WWYD (a couple layers)?

[Eeyore'sthebest]

OP - Have you spoken to your DD? I'm not trying to be sarcastic. We've planned a great big trip for my parent's 50th anniversary. We are going on the Disney Dream on July 1. I'm paying for my parents trip.
My sisters are paying for their own for their families.

My one DSis was annoyed. She had every complaint possible from a sports conflict to a 16 year old DD being bored (oh yeah and having no control over the ship ) She finally spoke to my DNiece and gave her the literature on the ship, my niece was psyched. They have turned a 4 day cruise into a huge trip. They are going to WDW, have ADRs planned out, even looking at a college or two when they are down there. The two of them are so psyched. They went on line and booked dolphin swims, etc. My crabby sister that didn't want to do anything is practically dying because the trip can't get here fast enough. So give your DD an option, talk about the resort and just plan your own portion of it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Now the one that was excited about it...well, we don't have enough band width for that story.

 

[Mkrop]

I think I would be concerned about the comment about your teen. Maybe because I was that teen that was always written off. I am 10 and 14 years older than my siblings and I am the oldest cousin. No one ever concerned themselves with me. and then they wondered whyas I got older I would choose work or friends over these type of family get togethers.

I also think a commitment to a team is important.

I also would like to know what time flights are before I would agree for them to be booked for me, if the time doesnt work then I would be willing to book and pay for my own flights.

 

[Debbie7452]

Please go on the trip. I'm begging you to do it or you will have regrets. I just returned from a similar paid vacation with my in-laws, my family and SIL's family. There were concerns before hand because of problems with SIL, but nothing that stopped us from having the time of our lives. My MIL LOVED seeing us all enjoying ourselves. Especially the grandkids. We literally had not been back a week when they found a mass on MIL's ovary. We do not yet know what the outcome will be (no cancer diagnosis yet).

The other poster's are right in that your teen will have fun at any all-inclusive resort. Just go!

 

[Carly_Roach]

Thanks for the input everyone. One thing I want to clarify was I am more concerned with my mom's statement about "we're going to worry more about the little ones than the teen." It's not so much they're looking at resorts without teen clubs, but they seem to be just "writing off" my teen.

As moody as my (and others according to another thread on Dis) teen can be... I don't know. As far as scheduling, all I am/was asking for was another month or so when I can talk to the coach. For all I know he won't want DD on the team next year. We've been to two tournaments this year (and missed two). FWIW, she's played every inning of every game (of course, there's only 10 on the roster). If I can find out certain weeks of the year they schedule off, why shouldn't I suggest those weeks for our trip?

I really don't mean to sound defensive but just wanted you to know where I'm coming from.

I get that you believe your daughter is being left out, but coming from another perspective who's more likely to throw themselves on the floor, scream like a banshee and make everyone with 500 yards miserable or deaf because they're bored, tired, hot, etc - the "little ones" or the teen? This could be a testament to your DD's maturity level, IE: "Grandma and grandpa believe you are old enough to be with the adults. Congratulations! Now earn it, kiddo."

I also believe you're going to have to choose: go on an all-expense paid vacation with someone else and try to keep your control-gremlin under control or go to a softball tournament.

 

[FredinFL]

I think you have a realistic handle on what exactly is going to be going on here. It's nice for them to pay for it, but are they going to expect you and your family to "toe the line" here for the entire trip? If everything is inclusive, your teen should have more than enough things to keep her occupied. Tell them to look into Atlantis, it's supposed to be a lot of fun.

I think that any place dedicated to "Family Fun" for the little ones will also have teen activities.

 

[denisem]

My advice is to graciously decline the invitation if the lack of control is a concern.

Maybe because I'm old...but I don't see a one week (?) paid vacation with family at an all inclusive resort would irrevocably harm anyone for life.

ETA: You may be in the same place someday, offering a paid vacation to your children in order to have a happy memory. How would you feel if your DD refused on these grounds.

 

[Poohforyou]

We're planning a similar family trip and quite honestly my concern lies more in making sure there are organized things for the younger kids to do since they can't go around on their own without an adult.

