Who's Being Unreasonable?

[Mimi1965]

Yes, this is what I would say. I have a hard time leaving my husband behind for any trip, but a holiday trip would be absolutely out of the question. I just wouldn't do that to him.

Me either-no way I'd do this to my husband-HE is my priority-not my family

 

[goofy4tink]

Thank you to those of you who offered some helpful advice.

If you've never worked a nightshift before or had a family member that did, it's hard to appreciate just wanting to sleep, whether it's Xmas or not! I used to work nights, and DH has done shiftwork as long as we've been married, so I know what works for us. If he is off, he comes along with us, but of there are holidays when the kids are off school and he is working, we've gone out of town without him, so it's not like this is something new for us. It works for our family, and he has never had an issue with it, so I know that's not the deal now.

So back to the original issue about leaving the country...I think I'll suggest the passport to him. At least he would be able to get to the Bahamas quickly if he needed to.

Thanks again for the help

If it is the need to get to you quickly, and this would be my dh as well, then it is easily resolved. It sounds as though that may very well be his only issue. I mean, you've posted that he doesn't mind if you all are away from him at this time. It would seem the many people are having a hard time with that thought process.....but I have to say that there are some families out there that do not have to be together 24/7. There are some dads that don't mind if their wives take the kids away for a getaway. I know my dh was thrilled that I was able to take our dd to London 2 years ago. She was 'only' 15 then...he wasn't worried about anything happening, but then again his passport was current.
Perhaps we should take the OP at face value...she should be able to decide if her dh is upset about her leaving without him or if it's just a passport issue.

The other thing...and this is directed to the OP....what is your dh worried about??? Going on a cruise, to the Bahamas isn't what I would consider to be 'going overseas'...now if you were talking about going to Turkey, then perhaps I could understand his hesitancy. I would assume that you will be watching the kids the same on a cruise as you would at a resort in the continental US...the kids aren't going to be running around, on their own, falling into pools or getting lost. I would imagine that they will be fine.

Here's hoping your talk with your dh is a good one..and you can reach some kind of compromise.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think you are being unreasonable. I also think it shouldn't matter what your family thinks. It is none of their business. The reason I think you are unresonable is that even if my kids saw me or my DH for an hour on Christmas it would be important to all of us. I have worked nights and so did my DH so we know what it does to your body. We understand the exhaustion. However, we also know our kids are young now and we are not going to miss stuff if we don't have to. So maybe Dad will only be awake for an hour in the morning. That is still time for him to enjoy them opening presents etc. Maybe he will eat dinner with them before he leaves for the night. That will be more time with them. This is imo much different than taking the kids away when they have spring break and he is working. I personally think he doesn't want to tell you all this so he is making up the excuse about being overseas.

 

[mjkacmom]

My DH wouldn't have a problem either. Nor would I have a problem with him taking my DD. But that's the point. The OP's DH *does* have a problem and his opinion and feelings should count the same as the OP's. They share custody and responsibility for the children equally.

But he is being irrational. Let's say he refused to let her take the kids to the movies, because he's not there - rational? If he renews his passport, he can fly to the Bahamas, just like he could fly elsewhere. I, too, have irrational fears, that I know I need to work through (I'm afraid of flying, yet have put dd14 on a plane by herself several times). I wouldn't deprive my kids or spouse a cruise over my issues.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think you are being unreasonable. I also think it shouldn't matter what your family thinks. It is none of their business. The reason I think you are unresonable is that even if my kids saw me or my DH for an hour on Christmas it would be important to all of us. I have worked nights and so did my DH so we know what it does to your body. We understand the exhaustion. However, we also know our kids are young now and we are not going to miss stuff if we don't have to. So maybe Dad will only be awake for an hour in the morning. That is still time for him to enjoy them opening presents etc. Maybe he will eat dinner with them before he leaves for the night. That will be more time with them. This is imo much different than taking the kids away when they have spring break and he is working. I personally think he doesn't want to tell you all this so he is making up the excuse about being overseas.

And you know the OP's DH better than she does? Celebrating Christmas on the actual day is important to YOUR family. Is it important to EVERY family? No. I know my DH pretty well (and for over 30 years). He's be fine with us going away if we were in the OP's situation.

 

[HLAuburn]

Oh, please . If you didn't want people to post differing opinions then why did you ask at all?

I'll say it again...I never asked for opinions on taking the kids away from their dad on Xmas. That isn't an issue with me or with my husband (or the kids). What I DID ask about was my husband's concerns about taking them overseas. I'm all for "differing opinions" since I really am trying to see DHs point of view. There have been a lot of responses on here "siding" with DH, and I really appreciate those points of view a lot - and said so many times!

