Would you "rat" her out?

[princess.chell]

Please don't tell her parents.
I'm 18. My cousin is 30, 12 years old than me. Within the last two years, we've grown closer and I tell her things that I would never dream of telling my parents, though nothing like what your cousin has told you. She has provided me guidance when I have no one else to turn to. If she ever told my parents things I've told her, I would be heartbroken because she broke my trust. I don't even want to think about it.
She has encouraged me to tell my parents things and how to go about doing so. But other things we've kept just between us. It has been a great help to me because even though I have a good relationship with parents its not great. And having her around lately has been amazing.
So please please please, encourage her to tell her parents, provide her guidance, but don't flat out tell her parents.

 

[Jennasis]

No need for sarcasm.

I was simply pointing out that it is not always a sign of good parenting to be "proactive".

In my cousin's case--her mother was as naive as the person in this story. She believed that giving her a pill was enough. She forgot the part about the education. My cousin -- didn't use her pill properly. Her mother set her up for failure.

No no...I NEED sarcasm. It's like, my middle name and junk. Jennasis "Sarcasm" Jones

You other post danced awfully close to an accusation that my mother wasn't a good parent, though i know that's likely not what you were really implying. However, in my case it wasn't a matter of parenting at all, since it was my actions/decisions. I also never implied in any way that telling them to be proactive and put her on the pill or what-have-you WAS good parenting (or bad parenting). It was only a suggestion.

Sounds like the OP's cousin's parents have a pretty good bead on poor parenting as it is.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

No no...I NEED sarcasm. It's like, my middle name and junk. Jennasis "Sarcasm" Jones

You other post danced awfully close to an accusation that my mother wasn't a good parent, though i know that's likely not what you were really implying. However, in my case it wasn't a matter of parenting at all, since it was my actions/decisions. I also never implied in any way that telling them to be proactive and put her on the pill or what-have-you WAS good parenting (or bad parenting). It was only a suggestion.

Clearly your mom was a great parent and I apologize if it came across that I was stating otherwise. I was more so implying and should have flat out stated that my aunt was a blooming idiot. She tried, but she just couldn't get it right. In her case--she expected the worst and instead of trying to parent properly to get the best outcome--it was as if she paved the way to the worst possible outcome--inclusive of drugs and alcohol.

Today--my cousin is doing as great as can be expected. She tries real hard to be a good mom and do what she can despite her mother's mistakes to be a productive member of society.

As for sarcasm--we all need it every now and then. Heck--I need it everyday and am pleased that my OB prescribed it.

 

[babytrees]

Please please please do not tell her parents. Everyone here is assuming these are loving supportive people and they may not be. What happens if they find out? Do they disown her? Punish her for her "sins." What? We don't know.

There is a reason that this girl DIDN'T go to her parents. Don't force her to.

She chose the OP. She CONFIDED in you. She shared her heartache with you. Don't destroy that relationship. If you tell her parents...she will NEVER forgive you.

Abortions are generally safe procedures. There is little/no follow up care required. I would assume that she went to a clinic that provides the service. I do know that places like Planned Parenthood provide birth control and counseling when they perform abortions. She needs to be on some sort of hormonal birth control (though I would strongly recommend against depo as mentioned.) Yes STDs are a big concern but preventing another pregnancy is an immediate need. The rest can come later.

There is a reason your cousin confided in you OP. Help her. Love her. She already had the abortion and is already having sex. Help her to protect herself. Find out why she doesn't want to talk to her parents. You can encourage her to tell them but do not force it. And I'm seriously begging you...don't tell them yourself.

Op-what Alison said x3

Thank you for starting a conversation between my 17 yo and myself too If she can't come to me I hope that she is able to confide in another grown up....

 

[Disney Doll]

Don't tell her parenst about the abortion. It's done, and there's a reason she did not tell them.

Her parents sound like idiots and quite frankly, if they asked me if I "heard" she was haivng sex or doing drugs, I'd probably say something like "well you are very lenient with her in many aspects of her life." because they are very lenient with her in many aspects of her life...who lets a 16 year old boyfriend and girlfriend sleeps over each other's houses unless it is a DIRE emergency??????

Work your plan OP. Get her BC, get her to talk,....

 

[MiniGirl]

I doubt the girl is having a "syndrome" that does not exist!

..."The American Psychological Association showed 76 percent of women reporting feelings of relief after abortion and 17 percent reporting guilt. “The weight of the evidence,” the panel wrote article in Science, indicates that a first-trimester abortion of an unwanted pregnancy “does not pose a psychological hazard for most women.”

