Where do you draw the line?

[HelenePA]

when my dh's sister got married we didn't get an invatation but I did get invited to the bridal shower, along with her registery that included NOTHING under 150$ I mean everyone needs 250$ salt and peper shakers right??Then a week before the wedding she called us to make sure we were coming and during the phone call I got a lecture on how she wanted to have the first grandchild and she wanted to be involved with our daughter's life (whatever that meant??). She was VERY VERY angry with me for having a child before her...

 

[TeresaNJ]

It still comes down to the fact that it is not the OP wedding.

At that point, all complaint stop. If you are not footing the bill, don't complain, vent or rant

Well that may be, but if I feel like ranting, whining, complaining or whatever, I will. So there! Where is the sticking your tongue out smilie when you need one?

 

[Camicar]

You know back in the day, when I got married, no one other than the MOB and MOG would have ever dreamed of arguing with a bride about wanting to add additional guests to the guest list. It was just bad form. There was also an understanding that money is not limitless. In our case, that was especially true. So when I got married, the only guests who could bring guests were those in the wedding party. Everyone else went 'stag'. No one complained, no one turned down the invitation, everyone still tells me it was the best wedding they've ever attended.

Times have changed. People are no longer happy to "just" share in your day and be served good food and drink, dance, and have a good time. That is no longer enough for today's guests. Nope. They have to have ONLY the food they want, served at the time they want, with the drink they want (and heaven forbid if there's alcohol when they don't believe in it), have babysitters provided, and get to choose who is on the guest list. Having been in the bridal industry, I have said recently that the real bridezillas are not the brides, but the guests who these days bring not a gift but a sense of entitlement to the proceedings.

Here is what I know from being in the business: Brides cannot win. If they don't provide superduper food and entertainment, they are cheap and horrible. If they don't invite everyone who has any reason whatsoever to want a ticket, they are horrible. If they have great food and drink, they must be mortgaging their future to waste their money on one day. If they have a large enough wedding to accomodate all of the demands for invitations, then they clearly invited all 'those' people for a blatant gift grab. If they can't afford to be everything to everybody, then they should have just eloped and spared us the 'disappointment' of attending an event that's not up to 'our' standards. And on and on and on.

So here's my advice: Don't like who's been invited or not been invited? Then don't go. Don't like the food, location, religious/non-religious nature of the service, or accomodations? Then don't go. Don't have a babysitter? Then don't go.

 

[mjkacmom]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I have to agree with the OP that this was not really acceptable. This happened to me several years ago, with my cousins wedding, except that I was in the OP's kids shoes. My cousin is a year younger than me and was my best friend growing up. I was one of her three bridesmaids. At the time of her wedding, I was in grad school, living in my own apartment, in a different state from my parents; Fully supporting myself. Keep in mind I was a bridesmaid!

My name was on my parents invitation. I wasn't even sent my own invitation, guest or no guest!!! I kinda assumed it was a fluke, and I asked a mutual friend of ours to go (He was invited to the wedding as well, with a guest, I might add, so it wasn't like I was inviting someone extra to the wedding). Unfortunately, he had already invited someone else. When I told my cousin that I had invited him, her response was that I was in the wedding party and thus didn't need to bring a date!!!

Interestingly enough, the third bridesmaid was allowed to bring a date. The maid of honor (the brides sister), was not allowed to bring one either.

I was so mad about it; my mom had to make me invite my cousins husband to my own wedding a couple of years later!!! My cousin was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and I wanted to put her on her parents invitation!!! I wouldn't have actually done this, but I really wanted to!!!

Were you involved in a relationship? It sounds like since some were invited with dates, and other without, the bride only invited those who had a SO. This is what we did, due to space issues. Most of DH's groomsmen and many of my gf's were not involved with anyone at the time (we were all in our mid-20's, and DH and I were one of the first in our circle to marry). I knew they'd be scoping potential dates at the bar the weekend before our wedding, and I already had to not invite some people I wanted to invite because of space.

 

[TeresaNJ]

That's what I thought but what do I know, I'm a man.

Just curious, what does your daughter think?

She doesn't know yet. It may very well not bother her. I see that you haven't read the whole thread, not that I expect you to as it's gotten rather long, but I did say that I would never influence my daughter with how I feel. Hence me venting it out here. I also would never let it affect the relationship I have with my cousin and her parents.

