Where do you draw the line?

[Tiggernut_jadie]

My Dh and I lived together for nearly 8 years before we got married - I referred to him as 'my other half' at that time...most of the time I STILL refer to him as that.

If I (or he) had been invited to a function where only 'married' people were allowed to bring their partner then we would have declined the invitation. 8 years is NOT any 'tom dick or harry' as someone so eloquently put it!

Rick - there really are some completely obnoxious people out there - no wonder this one is no longer a 'friend'!

 

[TeresaNJ]

Making the wedding list is one of the most stressful parts of the planning. (just wait until she tries the seating chart). Most people plan in "circles". Immediate family is a circle, then extended family, close friends, etc. To be "fair" you have to include everyone in that ring of the circle, not just pick and choose. Expanding it out to include you and your children (whom she probably wants there) means including your brother and his family as well. Smae with S.O./dates. Including a S.O. for one usually means including them for all. That can be a substantial increase in guests. Keep in mind that this is not always only about budget, but about space. Also, you don't know the circumstances regarding that "circle". By opening it up to include your daughters boyfriend, where is the next line? How many people get added? Since it's your daughter, it's easy to think "it's just one person", but the line has been moved, which in my recent experience usually translates to an additional 10-15 people minimum, not just him.

Be patient with the bride. The stress she's under is probably unlike anything she's ever experienced. Every bride and groom need to cut their list somewhere and all risk offending someone to do it. Cutting it at fiancees/spouses is fairly common.

I know, that's why I'm venting it here. She really is a sweet girl, and I really do love her parents. I just wish she would have not invited my kids at all. I think that is easier to understand than to tell someone that they can't bring the person that they love, and also live with, to the wedding.

 

[janets]

I always have mixed feelings on this.

I understand how difficult it can be to attend a function like a wedding without an escort. Especially if everyone else there is couples. But I don't think every single invitation should include "and guest" for every adult over a certain age.

In these parts, weddings (and bar/bat mitzvahs) are expensive. If you're having an upscale wedding, per person prices can be over $100. To invite each adult with a guest (if that person is not in a long term relationship with the invited guest) could add significant money to your bill, especially if you're inviting a lot of younger people. And then you end up with a lot of people you don't know at your wedding.

When dh and I got married, his brother was not dating anyone. And I mean anyone. But dh said we had to invite him with a guest. Who the heck was he going to invite? He didn't have a girlfriend, wasn't dating anyone. But dh didn't want him sitting alone. Even when he wasn't going to be since he knew all of dh's friends for years and was going to be sitting at a table with them.

So he got to invite a guest. Some girl he knew and dated casually about 5 years before. I didn't know her, never met her, never saw her again. So there was this stranger at my wedding and in my pictures. Did it break the bank? No. Did I like it? No again. If he had been dating someone for a time, I would have been fine with it. But to invite him to bring a stranger to my wedding, I didn't care for.

As for wedding invites, if you live w/ mom and dad, invite goes to their house. If child lives on their own, invite goes to their address. If they are living with someone or dating someone for a significant period of time (even if not engaged), that person gets invited. If they have no special person, then I think they have to deal with either coming alone or they decline. It's certainly their right not to come if they think they are going to be uncomfortable.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Hey Neighbor,
NEVER, EVER try to figure out wedding plans and funeral plans. They will drive you crazy. One man's tacky is another man's high society. I think your first response was best. "Thanks for the invite but I won't be able to accept without my significant other".
I always say, it's your day-you have the right to do what you want, while I have the right to graciously decline.

Hello there I don't know if they will understand if my daughter chooses not to go to the wedding, I hope they do. I mean, she may go without her sig other, who knows. I know I wouldn't go, but that's me. I'm not going to influence her one way or the other though, as hard as that may be. It's going to take all my will power to keep my mouth and opinion shut about it.

 

[nuke]

An adult, yes that's anyone out of high school or over the age of 18, should receive their own invitation and should also have a guest invited.
Sure a bride can do what they want but that doesn't make it right.

 

[Stella3]

The other thing too, and this is really irrelevant to the situation, but probably why I am feeling as hurt as I am, is that my cousin and her fiance are really pinching pennies and they are going on a cruise for their honeymoon, that leaves out of Florida. She was a long time castmember at WDW. She did the CP there for several years, and then worked full time for three more years after she graduated college. She has a lot of friends there who are still castmembers. She told me that she really wanted to spend the last night of her honeymoon at WDW, that they wanted to drive from Port Canaveral to Disney, and then fly home the next day, but she didn't know if they'd have enough money for a room. I offered to book a room for her out of my DVC, which I did. I gave her the choice of resorts that had a room available, so they chose VWL, and I was able to make the reservation. I told her it was not part of her gift, that I just wanted to do it for them. I know I shouldn't feel resentful now, but I do. Oh well, live and learn, right?