Nada Stotland, a psychiatry professor at Rush Medical College in Chicago and now vice-president of the American Psychiatric Association, was even more emphatic. “There is no evidence of an abortion-trauma syndrome,” she concluded in an article for The Journal of the American Medical Association. "

To get back on topic I would never tell the parents. I would help with the birth control, answer questions and do what I could.

Okay, so I'm editing my really long post that I just posted.

I originally posted on this thread to try to support the OP and her cousin. I did want to respond to this though. I am not here to argue, and won't post further on the subject. Because I really do not wish to turn this into a debate.

Actually, the APA has not said PAS does not exist. What they have said is that the methodology to determine if it is real doesn't exist. At the end of the report you quoted, they make recommendations to come up with a method which would determine if PAS exists and to what extent. If a women is suffering from depression 10 years after an abortion, how does one determine if it is from the abortion or other events in her life? So far, a way has not been found. Simply asking doesn't work. They have also said that it likely does exist in women who were coerced into an abortion. Many of the women I have spoken with feel that given their situation, they had no choice. They felt coerced by their circumstance -- if you will.

Also keep in mind, that many things ending in the words "syndrome" and/or "disorder" all existed long before they were officially named. ADD and ADHD immediately come to mind. Same with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This didn't "exist" until the 1980s when it was recognized and studied in Vietnam Veterans. Does that mean vets from earlier wars didn't suffer from it? Of course not. Even then it was used only to descibe what soldiers were experiencing. Now, it is used to describe the emotions rape, abuse, and accident victims are facing. Shoot, even PMS wasn't "real" until the 1950s, and even now many men and women feel these disorders and syndromes don't exist. They feel it is something they just need to "get over" or that these symptoms are "all in their head." Another challenge is that what may have no affect on you or me, may have a great affect on someone else. Does that mean it is any less real for that person?

You don't feel it exists. Fine. I know it does. I've spoken to too many women who have experienced it. When they are allowed to go through the grieving process, the depression and other symptoms ease and often go away. Legal, safe, and widely available abortions are still a relatively new thing. It may be many more years before the APA feels suffient testing has been done to recognize PAS as real. That's fine. That doesn't mean we should ignore it in the mean time.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

This girl is going to need some serious counseling. She cannot grow up with this burden, it is going to eat her alive. Maybe you can find her a support group and take her. She can learn from other's how they coped, and maybe she will eventually get the nerve up to tell her parent herself, if she feels they may help her cope with the loss.

If your family is religious, she is probably feeling like she is damned to hell. She needs to know forgiveness. You need to encourage her that keeping this a secret is not good for her. She needs to talk about it with people who have been where she is. Please help her find a support group specifically for abortions.

 

[Mermaid02]

This girl is going to need some serious counseling. She cannot grow up with this burden, it is going to eat her alive. Maybe you can find her a support group and take her. She can learn from other's how they coped, and maybe she will eventually get the nerve up to tell her parent herself, if she feels they may help her cope with the loss.

If your family is religious, she is probably feeling like she is damned to hell. She needs to know forgiveness. You need to encourage her that keeping this a secret is not good for her. She needs to talk about it with people who have been where she is. Please help her find a support group specifically for abortions.

Counseling is a wonderful idea....and getting her birth control is an even better idea- but to say that her terminating an unplanned pregnancy at 16 will "eat her alive" is a bit over the top IMO. Yes she was upset when she told the OP, but I'm sure she was nervous- it doesn't necessarily mean she was second guessing her decision. Her reproductive health is legally her business, not her parents. It's not a "secret" as much as it is her PRIVATE HEALTH INFORMATION. I doubt she used their insurance... more likely she and her boyfriend scraped together the cash.

 

[Shmily1]

It sounds like your cousin trusts you and looks up to you. Don't break that for her parents that can't seem to be engaged in her life. It doesn't sound like she is really close to her parents and can't talk to them about stuff like this so she's not going to tell them she needs birth control either. You are not out of line taking her. If my DD didn't want to talk to me about that stuff but would someone else, I would hope they would take her. Actually, when my DD went to get hers, she called me and said, "hey can you make me an appointment? I want to get BC. Oh, and can you make Susie and appointment too and we will go together." They went together and I didn't even go because that's how she wanted it.

It also sounds to me like she probably had the abortion to keep from having to tell her parents about a baby and if she wanted them to know she had the abortion, it should be her place to tell them.

Hang in there OP! You're doing great and she needs you to be there for her. Give her guidance and help her and maybe she can learn from your mistakes. She's way more likely to listen to you since she looks up to you.

 

[MiniGirl]

Counseling is a wonderful idea....and getting her birth control is an even better idea- but to say that her terminating an unplanned pregnancy at 16 will "eat her alive" is a bit over the top IMO. Yes she was upset when she told the OP, but I'm sure she was nervous- it doesn't necessarily mean she was second guessing her decision. Her reproductive health is legally her business, not her parents. It's not a "secret" as much as it is her PRIVATE HEALTH INFORMATION. I doubt she used their insurance... more likely she and her boyfriend scraped together the cash.