I too believe that one shouldn't have to shell out over $100/head for people that one doesn't know. However, two of my aunts were married to men that were virtual strangers to me, yet of course, came to my wedding with my aunts. I don't think that not inviting an adult "and guest" to a formal event is appropriate. If you can't afford the guest, then cut the list. It wouldn't have bothered me in the least if none of my children were invited. It does bother me the way my cousin chose to do it.

 

[Mom2Nick]

You know back in the day, when I got married, no one other than the MOB and MOG would have ever dreamed of arguing with a bride about wanting to add additional guests to the guest list. It was just bad form. There was also an understanding that money is not limitless. In our case, that was especially true. So when I got married, the only guests who could bring guests were those in the wedding party. Everyone else went 'stag'. No one complained, no one turned down the invitation, everyone still tells me it was the best wedding they've ever attended.

Times have changed. People are no longer sharing in your day and being served good food and drink, dancing, and having a good time. That is no longer enough for today's guests. Having been in the bridal industry, I have said recently that the real bridezillas are not the brides, but the guests who these days bring not a gift but a sense of entitlement to the proceedings.

Here is what I know from being in the business: Brides cannot win. If they don't provide superduper food and entertainment, they are cheap and horrible. If they don't invite everyone who has any reason whatsoever to want a ticket, they are horrible. If they have great food and drink, they must be mortgaging their future to waste their money on one day. If they have a large enough wedding to accomodate all of the demands for invitations, then they clearly invited all 'those' people for a blatant gift grab. If they can't afford to be everything to everybody, then they should have just eloped and spared us the 'disappointment' of attending an event that's not up to 'our' standards. And on and on and on.

So here's my advice: Don't like who's been invited or not been invited? Then don't go. Don't like the food, location, religious/non-religious nature of the service, or accomodations? Then don't go. Don't have a babysitter? Then don't go.

AMEN!!

 

[TeresaNJ]

Also, let me add that my son got married this past November and the only people there were siblings and their sig others and the parents. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no grandparents, no friends. My son was suppose to get married this coming October, but due to financial and other concerns, they decided to get married right away, and informed us two weeks prior to the date.

They got married in a park by a judge, and we had a post wedding dinner at a nearbye restaurant. My brother and sister were very, very upset. They just couldn't understand why they weren't invited since they were very close to my son. I totally understood how they felt, but if they were invited then my son's dad's siblings and their families would have had to be invited, and then the dinner bill would have been outrageous. This is how my son chose to do it. To this day neither my brother or my sister has even sent them a congratulatory card.

My point is that if you can't invite everyone, then don't invite anyone. You can't pick and choose whose relationship is longer, more stable, more "engaged", or whatever. That's all. If I wasn't invited to my cousin's wedding due to cost, THAT'S FINE, just don't invite me without my husband,

 

[DevilDuckie]

I don't see the problem. They invited family and spouses/fiancées of family members.
Why should they offer an open invite for guests to bring any tom dick or harry to their wedding?

ITA. Nobosy should feel pressured to allow their guests to bring guests. Personally, I chose to let my brother bring whoever he might want to my wedding (he didn't) but I was under no obligation to invite him to bring a non-committed partner.

Etiquette states that inviting half of a married couple is not acceptable. I chose to extend that to engaged and long term or co-habiting couples but not to casual dates (except my brother). Nobody got an "and guest" invite. I found out the name of my friends' loved ones and adressed the invites accordingly.

 

[declansdad]

She doesn't know yet. It may very well not bother her. I see that you haven't read the whole thread, not that I expect you to as it's gotten rather long, but I did say that I would never influence my daughter with how I feel. Hence me venting it out here. I also would never let it affect the relationship I have with my cousin and her parents.

I too believe that one shouldn't have to shell out over $100/head for people that one doesn't know. However, two of my aunts were married to men that were virtual strangers to me, yet of course, came to my wedding with my aunts. I don't think that not inviting an adult "and guest" to a formal event is appropriate. If you can't afford the guest, then cut the list. It wouldn't have bothered me in the least if none of my children were invited. It does bother me the way my cousin chose to do it.

Sorry but I have read the entire thread but I couldn't remember if your daughter knew and I was to lazy to go back through the thread. IF she doesn't know, perhaps you are getting upset about nothing. She just may be ok with it. I think you mentioned that your daughter and cousin so have a relationship. In my opinion, that is reason to invite her but if they are worried about the cost, it is also a good reason to only invite her.

