Working moms: Do you feel held back?

[Kellydelly]

I am also a RN that works prn, (contingent in my neck of the woods). I would not work part time or full time again (worked full time for the first year after graduation). I think the flexibility of planning your own schedule and not being obligated to weekends and holidays is priceless, especially when your children are young. Every time I am at work the other nurses are complaining how they cannot take vacation when they would like to, or how they have to provide their own coverage to get time off. They accrue PTO but are not allowed to use it. It stinks! I am fortunate that my husband is the main breadwinner in my house, so my income is mostly extra (I try to work two 12s a week). You have more pressure to earn, but it sounds like you get whatever shifts you want or need (in my case contingents get cancelled first so my income is kind of variable, which is the only downfall). I think if you can stay PRN while your kids are young I think that would benefit your family. As a nurse you have years to fulfill your career dreams, I wouldn't feel stilted right now while you're getting your husband's education finished up. It sounds like your current job works well for your family.

I need to read this whole thread to see if you provide more info, but what on earth is your husband getting his masters degree in that he will never catch up to your RN pay? My husband has an associate's degree and makes more than my nurse pay, a lot more!

 

[BLAZEY]

When your husband is finished his degree, will he find a job that makes 5x or more than he does now? If that happens will you get to quit your job and stay at home to home school DD? I'm sorry, he is NOT allowed to complain about money when you are making that much more than him, as well as doing all the child raising and household chores. What exactly is he contributing to the family at this point?

 

[Shmily1]

I had this situation with my husband and now he's my XH. The difference with us was that he made more money than I did. Since he made more he felt that my job was worthless and his took priority. Taking promotions and such was out of the question because no way could my job interfere with his job even though he had a cushy state job with tons of time off and a great union.

I was expected to do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, school functions, child rearing, calling out of work, taking time off for kids, he never woke up once in the middle of the night, I had to find my own childcare for extra things I wanted to do because he needed his time (kind of like with your DH not wanting to cut into his free time to take your DD to daycare) AND WORK MY FULL TIME JOB. I think in his eyes I was expected to do this because I couldn't live up to contributing half to the household even though I made half than him and when I didn't it was a problem about how I couldn't pull my own weight financially.

It got old...FAST. Resentment took over and I was sick of him. So I got a divorce and now I do it all minus having him around to do crap for. Life is so much easier.

Exactly!! We have similar stories for sure. The difference is mine went to work but spent his money on his hobbies so I was expected to pay for everything for the family. We worked at the same place and made similar money. When I had DS, I asked him to pick up the papers so I could add him to MY insurance. His comment was "I'm not having anything else taken out of my check". And he was right. I didn't want my son on his insurance. In fact, I could get along much better taking care of my kids without him than with him. There wasn't as much housework needed or as much food eaten without him either! Pull your weight or be gone!

 

[morgan98]

When your husband is finished his degree, will he find a job that makes 5x or more than he does now? If that happens will you get to quit your job and stay at home to home school DD? I'm sorry, he is NOT allowed to complain about money when you are making that much more than him, as well as doing all the child raising and household chores. What exactly is he contributing to the family at this point?

This is basically my question to the OP too. Not to mention, she has mentioned several times that once he finishes his degree they may have to move. Maybe I am jaded or cynical, but I would be very careful about packing up and moving. If you are currently making 5x's his salary, he would need a job paying substantially more than your current salary to cause the family to relocate (at least in my opinion). Quite frankly, I know of very few degrees that would cause one's salary to jump that much immediately upon graduation. I am just saying I would proceed with caution.

I agree with the others and think this is more of a marriage issue than a woman in the workforce issue.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Learn to say no and learn to share the load. Generally women feel the need for perfection in the household but you have a partner. Let him be an active partner.

Let me tell you when I first got married a hundred years ago, my husband could not cook. I told him we would figure something out because I"m just as important as he is. I worked hour for hour that he did. Every night I would pull out a recipe and the things for the meal. The man is smart enough to open cans, start browning meat or grill some chicken.

Fast forward hundred years and he is rather semi important (in his own mind at least) and I still can match him hour for hour of work. He now understand the importance of a toilet brush, how to mop OUR kitchen floor, and can make dinners all on his own with no recipe cards. He is my partner and he is active and participating.

You have to decide you don't want to do it all yourself. You are married with a partner for a reason. Share your household.

I think some of that "need for perfection" needs to be addressed. I think women tend to make a martyr of themselves often NOT because their manis incapable or unwilling to help, but rather because they put different priorities on things.

