Would you "rat" her out?

[pilesoflaundry]

I would not tell them everything but let them know they might want to talk to her themselves or ask them why they are asking. Are they finding evidence of things and she is lying and they hope to catch her?

EDIT just saw page 3. Wow. Um they are completely irresponsible idiot parents and NO I would not tell them anything at all. She confided in you because she needs that adult guidance she is not getting at home and all it will do is cause issues. If they are stupid enough to allow her out and allow the sleepovers well they know what is up but don't want to effectively parent, they want to be able to say "so and so said you did this" as another posted said.

 

[MiniGirl]

OP, you're in a tough situation. I don't think I would "rat her out." However, I would educate myself.

PAS (Post Abortive Syndrome) can show itself in many ways and often many, many years after the fact. Also, many women do not realize the self-destructive behaviors could be the result of their abortion. I would also check out post abortive message boards and see if others who have BTDT have any insight to share. The ones I know about are faith based (safehavenministries is the one that immediately comes to mind), but I'm sure there are secular ones as well. Ramah International is also a good place for resources.

Like others have mentioned, I would encourage her to talk to her parents. Is this something you would be willing to do with her? If so, offer to be there to hold her hand through it. She obviously trusts you, and I think keeping that trust is more important that telling her parents, but again, I would encourage her to tell her folks. If she won't, just keep loving her.

 

[mickeylove2]

Short answer no. If the parents are asking they already know.

Here is what the parents are doing....

They are asking around because then they can come at her with "so & so said this". In essence they are permissive parents who are looking to put the blame elsewhere.

So if the parents came at me for answers I would point out that they give her free reign and let the boy spend the night at their house.

This is exactly what they will do! That's what my family is known for
I agree 100% with the last comment! Thank you

 

[Jennasis]

Tell her parents?? No freakin way. She obviously has reservations about them and how they'd handle it. Besides, IF you did tell them, kiss that relationship with your cousin GOODBYE, and possibly even the one with her parents.

What you can and should do is talk to her about protection. Perhaps you can also help her find a way to tell her parents? Maybe she'd like you there with her? Like a buffer to help defuse what she assumes will be a poo-storm.

If her moron parents come sniffing around to you for info, you should tell them to talk to their daughter. OR if they are so worried about it, put her on BC anyway. I started BC before I was "active" because we knew it was imminent and were being proactive.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I think telling you was a cry out for help, the poor kids drowning and needs help asap. Getting her birth control won't solve her problems its like putting a band aid on a broken leg. Encourage her to talk to her parents, she needs them.

Talk to her about all the destructive choices she's made and why, let her know she can still start a cleam new slate, its not to late. Let her know that the road she's on won't end well, share your own trials you went through and regrets etc...

Ask her about her own hopes and dreams, where does she see herself in 5 years on her current path? Is that where she wants to be? Encourage her to follow her dreams, help her map out a plan to get there, tell her just how smart and beautiful she is, just the way God made her and that your so grateful she's in your life. above all just love her and let her know you believe in her, she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to do.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

PAS (Post Abortive Syndrome) can show itself in many ways and often many, many years after the fact. Also, many women do not realize the self-destructive behaviors could be the result of their abortion.

Like others have mentioned, I would encourage her to talk to her parents. Is this something you would be willing to do with her? If so, offer to be there to hold her hand through it. She obviously trusts you, and I think keeping that trust is more important that telling her parents, but again, I would encourage her to tell her folks. If she won't, just keep loving her.

I doubt the girl is having a "syndrome" that does not exist!

..."The American Psychological Association showed 76 percent of women reporting feelings of relief after abortion and 17 percent reporting guilt. “The weight of the evidence,” the panel wrote article in Science, indicates that a first-trimester abortion of an unwanted pregnancy “does not pose a psychological hazard for most women.”

Nada Stotland, a psychiatry professor at Rush Medical College in Chicago and now vice-president of the American Psychiatric Association, was even more emphatic. “There is no evidence of an abortion-trauma syndrome,” she concluded in an article for The Journal of the American Medical Association. "

To get back on topic I would never tell the parents. I would help with the birth control, answer questions and do what I could.

