Where do you draw the line?

[WDSearcher]

That is just beyond unbelievable and very hurtful. People are really so stupid at times. I just know my daughter is going to be very hurt over this. I'm sure my son won't care in the least and probably won't even go. What is upsetting to me is that she is inviting people that she doesn't have any kind of relationship with other than they are "family", one of them being my brother and his family. My brother doesn't care for my cousin or her parents, hasn't seen them in years, I'm sure couldn't care less if he is invited or not, yet they are invited, including my brother's wife's daughter who lives in Indiana where she goes to college. I don't even think my cousin would know this girl if she fell over her.

Oh well, as others have said, it's her choice and she can invite who she wants.

Could it be that one side of the family or another is making her feel "obligated" to invite cousins she hasn't seen in years, etc ... and so that's why they all end up on the guest list? Could it be that her own upbringing somehow put it into her head that this is just how it's "done"? Could someone else be controlling the guest list?

Personally, I think you're blowing this all WAAAAY out of proportion. Getting all hurt because the SO of one of your kids isn't invited to a wedding of someone you don't seem to be particularly close to seems like going a little overboard. If it's upsetting you that much, then don't go to the wedding. Problem solved.

Your thread is titled "Where do you draw the line?" For this particular bride, it seems to be "at the SO's of cousin's children." I'm sure that she didn't just sit down and say, "I'm specifically not inviting Teresa's daughters long-time significant other because I'd much rather invite a third cousin I don't know." She probably put a lot of thought into exactly where to draw the line, trying to be fair to everyone.

You didn't mention if your daughter was particularly close to this cousin. If she's not, then why the big kerfluffle? If they've been BFF for years, then that's another story. Bottom line is that your daughter is probably not the only relative affected. I'm sure there are other folks on the list who can't bring a guest either, regardless of how long they've had that person in their life. It's the cut-off the bride made, and it's HER wedding. You can either honor that gracefully or you can not attend.

For the record, it's fairly common where I'm from to invite single, unmarried, unengaged adults to weddings without including "& Guest" on the invite. I've been invited as a "single" many times, and my boyfriends at the time were thrilled to not have to get all dressed up and waste a Saturday afternoon at a wedding.

 

[Mom2Nick]

Why do people think they are entitled to have a say in how other people choose to plan their weddings?!?!

You can be as pissed as you want - you have a choice to attend or not. Telling the bride what you thought she should do is a bit over the top IMO.

 

[Tink415]

I've been married for 19 years and dated my husband for 9 years before marrying. Two years ago he received a wedding invitation from a current business client, whom he met in college (we were dating before college). The invitation was to my husband only. That was the tackiest invitation ever received by our family. Oh yes, a birth announcement w/ baby picture followed about 6 months later, also addressed only to my husband. The gifts my husband sent were a business expense

For my own wedding, I invited relatives and friends +guest. I didn't invite all of my cousins (I have over 100 1st cousins), only those I felt close to. My husbands family guest list came from his mom, so I was off the hook for that side of the family She had her own criteria for who to invite, and wanted to know the gifts we received from their family.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I guess I feel close enough to my cousin to tell her my feelings. I didn't tell her how she should make her decisions, I told her how I would do it, and that is if she needs to make a cut-off, just eliminate some people. I would not have been offended at all if she didn't invite my kids. I told her and her parents I totally understood if they couldn't invite them due to cost.

I don't now and never will understand inviting an adult without the option of bringing a guest. I think it is a silly way of cutting corners. Just invite how many you can afford. When you start basing it on who has been with whom longer and who is engaged/married/etc., it just starts getting ridiculous. Again, my opinion.

I think what got me initially annoyed is that she said she was going to put my son and daughter on our invitation. That is just totally tacky, and I felt like she was doing it because she didn't want them to bring a guest and felt stupid sending them their own invitation to their own address. I don't know.

 

[Shyvioletisme]

If they have been dating that long and the bride knows her boyfriend, I say he should be invited.
However, I don't think it's anyone's RIGHT to have a guest at a wedding. I"m not sure who came up with those rules or why people keep insisting they must be followed. But my thoughts and what I did at my wedding is that if someone was married/engaged/long term relationship, the SO was invited. However, I don't feel that a couple has to let every adult bring a guest...I wouldn't want a bunch of random people I don't know and most likely will never see again at my wedding. Weddings are meant to be shared with those you love and care for and know...not random strangers just so that everyone at the wedding isn't alone.. that's just how I feel.

anyway..since your DD is in a long term relationship and it seems likely that the couple knows her SO, it seems right that he should be invited.