For example:
DW complains about having to make the kids' lunches. My solution isn't to do it for her, it's to have the kids (15 & 10) do it for themselves. Not OK by her. So, she does it.

DW complains about laundry. I would help, but apparently there are at least 13 new categories of laundry that didn't exist when I was single. So, I'm banned from the laundry room.

DW whines about all the cooking she does. I'm all too happy to cook, but I get home 2 hours after her. Dinner would be delayed. Not OK with her.

DW hates paying the bills. It's 2016. I would do it, but I want to do it online. Not OK by her, so she writes the checks.

On the flip side, I don't think DW is worth a darn when it comes to yard work. She doesn't cut close enough to the trees, cuts at the wrong speed, and misses patches of grass. So, I try to keep her off the mower. What I DON'T do is whine about the fact that "nobody helps me" mow. That's by choice - just like many of the chores she puts on herself are her choice.

 

[Maliboo]

I think some of that "need for perfection" needs to be addressed. I think women tend to make a martyr of themselves often NOT because their manis incapable or unwilling to help, but rather because they put different priorities on things.

For example:
DW complains about having to make the kids' lunches. My solution isn't to do it for her, it's to have the kids (15 & 10) do it for themselves. Not OK by her. So, she does it.

DW complains about laundry. I would help, but apparently there are at least 13 new categories of laundry that didn't exist when I was single. So, I'm banned from the laundry room.

DW whines about all the cooking she does. I'm all too happy to cook, but I get home 2 hours after her. Dinner would be delayed. Not OK with her.

DW hates paying the bills. It's 2016. I would do it, but I want to do it online. Not OK by her, so she writes the checks.

On the flip side, I don't think DW is worth a darn when it comes to yard work. She doesn't cut close enough to the trees, cuts at the wrong speed, and misses patches of grass. So, I try to keep her off the mower. What I DON'T do is whine about the fact that "nobody helps me" mow. That's by choice - just like many of the chores she puts on herself are her choice.

 

[Christine]

I can sort of relate to your wife. Here's how I see it:

DW complains about having to make the kids' lunches. My solution isn't to do it for her, it's to have the kids (15 & 10) do it for themselves. Not OK by her. So, she does it. This is a smart solution; however, as "moms" we want our kids to have a well balanced lunch during the day. Often times, what my kids (teens) would do at that time is due to being in a hurry or lazy, they would fill their lunch with junk or they would just not make a lunch and either starve during the day or mooch of others. It didn't bother them, but it bothered me when it happened day after day. I felt like, as a parent, the least I could do is put together a decent lunch for them (and they did appreciate it). I often felt guilty for having them out of the house so early that I tried to make it up in other ways and good food is one way I could feel like I am caring for them. One working mother of 4 older children still makes their lunches every morning.

DW complains about laundry. I would help, but apparently there are at least 13 new categories of laundry that didn't exist when I was single. So, I'm banned from the laundry room. Well, with females, there are definitely 13 categories. Most of my clothing and my daughters is delicate wash, and no drying. Not only delicate wash but they have to be sorted by various colors and color fastness. My husband and son have "jeans" and "shirts." There might be two more sub categories under that. After my husband ruined several of my work blouses/tops and my daughter's "going out" pants, we have banned him from touching our clothes. So you either ruined something and she doesn't want to deal with it or she really is a martyr and you know how to sort 13 ways!

DW whines about all the cooking she does. I'm all too happy to cook, but I get home 2 hours after her. Dinner would be delayed. Not OK with her. I couldn't eat 2 hours later than I do either (unless she is eating at 4 and you were eating at 6). My husband gets home before me and I've *tried* to let him cook but he doesn't want to put any effort into it and after several nights of canned beans, canned corn, or whatever can he can find, yes, I get resentful that he can get online and figure out how to bake a sweet potato or sautee up some kale. But I don't complain at all anymore. It's just how it is. I don't do the yardwork at all either.


DW hates paying the bills. It's 2016. I would do it, but I want to do it online. Not OK by her, so she writes the checks. You win here!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I can sort of relate to your wife. Here's how I see it:

DW complains about having to make the kids' lunches. My solution isn't to do it for her, it's to have the kids (15 & 10) do it for themselves. Not OK by her. So, she does it. This is a smart solution; however, as "moms" we want our kids to have a well balanced lunch during the day. Often times, what my kids (teens) would do at that time is due to being in a hurry or lazy, they would fill their lunch with junk or they would just not make a lunch and either starve during the day or mooch of others. It didn't bother them, but it bothered me when it happened day after day. I felt like, as a parent, the least I could do is put together a decent lunch for them (and they did appreciate it). I often felt guilty for having them out of the house so early that I tried to make it up in other ways and good food is one way I could feel like I am caring for them. One working mother of 4 older children still makes their lunches every morning.

