Would you want to know?

[Nancyg56]

.

But, to be fair, or at least completely truthful, he IS her adopted father AND her biological grandfather. That does not mean he is not every bit of her real dad. If he raised her, he's her dad! In her life and in her eyes he is dad. But, you can't deny the truth that biologically he is her grandfather and he adopted her to become her dad. SHE is certainly free to deny that or ignore that, since it is her life and her story and she will most likely only want to recognize the man who raised her as her real dad with no other, and that makes sense and is great..But it is silly to assume that there is in other truth- I mean, that is the truth, too- even if the girl feels no need to acknowledge that she has another father and this man is technically her grandfather- and why should she feel any need to acknowledge that, she doesn't have to- the truth is still there underneath.


Isn't this whole conversation, though, based on a guess that the girl doesn't know she's adopted?? She could have been told the truth- the OP is assuming she wasn't told. Yet the OP does not really know the girl and has no insider information as to her family dynamic...it is a pretty big jump to assume she wasn't told she was adopted.

Absolutely, the technical truth is that the child is a grandchild. My children technically are not my DH children, but God bless anyone who ever points that out to anyone of them. For better or worse, he is their father. He is the man who saved to take them to Disney, who took them to amusement parks, taught them to drive, put their CHistmas presents together, sat in emergency rooms, slipped them money, paid for their weddings, and stayed up when they were late.

I agree that the idea she doesn't know is based on a supposition from the OP. I think that there is a lot more going on here that the OP has either chosen not to share, does't know.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think she should be calling him the biological father rather than just plain father. I agree that he is not her real father because he is not the one who raised him. But technically speaking she does have another father, a biological one. Do you call a woman who gives up a baby for adoption an "egg donor" or do you call her the biological mother or the birth mother or something like that?

I don't think you can compare the two since the birth mother carries the baby for nine months and has to go through delivery. She can't walk away after conception.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't think you can compare the two since the birth mother carries the baby for nine monthe and has to go through delivery. She can't walk away after conception.

I disagree. I think that the notion that a man is less invested in a child because of biology is not true. I would refer to the woman who gave birth as a birth mother or biological mother, and the man who participated in creating this child as a biological father. There is a lot more involved in conception than carrying a child and delivery, IMO.

 

[mom2rtk]

I disagree. I think that the notion that a man is less invested in a child because of biology is not true. I would refer to the woman who gave birth as a birth mother or biological mother, and the man who participated in creating this child as a biological father. There is a lot more involved in conception than carrying a child and delivery, IMO.

We will have to disagree on that. A man can walk away the morning after conception. A woman can't.

 

[gwynne]

We will have to disagree on that. A man can walk away the morning after conception. A woman can't.

You are correct. I would usually use the terms bio-dad or biological dad, certainly not Dad or Father. Dad or Father means something else entirely.

 

[Aliceacc]

A father -- or at least a good father-- loves his kids, cares for his kids, does what's best for his kids.

Loves? Nope, they've never met. He walked away.
Cares for his kids? Nope. They've never met. He walked away.
Does what's best for his kids? Nope. This is all about him, and the OP, wanting "to be there for" her. Again, not when she skinned her knee or had her tonsils out or didn't get invited to prom. But now that she's 20, and all the parenting is done. This is not in the young woman's best interest, it's totally self serving wrapped up in a desire to get the truth out there. If the truth had been that important, the man would have been in the young woman's life all along.

My son's bio mother put him up for adoption because it was in his best interests. She wasn't in a position to care for a child. But she place him with a reputable agency, knowing he would have a good life. She loved him, she cared for him, and she did what was in his best interests.

(And, FYI, during the early years, before I had 3 kids, I used to send a letter to the agency every year for Mother's Day, to let someone know he was being well cared for, should anyone ever inquire.)

Go back to the OP: " fear it could ruin their lives." But he's decided to do it anyway.

Sorry, I don't buy the term "father" for the OP's husband.

