Where do you draw the line?

[okeydokey]

We could go round and round on this, but when you have adults living together as significant others and you don't invite both of them, I think that is wrong. Why, because my daughter doesn't have an official engagement ring? What if my daughter was gay? Does she not get to bring her sig other of six years to a wedding because they are not married? While I don't agree with not allowing any adult to bring a guest, I could understand a teeny bit if my son didn't have a guest attached to his invite, as he's not seeing anyone at this time, but he should at the very least get his own invitation at his own address.

Your wedding, you decide. Her wedding, she decides. Your kids can decide if they will attend without dates.

I do believe they should each have received a separate invitation.

 

[TeresaNJ]

If the BRIDE and GROOM do not want them there, then NO, they should not be allowed to bring them. People are forgetting that they are not entitled to bring a guest just because they want to. If they bride and groom WANT them to bring a guest, it is fine, if they don't, suck it up.

And that is fine if that is the bride and grooms choice. I don't think people should feel "entitled" about anything, I'm just saying that I think it is inappropriate. I'm thinking my daughter won't feel inclined to be doing any freebies that day either, so I sure hope my cousin doesn't feel entitled to getting those pictures.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I have never heard of inviting an ADULT and not putting "and guest"...even if they aren't in a long term relationship

I know... I have only seen that on a very few occasions and usually with very young adults (college student age). My brother was the first of his friends to marry and he got married at 22 (very young for these parts) and I know he didn't put and guest on every over 18 invite but he did for everyone who he knew had a SO & he did for everyone over age 22.

 

[Hoodie]

Your wedding, you decide. Her wedding, she decides. Your kids can decide if they will attend without dates.

I do believe they should each have received a separate invitation.

I think that sums it up.

She erred not sending seperate invitations to the adult cousins. That's all. She can decide who she wants there.

 

[RickinNYC]

Oh goodness, aren't you being a bit dramatic?! Around here it is very common to only invite spouses/fiancees.

Not dramatic at all. Happened to my partner of 17+ years and I. We can't legally get married because, well... another story about idiocy in the world today but I digress. He was invited to a wedding by an old college friend. He found it odd that only his name was on the invitation, and not mine, although I'd met the bride to be on many occasions, she'd even stayed with us over a couple of weekends.

He didn't want to raise a fuss, so he called other friends (all straight married couples). They were all invited as a couple. We were the only ones that weren't. So he called the bride to be, politely asked her if it was an honest mistake and she said nope. The only couples that were invited were married couples because they had to keep things on a budget, so sorry. Joe tried to subtly explain that we had been together longer than any of their heterosexual married couples and she just said, "yeah, sorry but that's the way it is."

He didn't go to the wedding. And we're no longer friends with the idiot as well.

 

[Hoodie]

And that is fine if that is the bride and grooms choice. I don't think people should feel "entitled" about anything, I'm just saying that I think it is inappropriate. I'm thinking my daughter won't feel inclined to be doing any freebies that day either, so I sure hope my cousin doesn't feel entitled to getting those pictures.

I sincerely hope your daughter didn't volunteer to take pictures and then withholds them over this. If the bride is relying on those as her pictures and is not hiring a photographer because of it, your daughter should let her know that the offer has been withdrawn so she can make other plans. To offer to do it and then not because she's offended that her S.O. was not invited is a horrible thing to do to the bride.

Honestly, if your daughter is/was planning on doing the photography, I don't know why she'd want her S.O. to go. She'd be too busy working to spend any time with him and he'd end up at a table with semi-strangers. I enver understood why anyone in the wedding party would want to bring a date if they weren't married.

 

[becjlek]

When my SIL sent out invitations to her daughter's wedding, they sent one to the parents of each family and just said "and family". This meant one invitation for a family that had 3 grown children living in different parts of the country.

 

[MainStMandy]

Not dramatic at all. Happened to my partner of 17+ years and I. We can't legally get married because, well... another story about idiocy in the world today but I digress. He was invited to a wedding by an old college friend. He found it odd that only his name was on the invitation, and not mine, although I'd met the bride to be on many occasions, she'd even stayed with us over a couple of weekends.