In you own case, if you didn't want your aunts' spouses at you wedding, you shouldn't have invited them. I don't get why people would want strangers at their wedding nor why a stranger would want to go to someone's wedding.

 

[DevilDuckie]

To this day neither my brother or my sister has even sent them a congratulatory card.

They didn't get an invite. Did they get an announcement? Traditionally, a card or gift comes after formal notification of the event.

 

[TeresaNJ]

AMEN!!

HALLELUJAH!!!

 

[TeresaNJ]

ITA. Nobosy should feel pressured to allow their guests to bring guests. Personally, I chose to let my brother bring whoever he might want to my wedding (he didn't) but I was under no obligation to invite him to bring a non-committed partner.

Etiquette states that inviting half of a married couple is not acceptable. I chose to extend that to engaged and long term or co-habiting couples but not to casual dates (except my brother). Nobody got an "and guest" invite. I found out the name of my friends' loved ones and adressed the invites accordingly.

My daughter and her sig other have been together for six years and do cohabitate. It is tacky to invite my daughter and not her sig other.

 

[winnapooh]

Were you involved in a relationship? It sounds like since some were invited with dates, and other without, the bride only invited those who had a SO. This is what we did, due to space issues. Most of DH's groomsmen and many of my gf's were not involved with anyone at the time (we were all in our mid-20's, and DH and I were one of the first in our circle to marry). I knew they'd be scoping potential dates at the bar the weekend before our wedding, and I already had to not invite some people I wanted to invite because of space.

I was dating someone at the time; and I'm pretty confident that my cousin didn't like him, and that was her reasoning for inviting me the way she did. More than the guest thing, I was really upset that she didn't send me my own invitation. I was in the bridal party and I lived in a different state than my parents (I was in my mid-20's), but I didn't even get the courteousy of my own invitation, guest or no guest. An invitation with no guest, I would have thought the space/money issue as well. On the other hand, with my own wedding, we had space issues (fire code limits for the building) so had to limit our list, and we didn't invite people if we couldn't allow them to bring a guest. In our situation, we thought that was the best thing to do, though I realize with larger families or other situations, this may not be the best way for other people to do it.

There is more to this story, of course...the bride in question comes from a prim and proper type family; they were very careful to adhere to traditional customs when it came to the wedding, for the most part. For example, they invited parents of the bridal attendants, a traditional custom. So I don't see that space was really an issue. And I'm pretty sure running out of invitations wasn't either!!! I guess it in the scheme of things, it doesn't matter, but reading this thread brought up those annoying memories!

 

[declansdad]

My point is that if you can't invite everyone, then don't invite anyone.

I hope you are talking about individual couples and not, literaly, everyone???

 

[jrmasm]

My daughter and her sig other have been together for six years and do cohabitate. It is tacky to invite my daughter and not her sig other.

In your opinion.

 

[TeresaNJ]

They didn't get an invite. Did they get an announcement? Traditionally, a card or gift comes after formal notification of the event.

No, but under the circumstances, a congratulatory phone call would have been nice. My son did call them and explain why he was having such a small wedding. Weddings are really a pain. Someone is always hurt. Which is why the second time around we eloped!

 

[TeresaNJ]

In your opinion.

Correct, which is what I have stated all along. It is interesting to see all the differing opinions, don't you think?

 

[ead79]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I thought I'd chime in with my two cents.

For the record, according to Emily Post's guide to wedding etiquette, spouses must be invited (so most people invite engaged people as part of this rule). It is considered polite, but not required, to invite co-habitating partners as well (whether gay or straight). It is also considered polite to let single members of the bridal party invite guests. Beyond that, it is up to the bride totally without any breach of etiquette whatsoever. It is not a requirement to issue blanket "and guest" invitations to all adults you invite.

Weddings tend to bring out strong opinions in everyone, but remember: no matter what choice the bride makes (beyond inviting absolutely everyone with a guest), she's going to make someone upset. It's a tough spot to be in.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I hope you are talking about individual couples and not, literaly, everyone???

Yes, that's what I mean. I would rather cut my list than have to tell someone they couldn't bring a guest or their significant other, for that matter, just because they are not "engaged".

 

[DevilDuckie]

Yes we do and since it is her wedding, her opinion is the one that matters most.

What? You mean the hostess of the event gets to decide who to invite? Inconceivable! You men and your wacky ideas...