WWYD, if anything?

[HollyHobbie111]

I am a long time diser, yad, yada, yada. I have an issue I would like to get input on. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. My husband and I work for the same company. On our campus, there are two buildings. For many years, we worked in the same building. Didn’t really see each other much. Several months ago, he moved to a different job. They kind of created a couple of new positions and he and another lady that we work with were moved to those positions. We both knew her very well even though she worked in the building next door. Now they are both in a tiny office together connected to another tiny office that their boss is in. So, I really like this lady but she is kind of getting under my skin lately. She calls my husband EVERY night after work and even on Saturdays and Sundays. I know that the phone calls are very platonic because my husband puts all of his calls on speaker, including hers. Her conversations are always about work but are 95% just shooting the bull. Things like...you won’t believe what so and so did...let me tell you what so and so said to me as I was leaving work. My husband’s job starts and ends about an hour before hers so she feels the need to catch him up. She trains on the weekend and called him last Saturday to tell him that her trainee was 15 minutes late. Most of what she calls for could be discussed the next day at work. I know that they are just friends but to be honest, even if a male friend called him every, single day it would seem weird to me. She also texts him frequently. Even though I have kept my mouth shut, he knows that it annoys me and if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t like it at all. He is a very sweet person and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or make her mad. The only time I have said anything is when I told him that he could just not answer sometimes and maybe she would get the hint. He just won’t do that. It is really beginning to get under my skin. Would you just let it go and not say anything else and deal with her calling every single day, or would you press the issue? It makes me feel disrespected because first of all she shouldn’t be calling my husband every day, and second because I feel like he could at the very least dissuade her from calling by not answering her calls all the time. We are very open with our phones, texts, e-mails, etc. Am I making too much of this? I feel like maybe I am but then I also think if I were getting calls from a man I work every day, he wouldn’t like it either. I just can’t let it go!! What are your thoughts?

 

[RUDisney]

I hear you.

My DH was a commercial lender with a deadbeat customer that would call him several times a day. This guy couldn't pay his bills on time, so whenever he'd have money, he'd call my DH and DH would travel to him to pickup the cash. This guy would call multiple times a day and night. My DH didn't mind it because it was his job and he was trying to set the guy up to go to another bank to consolidate his debt.

I complained to my DH and told him that I was going to tell him to only bother him at work and not at home. DH explained that this wouldn't go on much longer, so I told him that I wouldn't say anything.

FF and on a Saturday, I'm cutting up chicken in my kitchen. The phone rings and I clean my hands and there is no one there. On the third time, I picked up the phone and started swearing into it and told the caller to leave us alone and not call again. The calls stopped.

DH asks me a few days later if I told him not to call. I said that I didn't and was going to honor DH's request. He says, "you didn't curse at anyone on the phone and tell them not to call back?"

Turns out, this guy was calling from a pay phone. He could hear me, but I couldn't hear him.

He didn't call again.

That doesn't fix your issue, but the situation was similar.