I would imagine an outgoing teen would be able to make friends with other kids around and at 14 would find organized kids club activities way too babyish.

Frankly I would graciously accept your parents offer and realize how important this trip is in creating memories for all of you.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Wow. I'm not usually this blunt, but I think you are being VERY ungrateful. I think you should just decline your parents EXTREMELY generous offer and save them loads of hassle (and money).

We just got back from a trip to WDW in which my parents paid for ENTIRELY with the exception of our baggage fees and a few dinners/lunches we paid for. We were happily "along for the ride" and enjoyed every FREE moment of our vacation. Was the trip catered towards us? No. But we happily went along with everything and had a blast... It was just nice being on vacation, being with family, and not having to PAY.

 

[disneylovin24]

What your parents what to do is a wonderful thing! I am a person who loves to spend time with family and believes that family is the mosti mportant thing in the world and I don't think this vacation should not happen.

Of course you are going to have concerns over a vacation when you have no control over it. If you really feel that your parents are not including your teen then talk to them about it. Tell them that you want them to include a thing or two in the trip directed towards her. Then talk to her and help her to understand that the trip is not all about her and there may be a lot of things that she doesn't want to do on it. She what she thinks about it. If she doesn't like that they don't go! I think in the end she would rather go and do things for the younger kids then not go at all! People have already said that you are not going to please everyone and this is true, but everyone can try to be pleased by being happy that they are on a free trip spending time with loved ones even if they do not like what they are doing at that moment.

 

[shortbun]

My parents do this too. I can't tell you how thrilled and gracious we are when they do!

All inclusive resorts do NOT just cater to the little ones usually (at all actually that I can think of) There will be something for everyone. Before getting upset over this first find out WHAT resort it is. You didn't say but since its a YEAR away do you think you can work those dates out?

If it doesn't seem to jive for you, just say NO. Simple really. I'm left with don't look a gift horse in the face. Stop creating issues/problems that may not even be there in the first place.

You Dad basically knows your MO - he told you it is what it is don't research anything better just GO and be HAPPY! After all, you arent footing the bill.

My biggest problem would be the flights. Your daughter is social and will be fine. You have a years notice and early in the season is best. Most travel ball lasts til late July or even into August making it really difficult to plan anything so just go with it. I would HATE to let anyone else book flights for me. Flying has gotten to be such a pain and I trust no one to do everything necessary-watch for schedule changes, keep up on seat assignments thus making sure my children are seated with me...timing is everything on flights and there are certain airports that can not accomodate the connections being booked by the airlines; in other words, you could miss your flight. My parents, knowing how good I was at planning travel, put the trips in my hands. They paid, I planned. I checked with each member of the family and made sure they had what they needed. Your parents travel agent should be willing to make a call to each of you about flights for seating needs and airport choices. Tell your dad you'll be happy to let his agent do the work but you'll want to talk to them about your flights.

And-to all of you who would do whatever just because it's paid for-bad choice. Ask for a call from the travel agent to explain everything up front-things like documentation requirements, luggage allowances, seat assignments, room types and bedding should ALL be reviewed with each rooms's occupant. A good travel agent would want that. I did the job for 27 years and the old folks miss communicating things like-you all need passports and get them now in case the govenment shuts down, which includes passport offices. There's a lot to go over that you ALL need to hear and Mom and Dad, generous as they are, might not cover it all accurately.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have only read the first original post.

Well, the whole problem here seems to be control issues.

Your parents think they can control what your teen may or may not do????
He wants to dictate that a teen spend their time with their parents and the other adults...
Yeah, they are really gonna love BINGO, and going to bed when that shuts down.

And, on your part, you would like some input on the air arrangements, even though you are not planning and/or paying????

Really, if these kind of control battles are your family's dynamic, then you are correct that this trip might entail some stress.

I say PICK YOUR BATTLES.

Let them choose the vacation that they are planning and paying for.
I can't imagine ANY decent all-inclusive NOT having activities that the older kids and teens can enjoy.
I just assume that what happens when you all get there might not be exactly what is being dictated.

