was inappropriate for a co-worker to call outside of work to talk about non-work related topics in the post I quoted. You said nothing about gossip. You also never said 7 days a week. You implied that ANY calling of a co worker outside of work was inappropriate.

People gossip. Its what they do. Honestly, its never "appropriate" I am fairly sure we have gossiped about co-workers. As for the 7 days a week, some weeks yes, we do talk some every day. Sometimes about work, sometimes not at all. Remember: My husband is gone 5 days a week every week and every other weekend. So its not the same in the respect of taking time away from anyone.

 

[DisneyHardin]

It’s inappropriate for co workers to be friends outside of work? I have several friends at work that I talk to outside of work. We meet for dinner. Have phone conversations and they call or text to check on me on the weekends when dh is gone. What on earth could be inappropriate about it?

I totally agree with this. I don't think it is inappropriate to be friends with the people from work. You spend 8+ hours a day with them - it's just natural that you are going to develop friendships.

My closest friend is someone I work with. We talk/text all the time outside of work. Sometimes to gossip/vent about work stuff, but most of the time it's just regular chit chat.

 

[Moliphino]

She sounds like some people I know who really just love to talk all the time to anyone who will listen. Since she's found your husband will listen she'll continue to talk.
I'm the complete opposite, so I'd be trying to nip that in the bud real quick.

 

[ronandannette]

OK, I’m going to take everything you said as fact- nothing is going on, she’s not lonely, and so on.

If that is all true then I would advise your DH to be vary wary of anything he says to a coworker who wants to gossip about work daily. That is a really toxic person.

Plus, remember that those who gossip TO you Also gossip ABOUT you.

I actually had a colleague who would call me about every two weeks to vent, ask advice (as I had previously been her mentor), etc... Even that got to be too much for me as I realized that she was a very negative person. I started letting any inconvenient call go to voicemail and cutting any call that turned gossipy or negative short. She got the message.

 

[plygph]

Give me a break!! As soon as I read the OP I knew this would all be blamed on the ‘bizarre’, ‘lonely’, man stealing woman. Or, if we’re blaming the man, it’s because he can’t fight her off.

They’re friends. They like to talk outside work. I wouldn’t want someone calling 24/7 and neither would my husband but he has friends that are gots and I have friends who are guys..no big deal.

Honestly, it sounds like there are a LOT of very insecure people on this thread who should be looking at their own relationship first, before offering advice on anyone else’s.

Because a man and woman can’t possibly just be friends? Really?

LOVE IT and on TARGET

My 2 cents

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't know what is going on between the OP's husband and the woman (if anything) but it's still strange to have your coworker calling you and texting you that often.

I love my mom but I so don't need her to call me all the time to chit chat. It's even more strange that this is a coworker (male or female). I don't think talk outside of work is a problem. I think the frequency combined with all that is being discussed (random chit chat) is way different than a talk here and there with coworkers or calling about work that just cannot wait until in the office.

If this is really all about the husband not feeling comfortable rocking the boat I have to wonder how he gets any work done at the office. Maybe she saves ALL of her chit chat for after work hours but still. OP it's not your problem to get it to stop it's your husband. That said it's your problem (in so that you need to discuss with your husband) if this is bothering you.

Everyone needs a good work-life balance and from what you describe non-confrontational husband or not there's no definitive line being drawn here between home life and work life it's all blurring into a habitual, frequent text and phone call mess.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I'm still wondering about the HR departments and now the conversation morphed into how often one should speak with parents and the proper method of communications, LOL.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'm still wondering about the HR departments and now the conversation morphed into how often one should speak with parents and the proper method of communications, LOL.

LOL right back at ya if that's all you got out of my comment (the assumption that at least part of your comment was aimed at my comment).

 

[NYCgrrl]

LOL right back at ya if that's all you got out of my comment (the assumption that at least part of your comment was aimed at my comment).