Your DH needs to tell her to stop calling after hours unless there is a business emergency or they are working on a project that requires it. He likes the information she provides, but all of it could wait until the next business day. That's the only way that this will stop.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I am a long time diser, yad, yada, yada. I have an issue I would like to get input on. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. My husband and I work for the same company. On our campus, there are two buildings. For many years, we worked in the same building. Didn’t really see each other much. Several months ago, he moved to a different job. They kind of created a couple of new positions and he and another lady that we work with were moved to those positions. We both knew her very well even though she worked in the building next door. Now they are both in a tiny office together connected to another tiny office that their boss is in. So, I really like this lady but she is kind of getting under my skin lately. She calls my husband EVERY night after work and even on Saturdays and Sundays. I know that the phone calls are very platonic because my husband puts all of his calls on speaker, including hers. Her conversations are always about work but are 95% just shooting the bull. Things like...you won’t believe what so and so did...let me tell you what so and so said to me as I was leaving work. My husband’s job starts and ends about an hour before hers so she feels the need to catch him up. She trains on the weekend and called him last Saturday to tell him that her trainee was 15 minutes late. Most of what she calls for could be discussed the next day at work. I know that they are just friends but to be honest, even if a male friend called him every, single day it would seem weird to me. She also texts him frequently. Even though I have kept my mouth shut, he knows that it annoys me and if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t like it at all. He is a very sweet person and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or make her mad. The only time I have said anything is when I told him that he could just not answer sometimes and maybe she would get the hint. He just won’t do that. It is really beginning to get under my skin. Would you just let it go and not say anything else and deal with her calling every single day, or would you press the issue? It makes me feel disrespected because first of all she shouldn’t be calling my husband every day, and second because I feel like he could at the very least dissuade her from calling by not answering her calls all the time. We are very open with our phones, texts, e-mails, etc. Am I making too much of this? I feel like maybe I am but then I also think if I were getting calls from a man I work every day, he wouldn’t like it either. I just can’t let it go!! What are your thoughts?

I think I would feel like you feel. Not sure how you can change it, though, if he is unwilling.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

So, the moral of @RUDisney's story is that the next time this lady calls at home, answer your husband's phone for him and swear at her.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I have been where you are and it WAS another male co-worker. DH is a truck driver and used to work for a fairly big company. A lot of the drivers became friends and talked on the phone a lot while on the road. Two of them would call all weekend too! And this wasn't just quick phone calls. These guys would want to talk for a few hours at a time. I finally told dh if he was going to spend his weekends on the phone, he might as well spend them on the road. He then realized how much time it was taking away from us and he just stopped answering them on the weekends.

You aren't upset just because his co-worker is a woman. Its bothering you because his co-worker is infringing on his time with his family. You just may have to figure out a way to get through to him how much she is doing this and he can put a stop to it. Really not much else you can do, honestly.

 

[piccolopat]

This needs to be stopped now. There is no reason for her to contact him outside of office hours unless there is an emergency on a joint project. You need to have the discussion with your husband because it is his job to separate work from home. He needs to know how much this is bothering you.

 

[Frozen Canuck]

This sounds like something that someone would write in to Ask A Manager about. You might want to try Allison's site to see if you can find some good scripts there. I think that first and foremost your husband needs to clearly state that when he is off work, that he would prefer not to be contacted unless it pertains to X or Y from work (emergency situations or whatever). He can say that he prefers to leave work at work and that the phone calls do not allow him to put work behind him in his off hours. (Or whatever would apply here.)

While this answer on AAM isn't exactly your scenario, it does give you an idea of what to aim for.

My staff keeps contacting me when I’m off work

 

[Hikergirl]

Unless they have a platonic relationship outside of work then they aren't friends they are just co-workers.
It is very strange for a co-worker to call another co-worker every single day.
Tell your dh to tell her that whatever she wants to discuss about work and be done at work.

 

[valval]

I understand your frustration. I want to believe that there are no bad intentions from neither side: not hers, nor your husband.

I wonder if your husband is maybe aware of some particular situation she's in (e.g. maybe she's a very lonely person or going through a very tough time) and your husband is being nice and putting up with it because he's aware of that something. Either way, I really think you have nothing to worry about, I think you could focus on making your at-home life better for you and your husband.
Making her aware that her presence is a bit too pressing would be the right thing to do. I think that could even come from you in the form of a joke when you see her at work or something?

 

[lovesmurfs]

Your husband needs to set boundaries with this woman. No calls or texts outside of work unless something occurs that would appear in a newspaper.

I work with several volunteer committees and if I get a call from one of the members on my cell phone at home, I don't answer and let it go to voicemail. I'll listen to the voicemail and decide whether it can wait until normal business hours.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I just think it's a fine line where the OP works at the same company. Personally, I would let DH knew it bothered me, but I wouldn't harp on it. (And we worked together at two different places.)