 

[leebee]

I don't think I ever answered the original question, but NO, I would not want to know. It's an open question to any one of us who believes that the parents we know are our biological parents. Do you really want to open the door tomorrow and find a stranger who says, "Hi. You don't know it, but your parents aren't your parents at all, and I'm your father." I'm good with my family the way it is. I cannot imagine the harm OP and her DH would do to this girl if they pursue this. I agree with the majority here: Get the DH on the appropriate registries, get him some counseling to help him through, and leave this girl and her family alone.

PS- I don't think the OP will be back, but I DO believe that her DH is trying to contact the girl's father (bio-grandfather).

 

[mnrose]

No they deleted their whole FB!

That's an awfully clear message that they want NOTHING to do with your husband. You need to let this go. NOW.

 

[Canooknic]

I agree with the bolded. As the OP is assuming that the girl doesn't know she is adopted at all, it really is a question for those of us who believe that our parents are our biological parents: How would you feel if, out of the blue, you learned from a stranger that your parents really aren't your parents at all?

Thank you!!! (I posted about this earlier but....) I found out at 38 that my Dad is not my biological Dad, not from a stranger but from my brother who found out by accident. My parents do not know that I know, it would break their hearts.
I absolutely DID NOT need this information, it has not made my life better in any way, and introduced pain that was unnecessary.

 

[Coonhound]

That's an awfully clear message that they want NOTHING to do with your husband. You need to let this go. NOW.

. I think their reaction to a strange man who may or may not be who he claims sending random Facebook messages hoping to meet a 13 year old girl he sees online?? I don't blame them! Was not really a wise way to go about it, was it? But that was years ago and the child in question is now of age and although I think he should contact her parents instead of her, he is under no obligation to- she is of age, he can contact her directly if he chooses to. The parents don't GET to decide if the girl should have nothing to do with him now- the parents don't get to make those decisions anymore, they no longer get to decide anything about who she is in contact with. (I believe he should go through her parents, rather than contacting her directly- I'm just saying he doesn't have to,

 

[mjkacmom]

. I think their reaction to a strange man who may or may not be who he claims sending random Facebook messages hoping to meet a 13 year old girl he sees online?? I don't blame them! Was not really a wise way to go about it, was it? But that was years ago and the child in question is now of age and although I think he should contact her parents instead of her, he is under no obligation to- she is of age, he can contact her directly if he chooses to. The parents don't GET to decide if the girl should have nothing to do with him now- the parents don't get to make those decisions anymore, they no longer get to decide anything about who she is in contact with. (I believe he should go through her parents, rather than contacting her directly- I'm just saying he doesn't have to,

So when your granddaughter is 20, you are okay with her biological mother reaching out to her, even if she has no idea what is going on in your granddaugter's life?

 

[Aliceacc]

. I think their reaction to a strange man who may or may not be who he claims sending random Facebook messages hoping to meet a 13 year old girl he sees online?? I don't blame them! Was not really a wise way to go about it, was it? But that was years ago and the child in question is now of age and although I think he should contact her parents instead of her, he is under no obligation to- she is of age, he can contact her directly if he chooses to. The parents don't GET to decide if the girl should have nothing to do with him now- the parents don't get to make those decisions anymore, they no longer get to decide anything about who she is in contact with. (I believe he should go through her parents, rather than contacting her directly- I'm just saying he doesn't have to,

But some guy she's never met, who was present when she was conceived...HE'S the one who gets to decide??

Anyone CAN contact anyone hey want, and tell them almost anything.

"Can". Is very different from "Should."

 

[Gracie09]

Absolutely, the technical truth is that the child is a grandchild. My children technically are not my DH children, but God bless anyone who ever points that out to anyone of them. For better or worse, he is their father. He is the man who saved to take them to Disney, who took them to amusement parks, taught them to drive, put their CHistmas presents together, sat in emergency rooms, slipped them money, paid for their weddings, and stayed up when they were late.

I agree that the idea she doesn't know is based on a supposition from the OP. I think that there is a lot more going on here that the OP has either chosen not to share, does't know.

technically and legally if the child is adopted, the child's parents are the people who adopted her. Full stop. A biological connection or lack of one, does not change that relationship.