He didn't want to raise a fuss, so he called other friends (all straight married couples). They were all invited as a couple. We were the only ones that weren't. So he called the bride to be, politely asked her if it was an honest mistake and she said nope. The only couples that were invited were married couples because they had to keep things on a budget, so sorry. Joe tried to subtly explain that we had been together longer than any of their heterosexual married couples and she just said, "yeah, sorry but that's the way it is."

He didn't go to the wedding. And we're no longer friends with the idiot as well.

That is just ridiculous. Smart move no longer having them as friends.

As far as the op, I can totally understand what you are saying. And I don't think it is as much about adding "and guest" as it was about not lumping everyone together on one invitation. Each guest should have their own invitation, regardless of whether you add "and guest".

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I don't think it's appropriate to invite an adult to an event like a wedding, and not allow them to bring a guest. That's my opinion. I wouldn't do it, but I realize that we all have our own opinions.

Because these are not any guests - they are family. It's so very tacky.

Number one, all adults over the age of 18 who have a separate address should be invited at that address, not piggy-backed onto mom and dad's invite. Number two, to not allow family members to bring a guest, especially a live in significant other, is tacky and rude. I don't care what your money saving ideas are, it's just rude. Oh, and did I mention tacky???

I agree!!!

I was annoyed when my cousin got married when I was 22, and I wasn't invited with a guest. Two other cousins (cousins to the bride)...one a year older than me, one a year younger...were married. I sat at their table, alone, feeling very awkward. I had been dating my DH for a year at that point. (Not that it mattered...I should have been invited with a guest whether or not I had been dating anyone that they knew or didn't know about.) 25+ years later, *I'm* still married to that guy I was dating, and those two cousins are twice-divorced. Not that it matters...I'm just sayin'.

Sure, brides can do what they want, and people can choose not to attend. Doesn't make the decision appropriate, nor that people aren't going to be offended. DH and I were invited to a Jack & Jill Greenback Shower...tacky, for sure...but hey, people can do what they want...their party

Your daughter lives with her boyfriend and he is not invited b/c they are not engaged


Bridezilla

I have never heard of inviting an ADULT and not putting "and guest"...even if they aren't in a long term relationship

That's the way it should be!

Your wedding, you decide. Her wedding, she decides. Your kids can decide if they will attend without dates.

I do believe they should each have received a separate invitation.

Why do you believe the adult children should each have received a separate invitation? Maybe the invitations cost too much. Her wedding, she decides, right?

 

[eliza61]

Hey Neighbor,
NEVER, EVER try to figure out wedding plans and funeral plans. They will drive you crazy. One man's tacky is another man's high society. I think your first response was best. "Thanks for the invite but I won't be able to accept without my significant other".
I always say, it's your day-you have the right to do what you want, while I have the right to graciously decline.

 

[Hoodie]

Not dramatic at all. Happened to my partner of 17+ years and I. We can't legally get married because, well... another story about idiocy in the world today but I digress. He was invited to a wedding by an old college friend. He found it odd that only his name was on the invitation, and not mine, although I'd met the bride to be on many occasions, she'd even stayed with us over a couple of weekends.

He didn't want to raise a fuss, so he called other friends (all straight married couples). They were all invited as a couple. We were the only ones that weren't. So he called the bride to be, politely asked her if it was an honest mistake and she said nope. The only couples that were invited were married couples because they had to keep things on a budget, so sorry. Joe tried to subtly explain that we had been together longer than any of their heterosexual married couples and she just said, "yeah, sorry but that's the way it is."

He didn't go to the wedding. And we're no longer friends with the idiot as well.

Weddings suck.

We solved it by inviting everyone plus guests and kids. Most people can't do that though.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I sincerely hope your daughter didn't volunteer to take pictures and then withholds them over this. If the bride is relying on those as her pictures and is not hiring a photographer because of it, your daughter should let her know that the offer has been withdrawn so she can make other plans. To offer to do it and then not because she's offended that her S.O. was not invited is a horrible thing to do to the bride.