If your parents truly expect that you (and your kids) will spend every waking moment with them, and that they can dictate every child activity (or adults to for that matter) then this issue should not come as any surprise. And, if that is the case, only you can say what would be best...
There are only two clear choices here....
Suck it up...
or say, no way can we handle that, and find a way to decline.

I don't think anybody else can say that either of these decisions is the one that is 'right' or 'wrong'.

Personally, I do know that some people are of the belief that their money can buy total control and lack of respect.
So, I know there are two sides of this.
Sure, the fact that they are paying demands some real respect.
But, respect and boundaries should ALWAYS go both ways.

Personally, in my own example... If this were my inlaws, and they were already telling me what my kids could or could not, do... I would be seeing a problem.
We tried traveling with them...
Their plans... their dates.... etc....
After the 2nd trip, even my DH was like... 'never again'.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I, too, think your parents' offer is quite generous and most people would be very grateful and excited to accept.

I can't help but wonder that your mother's comment might be more out of concern for activities for the younger children since most resorts offer activities for teens, but activities for the younger ones might be limited and your mother wants to avoid that. It sounds like your parents are being very respectful and are trying to offer something that will be a unique memory for the whole family. The vacation is special time for your family to enjoy being together in a relaxed and fun setting.

While I respect a child's committment to an activity, a year's notice to a coach should be sufficient. An opportunity to spend time with several generation of the family together in a fun setting seems like a golden opportunity.

 

[disneylovin24]

Anything thing to add. You are never going to make EVERYONE happy, so in most cases it is best to make the majority happy. Unfortunately for your teen though, she is not the majority, the younger kids are.


Like everyone else has been saying though, an all inclusive resort is going to have plenty for everyone to do. And if worst comes to worst, it is sure to have a pool and a beach, both things a teen can enjoy if there is nothing else for her.

 

[tlbwriter]

And, you would like some input on the air arrangements, even though you are not paying????

Not sure why this is so confusing to you. Yes, if I'm flying, I'd like some input on the arrangements, even if I'm not paying. For example, if my gracious host wants to put me on a puddle jumper, I'm going to politely decline the trip altogether.

 

[sam_gordon]

My biggest problem would be the flights. Your daughter is social and will be fine. You have a years notice and early in the season is best. Most travel ball lasts til late July or even into August making it really difficult to plan anything so just go with it. I would HATE to let anyone else book flights for me. Flying has gotten to be such a pain and I trust no one to do everything necessary-watch for schedule changes, keep up on seat assignments thus making sure my children are seated with me...timing is everything on flights and there are certain airports that can not accomodate the connections being booked by the airlines; in other words, you could miss your flight. My parents, knowing how good I was at planning travel, put the trips in my hands. They paid, I planned. I checked with each member of the family and made sure they had what they needed. Your parents travel agent should be willing to make a call to each of you about flights for seating needs and airport choices. Tell your dad you'll be happy to let his agent do the work but you'll want to talk to them about your flights.

shortbun, you summed up my concerns regarding the flight. Thank you.

And-to all of you who would do whatever just because it's paid for-bad choice. Ask for a call from the travel agent to explain everything up front-things like documentation requirements, luggage allowances, seat assignments, room types and bedding should ALL be reviewed with each rooms's occupant. A good travel agent would want that. I did the job for 27 years and the old folks miss communicating things like-you all need passports and get them now in case the govenment shuts down, which includes passport offices. There's a lot to go over that you ALL need to hear and Mom and Dad, generous as they are, might not cover it all accurately.

This is a great idea.

On some other points... I'm sure (okay 99% sure) we'll go on the vacation. I guess my beef is it seems my parents don't understand what it's like with a young teenager. Yes, they raised my Dsis & I, but that was 25 years ago. DD did fine when we were at WDW and her younger siblings got to pick out what they wanted to do. I'm sure she'll find things to do, I guess it was just like hearing my mom say "<teen> doesn't matter". I know that's not what she meant, but that's what it's seems like.