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

I agree with the keep it quiet sentiment until her actions severely affect her health (STD, etc). But please don't stop there. She has chosen to confide in you and I think you should get her as educated as possible. She is obviously already active, but you can help her out by teaching her about birth control and disease prevention. As for the parents for when they ask about their daughter, maybe just suggest that you don't agree with their decision about encouraging their daughter to date and have the sleepovers. Maybe they have never been called out on that before.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would not rat her out, but I would not harbor her secrets either.

For a community board that emphasizes in many parenting threads that kids aren't always honest--I do not blame this child's parents for seeking out information from others.

OP--you are not her parent. So no, you should not be taking her for any medical care unless it were a dire emergency (i.e. she needs to go to the ER).
Birth control is not a dire emergency. I seriously would not get involved in that at all. Her parents may be naive, but they are her parents. It is not up to you to bring the expertise to the table.

My mom is one of nine and there is a wide age span of ages. I gradated college 14 years ago. Today--I have cousins ranging in age from toddler to high school.

I would NEVER in a million years--attempt to undermine the authority of their parents. I wouldn't step in and assist them in getting anything that they chose not to go to their parents for. Legal, illegal or otherwise.

Another thing I would not do--if I as an adult, was trusted by a teenager and then told not to ever tell...that's the first sign that they know what they are doing is wrong, they know they will get in trouble and the last time I checked, I'm not able to provide them the relief they are seeking when they confess. So I'd probably stop the confessionals.

I will not lie for anyone. And that is essentially what you are doing if you answer questions contrary to what you know.

The girl needs her parents and I am not sure you are equipped to replace them despite your negative opinons of them.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If her moron parents come sniffing around to you for info, you should tell them to talk to their daughter. OR if they are so worried about it, put her on BC anyway. I started BC before I was "active" because we knew it was imminent and were being proactive.

My cousin's mother did the same thing---let's just say....all of her "proactiveness'--didn't help one bit. Yet my mother and all the other older aunts who didn't put any of us on BC "b/c it was imminent"--didn't end up with an "oops". My cousin had 4 children by the time I graduated college.

Just b/c a parent is--hip and cool on the whole safe sex thing--doens't mean that they are a good parent.

 

[ZPT1022]

Without reading any responses, I would say that as a parent I would want to know BUT, ultimately I would rather have my child have a responsible adult that they can confide in. If you tell her parents what she told you, I guarantee that's the last time she'll ever share anything with you. I'd rather have my child have some responsible adult guidance to fall back on, and hopefully since the cousin is open with you, you can steer her towards more positive choices.

Could you call her and tell her you've been thinking about what she told you and while you don't want to call her parents you think they should know?? At least try to get her to see a doctor or clinic and get on birth control rather than relying on abortion as a form of birth control.

Gosh, this just makes me hope that by being so open with our kids now, that DH and I will never be the parents in this situation. It kind of sucks for everyone involved.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think telling you was a cry out for help, the poor kids drowning and needs help asap. Getting her birth control won't solve her problems its like putting a band aid on a broken leg. Encourage her to talk to her parents, she needs them.

Talk to her about all the destructive choices she's made and why, let her know she can still start a cleam new slate, its not to late. Let her know that the road she's on won't end well, share your own trials you went through and regrets etc...

Ask her about her own hopes and dreams, where does she see herself in 5 years on her current path? Is that where she wants to be? Encourage her to follow her dreams, help her map out a plan to get there, tell her just how smart and beautiful she is, just the way God made her and that your so grateful she's in your life. above all just love her and let her know you believe in her, she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to do.

She had unprotected sex and got pregnant. Teenagers often do have sex and it's completely natural. It's not like she is a sex addict. Birth control will solve the getting pregnant thing.

 

[KirstenB]

Don't tell. I've already asked my younger sister to be the "confidant" if my children ever need someone other than dh or me. I trust this sister more than my other siblings, or any other family. I really think every kid needs a trusted adult, and OP, you're it. I'm sorry this is both awkward, and goes against your own opinions on the topic. Don't violate the trust.

 

[luvmy3]

I think telling you was a cry out for help, the poor kids drowning and needs help asap. Getting her birth control won't solve her problems its like putting a band aid on a broken leg. Encourage her to talk to her parents, she needs them.