 

[MrsDuck]

I totally get it and I'd be annoyed too.

I think I'd ask my hubby to just simply not answer her calls.

 

[DopeyDame]

Just a few months ago, DH had a similar situation. It was a male coworker, but he kept calling about not-important-things right around dinner time. I stressed to my DH that it was really up to him to manage this. I'm a firm believer that family time is family time, and barring a work emergency, he shouldn't be accepting calls from coworkers during family time. DH totally got it, and just hadn't really realized how annoying it was to the rest of the family. Now he generally doesn't answer calls from this particular coworker after hours. You're not required to answer every call that comes on your phone. Sometimes you may not even hear it. It's OK to miss a call, and it's time your DH started doing that more often.

 

[loves to dive]

It depends on how your husband feels about the calls. If he doesn't mind, you really can't force him on the issue, if he does, maybe you discuss ways he can dissuade them. Since it does bother you, just be open with him and tell him it does and let him take it from there. Wouldn't really bother me but my honey has his own business and works from home, IT, so really he is on the phone or the computer almost all waking hours, including vacations.

 

[wenrob]

Agree with all above. This person is infringing on your DH’s personal time and therefore your personal time.

Several years ago my DH had an Internet radio show. Purely a hobby. He’d get calls from promoters and bands etc. but there was one promoter in particular who had no boundaries. He’d call at all hours (we had two toddlers at the time), EVERYTHING was important and could not wait. He’d keep my DH on the phone for hours to the point he’d miss dinner or the kids bedtime. Like yours my DH just didn’t have the heart to ignore his calls. Finally we were on vacation (which this guy had been told) and he called anyway. Well, I flipped out in the middle of Sea World. That was when my DH finally set some boundaries. Don’t be me. Talk to your DH and tell him it’s important to YOU that he gives this person limits.

 

[aprilchem]

I don't know... it sounds to me like your husband has a friend and enjoys interacting with his friend outside of work hours. Have you asked him if that's the case?

I work with my best friend, and we often text or call each other outside of work hours. Sometimes about work (we are in a department with only the two of us), and sometimes about non-work stuff. I don't talk to her on speakerphone when we talk, because I think it's normal for me to have friends and want to talk to them. We also hang out sometimes with our spouses, but we also go out without our spouses and just the two of us as well.

 

[_19disnA]

If 95% of the calls aren't work related, it sounds like she is trying to strike up a relationship or flirt with him even if he doesn't see it that way. Is she married? Seems her husband would have a similar issue about all of these calls. If she isn't married, she shouldn't be constantly calling a married man. Calling him DAILY as you indicated is inappropriate.

Cell phones have caller ID, so your husband could simply not answer the calls and perhaps she will get the message. If not, he needs to be more direct with her. He could simply tell her they are co-workers and he doesn't see the need to constantly discuss the office when at home. This way he doesn't come off as accusatory about her intentions.

 

[anniemae]

Unfortunately as annoying as it is to you, it seems to not bother DH much. It is up to DH to set the boundary. By taking her calls and chatting with her, he is encouraging the behavior. It is obvious there is nothing romantic going on, it's just an annoyance.

You need to sit DH down and tell him this needs to change and that she is infringing on family time and it's disrespectful to you. Then, it is up to him. He can either 1. ignore some of her calls and see if it stops her (unless he is "on call" and required to answer work calls) 2. Confront her and tell her that he would appreciate it if she only contacts him with work emergencies when he is off the clock or, 3. do nothing and the calls will continue. It seems he is not willing to ignore the calls and let them go to vm, which makes me wonder if he is required to answer work calls.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'd have a heart to heart with your husband, not so much about this particular issue that's bothering you, but why it seems it's more of a priority for him to be concerned about what might make his coworker unhappy as opposed to what is making his wife unhappy.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Your husband wants to talk with her. Or else he wouldn't.