As far as I'm concerned, I will gladly suffer so my kids enjoy themselves. I put DS(7) on my shoulders (~55#?) for 45 minutes so he could see Hyperspace Hoopla.

Like I said, maybe I'm just venting. For those of you who think I'm ungrateful, I don't want to be. I realize this is a big financial burden and could be the only time something like this happens. I'd just like my concerns heard.

 

[luvsJack]

Some of you are not being totally fair. I think the OP IS grateful and DOES want to go on the trip. Just because he doesn't expect his child to throw everything down and just GO doesn't mean that he is not grateful. If his dd doesn't want to be away from her team for a week, that doesn't mean she isn't grateful; it means she is living up to her commitment (while I think missing a week should be fine, the timing could be a hinderance)

If something very important is going on that week with the team, is it really fair to the other players if a key player isn't there?

DS played baseball and this was always a area of debate. While family vacations are something that should happen, when someone makes a commitment its only fair to give that commitment some consideration. I mean, if our family planned a huge family vacation and it was in the middle of the week of the District Tournament--we did NOT go, regardless of who was paying or going. So, I could see how it may be that his dd CAN miss a week but what if its not THAT week, KWIM?

I think the OP's problem really wasn't about his dd missing the week anyway, it was about his mom not giving him time to check with her coach. That on top of the "only worrying about the little ones" remark, made it seem like she was dismissing the feelings of his 14 year old dd.

 

[sam_gordon]

Some of you are not being totally fair. I think the OP IS grateful and DOES want to go on the trip. Just because he doesn't expect his child to throw everything down and just GO doesn't mean that he is not grateful. If his dd doesn't want to be away from her team for a week, that doesn't mean she isn't grateful; it means she is living up to her commitment (while I think missing a week should be fine, the timing could be a hinderance)

If something very important is going on that week with the team, is it really fair to the other players if a key player isn't there?

DS played baseball and this was always a area of debate. While family vacations are something that should happen, when someone makes a commitment its only fair to give that commitment some consideration. I mean, if our family planned a huge family vacation and it was in the middle of the week of the District Tournament--we did NOT go, regardless of who was paying or going. So, I could see how it may be that his dd CAN miss a week but what if its not THAT week, KWIM?

I think the OP's problem really wasn't about his dd missing the week anyway, it was about his mom not giving him time to check with her coach. That on top of the "only worrying about the little ones" remark, made it seem like she was dismissing the feelings of his 14 year old dd.

Thank you!

 

[Wishing on a star]

shortbun, you summed up my concerns regarding the flight. Thank you.


This is a great idea.

On some other points... I'm sure (okay 99% sure) we'll go on the vacation. I guess my beef is it seems my parents don't understand what it's like with a young teenager. Yes, they raised my Dsis & I, but that was 25 years ago. DD did fine when we were at WDW and her younger siblings got to pick out what they wanted to do. I'm sure she'll find things to do, I guess it was just like hearing my mom say "<teen> doesn't matter". I know that's not what she meant, but that's what it's seems like.

As far as I'm concerned, I will gladly suffer so my kids enjoy themselves. I put DS(7) on my shoulders (~55#?) for 45 minutes so he could see Hyperspace Hoopla.

Like I said, maybe I'm just venting. For those of you who think I'm ungrateful, I don't want to be. I realize this is a big financial burden and could be the only time something like this happens. I'd just like my concerns heard.

Okay, I do understand you!!!!!
And, it's not that I am one who would ever think you ungrateful!!!

However,
If you simply can't speak to your parents and say, "you know, *teen* should matter...." OR "please let me know the flights before you confirm them so we know that it will all work out for us...."

Then, that IS a problem...
It is very hard, if not impossible, to travel and live with people with that kind of a dynamic and communication breakdown.

I do think that there are some 'control issues'.

I believe your parents feel you are trying to usurp some control. (possibly true????)
And, I believe that they also are not showing the necessary respect.

Maybe they just happened to comment about focusing on the little ones...
But, if it is as it sounds, and they are limiting your other kid(s) to spending every waking moment with them...
That is 'controlling', and that is not appropriate.