Wow, I feel very sorry for the bride. All this resentment you have for her is bound to show through. She probably had her mother or someone else come up with the seating arrangements and invitations.

Just remember this through your red haze. It IS common for many people to not invite boyfriends and girlfriends. I can not believe you are so offended because your DD's boyfriend was not invited.

I think you should just let her pay you for the use of your DVC room, that way you won't always resent her for that. Better yet, just don't do anything for her, it seems it is such an incovienience and something to judge her on.

 

[Michelle67]

I'm sure it would hurt my feelings too for my live-in SO not to be invited, and if it wasn't a family member I was very close to I might not go either. But I also agree strongly with the PP who said that wedding lists are so hard and stressful, and you pretty much always end up having to risk hurting or offending someone by cutting them out. I'm lucky my family and friends group is fairly small, and that my husband's family were all on the opposite side of the country and didn't plan on coming to our wedding. That made things pretty easy. But helping my best friend plan her wedding was awful! It was so stressful for her trying to figure out how to stay within the limits of the venue and the budget, and invite everyone she and her husband wanted to have there, or wanted not to hurt by leaving out. Inevitably they both ended up having to make apologies and hope they were accepted. That's sad, because a wedding should be a joyous occasion, not one that makes you feel mean and guilty.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I always have mixed feelings on this.

I understand how difficult it can be to attend a function like a wedding without an escort. Especially if everyone else there is couples. But I don't think every single invitation should include "and guest" for every adult over a certain age.

In these parts, weddings (and bar/bat mitzvahs) are expensive. If you're having an upscale wedding, per person prices can be over $100. To invite each adult with a guest (if that person is not in a long term relationship with the invited guest) could add significant money to your bill, especially if you're inviting a lot of younger people. And then you end up with a lot of people you don't know at your wedding.

When dh and I got married, his brother was not dating anyone. And I mean anyone. But dh said we had to invite him with a guest. Who the heck was he going to invite? He didn't have a girlfriend, wasn't dating anyone. But dh didn't want him sitting alone. Even when he wasn't going to be since he knew all of dh's friends for years and was going to be sitting at a table with them.

So he got to invite a guest. Some girl he knew and dated casually about 5 years before. I didn't know her, never met her, never saw her again. So there was this stranger at my wedding and in my pictures. Did it break the bank? No. Did I like it? No again. If he had been dating someone for a time, I would have been fine with it. But to invite him to bring a stranger to my wedding, I didn't care for.

As for wedding invites, if you live w/ mom and dad, invite goes to their house. If child lives on their own, invite goes to their address. If they are living with someone or dating someone for a significant period of time (even if not engaged), that person gets invited. If they have no special person, then I think they have to deal with either coming alone or they decline. It's certainly their right not to come if they think they are going to be uncomfortable.

I don't know, I think you did the right thing. How does one know how long people have been in a relationship, or how serious it is? That would really drive me crazy to try to figure that out. In my opinion, I think the best way to go with functions such as these is to always include the option to bring a guest, and invite the number of people you can afford including the guests. I know for a fact that my cousin and her parents are inviting people they will probably not see again, or at least not until the next wedding or funeral. While frequency of "seeing" each other shouldn't be a predetermining factor, I do think frequency of "contact" is. Why is my brother invited who hasn't spoken to my aunt/uncle/cousin in the last 12 years? That's four extra people added to the list. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Wow, I feel very sorry for the bride. All this resentment you have for her is bound to show through. She probably had her mother or someone else come up with the seating arrangements and invitations.

Just remember this through your red haze. It IS common for many people to not invite boyfriends and girlfriends. I can not believe you are so offended because your DD's boyfriend was not invited.

I think you should just let her pay you for the use of your DVC room, that way you won't always resent her for that. Better yet, just don't do anything for her, it seems it is such an incovienience and something to judge her on.

I don't resent her, I feel hurt, and the reason I am venting here is so that it is all out by the time I speak to her again. I don't have a red haze. I'm hurt. It's a blue haze because I'm feeling blue and feel like crying. You keep referring to my daughter's boyfriend as if they were 16 and having a puppy-love relationship. These are two adults who have been together for six years and live together. Not much different from being married other than there is no "official" paper. I do believe that it is inappropriate to invite her and leave him out. I'm not judging my cousin's character, I'm judging her judgment. Just don't invite them at all if you can't invite them as a couple, that I can understand.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

If you're having an upscale wedding



I guess my priorities are all mixed up because if it were me, I'd forego the "upscale" part to include everyone. Weddings are supposed to be about friends and family getting together and celebrating something happy. Not putting on a theatrical production.

