Would you "rat" her out?

[NMAmy]

The way I see it, her parents are either really naive, or they just don't want to believe that she isn't anything but perfect

If they're asking everyone in the family for information, then perhaps they're not so naive as you think. Why ask unless they think there is something going on?

Don't betray her trust. Encourage her to talk to her parents. Encourage her to use birth control. If she's 16 and she has her own car, there's no need for you to take her to the doctor. Give her some information on where she can go and try to make her realize that if she's going to be sexually active, she needs to be old enough and mature enough to be responsible about it.

 

[Sparx]

how will her parents react if you tell them? this should be what makes your decision.

 

[luvmyfam444]

I guess it depends on how they ask you - I wouldn't lie for her - BUT if you can tell them just go ask your daughter - there is something she must tell you.
and NO I wouldn't dare take her to the dr yourself for birth control - I'd be BEYOND upset if you did something like that for my kid. SInce that's something between me & my kid

 

[AlleyKat]

My 16 year old cousin confided in me that she had an abortion and now I'm stuck because her parents are asking around the family if she's been involved with drugs, sex, drinking, ya know, the 16 year old stuff.

So, if asked, what do I tell her parents about their daughter?

Your cousin must feel you can be trusted!

I wouldn't tell her parents anything.

Tell her you're available for guidance and support(if you're willing) any time a situation may warrant it.

 

[krcit]

I wouldn't tell but I think I would talk to her and try to get her to at least talk to her parents and get on birth control.

These parents(in general, not just these) amaze me. Let the kids do adult things(sleep overs, no curfews) and then act all suprised when the kids do grown-up things before they are ready and make stupid mistakes.

 

[cuethemusic]

I really don't think parents should put other family members in uncomfortable situations like that, that don't directly concern them. If I were you and the parents asked me, I would tell them that it's something they should be asking their daughter about and not the rest of the family.

 

[mickeylove2]

did you ask her any of these questions...what is she using for birth control now, especially.

an abortion is not an easy thing to go thru, physically or emotionally. rarely you hear people talk about them in a blase way. how was her attitude toward what she went thru? was she in pain from it, or did she act like it was nothing?

what was she looking for from you?

am also curious, does she know your stance on abortion? am wondering why she chose you to confide in. I know you aren't being judgemental with her, but at the same time, if she knew you were anti-abortion, why you?

She is not currently using bc, that's why I'm considering going with her to get some. She was very upset when telling me, almost inconsolable, that's my main concern about what, if anything I should say to her parents. I don't want her going through life with this burden and no way to heal. I really think she may need some counseling. She knows my view on abortion but she also knows she can come to me about anything. She is like my little sister, and she is like a big sister to my kids. She is 1 of my girl cousins that my 2 girls hang out with and have sleepovers with. Basically we are just really close.

 

[luvmyfam444]

can she not get bc on her own if she can get an abortion on her own?

I wouldn't put it off meeting with her - she needs someone to talk to ASAP - talk to her & ask all those questions - where she had it done so you can be @ ease over her health being ok (for now)
suggest to her to get & use bc - she can at least use condoms without a dr
explain some about the STD's...just to remind her - she probaly learned all about that in school - but tell her again she needs to be checked that the guy didn't have anything

I think I'd be inclined to tell her that you will not allow her to confine in you any more unless she tells her parents - she can come to you for advice on HOW to tell her parents & you'll help there - but you will NOT help her lie & keep secrets, especially the ones that could hurt her.

I don't think it has to turn out ugly - with you in the middle - as long as you aren't keeping secrets & lying yourself

 

[mickeylove2]

I really don't think parents should put other family members in uncomfortable situations like that, that don't directly concern them. If I were you and the parents asked me, I would tell them that it's something they should be asking their daughter about and not the rest of the family.

