Would you "rat" her out?

[Pigeon]

Stay out of it completely.

 

[Kae]

Stay out of it completely.

Or as much as you can at this point. I quess what bugs me is the word "Rat" out sounds more like you want to throw it at them. And how do you know she is telling the truth? She could be looking for attention.

Kae

 

[mickeylove2]

Or as much as you can at this point. I quess what bugs me is the word "Rat" out sounds more like you want to throw it at them. And how do you know she is telling the truth? She could be looking for attention.

Kae

I didn't intend it to sound like that. I know she is telling the truth because basically she has no reason to lie to me. She's not an attention seeker, if I didn't beleive her I wouldn't even think a second thought about it.

 

[NatashaDisneyCM]

So, I have this issue that I figured you guys could help me out with. My 16 year old cousin confided in me that she had an abortion and now I'm stuck because her parents are asking around the family if she's been involved with drugs, sex, drinking, ya know, the 16 year old stuff. I will be the 1st to admit, I was very disappointed in her choice, I am very anti-abortion (personal feelings, no need to debate that on this thread) but I never chastised her or anything. I consoled her and listened to her. Now I know WAY more about her personal life, and her friends, than I ever wanted to know.

So, if asked, what do I tell her parents about their daughter? How far do I involved myself with her personal life? I feel like, if she is sexually active she should be put on birth control, would I be way out of line taking her to the dr.?

The way I see it, her parents are either really naive, or they just don't want to believe that she isn't anything but perfect, I mean, they allowed her to have boyfriends starting at like 13 and since she's been with this boy, 6 months I think, they have allowed him to spend the night and her to stay at his house. They have never imposed a curfew on her, bought her a car for her 16th bday and she has been able to come and go as she pleases, even before she drove, she would ride around with her friends til whenever she felt like coming home.

I was never a model child, I did my 16 year old rebellion thing so I know what she's into. KWIM?

do NOT do it! I have been there and to this day, many, many years later I have hated the person! and it has put a huge strain on the family!!! It is NOT your place.

 

[imabrat]

No! Not only is it going to cause a HUGE rift in your family, you're going to lose a loved one completely. She will NEVER trust you again, I promise you. If she's old enough to make the decision and go through the procedure, then her parents dropped the ball on that one.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Suffice it to say that I disagree with that post in it's entirety. (With the small exception that I would not rat her out even if asked directly.

That's fine.

I choose not to lie for people. I'm okay with that.

ETA: To clarify--I especially would not lie for a minor child and cover for them in any way to live a wreckless life.

 

[Kae]

I didn't intend it to sound like that. I know she is telling the truth because basically she has no reason to lie to me. She's not an attention seeker, if I didn't beleive her I wouldn't even think a second thought about it.

Alot of 16 yr girls tell tales if there is a boy somewhere in the story. Hang tough & keep this between the 2 of you. Maybe some how you can lead her toward some help.

Kae

 

[Jennasis]

My cousin's mother did the same thing---let's just say....all of her "proactiveness'--didn't help one bit. Yet my mother and all the other older aunts who didn't put any of us on BC "b/c it was imminent"--didn't end up with an "oops". My cousin had 4 children by the time I graduated college.

Just b/c a parent is--hip and cool on the whole safe sex thing--doens't mean that they are a good parent.

Oh NO! Somebody had an experience that contradicts my own...whatever shall i do?? There goes my credibility...sigh.

1 My mom was far from "cool". I made the decision to go on BC without her. The "we" in my statement were my boyfriend and I. HOWEVER, my mom was a pretty good parent overall.

2. I was also not an idiot, like it sounds like your cousin was. We used condoms along with the BC. I also new the effect that taking some medication had on BC and planned accordingly.

3. While BC is not 100% effective, it sure beats doing nothing.

4. My story is just my story. Your story is just your story. Ultimately anecdotal evidence is fairly useless. I merely offered a possible suggestion to the OP (tell the parents to put her on BC if they are worried she's having sex). Of course, in MY world, that also means educating the user as to how the stuff works.

 

[Robinrs]

My niece confided this kind of information to me when she was about the same age. She is now in her 40s and I have never told a soul.

