WWYD (a couple layers)?

[Poohforyou]

Some of you are not being totally fair. I think the OP IS grateful and DOES want to go on the trip. Just because he doesn't expect his child to throw everything down and just GO doesn't mean that he is not grateful. If his dd doesn't want to be away from her team for a week, that doesn't mean she isn't grateful; it means she is living up to her commitment (while I think missing a week should be fine, the timing could be a hinderance)

If something very important is going on that week with the team, is it really fair to the other players if a key player isn't there?

DS played baseball and this was always a area of debate. While family vacations are something that should happen, when someone makes a commitment its only fair to give that commitment some consideration. I mean, if our family planned a huge family vacation and it was in the middle of the week of the District Tournament--we did NOT go, regardless of who was paying or going. So, I could see how it may be that his dd CAN miss a week but what if its not THAT week, KWIM?

I think the OP's problem really wasn't about his dd missing the week anyway, it was about his mom not giving him time to check with her coach. That on top of the "only worrying about the little ones" remark, made it seem like she was dismissing the feelings of his 14 year old dd.

So it's your position that the 14 year old's activities should dictate what the rest of the family does? IMO giving a coach a years heads up is more than sufficient. I don't know why the OP would need a month or so to do that. One phone call would be all it would take. I also could see my own mother feeling the way the OP's does. When we were growing up a 14 year old didn't need organized activities. Heck, many 14 year olds were running activities for younger kids.

 

[tlbwriter]

So it's your position that the 14 year old's activities should dictate what the rest of the family does?

I don't know why you would jump to that extreme conclusion. The OP was simply concerned that the needs of the 14 yr old were being ignored. That doesn't mean the only other alternative is to let the 14 yr old "dictate what the rest of the family does." There is a perfectly good middle ground - take everybody's needs into consideration.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, this isn't really about baseball, airfare, teen activities, or anything else except a very clear case of control issues.

Yes, at this point, the baseball thing is totally bogus, because they are talking about NEXT year. One full year to be exact. Here is what was posted in the OP.

I told my parents when they first brought up the idea to give me a month or so and let me talk to the coach about when would be a good time to miss next year. Now my parents are like "The week of June 18."

I would be very, very hesitant to believe that in a few weeks the coach would have any idea at all of next years specific schedule.

Obviously, this type of trip needs to be planned for the summer when other kids are out of school and the other family(s) are ready to take their Summer vacation. If an older child is involved in this kind of sports activity during the summer... then it comes down to priority. The child and the parents need to make a personal decision which is more important.

I think that this is just the first year that the OP's child is old enough, and on a team like this, where they are having to deal with this. Maybe this is a new surprise to them... But, the thought that anyone planning this kind of thing for a vacation, or date such as birthday, wedding, etc. should be concerned, a full year in advance, about a teen's sports schedule is just not realistic.

The whole 'no teen club' thing is also bogus... Here is what was written in the OP.

Nothing's been booked yet, we don't even have a resort picked out.

I could never imagine any decent all-inclusive that would not have options for teens. And, to assume such, when the resort has not been picked yet, would be a mistake.

Basicly, there is NO real and valid (non imaginary) argument on either side here.

It amounts, fully, 100%, to control issues.

The grandparents insisting on setting a date an entire and full year in advance... without giving anybody any time at all to consider anything else in their schedule... totally unnecessary... a total control issue.

The grandparents making such as statement as "teen" will be with the adults... ( did they actually use the term 'adult activities'??? OMG, if they did... ) And, think about it... I guess that rules out any "adult" activities for the OP, like music and drinks in the evening... or time in their room alone while "teen" is otherwise occupied... I mean - seriously..." Nobody should skim over that statement and deny the true meaning and all that it entails. Again, totally presumptuous and total control issue. The grandparents should feel no responsibility or right at all to have any control or expectations over the teen's activities.

Same goes for the situation with the grandparents having to tell the OP that he really does not need to start researching airfares... The way that this was described in the original post, it was like... we are going to have head him off at the pass so he doesn't jump in and try to take any control and over-involve himself in the planning. Almost like some kind of defensive measure?

