why do men leave

[RitaZ.]

About the sex issue, I have read some articles discussing the fact that some women lead sexless lives because their husbands are no longer interested. I think intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship. There is no doubt that under the right circumstances, it really brings a couple together emotionally. Of course, if there is a medical problem that interferes with the desire or act, that's a whole different subject.

I really believe in "using it or losing it".

 

[WIcruizer]

You're making a big assumption here that themen in the scenario are staying the young, buff, virile stud muffins that they were when they first got married.

Bottom line...if you're married to someone long enough, both people change physically. Men as well as women get heavier, lose their hair, get that middle aged spare tire. The key is to marry someone who is not so superficial as to leave when he's not getting nookie 4 nights a week.

The key is to marry someone with integrity, who understands the meaning and value of commitment.

And quite frankly, in my experience, men like that are hard to find. I was forutnate. I found one. But I look at the men I encounter in my day-to-day life, and most of them are snaking around, looking to see where they can score and how they can keep their girlfriend/fiance/wife from finding out.

Integrity is in short supply in this day and age, as is an understanding of commitment. Everybody's doing what feels fgood for thme at that moment, with no thought to the future. Many of them end up learning a very hard lesson. And making their children victims of their shortsightedness.

I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or not? I'm not making a big assumption about what the men look like. They could be bald with big beer guts, that's not the point. They don't care how THEY look, they care how their wife looks.

You mention men with integrity and commitment are hard to find, which proves my point exactly. Many men don't have integrity, and that's why they leave for the reasons you describe.

I think you and others are mistaking what I'm saying about men is what I think they should be doing. Those are two very different things.

 

[WIcruizer]

If I am fat BUT I enjoy sex and don't refuse, will that decrease my chances of DH leaving me?

It depends. If you were always heavy, obviously it wouldn't be a problem for him. But if he does have a problem with your weight, it could lead to problems. But if he still wants sex alot, it would tell me he still finds you very attractive.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

It depends. If you were always heavy, obviously it wouldn't be a problem for him. But if he does have a problem with your weight, it could lead to problems. But if he still wants sex alot, it would tell me he still finds you very attractive.

You know, I think that leads back to the integrity issue. I mean, I've never been the Paris Hilton type but I do weigh more than when we met. I think that is a function of a variety of factors, some of my own doing, yes. Other factors are related to experiences that we have gone through - together - such as illness and the results of necessary medication and the birth of our children. I am fortunate - or perhaps I don't know the truth yet, but I doubt it - that my DH understands this and realizes that reality intrudes upon whatever fantasy he may wish shared the bed with him.


I wonder how many of these relationships were initially driven by appearances only. We were attracted to each other physically, yes, but there was there were other important factors as well, such as comprise, personality, compatibility, forgiveness, appreciation, expectations, etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or not? I'm not making a big assumption about what the men look like. They could be bald with big beer guts, that's not the point. They don't care how THEY look, they care how their wife looks.

You mention men with integrity and commitment are hard to find, which proves my point exactly. Many men don't have integrity, and that's why they leave for the reasons you describe.

I think you and others are mistaking what I'm saying about men is what I think they should be doing. Those are two very different things.

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing...I am merely stating that I find men who think the way you describe nervy, because chances are none of them look like they did when they first married either, and they have one helluva nerve complaining that their wives are no longer as physically attractive, since they probably aren't either.

I understand that you do not think that is what men should be doing, but that you are pointing out information oyu have heard from men who have left their wives, and their reasons, however shallow, for leaving.

I have to be very honest...if a man ever said to me "I am leaving you because you have gained some weight in the 20 years we have been married and we don't have sex as often" I'd send him a thank you card for freeing me from such an unbelieveable jerk!

 

[cardaway]

I'm not sure if you're agreeing with me or not? I'm not making a big assumption about what the men look like. They could be bald with big beer guts, that's not the point. They don't care how THEY look, they care how their wife looks.

You mention men with integrity and commitment are hard to find, which proves my point exactly. Many men don't have integrity, and that's why they leave for the reasons you describe.

I think you and others are mistaking what I'm saying about men is what I think they should be doing. Those are two very different things.

I am going to have to agree with what WIcruizer has been saying on this thread. Search out and find out what men, especially successful young men are saying and writing, and you'll see WI is right.

Like WI I don't feel this is the way it should be, just passing along the info.

When it comes to men with average looks leaving for more attractive women... they look, and succeed, because many attractive women out there are attracted to money and power, not looks.

And WIcruizer, Tom Leykis is a radio personality. One that talks about what you posted all the time. Do a search. No way could I link to his site here.

The guys who call into his show back up everything WI said. The show is very popular (#1 in almost everywhere it's broadcast) which means at least in some areas, what he saying is true a good percentage of the time for his target demographic (young males).

What I posted earlier about men and divorce is a major factor as well. Word is getting around that there is no point to trying to stick it out if you're unhappy. Better to just cut, go, and get the ball rolling so you can move on. The end result is the same for the man when it comes to divorce.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Do you think couples should just stay together for the sake of children and family? Is that something to show your children? That even though you aren't happy, you are sacrifing for them so when they are older and happier the parent has nothing besides what could have been?