Either you feel you can iron these things out...
Or, just suck it up...
Or, politely decline.

I do hope it all works out!!!

Sometimes these kinds of things are just NOT going to work out or even be possible because of family dynamics.

But, if you think it is possible to iron this out, without getting all hung up on the control issues... It might be a really wonderful family opportunity.

Only you know which of the above is true for your family.

And, VENT AWAY!!!!!
I never vented here about these kinds of things..
But can sure understand!!!

 

[Magic Mom]

Thanks for the input everyone. One thing I want to clarify was I am more concerned with my mom's statement about "we're going to worry more about the little ones than the teen." It's not so much they're looking at resorts without teen clubs, but they seem to be just "writing off" my teen.
As moody as my (and others according to another thread on Dis) teen can be... I don't know. As far as scheduling, all I am/was asking for was another month or so when I can talk to the coach. For all I know he won't want DD on the team next year. We've been to two tournaments this year (and missed two). FWIW, she's played every inning of every game (of course, there's only 10 on the roster). If I can find out certain weeks of the year they schedule off, why shouldn't I suggest those weeks for our trip?

I really don't mean to sound defensive but just wanted you to know where I'm coming from.

I think you are misinterpreting the comment about focusing on the younger kids. They aren't writing your daughter off. They just aren't as worried about her having structured activities because little ones need that more for everyone to have a good time. If your dd is as outgoing as you say, she will connect with other teens and have a great time, plus she might appreciate being included in the adult group.

Why did you need a "month or so" to talk to the coach? That's a ten minute phone conversation (and maybe a day or so for the coach to check the schedule.)

As far as you not getting to research the plane tickets, really that's silly. Your parents are trying to treat you to a vacation. They don't want you to have to fuss over ticket prices. Let them do that for you as your gift to them.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

What would I do? I would tell my parents "THANK YOU!!" and make sure everyone's schedule was cleared for the week that the parents wanted to travel. It would be a tremendous treat to be able to go on vacation that someone else was paying for!!

Of course, my parents would never in a million years plan a family vacation for us so it's a moot point for me. I guess that's why I would be more appreciative if I were ever given the opportunity.

My thoughts exactly. Well, my parents died before they had the chance to take a trip with any grandchildren, but my In-laws wouldn't be doing it, either.

Without knowing family dynamics, it is hard to say, but my interpretation of the "focus on the little ones" comment is that it's purely innocent. Like others said, teens will find other teens (if they want to) and have a great time. They enjoy just lying in the sun listening to their Ipods. They can hang out unsupervised at the pool, while the little kids can't. Focusing on the little ones to me means they are looking for a place with kids activities, because teens are going to do their own thing, anyway, or enjoy the same types of things the adults do. (and by that, I don't mean bingo with the senior citizens, I mean snorkeling, sailing, sea kayaks, beach volleyball, etc.)

However, I wouldn't say that most AI resorts cater to one or the other, either. We just got back from Beaches Turks and Caicos. It was wonderful for everyone. Tell your parents to check them out. They have kids activities and teen activities. From Sesame Street characters for the 3yo to teen dance club for the 14yo - they have it all!

On your second concern, I also know that missing practices and games in competitive sports can be difficult, but in our experience, as long the coaches have plenty of notice, they are fine with it. On the other hand, if I were your parents, I would give you the month to find out about next year's schedule, but there may be other reasons that June 18 is the only week that works. Are you sure your dd's coach will even know in a month about next year's schedule? In the leagues my kids have been involved in, we never really knew schedules until a couple of months ahead of time, which would not leave enough time to plan such a trip.

Another thought. We did a family reunion once where my SIL and her family only came for Monday-Friday, (everyone else went Saturday-Saturday), because of softball tournaments on the weekends. This was a pretty good compromise, because apparently my niece's coach was a hard-*** who would penalize her for missing games, but he gave her the OK to just miss the weekday practices that week, so they could still enjoy most of the week with the family. This wouldn't work if your parents decided on a cruise, but would for most other options.