The other thing...and this is directed to the OP....what is your dh worried about??? Going on a cruise, to the Bahamas isn't what I would consider to be 'going overseas'...now if you were talking about going to Turkey, then perhaps I could understand his hesitancy. I would assume that you will be watching the kids the same on a cruise as you would at a resort in the continental US...the kids aren't going to be running around, on their own, falling into pools or getting lost. I would imagine that they will be fine.

Here's hoping your talk with your dh is a good one..and you can reach some kind of compromise.

I agree that taking the kids on a cruise to the Bahamas for 2 days isn't exactly taking them to China for 2 weeks. Of course, both are techincally out of the country, but it's not comparing apples to apples, IMO.

 

[design_mom]

If your husband's *real* problem is that his passport is expired, then that's easily remedied. If you offer to help him renew his passport and he still has a problem with the trip, then I think there's obviously something else bothering him.

Personally, I'd be uncomfortable taking little kids on a cruise and I'd be even more uncomfortable if they were going without me (even if they were with DH.) I know thousands of kids cruise happily every year, but I'd have an irrational fear that they'd fall overboard or would need more medical attention than could be found on a boat, etc. I've taken cruises in the past and enjoyed them. Someday, we'll take the kids, but I'd rather DH take them on a "land" vacation if he was going without me.

I would find it really frustrating if DH didn't tell me the *real* reason that he had a problem with the trip. But if we got down to the "real reason," I would respect his wishes, even if I thought it was irrational. And I think he'd do the same for me.

 

[mjkacmom]

is a recipe for marital ******* at the least and eventual divorce at the most.

Choose wisely.

OP, be very careful - you don't want to ruin your marriage over a disagreement with your DH! OMG, give me a break! And heck, I love and trust my DH enough to take OUR children out of the country. I wouldn't be married to someone I wouldn't trust to do that.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

And you know the OP's DH better than she does? Celebrating Christmas on the actual day is important to YOUR family. Is it important to EVERY family? No. I know my DH pretty well (and for over 30 years). He's be fine with us going away if we were in the OP's situation.

Why are you being so nasty? The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine based on what she posted. I never said I knew the OP's dh at all. I don't know where you got that from. Again- I don't get your nastiness.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'll say it again...I never asked for opinions on taking the kids away from their dad on Xmas. That isn't an issue with me or with my husband (or the kids). What I DID ask about was my husband's concerns about taking them overseas. I'm all for "differing opinions" since I really am trying to see DHs point of view. There have been a lot of responses on here "siding" with DH, and I really appreciate those points of view a lot - and said so many times!



My point (before I got a nasty response from another poster) was that maybe he isn't concerned really so much about the overseas thing but doesn't know how to tell you. Maybe he really doesn't want you to go away for Christmas but doesn't want to say it. Maybe it wasn't an issue but maybe now it is and he doesn't want to go back on it. Sometimes it is hard to admit what you really want for whatever reason. Perhaps it is something to bring up with him.

I agree that taking the kids on a cruise to the Bahamas for 2 days isn't exactly taking them to China for 2 weeks. Of course, both are techincally out of the country, but it's not comparing apples to apples, IMO.

I agree. Maybe there is more to it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

But he is being irrational. Let's say he refused to let her take the kids to the movies, because he's not there - rational? If he renews his passport, he can fly to the Bahamas, just like he could fly elsewhere. I, too, have irrational fears, that I know I need to work through (I'm afraid of flying, yet have put dd14 on a plane by herself several times). I wouldn't deprive my kids or spouse a cruise over my issues.

His feelings are his feelings. You think they are irrational but clearly he doesn't. That doesn't mean they should be discounted.

 

[NAB]

You say it isn't the Christmas thing. My hubby works the same kind of thing and would be heart broken not so see the kids Christmas morning after Santa came. Your kids are young. Won't have that forever. Even if it is just for an hour or so.

Is your husband the worrying type. He could be like me. I am that type, if he isn't home in the morning when he should be I think car accident , accident at work etc. So being on a ship might scare him because like you said you on the seas. Maybe you can question him some more to see if that is the only reason.

 

[jrmasm]

I agree. Maybe there is more to it.

I agree too. If he already has a passport, I have to imagine that he knows is can be renewed. Is he concerned that there isn't enough time to get it done? Or maybe he simply doesn't feel comfortable with you taking the kids out of the country. Obviously you don't understand that feeling and neither do I but that doesn't make our feelings more valid than his.