DW complains about laundry. I would help, but apparently there are at least 13 new categories of laundry that didn't exist when I was single. So, I'm banned from the laundry room. Well, with females, there are definitely 13 categories. Most of my clothing and my daughters is delicate wash, and no drying. Not only delicate wash but they have to be sorted by various colors and color fastness. My husband and son have "jeans" and "shirts." There might be two more sub categories under that. After my husband ruined several of my work blouses/tops and my daughter's "going out" pants, we have banned him from touching our clothes. So you either ruined something and she doesn't want to deal with it or she really is a martyr and you know how to sort 13 ways!

DW whines about all the cooking she does. I'm all too happy to cook, but I get home 2 hours after her. Dinner would be delayed. Not OK with her. I couldn't eat 2 hours later than I do either (unless she is eating at 4 and you were eating at 6). My husband gets home before me and I've *tried* to let him cook but he doesn't want to put any effort into it and after several nights of canned beans, canned corn, or whatever can he can find, yes, I get resentful that he can get online and figure out how to bake a sweet potato or sautee up some kale. But I don't complain at all anymore. It's just how it is. I don't do the yardwork at all either.


DW hates paying the bills. It's 2016. I would do it, but I want to do it online. Not OK by her, so she writes the checks. You win here!

You nailed it on the lunches - she's worried they'll not do it correctly. I'm more of the "that's their tough luck" mindset LOL.

On laundry, I swear blue, purple, green, and brown are NOT 4 distinct loads. Reds & whites? 2 loads. And though I've never ruined any item of hers, she's shrunk TONS of my stuff that I begged her not to put in the dryer

On the meals, they're usually waiting for me when I get home. If I had to cook, dinner would probably be delayed 30-60 minutes tops, but it would be delayed. And yes, she'd not be happy with some of my simpler dishes LOL

 

[Colleen27]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Where are those expectations coming from? You? Your family/upbringing? Your DH? His family/upbringing? The community you live in? The social circle you move in? Is it from a place that you value enough to conform with, or would you be better off telling those folks and their expectations to go to hell (internally/mentally)?

As a private school parent, I'm not as appalled/shocked by this as some other posters seem to be. There is certainly an expectation in that part of my social circle/community of Dad as the main breadwinner, Mom choosing flexibility over income, if she works at all, and taking the primary responsibility for the kids' needs. And I'm rather glad I didn't grow up with those expectations because I'm sure that makes it easier on me, mentally/emotionally, to choose not to live up to them. I've been a SAHM for a long time but never because I felt obligated to be, and when I decided to take my life in a different direction I did so without guilt. I'm even more glad DH didn't grow up with those expectations, because renegotiating the division of labor in our household in response to my changing schedule has been difficult enough with "only" 15 years of inertia and established habits to overcome.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

DH is getting a master's degree in library information sciences. So, he'll be looking for a librarian job.
He as a bachelor's in english, an associate in medical office management and an associate in medical transcription. When he graduates he will likely get a job in the low 50's range, but it will also likely require a move, as the jobs are not as plentiful as we need. In most mid to large sized cities I could find a job making my current pay (or close to it), or work an agency job that would pay similar. So it makes more sense for me to be flexible
Honestly, I never wanted to settle down here anyway, I'm looking forward to a move. Hopefully somewhere warmer.

I wanted to clear up a few things about our decision to homeschool. It is not meant to hide her away from the world or keep her from other people. In fact, even at this young age, I make a huge effort to let her be a kid. We attend co-op each week, which let's her learn what it's like to sit in a class room, among other kids, and listen to a teacher without a parent in the room. She takes dance classes. When she was younger we did gymboree classes. We go to story hour and we just finished a 5 week gardening /nature themed class through the University here in town. We have play dates and there is a birthday party every week it seems. I leave her in the gym daycare while I workout. She is completely comfortable in the care of others, and is a very friendly and social child. She has no problems in those areas, and I will continue to see that she is given ample opportunity to be a kid and fit in with kids.

