Would you "rat" her out?

[mickeylove2]

So, I have this issue that I figured you guys could help me out with. My 16 year old cousin confided in me that she had an abortion and now I'm stuck because her parents are asking around the family if she's been involved with drugs, sex, drinking, ya know, the 16 year old stuff. I will be the 1st to admit, I was very disappointed in her choice, I am very anti-abortion (personal feelings, no need to debate that on this thread) but I never chastised her or anything. I consoled her and listened to her. Now I know WAY more about her personal life, and her friends, than I ever wanted to know.

So, if asked, what do I tell her parents about their daughter? How far do I involved myself with her personal life? I feel like, if she is sexually active she should be put on birth control, would I be way out of line taking her to the dr.?

The way I see it, her parents are either really naive, or they just don't want to believe that she isn't anything but perfect, I mean, they allowed her to have boyfriends starting at like 13 and since she's been with this boy, 6 months I think, they have allowed him to spend the night and her to stay at his house. They have never imposed a curfew on her, bought her a car for her 16th bday and she has been able to come and go as she pleases, even before she drove, she would ride around with her friends til whenever she felt like coming home.

I was never a model child, I did my 16 year old rebellion thing so I know what she's into. KWIM?

 

[java]

All you can do is try to get her to tell her parents. It's not your job to tell them. *as a parent though I would want to hear it.
But as a cousin I know that she confided in you for a reason. Your resposibility now is just to counsel her to tell them.
Perhaps go so far as saying if they ask me I will not lie. If they do ask you could say"You should talk with your daughter"

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

If they ask you about their daughter, you need to tell them that they need to be asking her. Frankly, I would find it offensive if my siblings (or any other relatives) came to me, asking me these types of questions. They are shifting their burdens onto you, asking you to rat out their children. This information is not a threat to her. A decision to tell her parents will be a decision to betray her confidence in you.

Now, if she had confided in you that she was a drug addict, that would be another story...

 

[happygirl]

Yes, I would want to know. How did the Dr. do this with out parent permission.

 

[Gabes_mommy]

I wouldn't rat her out. I would encourage her to go to her parents though, but if she chooses not to I wouldn't push the issue.

Just continue to be there for her. I had a friend in HS who had an abortion and she really struggled with it for a long time...years.

 

[NikitaZee]

Don't say anything. Tell her parents that these are things they need to ask of her, not you. If she confided in you, she trusts you. Don't betray that trust. If you're uncomfortable keeping future confidences for her, then tell her that - but I hope you continue to be a supportive ear to her.

 

[cheermom1]

All you can do is try to get her to tell her parents. It's not your job to tell them. *as a parent though I would want to hear it.
But as a cousin I know that she confided in you for a reason. Your resposibility now is just to counsel her to tell them.
Perhaps go so far as saying if they ask me I will not lie. If they do ask you could say"You should talk with your daughter"

this

 

[locolala]

Yes, I would want to know. How did the Dr. do this with out parent permission.

Privacy laws. Not all states require the girl to have parental permission.

OP, I would encourage your cousin to let her parents know what's going on, but I would not under any circumstances tell her parents yourself. You've gained the trust of your cousin, and that might help save her in the future.

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I would not tell her parents what she told you. She told you in confidence and I wouldn't break that confidence.

If asked, I would also tell them to talk to her, but I might help the parents figure it out themselves. (not the abortion, but the fact she's having sex). Really, she's 16 and they spend the night at each others houses? It would be surprising to me if they weren't having sex.

I wouldn't take someone else's child to the doctor for birth control, either, but I would encourage her to do so on her own, and I would remind her to use condoms as well, since there are worse things that can happen to her than pregnancy.

 

[Vixen]

Don't say anything. Tell her parents that these are things they need to ask of her, not you. If she confided in you, she trusts you. Don't betray that trust. If you're uncomfortable keeping future confidences for her, then tell her that - but I hope you continue to be a supportive ear to her.

ITA

 

[PaulaSB12]

So, I have this issue that I figured you guys could help me out with. My 16 year old cousin confided in me that she had an abortion and now I'm stuck because her parents are asking around the family if she's been involved with drugs, sex, drinking, ya know, the 16 year old stuff. I will be the 1st to admit, I was very disappointed in her choice, I am very anti-abortion (personal feelings, no need to debate that on this thread) but I never chastised her or anything. I consoled her and listened to her. Now I know WAY more about her personal life, and her friends, than I ever wanted to know.

So, if asked, what do I tell her parents about their daughter? How far do I involved myself with her personal life? I feel like, if she is sexually active she should be put on birth control, would I be way out of line taking her to the dr.?