Anyhow, this isn't about baseball, airfare, teen activities, or anything else except a very clear case of control issues.

For the OP's sake, I do hope that this is all worked out!!!
I don't know if it will be.
But I am sending

 

[luvsJack]

So it's your position that the 14 year old's activities should dictate what the rest of the family does? IMO giving a coach a years heads up is more than sufficient. I don't know why the OP would need a month or so to do that. One phone call would be all it would take. I also could see my own mother feeling the way the OP's does. When we were growing up a 14 year old didn't need organized activities. Heck, many 14 year olds were running activities for younger kids.

No, but the 14 year old counts just as much as everyone else.

She accomplished something by trying out and making this team, it shouldn't be dismissed so easily.

The coach doesn't always have control over what tournaments are played when. In MY experience, key players are important to the team. DS was one of the top pitchers, the starting center fielder and a clean up hitter. His coach would have burst a blood vessel had we told him we would be gone during an important tournament. When you get to a certain level of a sport, you are making a commitment. That commitment should be honored the same as any other. The OP just wanted the chance to talk to the coach before the decision was made, I don't think that was too much to ask.

And incidently, sometime the coaches do have some idea of what is going on that far in advance. Dates for tournaments can be set quite awhile in advance. He may not know exactly but he may know an estimate of what will be going on, especailly if he has been doing this awhile.

And I didn't say the 14 year old did need organized activities but that doesn't mean she wants to hang out with the adults all week. There should be things for ALL of them.

 

[okeydokey]

Your teen will have plenty to do. Try not to plan for problems that most likely will not materialize.

Accept your parent's very kind and generous offer and go and have the best time you can. The memories of the time together will be worth it.

 

[singlefan]

Well, I for one, do think that you're being ungrateful and your attitude just goes to show that you have no respect for your parents and intend to pass that attitude along to your teen. Please don't go on this trip - it sounds way too stressful, and heck, in another 10 years or so your parents will probably be unable to make this generous offer again, so you won't have to deal with it. have a great life, and don't bother saving up to take your kids and grandchildren on a family vacation in another 20 years or so - I'm sure they'll have other plans.

 

[JessicaR]

My biggest problem would be the flights. Your daughter is social and will be fine. You have a years notice and early in the season is best. Most travel ball lasts til late July or even into August making it really difficult to plan anything so just go with it. I would HATE to let anyone else book flights for me. Flying has gotten to be such a pain and I trust no one to do everything necessary-watch for schedule changes, keep up on seat assignments thus making sure my children are seated with me...timing is everything on flights and there are certain airports that can not accomodate the connections being booked by the airlines; in other words, you could miss your flight. My parents, knowing how good I was at planning travel, put the trips in my hands. They paid, I planned. I checked with each member of the family and made sure they had what they needed. Your parents travel agent should be willing to make a call to each of you about flights for seating needs and airport choices. Tell your dad you'll be happy to let his agent do the work but you'll want to talk to them about your flights.

And-to all of you who would do whatever just because it's paid for-bad choice. Ask for a call from the travel agent to explain everything up front-things like documentation requirements, luggage allowances, seat assignments, room types and bedding should ALL be reviewed with each rooms's occupant. A good travel agent would want that. I did the job for 27 years and the old folks miss communicating things like-you all need passports and get them now in case the govenment shuts down, which includes passport offices. There's a lot to go over that you ALL need to hear and Mom and Dad, generous as they are, might not cover it all accurately.

I'm figuring you meant to quote the OPer? Only because I have boys and no daughters!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.... that prev. post was just uncalled for.



OP, again... THIS is what concerns me. (discussed in my post above)

and let the teen enjoy the adult activities ....

So, let the teen enjoy adult activities...
Like I said before, if this is anywhere near a verbatim quote....

It is clear that your teen is the odd-man-out here.... with no other cousins anywhere near their age on the vacation. And, that is tough... We just attended a function with my son, who is just now a teen, and he was in the same situation.

Your mother's comment here really does trouble me. On several levels... One, it is not appropriate, at all... Two, it is 'controlling'... They know your teen will not be wanting to spend every waking moment with the adults (and little kids) and will want to go and find other ways to enjoy themselves... And they are pretty much saying that 'this just won't happen'.