Honestly, if your daughter is/was planning on doing the photography, I don't know why she'd want her S.O. to go. She'd be too busy working to spend any time with him and he'd end up at a table with semi-strangers. I enver understood why anyone in the wedding party would want to bring a date if they weren't married.

No, my daughter isn't the wedding photographer, but she would have taken candid shots during the reception most likely, and then given them to the bride and groom as a present. I don't know if she would still go and do this or not. She doesn't know her sig other isn't invited. I'm not saying anything one way or the other. I'll just let the chips fall where they may and let my daughter make her own decision. These are just my hurt thoughts right now.

 

[Laura]

I'm married, and so are my siblings. My father received an invitation to a cousin's wedding (relatives of my late mother) addressed to him and ostensibly inviting all of us children. I don't know if spouses were invited; I never saw the invitation. Apparently they chose to do some special calligraphy and they were expensive. I chose not to attend. I felt if I wasn't special enough to rate being sent my own invitation, they wouldn't care if I didn't go.

 

[Laura]

Around here it's practically unheard of to NOT invite long term SO's (I'm talking year+ of being together, not like, someone you just met) and I've actually never heard of a person who lived with a long term SO not being invited.

DH has a friend who started dating his now wife about 7 months before our wedding. The invitations were ordered 3 months after they started dating, and I learned that he bought a ring and was going to propose on Easter--a few weeks after the invitations were going out. I was glad for the advance notice, because his invitation was going to just say "and guest".

 

[TeresaNJ]

Not dramatic at all. Happened to my partner of 17+ years and I. We can't legally get married because, well... another story about idiocy in the world today but I digress. He was invited to a wedding by an old college friend. He found it odd that only his name was on the invitation, and not mine, although I'd met the bride to be on many occasions, she'd even stayed with us over a couple of weekends.

He didn't want to raise a fuss, so he called other friends (all straight married couples). They were all invited as a couple. We were the only ones that weren't. So he called the bride to be, politely asked her if it was an honest mistake and she said nope. The only couples that were invited were married couples because they had to keep things on a budget, so sorry. Joe tried to subtly explain that we had been together longer than any of their heterosexual married couples and she just said, "yeah, sorry but that's the way it is."

He didn't go to the wedding. And we're no longer friends with the idiot as well.

That is just beyond unbelievable and very hurtful. People are really so stupid at times. I just know my daughter is going to be very hurt over this. I'm sure my son won't care in the least and probably won't even go. What is upsetting to me is that she is inviting people that she doesn't have any kind of relationship with other than they are "family", one of them being my brother and his family. My brother doesn't care for my cousin or her parents, hasn't seen them in years, I'm sure couldn't care less if he is invited or not, yet they are invited, including my brother's wife's daughter who lives in Indiana where she goes to college. I don't even think my cousin would know this girl if she fell over her.

Oh well, as others have said, it's her choice and she can invite who she wants.

 

[eliza61]

I don't see the problem. They invited family and spouses/fiancées of family members.
Why should they offer an open invite for guests to bring any tom dick or harry to their wedding?

A serious committed relationship is hardly "any tom, dick, or Harry"

Oh goodness, aren't you being a bit dramatic?! Around here it is very common to only invite spouses/fiancees.

My dh & I lived together for quite awhile before we finally got married. No way, no how were you going to exclude him from any thing.
Tacky dressed up in a wedding is still Tacky.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

A serious committed relationship is hardly "any tom, dick, or Harry"

That's exactly the point.

Some people seriously seem to think unless there is a ring on your finger, that your relationship is meaningless. That puzzles me. Some people can't afford that ring. Or could, but choose to spend money on other things. Some couples who are committed can't live together for financial reasons. As an example -- I love my b/f dearly, but us living together would be a financial bad move right now since we work in locations that are about 2 hours apart. (We live an hour apart) and either of us quitting our good paying jobs right now in this economy would be a really dumb move for both of our futures.