 

[JessicaR]

I think every situation is unique. When I got married I invited a table of friends that I worked with that were single at the time to attend alone but they were placed together at their own table. Now 18 years later reflecting on that situation I think I should have extended and guest on the invites.

I also invited a table of cousins not married as singles and my aunt called my mom and said if they couldn't bring a guest they wouldn't attend. They were 16!! There were 8 of them. Personally I would have said so don't attend but my Mom said OK bring guests.

In this particular case with your daughter in a committed relationship and not being a child or teen she should have received her own invitation for she and a guest. If it were me I wouldn't go. Your family are all invited with their partners and she is supposed to go alone? Seems un-thought out to me. But since you brought it to your cousins attention and she is now aware and hasn't made a change I would have your daughter decide.

I will be curious how this plays out keep us posted. I guess the bride can do what she wants but so can her guests when replying.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Could it be that one side of the family or another is making her feel "obligated" to invite cousins she hasn't seen in years, etc ... and so that's why they all end up on the guest list? Could it be that her own upbringing somehow put it into her head that this is just how it's "done"? Could someone else be controlling the guest list?

Personally, I think you're blowing this all WAAAAY out of proportion. Getting all hurt because the SO of one of your kids isn't invited to a wedding of someone you don't seem to be particularly close to seems like going a little overboard. If it's upsetting you that much, then don't go to the wedding. Problem solved.

Your thread is titled "Where do you draw the line?" For this particular bride, it seems to be "at the SO's of cousin's children." I'm sure that she didn't just sit down and say, "I'm specifically not inviting Teresa's daughters long-time significant other because I'd much rather invite a third cousin I don't know." She probably put a lot of thought into exactly where to draw the line, trying to be fair to everyone.

You didn't mention if your daughter was particularly close to this cousin. If she's not, then why the big kerfluffle? If they've been BFF for years, then that's another story. Bottom line is that your daughter is probably not the only relative affected. I'm sure there are other folks on the list who can't bring a guest either, regardless of how long they've had that person in their life. It's the cut-off the bride made, and it's HER wedding. You can either honor that gracefully or you can not attend.

For the record, it's fairly common where I'm from to invite single, unmarried, unengaged adults to weddings without including "& Guest" on the invite. I've been invited as a "single" many times, and my boyfriends at the time were thrilled to not have to get all dressed up and waste a Saturday afternoon at a wedding.

I wouldn't say that my daughter and my cousin are extremely close, like as in best friends, but they are pretty close. My daughter has gone out of her way to help her cousin with photos for her theater productions, and they hang out fairly frequently.

I do believe her parents feel obligated to invite "all" cousins, etc., because they are family, and not basing it on who they actually have a relationship with.

Again, this is just my belief. I would never invite an adult to any kind of formal event without including a guest. That's where I draw the line.

 

[Mayl]

I don't see the issue.

You brought up your cousin's age, but not sure where that comes into the whole thing.

It is her wedding and whatever way she can get in the folks she wants to attend her event is up to her. I am sure you know it is hard to get everyone on the list. People get cut and in this case, it is it just the boyfriend/girlfriend of your kids.

Sorry, but not that big a deal.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I don't see the issue.

You brought up your cousin's age, but not sure where that comes into the whole thing.

It is her wedding and whatever way she can get in the folks she wants to attend her event is up to her. I am sure you know it is hard to get everyone on the list. People get cut and in this case, it is it just the boyfriend/girlfriend of your kids.

Sorry, but not that big a deal.

I guess I was pointing out that although she is my first cousin, she is around my kids' age. Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[declansdad]

I don't think it's appropriate to invite an adult to an event like a wedding, and not allow them to bring a guest. That's my opinion. I wouldn't do it, but I realize that we all have our own opinions.

Yes we do and since it is her wedding, her opinion is the one that matters most.

 

[Jynohn]

My father is one of 16 children, so when I was planning my wedding and we were limited to only 150 guests, you can imagine what a nightmare it was. That said, my great aunt (and godmother) still does not talk to me 11 years later because I couldn't invite her children (whom I saw only very rarely) to my wedding. I think it's very sad to lose a close relationship over something that is very likely out of the bride's control.

I sincerely hope that you and your family are able to let go of your hurt and enjoy the day with your cousin.

 

[declansdad]

An adult, yes that's anyone out of high school or over the age of 18, should receive their own invitation and should also have a guest invited.
Sure a bride can do what they want but that doesn't make it right.

Is there some manual somewhere that says every invited adult gets to bring a guest?

