Would you want to know?

[roseaster]

A few things don't jibe here. As someone mentioned the timeline for this is the mid 90s, hardly the 50s or 60s when teen pregnancy was hidden or parents "took" the baby and pretended it was theirs(true story in Jack Nicholson's life BTW)

I was in high school in the late 80s. Teen pregnancy was rampant in my school. So much so you would have thought that there were fertility drugs in the water. We had girls having their 2nd babies by graduation. 1 girl had 3. We had an in-school daycare it was that much of an issue.

Based on the time line this wasn't an era where adoptions and unwed pregnancies were hidden. I am thinking this whole story is either colored, or outright embellished, by the OP's husband's recollection or current feelings of guilt or remorse.

Where I am having trouble with this story is that the husband had nearly 2 years to mull over this decision. He had nearly 2 years to own up to his responsibility if he really wanted to be a father. 2 years to tell his own parents. 2 years to get a job and contribute. 2 years to formulate a plan about how he was going to help raise a child. Many teen fathers did this when I was in school a few years earlier. If he really wanted the child he would have done something about it. I knew a young man in high school who did just the same. His girlfriend got pregnant and wanted to place the child for adoption and he didn't. He stepped in and raised the child.

This sounds like a young man who didn't want to be a father and went as far as to deny his own child. It sounds like the grandparents stepped up when the bio parents wouldn't.

This was a man who voluntarily gave up his rights as a parent. He had many, many years to right his wrong and chose to wait 13 before making a half effort and then chose to wait another 7 before trying again.

The circumstances under which this young woman was raised are all speculation by the OP based on her husband's colored version of 20 year old events. She doesn't know if this woman knows, or doesn't, the circumstances surrounding her birth, and demonizing the people who actually did the right thing is totally wrong. These people, probably, like every other parent on earth, did what they thought best to raise their child. The OP and her husband should be thanking them, not making them out to be some evil, baby stealing, ogres. They loved and raised and supported a child they had no obligation to.

Would I want to know? Yes. Would I want some stranger to step into my life as an adult and say "Here's Daddy!" No. The time to be a real daddy has long since passed.

The OP has a fairy tale version of what this reunion will be. This woman will not be her child. This woman is an adult with no relationship to her whatsoever. There will never be a parent-child or sibling-sibling dynamic here.

As I said in my previous post, this isn't about this young woman at all, because for all the OP knows this young woman is happy, healthy, and content. This is about the OP and her husband and their misplaced feelings.

Therapy is what is needed, not disrupting the life of someone who may, or may not, even know of you or want to know you.

 

[Kellykins1218]

I find it very hard to believe, actually totally unbelievable, that his parents didn't know. I can't imagine the pregnant girl's parents, especially her father, NOT contacting them about the pregnancy. It just doesn't ring true.

 

[roseaster]

I find it very hard to believe, actually totally unbelievable, that his parents didn't know. I can't imagine the pregnant girl's parents, especially her father, NOT contacting them about the pregnancy. It just doesn't ring true.

Yeah, if it were my daughter, there would, at least, be a phone call saying, "We've got a situation here, what are we going to do?"

I would also like to clarify that I would like to know the circumstances surrounding my birth, ie. adoption, raised by grandparents, step-parent. I cannot say whether I would want to know my biological parent or not. I guess that would be a very individual thing.

I have 2 friends who were adopted at birth. 1 has no desire to meet her birth parents. Her exact quote, "I would be interesting to meet someone that looks like me, but I have a mother and had a father."

My other friend has met and has a relationship with her birth mother and bio siblings. She says, "It's a weird and awkward relationship. It's not really like family or even friends, more like neighbors. You care care, but there really isn't any deep emotional bond."

Family isn't about DNA it's about shared experiences and bonds formed through them. This woman may be family in a biological sense, but in the true sense she is not.

 

[declansdad]

Similarly, this man has a right to try to contact his (adult) child. I'm not saying he should, I'm saying he has a right to.

No he doesn't, he gave that right up.

 

[mom2rtk]

Our granddaughter has regular meetings with her mother now. We don't like it but we don't get a choice. Similarly, this man has a right to try to contact his (adult) child. I'm not saying he should, I'm saying he has a right to.