This is the one and only thing in your entire situation that I begin to see as a valid concern. And, if I couldn't find a way to communicate with them and to iron that one thing out before I would agree and let them confirm the ressies for your family, then I would be hesitant about the trip.

 

[Poohforyou]

No, but the 14 year old counts just as much as everyone else.

She accomplished something by trying out and making this team, it shouldn't be dismissed so easily.

The coach doesn't always have control over what tournaments are played when. In MY experience, key players are important to the team. DS was one of the top pitchers, the starting center fielder and a clean up hitter. His coach would have burst a blood vessel had we told him we would be gone during an important tournament. When you get to a certain level of a sport, you are making a commitment. That commitment should be honored the same as any other. The OP just wanted the chance to talk to the coach before the decision was made, I don't think that was too much to ask.

And incidently, sometime the coaches do have some idea of what is going on that far in advance. Dates for tournaments can be set quite awhile in advance. He may not know exactly but he may know an estimate of what will be going on, especailly if he has been doing this awhile.

And I didn't say the 14 year old did need organized activities but that doesn't mean she wants to hang out with the adults all week. There should be things for ALL of them.

I agree with you about the committment part but I don't think sports should take over a family's life. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. My biggest question is why it would take the OP a month to talk to the coach. If they don't know about what will be going on next summer now I doubt they'll know much better in a month. Certainly the 14 yo doesn't need to hang with the adults. My suggestion was for her to be given some freedom to make friends on her own at the pool or something like that.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, I for one, do think that you're being ungrateful and your attitude just goes to show that you have no respect for your parents and intend to pass that attitude along to your teen. Please don't go on this trip - it sounds way too stressful, and heck, in another 10 years or so your parents will probably be unable to make this generous offer again, so you won't have to deal with it. have a great life, and don't bother saving up to take your kids and grandchildren on a family vacation in another 20 years or so - I'm sure they'll have other plans.

Wow. Really? Where exactly do see any disrespect?

In my family and in Dh's if we are planning a big family trip, get together, or anything that involves all of us, we sit down with a big calendar and start by marking off days/weeks that anyone just canNOT go, then highlight in yellow the days that anyone might not be able to go and then see which days/weeks are left that are a decent fit for everyone. Its not disrespectful at all, just consideration of the fact that everyone has lives. All of our kids are involved in something so its hard to come up with a "perfect" week (actually we usually do these things in November for this very reason), but we at least can find a week that is "ok" for everyone.

I agree with you about the committment part but I don't think sports should take over a family's life. There has to be a line drawn somewhere. My biggest question is why it would take the OP a month to talk to the coach. If they don't know about what will be going on next summer now I doubt they'll know much better in a month. Certainly the 14 yo doesn't need to hang with the adults. My suggestion was for her to be given some freedom to make friends on her own at the pool or something like that.

I don't think the sport should take over either and I don't think the OP was insinuating that. I think he just wanted a chance to talk to the coach. And maybe the next year's schedule comes out in a month? Maybe there is some big coach's meeting coming up and that would tell some estimate of what next summer is looking like?? There are many ways that a month could make a difference. Our coaches didn't know that X tournament would be X date, but they did know that it was "normally during the 3rd week of June" and they would be in intense practice during the 2nd week to get ready so the best time to be gone would be during the 1st week of June.

 

[mjkacmom]

My kids play a lot of sports (and DH coaches 2 travel teams), and I have a dd14, and I'd say, go and be grateful.

 

[Mkrop]

Years ago, after my dad died, DH and I decided to take my mom, my brothers and a friend to the Outer Banks. DH researched the resort the best he could. My mom never traveled so she did not know. DH never had teens, we have one child 10 months old. This resort billed itself as teen filled fun. We got there nothing!. It wasnt even close to the beach like it claimed to be. And it rained, which just added to the fun, we did find a Kmart (I think) and bought board games. But I have to say it was one of the worst vacations, because we were catering to a 10 month old, we had teens in tow, and the place was nothing like it was advertised.