Wrong assumption.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Wrong assumption.

Good to hear, it was the how often one should speak to parents that mirrored what I said about my mom that made me think it was in part about me. Given that your comment was just after mine you'll have to forgive me for my assumption here and you have my apologies on that

 

[Disney Doll]

People who work together gossip. If work forbids gossip at work, then they will gossip outside of work.

A coworker calling occasionally (and by occasionally I mean no more than 1-2x/month) to gossip about something at work might be “OK” but every day including weekends...nope.

I have a male friend at work. We used to work in the same dept but no longer do. We now work in depts that are sort of dependent or very interactive with each other, so we keep each other “in the loop” about what’s going on, usually by text. Sometimes if it’s a “big” story we’ll call instead of text just because it’s easier to tell a big story than to text it.

I would never dream of calling him daily during off work hours to discuss mundane things. I would consider myself to be being far too intrusive.

Your DH May be a really nice guy who dislikes confrontation but there are ways to handle the situation that don’t require him to say “stop calling me you crazy loon”.
Let calls go to VM.
Say “I’m sorry Mary but I can’t talk right now. I’ll see you tomorrow”

I agree with a PP that she might have a bit of an”thing”for him and he might be enjoying the attention. Age, years married and all that other jazz don’t really matter. My uncle was married 40 years with 7 grown children, multiple grandchildren etc and he met someone else.

And I find it interesting that you brought this up as a topic (or DH has taken note of your irritation when she calls) and suddenly no daily call. Coincidental? I’m going to say no.
I trust my husband implicitly. But it doesn’t hurt to be aware of what’s going on, changes in behavior, if another woman seems to be a bit too clingy...especially in the workplace. Friendships can morph into something additional or, even worse, putting affair thoughts aside, your nice guy husband can suddenly be being accused of harassment or something and what does she have? Phone records with evidence of a multitude of calls between them after work hours on a daily basis.

 

[luvsJack]

People who work together gossip. If work forbids gossip at work, then they will gossip outside of work.

A coworker calling occasionally (and by occasionally I mean no more than 1-2x/month) to gossip about something at work might be “OK” but every day including weekends...nope.

I have a male friend at work. We used to work in the same dept but no longer do. We now work in depts that are sort of dependent or very interactive with each other, so we keep each other “in the loop” about what’s going on, usually by text. Sometimes if it’s a “big” story we’ll call instead of text just because it’s easier to tell a big story than to text it.

I would never dream of calling him daily during off work hours to discuss mundane things. I would consider myself to be being far too intrusive.

Your DH May be a really nice guy who dislikes confrontation but there are ways to handle the situation that don’t require him to say “stop calling me you crazy loon”.
Let calls go to VM.
Say “I’m sorry Mary but I can’t talk right now. I’ll see you tomorrow”

I agree with a PP that she might have a bit of an”thing”for him and he might be enjoying the attention. Age, years married and all that other jazz don’t really matter. My uncle was married 40 years with 7 grown children, multiple grandchildren etc and he met someone else.

And I find it interesting that you brought this up as a topic (or DH has taken note of your irritation when she calls) and suddenly no daily call. Coincidental? I’m going to say no.
I trust my husband implicitly. But it doesn’t hurt to be aware of what’s going on, changes in behavior, if another woman seems to be a bit too clingy...especially in the workplace. Friendships can morph into something additional or, even worse, putting affair thoughts aside, your nice guy husband can suddenly be being accused of harassment or something and what does she have? Phone records with evidence of a multitude of calls between them after work hours on a daily basis.

The phone records will show who called and texted whom. Not sure how she can accuse him of harassment.

 

[Disney Doll]

The phone records will show who called and texted whom. Not sure how she can accuse him of harassment.

Maybe she can’t but it’s not a chance I would take with a work colleague.

 

[HollyHobbie111]

And I find it interesting that you brought this up as a topic (or DH has taken note of your irritation when she calls) and suddenly no daily call. Coincidental? I’m going to say no.