If she has regular meetings with your grand daughter, can I assume she did not sign away parental rights like the OP's husband did?

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

Our granddaughter has regular meetings with her mother now. We don't like it but we don't get a choice. Similarly, this man has a right to try to contact his (adult) child. I'm not saying he should, I'm saying he has a right to.

The person he made is NOT HIS CHILD. He does not have the right to call that kid his.
He is a sperm donor, he walked away.
He has no right to contact someone he clearly did not want to take care of, he had two years to decide if he wanted to be a parent or not and chose not to be and signed his rights away.
He is a sperm donor, a stranger. Not a father to this adult.

 

[Coonhound]

The person he made is NOT HIS CHILD. He does not have the right to call that kid his.
He is a sperm donor, he walked away.
He has no right to contact someone he clearly did not want to take care of, he had two years to decide if he wanted to be a parent or not and chose not to be and signed his rights away.
He is a sperm donor, a stranger. Not a father to this adult.

Would you refer to a birth mother as an egg donor? Or does she still get to be the biological mother?

 

[Coonhound]

The person he made is NOT HIS CHILD. He does not have the right to call that kid his.
He is a sperm donor, he walked away.
He has no right to contact someone he clearly did not want to take care of, he had two years to decide if he wanted to be a parent or not and chose not to be and signed his rights away.
He is a sperm donor, a stranger. Not a father to this adult.

Is a birth mother an egg donor, or can she still be called the biological mother?

If she has regular meetings with your grand daughter, can I assume she did not sign away parental rights like the OP's husband did?

No he doesn't, he gave that right up.

He gave her up. But she is an adult and if he wants to try to contact her, he can. Should he? We can debate that all we want. But he did not give up a right to try to contact another adult.

If she has regular meetings with your grand daughter, can I assume she did not sign away parental rights like the OP's husband did?

She did not.

 

[declansdad]

He gave her up. But she is an adult and if he wants to try to contact her, he can. Should he? We can debate that all we want. But he did not give up a right to try to contact another adult.

It would be her choice to contact him not the other way around.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

Is a birth mother an egg donor, or can she still be called the biological mother?






He gave her up. But she is an adult and if he wants to try to contact her, he can. Should he? We can debate that all we want. But he did not give up a right to try to contact another adult.




She did not.

Absolutely, the moment you sign your rights away you are no parent and do not deserve to call yourself such to that particular child.

Regarding your last statement, SHE should contact HIM if she wants a relationship, he does not have a right to do that and he should not have that right.

 

[cabanafrau]

There is just as much chance that the letter could have been seen by the daughter as a Facebook private message I see no reason for he OPs DH to have spent money hiring a private investigator when he had a way to make contact.
Frankly it's just snobbery to be looking down on what means of communications he used. He didn't show up on their doorstep a private Facebook message has the same effect as a letter would have.



He was not a sperm donor, he did not go to a clinic and donate sperm to a couple, he had a relationship that resulted in a pregnancy then both parents gave the child up for adoption, it's not like the teenage mother has raised her child either. She does though get the benefit of having her cake and eating it too, she gets to have walked away from raising the child same as he father but got to keep a relationship with the child and see hem grow up.

Sorry, logic and common sense tell me it's highly unlikely a 12 or 13 year old would be going through the family's snail mail. Snobbery? I'm not looking down on his choice of communication, I'm calling it for what I see -- a lazy move that could have easily resulted in a young kid getting a jolt of info. that may well have been above her maturity and coping skills. Parents generally are concerned about those kinds of issues involving their children, including those who profess to care so much all these years later.

How do you know the biological mother has her cake and is eating it too? What if the parents manipulated her into denying her biological connection to the child same as the biological father and it's tearing her up, possibly face to face even? We have zero information to support your speculation. IMO it's more likely the mother did not walk away and cut off all communication except for a facebook message and a desire to "be there for this girl" 20 years later. If the mom has been a loving and non parental figure in this girl's life yet the grandparents did the parenting, why is that wrong? What does that have to do with the father's situation? He made his choices. Perhaps things would have been different if he had told his parents when their help might have afforded him the same privilege. I suppose the girlfriend's parents might have insisted and manipulated him into signing a non disclosure agreement regarding his parents, because I'm certain that's entirely plausible.