I would not be going on this trip unless I was assured there would be something for my teen to do. It isnt fair to her.

 

[sam_gordon]

My biggest question is why it would take the OP a month to talk to the coach. If they don't know about what will be going on next summer now I doubt they'll know much better in a month.

Just to answer this since a couple of people have brought it up... I'm trying to get some more time in with this team before telling him we need more time off.

Our trip to WDW this month was already booked and paid for when we tried out for this team. I made sure (a couple times) the coach was OK with us missing two major tournaments (for this team) before signing on. Since we've been back, there's only been 1/2 (rain cancelled the 2nd day) of a tournament.

As a PP mentioned, most tournaments are the same time (ie: 3rd week in June, the week after Memorial Day, etc). So while the coach doesn't know a full summer schedule for next year, I'm guessing he has a pretty good idea of what weeks he needs everyone.

The closest analogy I can come up with is an adult starting a new job. During the interview you tell your boss you already have vacation planned a week after you start. No problem the boss says and hires you. So do you, within a couple weeks after returning, say "boss, I'm going need xx dates off next year too."?

I'm GUESSING the coach will be OK with it. But I'm going to do what I can to minimize the affect on the team. Maybe it means we fly down on Monday instead of Saturday. Maybe we fly back on Friday instead of Sunday. I'm ok w/DD missing one tournament, but would like to be able (with coach's assistance) to pick which tournament, and don't want her to miss two.

As far as planning the flights... there are LOTS of factors in that for me. It might be cheaper to fly out of another airport than our "home" airport. I get it. But if we do that, I'd rather not have a 6am flight out or get back at midnight. Maybe the airline that I have miles with is an extra $25/pp than the one they want to put us on. Maybe I'm willing to pay the extra money to get the miles.

My parents and sister both have major airports in their home town with lots of options. We don't have that.

I do want to thank those of you who have said my teen will be fine without a teen club. We've never done an AI resort, so don't know what to expect.

 

[JessicaR]

Just to answer this since a couple of people have brought it up... I'm trying to get some more time in with this team before telling him we need more time off.

Our trip to WDW this month was already booked and paid for when we tried out for this team. I made sure (a couple times) the coach was OK with us missing two major tournaments (for this team) before signing on. Since we've been back, there's only been 1/2 (rain cancelled the 2nd day) of a tournament.

As a PP mentioned, most tournaments are the same time (ie: 3rd week in June, the week after Memorial Day, etc). So while the coach doesn't know a full summer schedule for next year, I'm guessing he has a pretty good idea of what weeks he needs everyone.

The closest analogy I can come up with is an adult starting a new job. During the interview you tell your boss you already have vacation planned a week after you start. No problem the boss says and hires you. So do you, within a couple weeks after returning, say "boss, I'm going need xx dates off next year too."?

I'm GUESSING the coach will be OK with it. But I'm going to do what I can to minimize the affect on the team. Maybe it means we fly down on Monday instead of Saturday. Maybe we fly back on Friday instead of Sunday. I'm ok w/DD missing one tournament, but would like to be able (with coach's assistance) to pick which tournament, and don't want her to miss two.

As far as planning the flights... there are LOTS of factors in that for me. It might be cheaper to fly out of another airport than our "home" airport. I get it. But if we do that, I'd rather not have a 6am flight out or get back at midnight. Maybe the airline that I have miles with is an extra $25/pp than the one they want to put us on. Maybe I'm willing to pay the extra money to get the miles.

My parents and sister both have major airports in their home town with lots of options. We don't have that.

I do want to thank those of you who have said my teen will be fine without a teen club. We've never done an AI resort, so don't know what to expect.

Have any AI's been mentioned as prospects yet?

 

[dis-happy]

Maybe you could look at the teen situation from a different perspective. Your dd is 14 now, making her 15 next summer. One thing I can tell you about 15 year old teens....they LOOOOOVE to be treated as "one of the adults" rather than "one of the kids". Your dd will probably greatly enjoy getting to do the adult activities and excursions and spending time with everyone there. And trust me, after they turn 16 and get a license and become busy with all those high school activities you hardly ever see them again until they go off to college (where you see them even less). I'd look at this as a wonderful bonding opportunity and go with the flow.