The way I see it, her parents are either really naive, or they just don't want to believe that she isn't anything but perfect, I mean, they allowed her to have boyfriends starting at like 13 and since she's been with this boy, 6 months I think, they have allowed him to spend the night and her to stay at his house. They have never imposed a curfew on her, bought her a car for her 16th bday and she has been able to come and go as she pleases, even before she drove, she would ride around with her friends til whenever she felt like coming home.

I was never a model child, I did my 16 year old rebellion thing so I know what she's into. KWIM?

she has trusted you with the hardest decision in her life what sort of person would betray that trust? Under no circumstances do anything that cruel. You say you are anti abortion but that isn't relievant the trust is, and that can not be broken.

 

[marcyinPA]

All you can do is try to get her to tell her parents. It's not your job to tell them. *as a parent though I would want to hear it.
But as a cousin I know that she confided in you for a reason. Your resposibility now is just to counsel her to tell them.
Perhaps go so far as saying if they ask me I will not lie. If they do ask you could say"You should talk with your daughter"

Totally agree with this. I might even go so far as to tell her that she has confided in you with some information that is very important to share with her parents. If she doesn't tell them, she leaves you no choice but to tell them yourself.

Personally, I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to the teen who confided in me, knowing that I had all of the info and didn't tell the parents.

 

[luvmy3]

I wouldn't say anything to the parents and if they questioned me about their dd's behavior I would tell them thats something they should be asking her instead of everyone else.

 

[dislaney]

She has put you in an awkward position. I wouldn't say anything to the parents though except maybe encourage them to talk to their child. Betraying her trust at this point would not be good and someday she may really need to be able to talk to you about other things and being able to trust you would be necessary for that. If it were me I would be talking to her and encouraging her to start using some form of birth control. If she is old enough to be sexually active she is old enough to use birth control.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm not going to have a popular opinion. She is a child at 16 who has made a huge decision that will impact her life forever. At 16 most teenagers have a hissy over what cell phone cover to pick.

This isn't just about her drinking or doing some irresponsible things. This could be about her mental state of mind. She is making bad bad choices. Having unprotected sex isn't just about babies. She is opening herself up for STDs and even worse.

This child needs help and not just a confidant. She needs active parenting even if its not her real parents. But someone needs to be taking some action to help this girl.

 

[mickeylove2]

she has trusted you with the hardest decision in her life what sort of person would betray that trust? Under no circumstances do anything that cruel. You say you are anti abortion but that isn't relievant the trust is, and that can not be broken.

It's not so much that I am conflicted about telling them about the abortion, it's more or less should I say something to them like hey your DD is having sex maybe she should get put on bc, or just doing it myself. Also, I'm worried about the whole abortion itself, the effects on her body. What type of dr. did it? What about any check ups afterward? Medication? IDK if she used her insurance card but if she did her parents will find out that way right? Anyway, I told her to give me a couple of days to get my thoughts together and we would go out to lunch to chat.

Also, I really don't know what to say to her. I mean, my family is no stranger to teen pregnancy so it's not like she would have been shunned for getting pregnant so I kind of want to tell her not to be ashamed but I don't want to sound all preachy either. But I definitely don't want her to think that abortion is the new bc, and she needs to take responsibility and get some form of bc.

I just have a feeling that this is going to turn out real ugly and I'm going to be smack dab in the middle of it!

I want to be there for her and help her out, I also feel like I need to help her keep her secret but I really think she went about it the wrong way if she was really trying to hide it so now I feel like I have to head things off and try to fix them.

 

[glitterkittyy]

I wouldn't say anything to the parents and if they questioned me about their dd's behavior I would tell them thats something they should be asking her instead of everyone else.

Yep, this.

 

[mtemm]

did you ask her any of these questions...what is she using for birth control now, especially.

an abortion is not an easy thing to go thru, physically or emotionally. rarely you hear people talk about them in a blase way. how was her attitude toward what she went thru? was she in pain from it, or did she act like it was nothing?

what was she looking for from you?

am also curious, does she know your stance on abortion? am wondering why she chose you to confide in. I know you aren't being judgemental with her, but at the same time, if she knew you were anti-abortion, why you?

 

[GoofyGoober]

I'm sure this was very traumatic for her, and more importantly - it is already done. Bringing her parents into it will just cause needless drama and make her feel worse.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a dd13, and if she confided in a friend or family member that she had an abortion, and they told me, I would be upset with them. I've told my children that I want them to be able to come to me with anything, but for whatever reason, if they feel they can't come to me, I told them to confide in another adult.

If you tell her parents, I'm guessing the next time she's an an adult situation, she's just going to keep it to herself, which can be dangerous.