 

[CarolAnn856]

I feel very strongly that, in this particular case, the biological father should not contact the girl, as it should be her decision. I also don't think he should try to contact her parents, as they have pretty clearly indicated that they are not interested. I've also said that, in this case, I am having trouble feeling sympathy for the OP's husband, due to the unique circumstances.

That being said, I am disappointed at some of the attitudes on this thread toward people who give a child up for adoption. It seems like a few posters have lumped all of them together with the OP's husband. Often, the most caring and loving thing a parent can do is allow their child to be raised by someone else. Those decisions often take a great deal of courage to make. And, while those parents are not there to deal with all of the challenges of raising a child, they very well may hold that child in their heart forever. That may not make them "mom" or "dad," but it doesn't mean they're nothing, either.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm reading some things that seem overly harsh. Maybe most are actually directed at just the OP's husband, but some are written very generally and could be read as if they apply to all birth parents. I hope I'm wrong, since I would hate to see someone who made the decision to have their child be adopted feel as if they were a bad person for making that difficult decision. I know that some do it to walk away from responsibility, but I believe that most do it to give their child a better life. I've never been involved directly with adoption as a child or as a parent, though, so maybe I'm reading more into things than I should be.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sorry, logic and common sense tell me it's highly unlikely a 12 or 13 year old would be going through the family's snail mail. Snobbery? I'm not looking down on his choice of communication, I'm calling it for what I see -- a lazy move that could have easily resulted in a young kid getting a jolt of info. that may well have been above her maturity and coping skills. Parents generally are concerned about those kinds of issues involving their children, including those who profess to care so much all these years later.

How do you know the biological mother has her cake and is eating it too? What if the parents manipulated her into denying her biological connection to the child same as the biological father and it's tearing her up, possibly face to face even? We have zero information to support your speculation. IMO it's more likely the mother did not walk away and cut off all communication except for a facebook message and a desire to "be there for this girl" 20 years later. If the mom has been a loving and non parental figure in this girl's life yet the grandparents did the parenting, why is that wrong? What does that have to do with the father's situation? He made his choices. Perhaps things would have been different if he had told his parents when their help might have afforded him the same privilege. I suppose the girlfriend's parents might have insisted and manipulated him into signing a non disclosure agreement regarding his parents, because I'm certain that's entirely plausible.

I think that circumstances might have been different had the OP DH discussed this with his parents. Would they have been angry? I know that initially I would have been, but because I am a parent, DH and I would have done our best to support him and the baby. I do not know what the OP DH circumstances were, but unless his parents were abusive, they might have given him the guidance and support necessary to make a decision that would not be haunting him 20 years later. I think that in this case the adults might have let these teens down. Maybe. WIthout knowing the 20 year old story other than the version a loving wife has shared that is a filtered version of whatever the truth is.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

I feel very strongly that, in this particular case, the biological father should not contact the girl, as it should be her decision. I also don't think he should try to contact her parents, as they have pretty clearly indicated that they are not interested. I've also said that, in this case, I am having trouble feeling sympathy for the OP's husband, due to the unique circumstances.

That being said, I am disappointed at some of the attitudes on this thread toward people who give a child up for adoption. It seems like a few posters have lumped all of them together with the OP's husband. Often, the most caring and loving thing a parent can do is allow their child to be raised by someone else. Those decisions often take a great deal of courage to make. And, while those parents are not there to deal with all of the challenges of raising a child, they very well may hold that child in their heart forever. That may not make them "mom" or "dad," but it doesn't mean they're nothing, either.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm reading some things that seem overly harsh. Maybe most are actually directed at just the OP's husband, but some are written very generally and could be read as if they apply to all birth parents. I hope I'm wrong, since I would hate to see someone who made the decision to have their child be adopted feel as if they were a bad person for making that difficult decision. I know that some do it to walk away from responsibility, but I believe that most do it to give their child a better life. I've never been involved directly with adoption as a child or as a parent, though, so maybe I'm reading more into things than I should be.

I feel like you may be directing this at my posts, and I understand it sounds very harsh, but my posts are generally directed at the OPs situation, and those that are like OPs situation.