We want to homeschool because frankly our local education choices are abysmal. I would rather do it ourselves. Kindergarten and first grade I should be able to work full time and provide her education. As she gets older, I'll have to drop down some, maybe just work very part time. I guess that's why I'm leaning towards making more money now, because sometime in the next few years I will not have as much ability to do so.

To the posters who say they are happier as single parents, I'm glad that works for you. DH isn't doing nothing at all, he works a full time job and spends a lot of time doing schoolwork. It isn't easy on any of us. He's almost done and then I think life will be easier for the family. Giving up on our marriage during such a stressful time seems a bit reactive, we are all muddling through right now and if things don't improve after graduation then we can maybe look into deeper issues. DD loves her dad and I think it's only fair to her that right now I stay put and try to make life as good as possible. Besides, I can't imagine sharing custody. I would be devastated to give her up every other weekend, and I know he would be heartbroken to lose out on seeing her everyday.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I think some of that "need for perfection" needs to be addressed. I think women tend to make a martyr of themselves often NOT because their manis incapable or unwilling to help, but rather because they put different priorities on things.

For example:
DW complains about having to make the kids' lunches. My solution isn't to do it for her, it's to have the kids (15 & 10) do it for themselves. Not OK by her. So, she does it. Well, that's on her then. My now 12 year old has been making his own lunches for school since he was 6. He didn't like how I made his sandwiches, so he did it himself. Gave him guidelines (one fruit, one veg--usually carrot sticks as he loves those, one sweet, one salty (chips or pretzels or goldfish) one or more sandwiches, one drink, and he went shopping with me to buy what he wanted. On the weekends, he cooks his own lunch, and sometimes ours as well; as well as dinner one night a week. His dinner night might be quesadillas, hamburgers, spaghetti or bbq chicken (he has those down pat), but he's shopping and cooking all by himself.

DW complains about laundry. I would help, but apparently there are at least 13 new categories of laundry that didn't exist when I was single. So, I'm banned from the laundry room. I'm so glad that I limit what we buy to make it easier to wash. Lights, darks, pants/jeans, towels/sheets. Easy enough for DH to handle. Anything I deem "not husband wash safe" gets put in a separate basket that I take care of; he can do any of the rest. Now that he's figured out all the buttons on the washer and dryer, anyways. LOL

DW whines about all the cooking she does. I'm all too happy to cook, but I get home 2 hours after her. Dinner would be delayed. Not OK with her. So take over cooking on your days off. Offer to do a crockpot meal set up in the morning. What about doing a big weekend cook, with freezing cooked meals for the week?

DW hates paying the bills. It's 2016. I would do it, but I want to do it online. Not OK by her, so she writes the checks. That's on her. If she's not willing to work with you, then she can do it herself. We get two actual paper bills in the mail now (DH's medicare supplemental insurance, and the water company). All the rest are via email. The only check I write is to the insurance company; I pay the rest online. It takes 15 minutes to do all my bill paying (DH gets paid once a month, so that's when I pay the bills).

On the flip side, I don't think DW is worth a darn when it comes to yard work. She doesn't cut close enough to the trees, cuts at the wrong speed, and misses patches of grass. So, I try to keep her off the mower. What I DON'T do is whine about the fact that "nobody helps me" mow. That's by choice - just like many of the chores she puts on herself are her choice. I really just don't get ANYONE who whines about what they have to do to maintain their household. Laundry, cooking, cleaning the toilet (although I'll admit to not being nice when the boys were missing the toilet regularly...now they have a bathroom they use, and clean themselves), yardwork....it all has to be done.

 

[piccolopat]

Here's what makes no sense to me. In thread 1, OP says the new job will increase her income $24K. In thread 3 she says she is making 4 times what her DH is today and that with the raise she will be making 5 times his salary. It sounds like she is making about $100K now and that will increase to $125 K, with him now making $25K. I really don't think it is realistic to expect his salary to suddenly jump after graduation so he makes more than OP. In thread 62 she says he'll make more either by getting a better job or working 2 jobs. Again, is this realistic? Will he really work 2 jobs and make what she is making with 1 or will he still be far behind her in terms of salary. Not to mention how it sounds like he may not want to work two jobs if it cuts into his personal time.