She's since been married twice and has two children. Her father and her have NEVER gotten along and I'm sure he'd hold it against her till the day she died.

No, do not tell.

 

[shortbun]

Totally agree with this. I might even go so far as to tell her that she has confided in you with some information that is very important to share with her parents. If she doesn't tell them, she leaves you no choice but to tell them yourself.

Personally, I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to the teen who confided in me, knowing that I had all of the info and didn't tell the parents.

wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!

the deed is done. It's not like she told you she was pregnant and is considering an abortion...she already made her choice without asking for help from you -or interference. Tell her you are not comfortable with her confidences about such personal things and recommend that she talk to her mother or father if she's feeling like she needs to talk about it now. OR-there are counselors at women's clinics she can talk to. Offer to take her to one and let them suggest she talk to her parents-they usually do.

 

[shortbun]

That's fine.

I choose not to lie for people. I'm okay with that.

ETA: To clarify--I especially would not lie for a minor child and cover for them in any way to live a wreckless life.

It's about protecting someone's privacy. When asked a question that is clearly none of the questioner's business...you would tell the truth OR tell them to back off, it's not their busines???

 

[npierce25]

I would vote for dont tell her parents, but keep a close relationship with her. she can go to planned parenthood or somewhere like that and get birthcontrol with her parents knowing. i would suggest that you go with her, and also talk with the dr or physician about other important things like std's and stuff. its amazing that some of my friends at the age of 30 dont even knwo this stuff. so, get her educated. facts are your best ammo with out being preachy. then maybe she will share the info with her friends.

i remember at my prom planned parenthood was there and passed out gift bags with condoms and phamplets and stuff. i remember some of the parents flipping out. the people there told them, if they are going to "do it" tonight wouldnt you feel better that they had this, just incase.

so, knowledge is key, thats what is most importat, and be there for her and be supportive!!

 

[Art 1]

I'm not going to have a popular opinion. She is a child at 16 who has made a huge decision that will impact her life forever. At 16 most teenagers have a hissy over what cell phone cover to pick.

This isn't just about her drinking or doing some irresponsible things. This could be about her mental state of mind. She is making bad bad choices. Having unprotected sex isn't just about babies. She is opening herself up for STDs and even worse.

This child needs help and not just a confidant. She needs active parenting even if its not her real parents. But someone needs to be taking some action to help this girl.

I agree with you, I would tell her parents.

 

[ZPT1022]

OK so we've been texting pretty much all day and this is what my plan is. I will not violate her confidence and tell her parents, but I am going to confront them about the sleepovers and the fact that if they are staying in the same room it's safe to say they are having sex and that it's probably a good idea to put her on bc. I will offer to take her if they don't want to. I also told her that she *needs* to talk to her parents about this kind of stuff, she says no way, I said that I would be willing to have a sit down with them and her and be a mediator if she decided to talk to them. I told her that I will ALWAYS be there for her if she needs me.

I also told her that I know a couple of great professionals that would be beneficial to talk to about how to cope with her decision. She is interested so that's a plus. We are gonna hang out and have lunch as soon as this "snowmageddon" is over! I plan on talking to her about bc, stds, drugs, drinking, smoking, all the typical teenage stuff. Even though she swears she's not into anything illegal, I want to re-iterate that I'm hear to talk to. LIke I said before, she pretty much knows what I went through as a teen, I've never kept that from any of my family members, especially the teens.

So, how have I done so far?

Sounds like what I would do and what I would hope that someone would do for my kids if need be. I like to think that we're (dh and I) setting up a better relationship than that with our kids but you never know. I'd rather have them talking to a responsible adult than to no one at all.

Your relationship with your cousin sounds similar to one of mine- I was 17 when she was born so as far as she is concerned I am much cooler than her mom. This is not to say that I won't tell her what she needs to hear but I guess since the age gap is less it just comes across better.

 

[Mermaid02]

No I would not betray her confidence and neither should you. If she had a close relationship with her parents- a relationship that could withstand such a situation she would have told them. Obviously she feels she CAN'T tell them such a thing.... if you tell them she will have NO ONE.