 

[pryncess527]

So when your granddaughter is 20, you are okay with her biological mother reaching out to her, even if she has no idea what is going on in your granddaugter's life?

There is a difference between "being okay" with something and being powerless to stop it.
If I were in this hypothetical situation (hard to imagine, but I'll try), then I had the legal right to deny contact when the biological father reached out on FB to a 13 year old girl.
Whether I like it or not, I'd be powerless to stop him from contacting a 20 year old.
The poster you quoted said he "should" go through the parents, just acknowledged that legally he does not have to.

Only looking out for what he can legally get away with won't win him any Father of the Year awards though. I think he should register with a site and hope she reaches out, if not let it go.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I may not want a relationship with my biological father, but I would definitely want to know the truth. I really can't imagine that at the age of 20, she has not been told she was adopted. I think she must know.

Secrets ALAWAYS come out.

 

[mom2rtk]

Only looking out for what he can legally get away with won't win him any Father of the Year awards though.

No joke.

 

[mummabear]

No way I'm buying Facebook was the only option open to reaching out to this family. Unlike many adoption situations he knows their names and where they resided previously. If he cannot locate the family under his own efforts he certainly could have hired a private investigator to track them down so he could send them a letter.

Nope, Facebook was simply an easy (lazy) way to do it and did not take into consideration the possibility of the child seeing it unbeknownst to her family and the possible repercussions that may have had on a 12 or 13 year old -- whether she did or did not know the circumstances of her birth. Remember, he no longer can hide behind the scared teenager being mercilessly manipulated story 12 or 13 years down the line. If his daughter was truly any kind of priority for him at this point he would have carefully thought through any and every action he took.

There is just as much chance that the letter could have been seen by the daughter as a Facebook private message I see no reason for he OPs DH to have spent money hiring a private investigator when he had a way to make contact.
Frankly it's just snobbery to be looking down on what means of communications he used. He didn't show up on their doorstep a private Facebook message has the same effect as a letter would have.

She does NOT have another Father, she has a sperm donor. If and when they establish a relationship and she chooses to call him father THEN he is her Father. To say otherwise is to belittle the relationships which is what the OP is trying to do. Her husband obviously considers himself the Father. That is wrong. In no way is he the Father until she says so. Father is a special title. You don't get to claim it when you signed away your rights.

He was not a sperm donor, he did not go to a clinic and donate sperm to a couple, he had a relationship that resulted in a pregnancy then both parents gave the child up for adoption, it's not like the teenage mother has raised her child either. She does though get the benefit of having her cake and eating it too, she gets to have walked away from raising the child same as he father but got to keep a relationship with the child and see hem grow up.

 

[mom2rtk]

He was not a sperm donor, he did not go to a clinic and donate sperm to a couple, he had a relationship that resulted in a pregnancy then both parents gave the child up for adoption, it's not like the teenage mother has raised her child either. She does though get the benefit of having her cake and eating it too, she gets to have walked away from raising the child same as he father but got to keep a relationship with the child and see hem grow up.

The only reason the bio mom got to "have her cake and eat it too" (not my favorite phrasing here) is because she told her parents and gave them the choice (Yes, I understand she might have felt she had no other choice but to tell them).

I'm not 100% sure about this, but it sounds an awful lot to me like maybe the OP's husband wasn't willing to fess up to his parents at the time. Who knows, maybe they would have stepped up and offered to adopt the child given the chance? But that's the price you pay when you hide things.

Maybe at the time he thought he got the better deal because he didn't have to fess up.

 

[Nancyg56]

We will have to disagree on that. A man can walk away the morning after conception. A woman can't.

I'm okay with that. Thank goodness that this discussion does not need to end with us all in lockstep.

 

[Coonhound]

So when your granddaughter is 20, you are okay with her biological mother reaching out to her, even if she has no idea what is going on in your granddaugter's life?

Our granddaughter has regular meetings with her mother now. We don't like it but we don't get a choice. Similarly, this man has a right to try to contact his (adult) child. I'm not saying he should, I'm saying he has a right to.