OP, I feel bad for you. You say you don't want to support him forever, but with the information you have provided so far, I don't see how that will change anytime soon. There's nothing wrong with a woman supporting the family. Many of us do for various reasons. I think the difference is how much our spouses are willing to share the burden of running a household and raising children. Notice that I didn't say "help with". It is just as much his responsibility as yours. If he won't do his fair share, start by telling him that you will have to hire people to clean the house. Then move on to the daycare issue when you are ready. Don't turn the job down because he is being selfish. If you like the way things are today, fine, but it doesn't sound like the status quo works for you anymore.

 

[piccolopat]

DH is getting a master's degree in library information sciences. So, he'll be looking for a librarian job.
He as a bachelor's in english, an associate in medical office management and an associate in medical transcription. When he graduates he will likely get a job in the low 50's range, but it will also likely require a move, as the jobs are not as plentiful as we need.

Does that mean you will lose any childcare that your MIL is providing? What then?

 

[Happyinwonerland]

He won't make what I make right away, maybe never, but he will make enough to where I can drop back some. Currently we are using my income to pay the bills, plus tuition, plus my school loans, plus about $10k of medical debt that I incurred. So when all that's gone, and he's making a bit more, some of the pressure will be off. I will never be able to be a 100%SAHM, but I could work less than I do now.

 

[piccolopat]

We want to homeschool because frankly our local education choices are abysmal.

If you have to move, look for a place where the public schools are good. This way you could take one thing off your plate (unless the bad schools are not the real reason you want to homeschool).

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Does that mean you will lose any childcare that your MIL is providing? What then?

Then we'll hire a nanny or I'll just work on weekends or whenever he's off.

 

[stalker]

DH is getting a master's degree in library information sciences. So, he'll be looking for a librarian job.
He as a bachelor's in english, an associate in medical office management and an associate in medical transcription. When he graduates he will likely get a job in the low 50's range, but it will also likely require a move, as the jobs are not as plentiful as we need. In most mid to large sized cities I could find a job making my current pay (or close to it), or work an agency job that would pay similar. So it makes more sense for me to be flexible
Honestly, I never wanted to settle down here anyway, I'm looking forward to a move. Hopefully somewhere warmer.

You have a perpetual student as a husband. Obviously the medical transcription jobs didn't materialize, since doctor offices are phasing those out. Library science degrees are also being phased out (http://www.bls.gov/ooh/education-training-and-library/librarians.htm). 2% job growth, which is lower than most other degrees. Mostly due to the internet and people being able to do their own research without the help of a librarian. I'm sure once he can't find a librarian job he will be back at school. Good luck OP.

 

[piccolopat]

Then we'll hire a nanny or I'll just work on weekends or whenever he's off.

You might consider that now so you can take the new job. It might be less of a transition if she gets used to a nanny or daycare now than to compound that with a move to another place and loss of your MIL's help.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

You have a perpetual student as a husband. Obviously the medical transcription jobs didn't materialize, since doctor offices are phasing those out. Library science degrees are also being phased out (http://www.bls.gov/ooh/education-training-and-library/librarians.htm). 2% job growth, which is lower than most other degrees. Mostly due to the internet and people being able to do their own research without the help of a librarian. I'm sure once he can't find a librarian job he will be back at school. Good luck OP.

Librarians do much more than just research. His degree may not get him the typical librarian job, but with his degrees and experience he should be well qualified to work as a medical or university librarian. Part of his education includes building and maintaining websites and databases. So I feel confident he'll find something. The 2 associates degrees he earned while working for a Univeristy, and he earned them after he already as a bachelor's. They paid for his classes as part of his employee benefits, so he decided to take those classes. I wish he had decided to take grad classes at that point and get them paid for, but what's done is done.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Wow, a lot going on here!

To answer the initial question, I work part time, and don't feel "held back" at all. I actually feel blessed to have the flexibility I do. - I know I only have it because my DH makes enough for us to be happy on, and my job is "extra". Because I work fewer hours (and because his job requires travel) I do take on more at home. But that's a decision we arrived at together. I could have stayed in a less flexible industry, and he could have stopped at the level before travel, and we would have split some tasks and outsourced others. Instead, I backed off from that track (as a SAHM for a while, then into a job I love) and our family's overall stress level is much lower because of it.

In your situation, I think I would take the job. It's only for six months, so you can always "course-correct" after that if it doesn't work out. It will either be a great adventure or a learning experience, but either way, it's temporary. I do think you need to talk things out with your DH, though. As you can see from my situation, I have nothing against not splitting every category 50/50, but the totals should work out! You should not be responsibility for more than half in everything (earnings, parenting, housework). It really sounds to me like you're being taken advantage of here.