The law says she has a right to make this decision without parental involvement and she executed that right. It makes me sick that anyone would think of betraying such a confidence.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Oh NO! Somebody had an experience that contradicts my own...whatever shall i do?? There goes my credibility...sigh.

1 My mom was far from "cool". I made the decision to go on BC without her. The "we" in my statement were my boyfriend and I. HOWEVER, my mom was a pretty good parent overall.

2. I was also not an idiot, like it sounds like your cousin was. We used condoms along with the BC. I also new the effect that taking some medication had on BC and planned accordingly.

3. While BC is not 100% effective, it sure beats doing nothing.

4. My story is just my story. Your story is just your story. Ultimately anecdotal evidence is fairly useless. I merely offered a possible suggestion to the OP (tell the parents to put her on BC if they are worried she's having sex). Of course, in MY world, that also means educating the user as to how the stuff works.

No need for sarcasm.

I was simply pointing out that it is not always a sign of good parenting to be "proactive".

In my cousin's case--her mother was as naive as the person in this story. She believed that giving her a pill was enough. She forgot the part about the education. My cousin -- didn't use her pill properly. Her mother set her up for failure.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No need for sarcasm.

I was simply pointing out that it is not always a sign of good parenting to be "proactive".

In my cousin's case--her mother was as naive as the person in this story. She believed that giving her a pill was enough. She forgot the part about the education. My cousin -- didn't use her pill properly. Her mother set her up for failure.

That is why it is important for the OP to step in. The mother in this story is setting her up for failure. What mother allows a BF to sleep in the bedroom and not expect they are having sex. I mean, you think she is going to suddenly become a good parent.

 

[babyrich]

Don't tell, this is one of those secrets that cant be reversed by them knowing. If you are older than her and close, ask her about birth control, make sure she sees a doctor.

Some parents are just plain blind. I had a friend in high school whose mom allowed her BF not only spend the night but in the same room!!! Than she was surprised when her daughter got pregnant.

Let her know what she is doing is not wrong; but this type of lifestyle is not wise for someone her age

 

[RadioNate]

Please please please do not tell her parents. Everyone here is assuming these are loving supportive people and they may not be. What happens if they find out? Do they disown her? Punish her for her "sins." What? We don't know.

There is a reason that this girl DIDN'T go to her parents. Don't force her to.

She chose the OP. She CONFIDED in you. She shared her heartache with you. Don't destroy that relationship. If you tell her parents...she will NEVER forgive you.

Abortions are generally safe procedures. There is little/no follow up care required. I would assume that she went to a clinic that provides the service. I do know that places like Planned Parenthood provide birth control and counseling when they perform abortions. She needs to be on some sort of hormonal birth control (though I would strongly recommend against depo as mentioned.) Yes STDs are a big concern but preventing another pregnancy is an immediate need. The rest can come later.

There is a reason your cousin confided in you OP. Help her. Love her. She already had the abortion and is already having sex. Help her to protect herself. Find out why she doesn't want to talk to her parents. You can encourage her to tell them but do not force it. And I'm seriously begging you...don't tell them yourself.

 

[Inigo]

Please please please do not tell her parents. Everyone here is assuming these are loving supportive people and they may not be. What happens if they find out? Do they disown her? Punish her for her "sins." What? We don't know.

There is a reason that this girl DIDN'T go to her parents. Don't force her to.

She chose the OP. She CONFIDED in you. She shared her heartache with you. Don't destroy that relationship. If you tell her parents...she will NEVER forgive you.

Abortions are generally safe procedures. There is little/no follow up care required. I would assume that she went to a clinic that provides the service. I do know that places like Planned Parenthood provide birth control and counseling when they perform abortions. She needs to be on some sort of hormonal birth control (though I would strongly recommend against depo as mentioned.) Yes STDs are a big concern but preventing another pregnancy is an immediate need. The rest can come later.

There is a reason your cousin confided in you OP. Help her. Love her. She already had the abortion and is already having sex. Help her to protect herself. Find out why she doesn't want to talk to her parents. You can encourage her to tell them but do not force it. And I'm seriously begging you...don't tell them yourself.

This.