Talk to her about all the destructive choices she's made and why, let her know she can still start a cleam new slate, its not to late. Let her know that the road she's on won't end well, share your own trials you went through and regrets etc...

Ask her about her own hopes and dreams, where does she see herself in 5 years on her current path? Is that where she wants to be? Encourage her to follow her dreams, help her map out a plan to get there, tell her just how smart and beautiful she is, just the way God made her and that your so grateful she's in your life. above all just love her and let her know you believe in her, she can accomplish anything she sets her mind to do.

I was going to respond to this but I honestly don't know where to begin

 

[Katieinwonderland]

When I was 17, one of my best friends came to me and told me she'd had an abortion. It was a total shock - I didn't even know she was having sex, let alone was pregnant. She was finding it very, very hard to cope with her decision and needed someone to talk to. Sometimes teenagers just can't talk to their parents, and they need someone else to confide in. If you guys are as close as you say, I would keep this to yourself. She obviously feels she can trust you and talk to you, and that's what's important now.

I would talk to her about birth control - if she's embarrassed, you could go with her to the doctor. I would also talk to her about counselling, and again see if she wants you to go with her. If she won't see a counsellor, at least make it clear to her that she can always come to you to talk - and that she can trust you to keep quiet about what she tells you.

By the way, my friend never did tell her parents, even though she is close to them. She's actually married and expecting her first child right now - she's due in about two months. She didn't see a counsellor, but she did come and me (and another friend) to talk when she felt overwhelmed by her decision - and I guess we did help her. Your cousin will probably always think about her choice, but it isn't something that has to ruin her life.

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP:
I only read your question and nothing else on the thread.

First, she has a good cousin in you, not pushing your beliefs on her when she was in such an awfully sad situation. Just being there for her.

As a MOM I want to scream at these type of parents who think that being their kids friend instead of a parent giving boundaries, is NOT the way to raise a healthy responsible adult.
I am glad to hear your cousin is okay physically since you did not state otherwise, I pray she is the same mentally, now and in the future. I am not sure of the relationship other than "cousin" but are you significantly older, seen more as a parent figure, or almost the same age?? The reason I ask is, she really needs an outlet and I do not think that burdening YOU will help her in the long run. Its also no fair to you to have to "know the info": and keep it all in either. It scares me for both of you. Would I suggest running to her parents to tell them, No.
I would suggest trying your best to talk to her and explain that she may be leading down a really dangerous path here...one she may Not be able to get out of without seriously harming herself...She needs to SPEAK with her parents, talk to them about what is going on in her life. I think I would not be comfortable in your shoes, just approaching them or even responding if they even asked you. That is wrong on their part, they need to Step up to parenting and Parent their own child, it is very sad to me!!! If they do approach, I think I would acknowledge that "Susie" really needs someone to talk too, without elaborating. I hope that your cousin finds her way and is able to make responsible decisions as Actions have Consequences, as you have already seen! Sex, disease, drugs, extreme peer pressure....very scary time for so many Teens...some never see adulthood!

 

[sbell111]

I would not rat her out, but I would not harbor her secrets either.

For a community board that emphasizes in many parenting threads that kids aren't always honest--I do not blame this child's parents for seeking out information from others.

OP--you are not her parent. So no, you should not be taking her for any medical care unless it were a dire emergency (i.e. she needs to go to the ER).
Birth control is not a dire emergency. I seriously would not get involved in that at all. Her parents may be naive, but they are her parents. It is not up to you to bring the expertise to the table.

My mom is one of nine and there is a wide age span of ages. I gradated college 14 years ago. Today--I have cousins ranging in age from toddler to high school.

I would NEVER in a million years--attempt to undermine the authority of their parents. I wouldn't step in and assist them in getting anything that they chose not to go to their parents for. Legal, illegal or otherwise.

Another thing I would not do--if I as an adult, was trusted by a teenager and then told not to ever tell...that's the first sign that they know what they are doing is wrong, they know they will get in trouble and the last time I checked, I'm not able to provide them the relief they are seeking when they confess. So I'd probably stop the confessionals.

I will not lie for anyone. And that is essentially what you are doing if you answer questions contrary to what you know.

The girl needs her parents and I am not sure you are equipped to replace them despite your negative opinons of them.