Also, if the date and softball is so important, call the coach today and ask for a response back by tomorrow and then let your parents know. It's much easier to make a date change now if you act quickly. But no reason it should have to take a month to get back to them (and I can see many reasons why your parents would want to start the booking process early where there are so many people involved).

GL!!!

 

[singlefan]

Wow. Really? Where exactly do see any disrespect?

If the parents are planning this a year in advance, then I think it is very disrespectful to say that "well perhaps something more important (like a softball game) will come up, and after all, our 15 year-old is way more important than anyone else."

My dad died of a brain tumor at 52 years old. I know he would have done anything to be able to take us all on a family trip, but it was just not to be. And I know that any of his children and grandchildren now or before his illness would drop anything to have a week with him and my mother, paid for or not.

 

[Christine]

I know my kids must be boring as heck but they'd be happy at an all-inclusive resort even if it had no "teen" activities. They are happy with beach/water/hotels/restaurants, etc. That would be enough for them but everyone is different.

 

[tlbwriter]

If the parents are planning this a year in advance, then I think it is very disrespectful to say that "well perhaps something more important (like a softball game) will come up, and after all, our 15 year-old is way more important than anyone else."

Interesting spin you put on it. To me, it's more like "Our 15 yr old may have a commitment that's very important to her, to us, and to her team. We'll need to plan around that."

My dad died of a brain tumor at 52 years old. I know he would have done anything to be able to take us all on a family trip, but it was just not to be. And I know that any of his children and grandchildren now or before his illness would drop anything to have a week with him and my mother, paid for or not.

Are you trying to guilt the OP into agreeing with you? It's very sad that your father died at such a young age and that your children missed out on that time with him, but what on earth does it have to do with the fact that the OP's family has lives and plans that need to be considered? I can't imagine being selfish enough to say "I'm picking the week RIGHT NOW even though the trip is a year away and if you can't go THAT EXACT WEEK then we just won't go at all and you might NEVER get to spend a week with me again because I MIGHT DIE and after all I'M PAYING FOR IT and that means I MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS!!!!" Do you think your dad would have done it that way? Why do you think the OP's parents are, or should be, doing it that way?

 

[luvsJack]

If the parents are planning this a year in advance, then I think it is very disrespectful to say that "well perhaps something more important (like a softball game) will come up, and after all, our 15 year-old is way more important than anyone else."

My dad died of a brain tumor at 52 years old. I know he would have done anything to be able to take us all on a family trip, but it was just not to be. And I know that any of his children and grandchildren now or before his illness would drop anything to have a week with him and my mother, paid for or not.

And my father died 12 years ago. My kids were the most important thing in the world to him. I would give my right arm to have him back for one day, much less a week. But if he was planning a week; he would take EVERYONE'S schedules into consideration and that is all the OP asked for.

The OP NEVER said his 15 year old is more important or that a softball game is more important, he does seem to think she is equally important as everyone else's schedules, activities, lives and children. Big difference there.


I think he and his family should go and just work around it all the best he can, but I do understand his venting and I don't see it as being disrespectful in the least.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks for more info/clarification!!!

most tournaments are the same time (ie: 3rd week in June, the week after Memorial Day, etc). So while the coach doesn't know a full summer schedule for next year, I'm guessing he has a pretty good idea

Would it be safe to say that the season/tournaments would be over by July???? If so, it does seem as if it would be easy for most people to plan for this type of trip a few weeks later in the Summer???????

My parents and sister both have major airports in their home town with lots of options. We don't have that.

I was wondering about that as well.
So, you don't live that close to your parents.
Your flights might be a bit more complex to book.

If so, I would not be concerned AT ALL about anyone else's flights.
But, I think it would be more than appropriate for you to say.... We would love to come on this family vacation!!! But, I would be more comfortable planning and paying for our flights from here once YOU have the dates and the resort all set.

I do see control issues on both sides...
But, honestly, it really does sound like your parents are The Masters...
And, if some communication and just a bit of cooperation can't be possible here....