Oh, I whole heartedly agree with you...but I know my family and that's just how they are. I mean, I could tell my mom that I have a pimple on my butt and by the weekend EVERYBODY knows, but not that it's a pimple but that I have some sort of mutant third leg coming out of my left butt cheek! Oh, and then I could run into my aunt at Walmart and be in a hurry so I try to dodge her and next thing I know, she's asking my cousins and brothers if I'm on drugs! That's just how they are, and when I say they, I mean my whole family! Nothing better to do than gossip! That's why I try to keep a distance.

 

[Shyvioletisme]

She is not currently using bc, that's why I'm considering going with her to get some. She was very upset when telling me, almost inconsolable, that's my main concern about what, if anything I should say to her parents. I don't want her going through life with this burden and no way to heal. I really think she may need some counseling. She knows my view on abortion but she also knows she can come to me about anything. She is like my little sister, and she is like a big sister to my kids. She is 1 of my girl cousins that my 2 girls hang out with and have sleepovers with. Basically we are just really close.

in this case...it is definitely not your place to tell her parents. If they ask, like other posters have said, just tell them that if they have questions about her they should ask her themselves.

Also, seeing as she obviously trusts you enough, I think it would be a good idea to go with her to get BC...obviously she doesn't trust or feel comfortable enough doing this with her parents, so she went to you. Since she is having sex, she needs some help and she has come to you for it. Good luck.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Don't say anything. Tell her parents that these are things they need to ask of her, not you. If she confided in you, she trusts you. Don't betray that trust. If you're uncomfortable keeping future confidences for her, then tell her that - but I hope you continue to be a supportive ear to her.

I agree. I would keep the lines of communication open with her. She has a lot to deal with at such a young age. Can you talk to her about counseling? She needs help.

I hope she thinks about abstaining. She is already going through a lot with what has happened. If she won't abstain, help her get bc. It's good she has you.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm so confused about this issue. This child had an abortion and is doing drugs not just drinking and messing around. She is on a short slope to a very bad life. You parents wouldn't want to know? What happens when it gets out of control or she tries to hurt herself? The parents will be pissed and the person with the secret is going to be holding the bag.

This girl is a child making bad decisions that can hurt her for the rest of her life. She doesn't need just birth control. She needs some overall help.

 

[Liberty Belle]

No, I would not "rat her out." Since she confided in you and her parents do know she spends the night with her boyfriend, I would feel comfortable taking her to get birth control. I'd emphasize the need for condoms, too.


ETA:
Ok, somehow I missed the doing drugs part. The abortion is over and done with and I'm assuming it caused no physical harm. The drug use and drinking, etc., are things that can really hurt her. I'd tell her that she either needs to stop, tell her parents about them, or I'd tell them myself.

 

[mickeylove2]

can she not get bc on her own if she can get an abortion on her own?

I wouldn't put it off meeting with her - she needs someone to talk to ASAP - talk to her & ask all those questions - where she had it done so you can be @ ease over her health being ok (for now)
suggest to her to get & use bc - she can at least use condoms without a dr
explain some about the STD's...just to remind her - she probaly learned all about that in school - but tell her again she needs to be checked that the guy didn't have anything

I think I'd be inclined to tell her that you will not allow her to confine in you any more unless she tells her parents - she can come to you for advice on HOW to tell her parents & you'll help there - but you will NOT help her lie & keep secrets, especially the ones that could hurt her.

I don't think it has to turn out ugly - with you in the middle - as long as you aren't keeping secrets & lying yourself

I guess she can get bc on her own, but I'd be worried that she wouldn't choose wisely. She's the type of girl that wouldn't get the depo shot because she wouldn't want to gain weight! So, I just want to make sure she's informed. Also, I don't want her to be embarrassed, she is just a young girl. Yeah, she made some very grown up and IMO stupid decisions, but she is just a child. I remember being 18 and pregnant and was nervous as hell going to a male OB/GYN so I would never want her to feel weird by being by herself.