 

[Disney Doll]

Number one, all adults over the age of 18 who have a separate address should be invited at that address, not piggy-backed onto mom and dad's invite. Number two, to not allow family members to bring a guest, especially a live in significant other, is tacky and rude. I don't care what your money saving ideas are, it's just rude. Oh, and did I mention tacky???

What she said.

Perhaps I could even say an adult without a fairly significant other could be invited alone.

I got married at 30 and wouldn't have dreamed of inviting an adult cousin living separately from his parents on their invitation, nor would I have dreamed of inviting my cousin and not her live-in BF of 6 years. I chose to invite all adults attending my wedding with a guest so they could bring an escort if they chose to.

 

[declansdad]

Let me clarify myself, I did say I'm feeling resentful, and then I said I'm not. The underlying feeling is hurt. I feel slighted. I know my child is going to feel hurt, so that hurts me. I'll get over it. I'm sorry I can't be as BIG as some folks on this board, and not let it bother me at all, but it does. I'll get over it. In the grand scheme of things it's no biggie. I'm just grateful for the understanding shoulders of some on this board who allow people to vent. Thank you, you guys are great!!!

Just curious, what does your daughter think?

 

[C.Ann]

Weddings today are extremely expensive.. Problems like this occur frequently (as in children being allowed or not allowed; cash bars or open bars; destination weddings or not; etc.).. The people who are paying for the wedding are faced with a multitude of problems - and especially so when it comes to the invitation lists..

If it really bothered me that much I just wouldn't go - because it would probably be "written all over my face"..

You have options - choose the one that works best for you..

 

[mjkacmom]

Is there some manual somewhere that says every invited adult gets to bring a guest?

Nope, there is not. If you are limited on space, it would be a shame to leave out dozens of close friends and/or relatives, just to have a bunch of strangers share in the special day. It's a wedding, a celebration of the marriage of friends and relatives, not some random cocktail party. You shouldn't have to shell out $100 a head for a date night.

 

[scrapquitler]

My cousin tells me she is only allowing "engaged" adults to bring a guest! Excuse me!!! Not for nothing, but my daughter has been with her boyfriend for the last six years. So she's suppose to leave him home? And my 28 yo son is suppose to come with mommy & daddy?

I just don't get people. I told her that if it was me, I'd only invite the people I really wanted there, and if I had to leave out some in order for the ones I really cared about to bring guests, then that's what I'd do. s not to come to the wedding. I swear I don't get people.

Just my opinion:
If I were getting married again, I'd rather have distant relatives I haven't seen in years at my wedding than a cousin's 'guest'. I just can't see having to pay for someone I never met before (or who is maybe just the flavor of the week) over a relative. In this vein, it makes sense the the OP's son didn't get to bring a guest. But yes, probably the daughters 6 year live in boyfriend should hve been invited. BUT THE GUEST LIST IS UP TO THE BRIDE . Period.
But thats just me.

 

[declansdad]

Nope, there is not. If you are limited on space, it would be a shame to leave out dozens of close friends and/or relatives, just to have a bunch of strangers share in the special day. It's a wedding, a celebration of the marriage of friends and relatives, not some random cocktail party. You shouldn't have to shell out $100 a head for a date night.

That's what I thought but what do I know, I'm a man.

 

[winnapooh]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I have to agree with the OP that this was not really acceptable. This happened to me several years ago, with my cousins wedding, except that I was in the OP's kids shoes. My cousin is a year younger than me and was my best friend growing up. I was one of her three bridesmaids. At the time of her wedding, I was in grad school, living in my own apartment, in a different state from my parents; Fully supporting myself. Keep in mind I was a bridesmaid!

My name was on my parents invitation. I wasn't even sent my own invitation, guest or no guest!!! I kinda assumed it was a fluke, and I asked a mutual friend of ours to go (He was invited to the wedding as well, with a guest, I might add, so it wasn't like I was inviting someone extra to the wedding). Unfortunately, he had already invited someone else. When I told my cousin that I had invited him, her response was that I was in the wedding party and thus didn't need to bring a date!!!

Interestingly enough, the third bridesmaid was allowed to bring a date. The maid of honor (the brides sister), was not allowed to bring one either.

I was so mad about it; my mom had to make me invite my cousins husband to my own wedding a couple of years later!!! My cousin was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and I wanted to put her on her parents invitation!!! I wouldn't have actually done this, but I really wanted to!!!

 

[Mayl]

It still comes down to the fact that it is not the OP wedding.

At that point, all complaint stop. If you are not footing the bill, don't complain, vent or rant