I'd like to comment on the Xmas aspect but I gather from prior posts that we're not allowed.

 

[robinb]

But he is being irrational. Let's say he refused to let her take the kids to the movies, because he's not there - rational?

Apple and oranges. Taking your kid to the movies and taking your kid to another country are completely different.

 

[Hannathy]

And you know the OP's DH better than she does? Celebrating Christmas on the actual day is important to YOUR family. Is it important to EVERY family? No. I know my DH pretty well (and for over 30 years). He's be fine with us going away if we were in the OP's situation.

Yep mine to! In fact we have been apart on Christmas and surprise it didn't ruin our marriage. I agree with you.

I also agree with whoever said if they didn't trust their DH to take the kids out of the country they wouldn't have kids with them.

 

[HLAuburn]

I'd like to comment on the Xmas aspect but I gather from prior posts that we're not allowed.

Ha ha! Not "not allowed", just unnecessary! Celebrating holidays are a personal thing, and in this situation, whether we spend the 22nd celebrating with him or the 25th, it won't matter to any of us.

In case this sheds a little light...my birthday is Dec 24th. DH knows my birthday is on Xmas Eve, but if you ask him the date, he has to think about it. So obviously he doesn't know that Christmas is the 25th! He's not real "sentimental" about the holidays.

 

[pixiewings71]

Ummm my kids aren't my DBF's by blood but I would not even consider being apart on Christmas....even if he didn't care about the actual holiday there's just no way I would do that......it's Christmas, immediate families should be together.

 

[Magpie]

Op - dunno if your DH is anything like mine, but with mine I find that throwing the ball back into his court often makes him stop and think more rationally.

For instance: DH says, "No WAY is my 14yo daughter going to the UK with her grandma!"

I say, "Well, obviously she isn't going if you say she can't. But here's why I think it would be a good idea..." I list a few things.

"I don't like it!"

"I know you don't. Whether she goes or not is entirely up to you. You know I'm in favour of the trip, and you know your daughter wants to go, too. But nothing's happening without your okay."

"Well... let me think about it." Next day. "Okay, she can go. But I want to talk to her every night!"

My husband doesn't like having his pack split up. He's kind of like a sheepdog that way. But when I make it clear that he has a share of the power and some amount of control, he often voluntarily comes around to doing things the way I want.

Besides, when it comes right down to it OP, you NEED your husband's blessing on this trip. He shares custody with you, and your kids can't go on the cruise without his permission. With my husband, trying to tell him he's being "irrational" or "illogical" just makes him dig his heels in and defend his position. When I back off, that's when he's willing to reevaluate his stance on the issue.

Good luck! There's nothing wrong with saying, "I would really like to do this, but I respect your right to say no and I'll still love you, either way."

 

[jrmasm]

Ha ha! Not "not allowed", just unnecessary! Celebrating holidays are a personal thing, and in this situation, whether we spend the 22nd celebrating with him or the 25th, it won't matter to any of us.

In case this sheds a little light...my birthday is Dec 24th. DH knows my birthday is on Xmas Eve, but if you ask him the date, he has to think about it. So obviously he doesn't know that Christmas is the 25th! He's not real "sentimental" about the holidays.

So then what do you think the issue is? You don't really think he doesn't realize his passport can be renewed do you?

 

[Wendy31]

I just had to jump in w/ my 2 cents too!

My DH also works rotating shifts. Sometimes, he works Christmas, &, sometimes, he has Christmas off.

While DH would like to see our children on Christmas, he also doesn't expect us to sit at home either. (As an aside, usually, when he has to work on Christmas, we pick his off day that is closest to Christmas, & that day becomes our "family" Christmas.)

Anyway, in the OP's situation, I think my DH would have a problem w/ us cruising to the Bahamas over Christmas for 2 main reasons:

1) like the OP's husband, he would be worried about not being able to reach us easily should he need to, and

2) we've never been to the Bahamas, so I think he would want to experience it w/ our children since it would be their first time.

OP, could #2 also be a factor for your DH? W/ my DH, although he would miss us, he would have no problem w/ us going to the beach or even Disney World (although he would REALLY hate to miss Disney!) because he's been there w/ us before & got to experience the kids' first trips to these places. However, since the kids have never been to the Bahamas, I think he would want to be with us, if that makes sense.

And, I do have to say that, even though I know my DH wouldn't have a problem w/ us traveling over a holiday if he had to work, I would have such a hard time going w/o him... I'm not sure I could do it. Like others have said, spring break, Labor Day, etc. - maybe. Christmas - I just don't know.