 

[Hrhpd]

. I think their reaction to a strange man who may or may not be who he claims sending random Facebook messages hoping to meet a 13 year old girl he sees online?? I don't blame them! Was not really a wise way to go about it, was it? But that was years ago and the child in question is now of age and although I think he should contact her parents instead of her, he is under no obligation to- she is of age, he can contact her directly if he chooses to. The parents don't GET to decide if the girl should have nothing to do with him now- the parents don't get to make those decisions anymore, they no longer get to decide anything about who she is in contact with. (I believe he should go through her parents, rather than contacting her directly- I'm just saying he doesn't have to,

He was no stranger. Unless he has changed his name completely, the family would know who the biological father of the child was, especially since they apparently worked on manipulating him to sign his rights away for 2 years.

While you are correct that legally, nobody can stop him from contacting the young lady. However, ethically, he is completely in the wrong.

But it really doesn't matter. The OP has already said that Big Al has decided to make contact.

 

[Miskey]

There is just as much chance that the letter could have been seen by the daughter as a Facebook private message I see no reason for he OPs DH to have spent money hiring a private investigator when he had a way to make contact.
Frankly it's just snobbery to be looking down on what means of communications he used. He didn't show up on their doorstep a private Facebook message has the same effect as a letter would have.



He was not a sperm donor, he did not go to a clinic and donate sperm to a couple, he had a relationship that resulted in a pregnancy then both parents gave the child up for adoption, it's not like the teenage mother has raised her child either. She does though get the benefit of having her cake and eating it too, she gets to have walked away from raising the child same as he father but got to keep a relationship with the child and see hem grow up.

Woah!! I thought I had read every post in this thread, but I missed this. Please reference this for me! OP stated that she "thought" bio mom may be thought of as a sister to the child, but wasn't sure. For all we know, there never was an adoption and bio mom raised child as her daughter, or, just maybe, bio mom's partents raised the child and bio mom moved away and never had contact with her parents or the child again. You've made a very big jump.

 

[Coonhound]

I hope none of you who refer to biological parents as "sperm donor" and "egg donor" have adopted children. That sure seems like a disrespectful and unloving term for the people who allowed you to take their own flesh and blood child and raise them as your own.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

I hope none of you who refer to biological parents as "sperm donor" and "egg donor" have adopted children. That sure seems like a disrespectful and unloving term for the people who allowed you to take their own flesh and blood child and raise them as your own.

That's a little dramatic don't you think?

 

[Hrhpd]

Yeah, if it were my daughter, there would, at least, be a phone call saying, "We've got a situation here, what are we going to do?"

I would also like to clarify that I would like to know the circumstances surrounding my birth, ie. adoption, raised by grandparents, step-parent. I cannot say whether I would want to know my biological parent or not. I guess that would be a very individual thing.

I have 2 friends who were adopted at birth. 1 has no desire to meet her birth parents. Her exact quote, "I would be interesting to meet someone that looks like me, but I have a mother and had a father."

My other friend has met and has a relationship with her birth mother and bio siblings. She says, "It's a weird and awkward relationship. It's not really like family or even friends, more like neighbors. You care care, but there really isn't any deep emotional bond."

Family isn't about DNA it's about shared experiences and bonds formed through them. This woman may be family in a biological sense, but in the true sense she is not.

On this, I can actually see the girl's mother and grandparents (before they adopted her) happily going along with the OP's husband not telling his parents.

As I mentioned, I have a relative who was in almost the same situation. The girl's parents did not want the paternal family involved at all. They wanted no contact and were especially concerned the paternal grandmother might want to be in the baby's life. If they had a choice, they would have definitely tried to do everything without the other side knowing anything about the baby. My relative did sign over his rights, although his parents did help him with the choice, and agreed to stay away until the baby decided on their own if they wanted to make contact or not.

 

[Miskey]

I hope none of you who refer to biological parents as "sperm donor" and "egg donor" have adopted children. That sure seems like a disrespectful and unloving term for the people who allowed you to take their own flesh and blood child and raise them as your own.

Honestly, I would say that you are quite lucky that you've never crossed paths with someone who deserves absolutely nothing more than to be called sperm or egg donors.