Suffice it to say that I disagree with that post in it's entirety. (With the small exception that I would not rat her out even if asked directly.

 

[mickeylove2]

OK so we've been texting pretty much all day and this is what my plan is. I will not violate her confidence and tell her parents, but I am going to confront them about the sleepovers and the fact that if they are staying in the same room it's safe to say they are having sex and that it's probably a good idea to put her on bc. I will offer to take her if they don't want to. I also told her that she *needs* to talk to her parents about this kind of stuff, she says no way, I said that I would be willing to have a sit down with them and her and be a mediator if she decided to talk to them. I told her that I will ALWAYS be there for her if she needs me.

I also told her that I know a couple of great professionals that would be beneficial to talk to about how to cope with her decision. She is interested so that's a plus. We are gonna hang out and have lunch as soon as this "snowmageddon" is over! I plan on talking to her about bc, stds, drugs, drinking, smoking, all the typical teenage stuff. Even though she swears she's not into anything illegal, I want to re-iterate that I'm hear to talk to. LIke I said before, she pretty much knows what I went through as a teen, I've never kept that from any of my family members, especially the teens.

So, how have I done so far?

 

[mickeylove2]

OP:
I only read your question and nothing else on the thread.

First, she has a good cousin in you, not pushing your beliefs on her when she was in such an awfully sad situation. Just being there for her.

As a MOM I want to scream at these type of parents who think that being their kids friend instead of a parent giving boundaries, is NOT the way to raise a healthy responsible adult.
I am glad to hear your cousin is okay physically since you did not state otherwise, I pray she is the same mentally, now and in the future. I am not sure of the relationship other than "cousin" but are you significantly older, seen more as a parent figure, or almost the same age?? The reason I ask is, she really needs an outlet and I do not think that burdening YOU will help her in the long run. Its also no fair to you to have to "know the info": and keep it all in either. It scares me for both of you. Would I suggest running to her parents to tell them, No.
I would suggest trying your best to talk to her and explain that she may be leading down a really dangerous path here...one she may Not be able to get out of without seriously harming herself...She needs to SPEAK with her parents, talk to them about what is going on in her life. I think I would not be comfortable in your shoes, just approaching them or even responding if they even asked you. That is wrong on their part, they need to Step up to parenting and Parent their own child, it is very sad to me!!! If they do approach, I think I would acknowledge that "Susie" really needs someone to talk too, without elaborating. I hope that your cousin finds her way and is able to make responsible decisions as Actions have Consequences, as you have already seen! Sex, disease, drugs, extreme peer pressure....very scary time for so many Teens...some never see adulthood!

I should have clarified, I am about 12 years older than her, 2 girls 6 & 8. I have my Associate Degree in Social Work. A lot of credits in the psychology department, many in child psych, and after taking a little time off I will continue with my BA and MSW in Social Work with *hopefully* an AA or BA in Psych. I have never worked in either of these department so no real hands on experience.

 

[sbell111]

OK so we've been texting pretty much all day and this is what my plan is. I will not violate her confidence and tell her parents, but I am going to confront them about the sleepovers and the fact that if they are staying in the same room it's safe to say they are having sex and that it's probably a good idea to put her on bc. I will offer to take her if they don't want to. I also told her that she *needs* to talk to her parents about this kind of stuff, she says no way, I said that I would be willing to have a sit down with them and her and be a mediator if she decided to talk to them. I told her that I will ALWAYS be there for her if she needs me.

I also told her that I know a couple of great professionals that would be beneficial to talk to about how to cope with her decision. She is interested so that's a plus. We are gonna hang out and have lunch as soon as this "snowmageddon" is over! I plan on talking to her about bc, stds, drugs, drinking, smoking, all the typical teenage stuff. Even though she swears she's not into anything illegal, I want to re-iterate that I'm hear to talk to. LIke I said before, she pretty much knows what I went through as a teen, I've never kept that from any of my family members, especially the teens.

So, how have I done so far?

Good plan.

I like that you have an 'in' to talk about her having sex (the sleepovers) without actually telling them that you know that she is having sex.

 

[wdwfan16]

You tell her parents nothing. You keep open channel with her and try to get her to tell them when she is ready. She may never be ready and you are to keep her secrets forever.