I guess it's easy for people making out invitations to just generalize but if it were me, I'd probably only invite people I was close to and talked to on a regular basis & all adults would bring guests. I wouldn't want anyone standing around alone in a sea of couples.

 

[TeresaNJ]

That's exactly the point.

Some people seriously seem to think unless there is a ring on your finger, that your relationship is meaningless. That puzzles me. Some people can't afford that ring. Or could, but choose to spend money on other things. Some couples who are committed can't live together for financial reasons. As an example -- I love my b/f dearly, but us living together would be a financial bad move right now since we work in locations that are about 2 hours apart. (We live an hour apart) and either of us quitting our good paying jobs right now in this economy would be a really dumb move for both of our futures.

I guess it's easy for people making out invitations to just generalize but if it were me, I'd probably only invite people I was close to and talked to on a regular basis & all adults would bring guests. I wouldn't want anyone standing around alone in a sea of couples.

My thoughts exactly. I'm actually feeling hurt for my daughter because I know she is going to be very hurt. Granted, she is only 22, but she has been with her bf since she was 16, and they now live together! He isn't some Tom, Dick or Harry! I feel like my cousin and her parents just wrote him off. So I guess if my daughter had met someone six months ago, and quickly got engaged, that that person would be invited??? I'm just blowing off steam. I need to get this out and calm down so I don't speak in anger when I next talk to my cousin again.

 

[Hoodie]

That is just beyond unbelievable and very hurtful. People are really so stupid at times. I just know my daughter is going to be very hurt over this. I'm sure my son won't care in the least and probably won't even go. What is upsetting to me is that she is inviting people that she doesn't have any kind of relationship with other than they are "family", one of them being my brother and his family. My brother doesn't care for my cousin or her parents, hasn't seen them in years, I'm sure couldn't care less if he is invited or not, yet they are invited, including my brother's wife's daughter who lives in Indiana where she goes to college. I don't even think my cousin would know this girl if she fell over her.

Oh well, as others have said, it's her choice and she can invite who she wants.

Making the wedding list is one of the most stressful parts of the planning. (just wait until she tries the seating chart). Most people plan in "circles". Immediate family is a circle, then extended family, close friends, etc. To be "fair" you have to include everyone in that ring of the circle, not just pick and choose. Expanding it out to include you and your children (whom she probably wants there) means including your brother and his family as well. Smae with S.O./dates. Including a S.O. for one usually means including them for all. That can be a substantial increase in guests. Keep in mind that this is not always only about budget, but about space. Also, you don't know the circumstances regarding that "circle". By opening it up to include your daughters boyfriend, where is the next line? How many people get added? Since it's your daughter, it's easy to think "it's just one person", but the line has been moved, which in my recent experience usually translates to an additional 10-15 people minimum, not just him.

Be patient with the bride. The stress she's under is probably unlike anything she's ever experienced. Every bride and groom need to cut their list somewhere and all risk offending someone to do it. Cutting it at fiancees/spouses is fairly common.

 

[TeresaNJ]

The other thing too, and this is really irrelevant to the situation, but probably why I am feeling as hurt as I am, is that my cousin and her fiance are really pinching pennies and they are going on a cruise for their honeymoon, that leaves out of Florida. She was a long time castmember at WDW. She did the CP there for several years, and then worked full time for three more years after she graduated college. She has a lot of friends there who are still castmembers. She told me that she really wanted to spend the last night of her honeymoon at WDW, that they wanted to drive from Port Canaveral to Disney, and then fly home the next day, but she didn't know if they'd have enough money for a room. I offered to book a room for her out of my DVC, which I did. I gave her the choice of resorts that had a room available, so they chose VWL, and I was able to make the reservation. I told her it was not part of her gift, that I just wanted to do it for them. I know I shouldn't feel resentful now, but I do. Oh well, live and learn, right?