It was only for that one day. Not sure what she had going on that she couldn’t put in a call to him. She did call on Saturday and Sunday. He let it go to VM on Saturday but she didn’t leave a message. On Sunday he answered. It was just chit-chat. Nothing about work at all. Not even gossip. I’m really tired of this. We have a really good relationship and talk to each other about everything. I don’t know why I am having a hard time discussing this with him.
And I would be annoyed if it was a man, but I am beginning to believe that maybe I AM a little jealous. In my mind, I don’t believe there is anything more to this than friendship. It just hurts my heart to know that he is choosing her need to chit-chat over my feelings. He knows my feelings because he has said that he knows it is bothering/annoying me. I can’t remember his exact words. I think it was something like, “I know you aren’t happy with me over these phone calls.” That was my chance to jump in and talk about it but I didn’t. My advice to someone else would be...If you don’t talk to him, you can’t expect him to do anything about it or to know the extent that it is bothering you. I need to follow that advice.
I came here to make sure I had a valid reason to not like what was going on. I told myself that if y’all said that it was no big deal, I was going to let it go (not really sure I could have). But since y’all have validated how I feel, I need to stop whining and do something. As another poster said, I’m not going to give him an ultimatum, but I am going to tell him how I feel.

 

[nkereina]

Glad to hear your DH is addressing it, OP.

I work in an environment where its very commonplace (but not required) for people to log on and do work outside of business hours and check/respond to emails from their phones at all hours. I made it a point to set "rules" for myself - no email on my phone so I'm not tempted to check it outside of working hours, and when I log off at the end of the day, that's it for my work day. I don't log on later on unless I have a deadline that requires I put in extra time. I also don't interact with coworkers outside of working hours, unless its a quick question or emergency. And even then, its a quick text message. I've found that abiding by my self-imposed rules makes it easier to compartmentalize work stress, enjoy family time without distraction, and its just better for my mental health too, knowing I don't have to be glued to work all the time.

 

[Colleen27]

We had a similar issue with one of DH's (male) coworkers. He's a bit older than us, a divorced empty-nester, and his adult daughters have recently gotten really busy with their own lives (one newly married and in a demanding job, the other just had her first child) so I think he's just lonely... but that didn't change the fact that his almost-daily calls were interrupting our family time. It took DH a very, very long time to get annoyed enough to say something about it, though, because he didn't want to make things awkward at work and because he does genuinely like this guy and didn't want to hurt his feelings. But in the end, he brought it up one day over lunch and just explained as nicely as he could that we're a really busy family and we try to make the most of the time we have when we're all together, and that means not chatting on the phone much. Especially not with coworkers, since it isn't unusual for him to spend more waking hours with his coworkers than with me and the kids in any given week. Fortunately, the coworker took it well and they still chat at lunch and have a good working relationship (they both have on-call responsibilities with some overlap, so that part is vital). He still calls once in a while, but much less often and at less disruptive times of day.

 

[Searc]

My husband spends more time with his colleagues at work than he does with me. So I'd have a major problem with someone who sees him all day every day stealing his time while he's home, too.

Nope, that **** would be shut down within a few days. I wouldn't allow it to go on for weeks.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the above.
It doesn't really matter who this is, whether they are male or female, whether they are a co-worker or friend or aquaintance or family, or whatever. That is all just sideline that I really won't make any comment on.
The husband is not respecting wifes basic and reasonable need and desire for personal, family, and down-time. If this is happening so frequently, at suppertime, in the evening, etc... sounds like she is way too easily set aside and disregarded, 'just because'.
A marriage/relationship has to have some priority.
The husband is placing somebody else's wants and convenience ahead of his wife.
That is the only real issue.
I would definitely not let this situation continue.
What Would I Do... I think it is time for the OP and her husband to have a real heart to heart about what they need and expect.