I think in marriage you have to look at the big picture. DH and I raised 3 kids who are all in college now. There were alot of rough spots along the way. There were times when I hated him and times when it was reverse. But even though I hated him I loved him and I had a commitment. Now the kids are very independent. We have a good life. We're still young, in a couple years money will not really be much of an issue. We'll be able to travel, spend time with other couples, etc. Alot of the rockiness just comes from having kids. It's not the kids, it's just that there is only so much energy, money, time, patience, etc to go around. You have to be able to see past that hump to the good stuff. Now we look around at 3 great kids. One day maybe there will be grand kids. We have great couple times and family times. But if I had told you some of the rough times folks would say why did you stick it out. When guys leave it's because they are being selfish, sorry it just usually is. They want everything great when nobody is perfect. They can't see that one of the reasons for marriage is the protection of the kids, the passing on of legacies, the strength of a family that comes from two people holding everything together around them. When you walk away from that there are things lost that can never be gotten back.
Again, I truly understand reasons for divorce. There are people who should never be together. I'm referencing the folks who one day just say, I quit. I want the greener grass.

 

[Planogirl]

I think in marriage you have to look at the big picture. DH and I raised 3 kids who are all in college now. There were alot of rough spots along the way. There were times when I hated him and times when it was reverse. But even though I hated him I loved him and I had a commitment. Now the kids are very independent. We have a good life. We're still young, in a couple years money will not really be much of an issue. We'll be able to travel, spend time with other couples, etc. Alot of the rockiness just comes from having kids. It's not the kids, it's just that there is only so much energy, money, time, patience, etc to go around. You have to be able to see past that hump to the good stuff. Now we look around at 3 great kids. One day maybe there will be grand kids. We have great couple times and family times. But if I had told you some of the rough times folks would say why did you stick it out. When guys leave it's because they are being selfish, sorry it just usually is. They want everything great when nobody is perfect. They can't see that one of the reasons for marriage is the protection of the kids, the passing on of legacies, the strength of a family that comes from two people holding everything together around them. When you walk away from that there are things lost that can never be gotten back.
Again, I truly understand reasons for divorce. There are people who should never be together. I'm referencing the folks who one day just say, I quit. I want the greener grass.

What you say about hating someone and then loving them is interesting. I've always felt that you can feel the two emotions for the same person and it's disconcerting to say the least.

I think that the overall theme here is that people have to be willing to fight for their marriages. Whether it's money problems or the spouse(s) getting less attractive for some reason or whatever, both of you have to work and work hard to keep things going. Otherwise, it's likely just a lost cause.

 

[WIcruizer]

When it comes to men with average looks leaving for more attractive women... they look, and succeed, because many attractive women out there are attracted to money and power, not looks.

Yes, I think if we look around and are honest about it this is true. Before someone brings it up, of course it is not ALWAYS true.

I have to be very honest...if a man ever said to me "I am leaving you because you have gained some weight in the 20 years we have been married and we don't have sex as often" I'd send him a thank you card for freeing me from such an unbelieveable jerk!

I agre, and it would be the right reaction. With that said, I'll ask everyone this. Is it rational at all for a man to leave if his wife really lets herself go? Or for that matter, vice versa. Does that make that personany less of a jerk, and/or does the person who let themselves go share in the blame for the marriage ending? As always there are other reasons, but for the sake of discussion is this a legitimate reason for leaving?

 

[novajeanjellybean]

What about how the kids feel? I dont know if I'll ever feel they same way about my dad as I did before my parents broke up. They are back together but theres alot of pain from that. Men miss out on so much when they leave (so do women). AAAAAAHHHHH why dont they think about that?

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, why do people leave a marriage (not counting abuse and extreme sitations)?

Because they haven't learned:

-to marry someone with the same values and goals in the first place
-to motivate, rather than criticize
-to discuss, rather than vent
-to give without expectations
-to be patient, rather than expecting immediate gratification
-to listen without defensiveness...to actually hear what the other person is saying
-to consider, before reacting
-to be loyal, rather than 'for better or if better looks my way'
-to walk away if you cannot control your anger or need to gather your thoughts
-to be a partner, rather than parent
-to be the rock when the other is not so strong
-to work hard, even when you feel unmotivated
-to accept the human being in their spouse, without condemnation or ridicule
-to continue to laugh together, to cry together, to be intimate together
-to flirt wth each other, rather than with other "more fun" or exciting people
-to continue to look for the positive in their spouse, rather than focus on their faults
-that it is not all about you...and it never really should be
-that you can only control your own actions and you shouldn't want to control anyone else
-that for every thing you can list that they do 'wrong', they have one for you too...and it is equally as valid as your complaint
-that it takes two to make it and two to blow it
-that replacing your spouse will usually lead to the same situation, just with a different face to wake up to. Especially if you are foolish enough to think you were not a part of the reason your marriage failed.
-that your bedroom activity is rarely going to resemble anything remotely like what you read in a romance novel or see in a porn video....get over it.

To stay together, even when it is rough, even when they suck...even when you are 'done'...to give it one more shot because it really, really does matter.