It is possible for a woman to experience both at the same time. Many post-abortive women feel they made the right decision given their situation at the time, but they still feel overwhelmed by the guilt and grief. Not all, of course, but many.

ETA: I'm not saying the OP's young cousin will or won't feel this way. We, of course, don't know. I'm just saying you could both be right.

 

[sunnyday123]

Don't tell her parenst about the abortion. It's done, and there's a reason she did not tell them.

Her parents sound like idiots and quite frankly, if they asked me if I "heard" she was haivng sex or doing drugs, I'd probably say something like "well you are very lenient with her in many aspects of her life." because they are very lenient with her in many aspects of her life...who lets a 16 year old boyfriend and girlfriend sleeps over each other's houses unless it is a DIRE emergency??????

Work your plan OP. Get her BC, get her to talk,....

Also, drugs are not "normal" 16 year old stuff. I'd be more concerned about that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Also, drugs are not "normal" 16 year old stuff. I'd be more concerned about that.

The parents don't want to exercise "normal" discipline and boundaries so you are stuck.

The best you can do is to "be there" and direct them to help.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry, a little miscommunication- she has NEVER told me she's doing drugs, we actually have another cousin who is an addict and the 16 yo has been adamant that she's not doing anything like that. I'm no idiot though, I know what I was experimenting with at 16, so who knows. (But she also knows what I was doing at 16, so I think she would feel comfortable enough to tell me if she was doing any of that stuff though.) I do know that she goes to drinking parties, has been drunk twice and has sworn off alcohol, until college she says. I'm more worried about her driving home from these drinking parties and getting into an accident with her drunk friends. She's a good kid, straight A's, National Honor Society, on the road to a college scholarship, never been in any type of trouble at school or with the law. The problem is, she's such a good kid, that her parents think she deserves this freedom, thus she comes home late and no punishment. THEY allow the sleepovers, again, I'm not an idiot, I knew they were having sex and if the parents don't know, they are living in a fantasy world, what 16 yo has her boyfriend sleep over if they aren't having sex??? I think, she just needs a little guidance, she's not necessarily on the road to hell. KWIM?

OP said she wasn't doing drugs.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP said she wasn't doing drugs.

OK, that is what I thought. People kept saying she was "doing drugs" so I thought I missed something.

 

[stashbin]

That's fine.

I choose not to lie for people. I'm okay with that.

ETA: To clarify--I especially would not lie for a minor child and cover for them in any way to live a wreckless life.

Lisa I agree with you. You can go back to page 3 and read my thoughts about the situation.

 

[mickeylove2]

Hello guys! Sorry, I haven't been able to update, we were out of power all day yesterday and we've had horrible weather so I didn't get a chance to talk to my cousin or her parents yet, not something that I want to do over the phone. But my cousin and I have been texting just normal conversation since Tuesday and she told me that she didn't even tell the bf about the pregnancy or abortion and she has told him that she is ready to stop having sex, for now. She said no more sleepovers and no sex, if he doesn't like it then they should cool off on their relationship. She's still not ready to tell her parents and I told her that that is fine and normal, it may be a while before she is ready to but I would still be there when that happens.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Hello guys! Sorry, I haven't been able to update, we were out of power all day yesterday and we've had horrible weather so I didn't get a chance to talk to my cousin or her parents yet, not something that I want to do over the phone. But my cousin and I have been texting just normal conversation since Tuesday and she told me that she didn't even tell the bf about the pregnancy or abortion and she has told him that she is ready to stop having sex, for now. She said no more sleepovers and no sex, if he doesn't like it then they should cool off on their relationship. She's still not ready to tell her parents and I told her that that is fine and normal, it may be a while before she is ready to but I would still be there when that happens.

Thanks for the update.

It's great she is choosing abstinence. It sounds like she is wising up some. Better late than never. She's really young to be handling all that's attached to sex (and recent events). Is she thinking about counseling?

You might want to look into this website (before recommending it to your niece) : www.abortionchangesyou.com. I say that, and I haven't looked at it. I heard about it while flipping through talk radio the other day. From the little bit I heard, I think it's stories about women who have been through it. Might be something worthwhile for her to look at. (Forgive me if it's not, just thought I'd pass it on.)

 

[FayeW]

My concern would be that she may be feeling tremendous guilt for her decision to have an abortion, and may "accidentally on purpose" become pregnant again in some twisted attempt to make "amends" (for lack of a better word). I am glad to hear that for now she has decided to slow things down with the boyfriend.