Oh, and I would NEVER tell her that she couldn't confide in me, like I said in a PP, she's like my little sister.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

No way, I wouldn't. I don't feel it would be my place. Obviously she needs an adult to confide in, and you're it. She probably feels she can't confide in her parents for a reason, teen girls aren't dumb. If the parents are asking, I'd maybe allude to many girls are age are engaging in some sort of sexual activity, and then drop it. Chances are, if they ask her, she might not admit to it anyway. I wouldn't, however, take her to the Dr but tell the girl that Planned Parenthood offers services for free or low cost to girls just like her.

 

[DMRick]

You can get an abortion without parental consent at 14 here. You can also get birth control at no charge. At 16, it is not unusual in our area for a person to be having sex, including with multiple partners. A large percentage of the kids in our schools have taken advantage of the free birth control. STD's are almost normal here.

You should only be encouraging her to talk to her parents, and to get birth control. Anything else will be betraying her trust, if that is what you agreed to. I suggest the next time she tries to tell you something private, that you tell her you are not comfortable keeping secrets. Her parents must suspect something, if they are questioning people. They should not put others on the spot, but do their own parenting.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I wouldn't tell either. And to the pp who said if this was your kid would you want to know YES I would want to know BUT I want them to be able to confide in me and if for some reason they can't then I want them to feel comfortable confiding in someone else who would give them good advice. I would be open to her and tell her that if she wants to tell her parents you will be there with her. I would take her to a clinic for std's test and for birth control. The drinking and drugs I don't know how can you get her to stop?

 

[mickeylove2]

I'm so confused about this issue. This child had an abortion and is doing drugs not just drinking and messing around. She is on a short slope to a very bad life. You parents wouldn't want to know? What happens when it gets out of control or she tries to hurt herself? The parents will be pissed and the person with the secret is going to be holding the bag.

This girl is a child making bad decisions that can hurt her for the rest of her life. She doesn't need just birth control. She needs some overall help.

I'm sorry, a little miscommunication- she has NEVER told me she's doing drugs, we actually have another cousin who is an addict and the 16 yo has been adamant that she's not doing anything like that. I'm no idiot though, I know what I was experimenting with at 16, so who knows. (But she also knows what I was doing at 16, so I think she would feel comfortable enough to tell me if she was doing any of that stuff though.) I do know that she goes to drinking parties, has been drunk twice and has sworn off alcohol, until college she says. I'm more worried about her driving home from these drinking parties and getting into an accident with her drunk friends. She's a good kid, straight A's, National Honor Society, on the road to a college scholarship, never been in any type of trouble at school or with the law. The problem is, she's such a good kid, that her parents think she deserves this freedom, thus she comes home late and no punishment. THEY allow the sleepovers, again, I'm not an idiot, I knew they were having sex and if the parents don't know, they are living in a fantasy world, what 16 yo has her boyfriend sleep over if they aren't having sex??? I think, she just needs a little guidance, she's not necessarily on the road to hell. KWIM?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Short answer no. If the parents are asking they already know.

Here is what the parents are doing....

They are asking around because then they can come at her with "so & so said this". In essence they are permissive parents who are looking to put the blame elsewhere.

So if the parents came at me for answers I would point out that they give her free reign and let the boy spend the night at their house.

 

[stashbin]

As a mother to two daughters, I am not naive to think that something like this could never happen to me. When I read this thread I thought about how I would feel if one of my DD's went to another family member to confide such a horrible secret. The truth is, I would feel hurt and mad that my kids didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to me about it....BUT I would still want to know and I would be more hurt if my family member didn't tell me!!!!

OP, simply put...it's not your fault that the relationship with the girl's parents wasn't strong enough for her to tell them. She chose you for whatever reason. How do you know she doesn't WANT you to tell them because she was too afraid to? Even if she truly wants you to keep it a secret, I don't see how you should. Trust or no trust, she is not capable of making such adult decisions at 16 years old.
And the number one reason you should tell IMO is you are NOT her mother.