It really isn't a male/female thing...anyone can fail. It takes very little effort at all.

 

[Texan Mouseketeer]

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Wow, Texan. Thank you for being so candid. Perhaps he will mature and appreciate you more. Hang in there.

 

[Planogirl]

Wendy, don't let your husband get to you. He says that you are too big in one place and too small elsewhere? Now, how in the world can you deal with that?

I think that sometimes expectations are way out of line as this case clearly illustrates. There's just no way to satisfy such requirements and frankly I believe that there's more going on here than just the looks thing.

Poohandwendy, your list is interesting. It all sounds really good too but doesn't always work.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

I'm sorry if I offend anyone on here who has done this, but there's a special kind of rottenness inside of a mother who can walk out her kids. They are so much more vile than a man who does. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's right for a man to do so! But I think it's more wrong for a woman to do it.

Tiggeroo, I don't get it either. I know my husband is fully capable of it himself, because he walked out on us back in 1999 -- just quit his job, walked out of the house, and left us high and dry. He moved 1000 miles away. DD was 3 when it happened and she'd get on the phone with him afterwards begging him to come home. He'd get MAD about it, thinking I was putting her up to it.

Long story short, we're back together -- he'd had a complete mental breakdown but everything is so much better than before. I wasn't blameless in our separation, but if the shoe had been on the other foot, nothing in this world could have compelled me to leave my babies!

I agree, how can you be a mom and walk out on your kids!
i would never leave my boys for anything !! if DH and I split I would fight tooth and nail if i had to, to keep my boys

 

[2funny2c]

I dont think anyone should take the advice of someone like Tom Leykis

Look at what he believes, he is the one that outed Kobe's accuser.

His Leykis 101 curriculum teaches men about women. He suggests that a man should never spend more than $40 on a date. If he has not gone to bed with a woman by the third date then he should drop dating her. What about true love? How about some fun that costs more than $40 such as going to a concert?

One of the most controversial issues of Leykis has been the issue of rape. He believes the victim’s name should be put in the paper as well as the criminal. Most rape victims do not want their names in the paper. Leykis believes putting the victim’s name in the paper would reduce the number of women who blame men for rape. Many women are outraged by his beliefs about telling the victims name in newspapers or on news reports. They call him a “shock jock.” Many believe his reactions to rape victims are not in taste and unethical.

Leykis is just another liberal shock jock. Far from being soome relationship expert.

Its quite simple, men leave in most cases because they are selfish. That is why the divorce rate is so high because people only think about themselves and focus too much on what they think will make them happy. We are not guarenteed happiness in our marriages. If you judge your marriage upon your happiness level then you are in serious trouble. Marriage can be a grind. I have been married for 17 years now and what keeps us going is our love for one another through the ups and downs of life. We dont base our marriage on making each other "happy". Happiness as with any other emotion is fleeting. We have joy in our marriage that comes from placing God as the number one priority in our marriage.

People buy that lie that its all about them. Do whatever makes you happy. If that chasing happiness leaves a wife and kids in your wake then its their problem, not yours. How sad.

 

[cardaway]

I didn't link to or paste anything from Tom's site because I think it's offensive and I don't agree with him.

Good work 2funny2c, how nice of you to share.

 

[OhMari]

Yes and no. I think a couple should show their children they have tried everything to make it work. And IMHO, many couples do not honestly try everything to stay together. ONe or the other (or both) are too immature to admit to themselves nobody is perfect, and no relationship is perfect.

This is so true. A couple just came in this week and told the teachers and the principal that they are divorcing. They told their kids the night before. They got married young and had 4 children right away. She loved the baby part of it, but now that the kids are older 5-8th grade, she doesn't want to deal with the kids anymore. She wants the single life, going out to bars with the girls. Her husband said, "good ridance" he has been raising the kids alone now for a couple years-and he had enough. (The teachers couldn't believe she admitted all this).

 

[Tiggeroo]

This is so true. A couple just came in this week and told the teachers and the principal that they are divorcing. They told their kids the night before. They got married young and had 4 children right away. She loved the baby part of it, but now that the kids are older 5-8th grade, she doesn't want to deal with the kids anymore. She wants the single life, going out to bars with the girls. Her husband said, "good ridance" he has been raising the kids alone now for a couple years-and he had enough. (The teachers couldn't believe she admitted all this).

That is beyond sad. My sister is part of a remarriage of his hers and theirs. They are raising 3 of his kids. Their mother has nothing at all to do with those kids and hasn't in years. The few kids I know whose mothers have left really have issues. I know it seems unfair but I think if your mother leaves you feel even worst then if your father leaves. Your mother is supposed to love you and put you first no matter what. Imagine thinking even my mother doesn't love me. That's the kind of leaving i'm talking about. Where instead of addressing your own issues you run away. I married and had kids young. I had my fun raising them while young. We played together and still do. I wouldn't recommend it but you make the best of your decisions.

 

[Planogirl]

People are often unbelievably selfish but there are the cases where it just simply doesn't work. I don't think that breakups are always due to not trying hard enough or being self-centered. Even if they usually are.