 

[jrmasm]

I don't know, I think you did the right thing. How does one know how long people have been in a relationship, or how serious it is? That would really drive me crazy to try to figure that out. In my opinion, I think the best way to go with functions such as these is to always include the option to bring a guest, and invite the number of people you can afford including the guests. I know for a fact that my cousin and her parents are inviting people they will probably not see again, or at least not until the next wedding or funeral. While frequency of "seeing" each other shouldn't be a predetermining factor, I do think frequency of "contact" is. Why is my brother invited who hasn't spoken to my aunt/uncle/cousin in the last 12 years? That's four extra people added to the list. It just doesn't make sense to me.

That is exactly why people sometimes only invite spouses and fiances. It's an easy deliniation.

I think she did commit a faux pas when she added your children to your invitation.

 

[Stella3]

You keep referring to my daughter's boyfriend as if they were 16 and having a puppy-love relationship.

I have no idea what their relationship is, I have only referred to him as her boyfriend - what you have called him.

Sorry, you are hurt and I hope things get resolved.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Let me clarify myself, I did say I'm feeling resentful, and then I said I'm not. The underlying feeling is hurt. I feel slighted. I know my child is going to feel hurt, so that hurts me. I'll get over it. I'm sorry I can't be as BIG as some folks on this board, and not let it bother me at all, but it does. I'll get over it. In the grand scheme of things it's no biggie. I'm just grateful for the understanding shoulders of some on this board who allow people to vent. Thank you, you guys are great!!!

 

[ARLO1]

I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. when my cousin got married she only invited the married people so only 2 of my brothers were invited to her wedding not my 1 brother or my sister or me. we couldnt understand that. so my 2 sister in laws got to see someone they only knew for a few years but someone who knew her all our lives werent invited

 

[TeresaNJ]

That is exactly why people sometimes only invite spouses and fiances. It's an easy deliniation.

I think she did commit a faux pas when she added your children to your invitation.

I guess you didn't read Rick's post? It is an easy deliniation, but still can cause quite a bit of hurt and hard feelings, so is it the right deliniation? The easiest thing to do is invite people you care about, and not worry about inviting people who don't give a damn about you, but are invited because they are "family", or are of the appropriate status.

 

[Hoodie]

Let me clarify myself, I did say I'm feeling resentful, and then I said I'm not. The underlying feeling is hurt. I feel slighted. I know my child is going to feel hurt, so that hurts me. I'll get over it. I'm sorry I can't be as BIG as some folks on this board, and not let it bother me at all, but it does. I'll get over it. In the grand scheme of things it's no biggie. I'm just grateful for the understanding shoulders of some on this board who allow people to vent. Thank you, you guys are great!!!

Honestly, isn't it great that we have a place to vent stuff like this? A place to get it all out so we don't take it out on those we love when we might regret it later?

 

[jrmasm]

I guess you didn't read Rick's post? It is an easy deliniation, but still can cause quite a bit of hurt and hard feelings, so is it the right deliniation? The easiest thing to do is invite people you care about, and not worry about inviting people who don't give a damn about you, but are invited because they are "family", or are of the appropriate status.

I did read his post and think that situation was horrible. I know you feel that your daughter's situation is the same but I really don't. He has been with his partner for 17 years and is legally unable to get married. In my mind, there is a huge difference.

Like I said earlier, I do think your children should have received invitations at their own addresses.

I get that you're hurt but I think you should take a step back and let your dd decide how she wants to handle it. Who knows? She may not react the way you expect.

 

[mickeyboat]

That is exactly why people sometimes only invite spouses and fiances. It's an easy deliniation.

I think she did commit a faux pas when she added your children to your invitation.

I think trying to make judgements as to the seriousness of each person's relationship would be more problematic than making an easy deliniation.

 

[Hoodie]

I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. when my cousin got married she only invited the married people so only 2 of my brothers were invited to her wedding not my 1 brother or my sister or me. we couldnt understand that. so my 2 sister in laws got to see someone they only knew for a few years but someone who knew her all our lives werent invited

That's horrible! Where was the rationale for that?

 

[mjkacmom]

Your children should've received their own invitations. Your dd should've been invited with her bf, just because of the amount of time they've been together. Honestly, if your ds doesn't have a SO, and she needs to limit the amount of guests, due to space or money, I see no need of why he should be asked to bring a guest. When DH and I started dating, my gf was getting married. Another friend, who was with her SO for over a year, brought him, but me and another gf, who were dating our SO's for only a month, didn't get to bring them (ironically, we all married the SO's, and the one who was invited is the only one divorced). I had no problem with the situation.

I only had a limited number of space, so I only invited unmarried people with guests if they had a SO - I would rather have friends and family at my wedding, than some stranger, who was not really involved with my guest.